At about 13 years old, my mom went from doing everything right to doing everything so very wrong. In fact, everything she did was either “so gay,” “so queer,” or “moooooommmmm, you’re so embarrassing.” (It was the 80s, I’m sure they say different things now.) Anyway, it didn’t matter if she was singing the wrong words to Billy Jean or she sneezed at too high of a pitch, it was utterly unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on the things she did around my friends. One time, she smacked her lips while eating a bagel and cream cheese at breakfast with my besties after a sleepover!
Do you believe that?
I’m sure those girls are still talking about her lip smacking to this very day. Frankly, it’s amazing we remained friends after that appalling display. Well, it’s a testament to my friends, that’s for sure.
That phase lasted for about 4 years. (It’s a phase I’m already dreading with my own daughter because well, there is just no winning, for the parent!) That said, my mom and I have managed to be the closest of friends throughout my life, but she’s still my mother, and there are still those moments when she says something that makes me cringe. You know the kind of cringe that makes your whole body pucker? The kind of cringe that makes you wish you could scour what you just heard from your eardrums with a piece of steel wool? That kind of cringe.
Let’s start with when she says the word “tits.” Ugh, even writing that word grosses me out. She has used this term since I was first developing them, as in, “Look you’re getting tits.” Or “That woman’s titties are hanging out of her dress, what is she thinking?” First of all, no one should say the word tits — ever! I think maybe she thinks it sounds cooler than saying what other moms might say like boobs or bosoms, but it in fact makes me throw up in my mouth.
Then there was the time when she was reading 50 Shades of Grey and (knowing that I’d written numerous humor posts about it) thought we could discuss the book. (PS my Step Mother and MIL felt the same way.) I suggested they start a book club amongst themselves and NEVER ever tell me where or when they meet. I am NOT that evolved or mature for that matter and 50 Shades is not exactly the Glass Castle.
I recall a recent trip to a zoo with my kids where we watched a mother and baby monkey playing and swinging, as the baby clung to the mom. “Oh look.” my mom exclaimed to me and my children, “I think the baby is hungry. Well, you just have to latch on, baby (she said as if coaching the little simian). You can find it, there you go.”
Who was she talking to? Was she the Bob Costas of zoo play? (Thank goodness she didn’t say titty.)
The woman to her left was right there with her. Nodding along with her analysis and agreeing with her commentary, “Yep, he found the nipple,” the random woman said. (Well, I don’t need to worry about her, I’m sure she’s someone else’s embarrassing mother.)
Yes, we all have those moments (maybe not those specifically), but the moments we immediately revert back to being in middle school.
All I can say is, thankfully it’s not just me.
I have proof because a friends mom replied to this status update I put on my Facebook page:
Talking with Tracey about KY Jelly…
Tracey: Seriously, who buys that stuff?
Me: I’ve bought it before, I don’t think it’s so random.
Tracey: Well, do you buy a specific type that does something special, like heats up? Ooh, or makes your husband look like Adam Levine? Do they have one that does that, because if they do I’d buy it…
Me: Yes, in fact they do … Just take the regular kind and apply it to your eyeballs.
Hee hee hee joke joke joke and then a good friend’s mom commented thus:
“Be very careful of the one that heats up……horrible……and my gynecologist said there has been many problems!”
It didn’t phase me or embarrass me. I thought it was lovely that she took the time to comment, I enjoy all comments (take note of that). But my friend … mortified! She called me and asked if that had really happened? Had her mom really taken the time to comment of the use of sex enhancers on her friends page?
Oh, she had.
And what’s worse, when she confronted her mother to ask her not to comment like that, her mother simply said, “What, your father and I have used that stuff before and it was not pleasurable plus we heard bad things. I thought it would be important to should pass that on.”
We all have our moments OK? I’m just happy that one was hers and not mine. I have enough of my own.
PS- Mom, you are the most amazing mother EVER, embarrassing moments and all!
Spill and make me feel better: What’s the most cringe-worthy thing a parent has said to you in your adult life?
Be Awesome: Like/Share this with your mom or kids or anyone who can relate!
Be Awesomer: send me a giftcard to Starbucks!
RELATED STORY: THE MOST EMBARRASSING 80S MOMENT THAT YOU NEVER HAD, BUT I DID