“…ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, is that a Barbie up my butt? Christian: Oops, wrong playroom… and other things you might hear in Christian Grey’s household after a few years of marriage and a couple of children…” (For any mom who’s read any or all of the series. And I promise, No spoilers!)
Okay, I’m officially on the bandwagon. You moms with all of your oohing and ahhhing, and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.” Your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium, and your, “My laundry and dishes are piling up because I can’t put these books down,” have gotten me to read the Fifty Shades series.
So, what is it about these books that have moms devouring them like left over fries on their child’s plate?
Well, here’s what I’ve come up with so far: It makes me giggle when someone calls their vagina their “sex.” I find the sound of ripping foil oddly erotic. And Christian has made millions of women across the world, myself included, rethink our marraiges, and wonder why our hubbies can’t be more attentive, loving, obsessed, and well, “Christian-esque.”
So, what’s the deal? Why can’t our hubby’s be more like Christian Grey?
Because like “Twilight’s” Edward Cullen (who the character is based on) – hot young vampires and hot young billionaires that barely work, have erotic sex, lavish you with expensive goodies, and make sure you’re never cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds – don’t exist.
But if they did, would we want them? I wonder what it’d with a Christian Grey-esque man after a few years of marriage and a couple of children?
Hmmm? (Imagine squiggly lines in your mind, to indicate a dream sequence):
CHRISTIAN: Ohh, Mrs. Grey, stop biting that lower lip or I’ll take you here in the breakfast nook!
ANASTASIA: Um, Mr. Grey, it would behoove you to wait until the children are done with their Cheerios. It might be a bit awkward and messy with them around. Plus, you’re starting to creep me out.
CHRISTIAN: Oh, don’t worry about the mess, Mrs. Grey., Ms. Jones will tend to it.
ANASTASIA: Which reminds me, Mr. Grey, please ask Ms. Jones to stop sterilizing the butt plugs with the bottle nipples.
.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Anastasia, that Chanel suit, is a miracle on you. Is that spit up on the lapel? Please, allow me to lick it off.
ANASTASIA: Umm, Mr. Grey that’s disgusting. Might I write up a contract in which you agree to never say that again?
ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, could you please release these nipple clamps? I’m trying to breast feed here.
CHRISTIAN: Yes, children, I was adopted. My birth mother was a dirty crack whore. Do you want to hear the story of how they found me, again? Ahh, how a decade of therapy has allowed me to speak freely. Thank you Dr. Flynn.
CHRISTIAN: Little Anna, you want your Mommy? Well, mommy can’t come in right now she’s a bit tied up at the moment.
ANASTASIA: Is that a Barbie up my butt?
CHRISTIAN: Oops, wrong playroom.
CHRISTIAN: Oh, wee Christian, another nightmare? Don’t worry, I’m an expert on nightmares. I used to have them every night about the crack whore. You know, grandma? Would you like to touch my burn scars?
ANASTASIA: Mr. Grey, would you consider buying a new pair of jeans? Those have seen better days. Plus, the spare tire you’ve acquired hangs over them like a girly muffin top.
CHRISTIAN: With the time I spend on the kids’ activities, making odd mixes on my iPod, and running the world’s most successful company, I don’t have the hours I once did to work out, my sweet, sweet love. Let us shower together and reflect upon it. I want to wash your hair and bury my face in it. Oh, how I will never stop loving you.
ANASTASIA: Ummm, yeah, I already showered. I have to get our kids bathed and ready for bed, but while we’re on the subject, could you switch to another body wash? I mean you’ve been using that one for like a decade, a change would be refreshing. Maybe try Axe, I hear good things.
CHRISTIAN: Of course, anything for you. Want to sell a house and buy a new one?
ANASTASIA: No, I’m good.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Ana, who I will never stop loving, I will have you cut my hair after you’re done with the kid’s bathing ritual.
ANASTASIA: Christian, it’s not like there’s much left to cut. Just set the electric razor on the first setting, like I showed you, and go over your horseshoe.
CHRISTIAN: Oh my Ana, who is mine and only mine. I would prefer you not go to the PTA meeting this evening. I don’t know who will be lurking there.
ANASTASIA: Moms.
CHRISTIAN: Moms can be unseemly. My own mom was a crack whore, have I mentioned that? I’ll have security accompany you, and taste any goods you buy from the bake sale.
ANASTASIA: That won’t be necessary. I hate how you smother me, my fifty.
INNER GODDESS: (who hasn’t done a triple Lutz in years) Yeah, that trick got old fast.
SUBCONSCIOUS: I can’t even bring myself to say, ‘I told you so,’ again. I’ll just reread Little Women.
ANASTASIA: NOOOOO! not the voices again. Shut up you stupid voices, it’s been 10 years, why don’t you leave me alone?
SUBCONSCIOUS: Paging Dr. Flynn.
CHRISTIAN: Little Christian got a B on his report card? Unacceptable, I have mind enough to put him over my knee… and then I will do the same to you when I’m done. My palm is twitchy.
ANASTASIA: Can we please add those phrases to the contract? You know, the things you’ll never say again? Also, you should know I’m considering a restraining order.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Ana, don’t say things like that. You know I would never part with you or the children, EVER. Only in death. No, even then, I will make sure you’ve all eaten 3 square meals and are warm enough. Taylor, be prepared for plan C.
ANASTASIA: What?
CHRISTIAN: Nothing.
