At a party last weekend, I got stuck with “That Mom.” You know, the mom you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings? So I decided to make a list of the most common types of “That Mom” I’ve come across. This way you can avoid her before she traps you!
Know it all Nicole – This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won’t take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn’t like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She’ll tell you whether you should or shouldn’t vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru. If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn’t run for the hills, hear her out — you can never know too much about blow jobs — then bring up vibrators.
PMS Pam – Talking with this “depress-fest” is more sobering than watching an aged Paul McCartney perform live. Her weighty conversations will include talk of symptomless diseases (that could strike at any time), children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage. Never talk to her alone. It will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!
Donna Droner – Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only necessary, but fascinating, whether she’s describing how she rescheduled her children’s annual checkups, or rattling off her 37-step trick to getting discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you’ll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.
Braggy Beth – This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid’s accomplishments are, Beth’s kids did it better, and did it earlier. “Your daughter doesn’t know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I’m sure she’s fine. My Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb — I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive, she barely speaks English.” Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give the perfect little princess the finger.
Delusional Denise – DD has no earthly idea what her child is REALLY like. She’s blissfully unaware that her sweet offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she’ll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat. Beware: Denise’s kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.
Judgy Julie – This delightful mom is assessing your every move. At playdates, she’s estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple — find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along, and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: she is better than you. Be careful, Judgy Julie doesn’t keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offer up could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.
Some days I may or may not fall into one of these categories, though I like to believe those days are few and far between. Which mom makes you want to send smoke signals? And who did I miss (feel free to make up your own)?
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Hahaha. Cute post
I think Braggy Beth is the one that gets to me the most. And a close second is Judgy Julie…that’s why I hang with moms who are bigger slackers than I am…then I feel really good about the type of parent I am! It’s a win-win!
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See Emily, you are always thinking and that’s why you’re Einstein Emily.
Whenever I met any of these moms, my talent for creating awkward silence usually took care of them. Still, as a group we do tend to be really hard on each other don’t we?
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Totally – As I was in this article. I think writing it makes me kinda judgey, no? Yet, I like to think I’m exempt from criticism, well at least on my own site.
Just when I start hearing my biological clock go tic-tock — thank you for some entertaining birth control
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I want to add Perfect Penny. Her marriage is great, her house is clean, her kids are doing fine and her husband helps her clean and with the kids. UGH!!
I hate perfect Penny!
Pitiful Patty- She is PMS Pam’s sister. Her life is so much worse than everyone else’s and she’s always the victim. Don’t bother sharing any of your own problems, because her’s are bigger and more important.
** My husband’s ex-wife is a Pitiful Patty. It makes life SO MUCH FUN.
I know at least five pitiful patty’s they love to play that card!
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Ha! This made me laugh. Then there’s the mom who drops her kid off at your house for a play date, is 2 hours late picking her up, says she can swim, no problem! Then her kid jumps in your pool and practically drowns. Then there is the kid who has a dpi-pen for a peanut allergy and the mom vaguely gives instructions on how to use it (“you’ll figure it out”) oh and the mom who doesn’t acknowledge that ADD/ADHD is a real thing and just thinks better parenting and discipline is needed.
Sorrrrrrry, you hit a nerve with me today!
You crack me up. I know all of these women. I’m more of a terrible at small talk, lots of awkward silences kind of gal, myself. Claire Conversationkiller.
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Perfect Penny is the room mom in my son’s class and completely unavoidable on a regular basis. I seriously want to stab my eyes out when she’s coming towards me. Like put my cell phone to my ear and pretend I’m getting a phone call right that very moment stab my eyes out.
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Can “Rich Girl Rachel” be one? She’s the one who always offers helpful suggestions like “oh! Busy and exhausted? You should hire a nanny! Baby have colic? You need this $400 stroller, I have two different colors. Need to lose the baby weight? Sign up for the new yoga Zumba spinning tai chi fast track weight lost program – only $60 suggested donation a class! Breastfeeding issues? trying this ancient Japanese healer who will massage your breast for $200 (only $100 after your first session! what a deal!) Neighbors a problem? You should just
Move out of that area.” Her suggestions for everything are completely out of touch with reality and the average parent’s budget. And she will complain to you about such rich girl problems like not being able to wear the same dress twice because she might get photographed and don’t suggest TJ Maxx unless you want her eyes to pop out.