I’m not usually this “cursy,” but I couldn’t resist! mwahahaha…. Now you may be asking yourself, “What is a Tourettes card and why would one want such a thing?” Well, it’s a card some people with Tourettes Syndrome carry and hold up, in the event of an inappropriate outburst.
Once I learned such a thing exists, I kinda couldn’t help but think of the powers one could wield with it (if it got into the wrong hands). I mean, it pretty much gives you carte blanche to speak your mind with no recourse. That’s better than some other great cards one can obtain like: a get out of jail free card, a marriage “hall pass,” and a Saks gift card with no limit!
Now, please understand I get that Tourettes is serious and I would never wish it upon anyone, this is just an imaginary scenario of what one could do with a card for say, a couple hours.
(insert squiggly dream sequence lines here)…
At the playground:
You: “Excuse me, is that your kid throwing sand? He’s a real asshole, huh?”
Mother at park: “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
You: “No offense, (Flash Your Card).”
Mother at Park: “Oh, none taken. He is an asshole (nervous laughter).”
At theme parks:
You: “Mickey, you douchemonkey, stop hugging my kid. The shaking and screaming he’s doing means your big-ass head is scaring him!”
Mickey Mouse: “Pardon me?” (Please read his parts in the mouse voice.)
You: “Sorry, (Flash Your Card).”
Mickey Mouse: “Oh, well then, hope to see yaa again reeeal soon.”
To confront your child’s bully:
You: “Listen asshat, in 2 short years you’ll be a loner riddled with acne, PS touch my kid again and I’ll f@ck you up.”
Bully: “I’m gonna tell my mother you said that.”
You: “Go ahead pissface, I have a Tourette’s card.”
Bully: “Never mind.”
At the movies:
You: “Edward you cocksucker, stay away from the Volturi, they want to kill Renesmee!”
Disgruntled Moviegoer: “Quiet lady.”
You: “I’m so sorry, (Flash Your Card)… But seriously Bella, Renesmee? What the f@ck kinda name is that?”
Once Disgruntled Moviegoer: “I agree lady.”
At your husband:
You: “You don’t know where we keep the strainer, dickwad? We’ve lived here for 8 years!!! … So sorry, honey (Tourettes card).
Hubby: “Sweetie, I love you.”
You: “I love you too motherf@cker.”
And lastly, the ultimate use: At the refs at your kids games …
You: “What the f@ck Ray Charles, my kid was clearly safe! Squeegee those glasses ballsac-ajawea!”
Ref: “You’re outta here, lady.”
You: “Oh, did I say that out loud? (Flash Your Card).”
Ref: “Oh, I’m sorry… in fact your son was safe… I’ll try harder next time.”
I think I’ve clearly proven a card like this could come in handy. I mean, look how nicely people seem to respond to the profanities you yelled at them (in my made up scenarios). OK, I’ll go in for the laminating machine, send your requests to my P.O. Box.