You know, on second thought, having our own Christian Grey’s might not be the answer. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. Why, just last week my hubby (working from home) got the kids dressed, fed them breakfast, made their lunches and got them off to school. I may have even heard a “don’t ask mommy, she’s sleeping.” After a decade of marriage, that may be close enough.
Pass it on to all the other Fifty Shades fans, um like every woman you know…
Mildly curious, I originally put the first book on reserve at local Midwestern library and found, to my shock, I was 68th on the list. Wassup? So I hied off to local Barnes and Noble and on a sweltering summer’s day, this former Seattle gal and major fan of “The Story of O” gal settled down, not expecting much. And darn it, I could not put the damn thing down! Finished second, and, sigh, will opt for third. Major whine: What Is Up With the “Smirk”? They fuck, sure, like bonking mad bunnies, but boy do these two smirk! Smirk, smirk smirk! I went to the mirror, smirked, and am frankly befuddled. NOT attractive! Ana seems mature beyond her years one minute (I mean, she knows her Thomas Hardy) and a pain in the ass (pardon me) whiny tweeny bopper the next. Forget Christian (all Fifty of him), SHE’s the “fantasy”. Hey, here’s a thought. How about the story turned on its head (a position I am still waiting to read in detail) Could it work if the gender roles were reversed? Swing that parody around the block for us, puh-leeze. Meteorological fantasy alert: It RAINS in Seattle, people! Really, really rains, all the time! Have not read third book but nary an umbrella do I recall in first two. (And, shudder, Mrs Jones serves wine “pulled from icebox”with coq au vin”. Please, a soupcon of culinary class …)
yes, this in no way begins to compare to “The Story of O”
I think she seems like a lot of young twenties….I am not sure I buy that he is not quite 30.
They’re both the fantasy! If I reparody it would just feed into everyone’s reasoning as to why guys get sick of women. Aging… loss of sex drive, unwillingness to give a BJ, LOL. I wouldn’t do that to the ladies. No, I prefer to see him with the horseshoe of hair loss
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You are hysterical. Thanks for giving me something to laugh about. I so enjoyed it. You should consider writing a book.
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Oh Jenny!
The writer in me thought, “Why in the hell am I reading this crap?” The bored housewife in me shouted, “Shut up! You know why.”
After seeing my neighbor with all three books on her kitchen counter, heard my pilates instructor mention it in passing, and found a crowd of women browsing through it at Barnes & Nobel, I downloaded the series on my Kindle. Yes I’m too chicken shit to buy a hard copy (no pun intended).
Troubling nightmares of Mark Zuckerberg in a gray tie. 21 year old college educated virgin must be the love child of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Random thought: What colors to butt plugs come in?? Why does my 13 year old know 50 Shades is the product of Twilight fan fiction and I didn’t know she knew the series existed?
The Apex of my thighs? I have sex not Algebra. How many times do I have to read the imaginary sound of a condom wrapper ripping? Confused at times. Who’s coming? Are they pre/post coital? Is it morning, noon, or night and at which location? They make rabbits appear celebate. I can’t take it! I want to delete the trash, but can’t. I’m too OC to stop reading before I finish all three books.
Update: Hubs and I purchased a $5K vibrating adjustable bed (Hospital bed Hugh Hefner style). I am repurposing Hub’s ties into bondage toys, but concluded ceiling could not support the weight of DIY sex swing. Promised our Jack Russell I would not convert his KONG toy into a ball gag.
Good, Bad, and Ugly this series is making a difference in bedrooms around the world.
Hilarious> I couldn’t agree more. In the beginning it’s sooo tough to read,so poorly written and then before you know it — it’s *smirks* *sighs* “laters baby”
By the way I think, black, pink and yellow, butt I mean but, don’t hold me to it, I haven’t purchased one –or a vibrating bed for that matter. I’ll just hope the dog gets fleas and does the leg itching ear thing, it’s so much cheaper.
I think I just laughed until I cried. A dear friend sent me the books. I hadn’t planned on reading them. I read all three and found them lacking and how the woman didn’t get sued for some sort of plagiarism is beyond me. My friend sent me Bared to You By Sylvia Day and I have to say, although its basically the same format as Fifty-it was a much better read.
Think this is sooo funny….wish it was a book, can’t stop laughing.
You are a truly gifted and completely hysterical woman. Thank you for making my day. Can’t wait to return for more. Sincerely, Blessings to you and yours.
Hysterical!! I laughed until I cried! Of course, all that baby care and taking the kids to soccer practice would be taken care of by Mrs. Jones and Taylor! And Taylor’s daughter would babysit.
That said, I read all three books in about a week. Yes, the writing is poor, they smirk way too often, but I think it’s a good story that develops through the three books. And I must admit I got a serious “clench down there” when my husband (who has started reading the books too) sent me an email “Certainly, Ms. M”! To me, the sexy parts aren’t necessarily the spanking, etc., (The tie has possibilities, however) but the conversations by email and in person that promise a good time later.
BTW, I read Bared to You after I read 50 shades, and although the writing was better, it was so much like the 50 shades books that I couldn’t resist writing a list of how the two were similar! Stopped at a page and a half!
I was laughing hysterically throughout reading this. SO FREAKING PERFECTLY FUNNY! Thank you for somewhat settling the psychosis i was suffering, obsessing over this fictional character and where I was going to find him… Also, your husband sounds like an amazing catch
thanks much for the great laugh
Glad I could be of service Mel. When my husband isn’t pulling his weight, I too come back to this post and then rock in the corner while repeating, “perspective, perspective, perspective.”