At a party last weekend, I got stuck with “That Mom.” You know, the mom you dread seeing at school functions, birthday parties, playdates, or park outings? So I decided to make a list of the most common types of “That Mom” I’ve come across. This way you can avoid her before she traps you!
Know it all Nicole – This mom is like Kris Jenner, but she won’t take your family to Hawaii. She will, however, advise you how to be a better mom and wife, because frankly, who doesn’t like unsolicited advice on parenting and marriage? She’ll tell you whether you should or shouldn’t vaccinate, how to get whites their whitest, and why you can never go to a drive-thru. If you want her to impart her wisdom elsewhere, bring up a blush-worthy topic like blow jobs. If she doesn’t run for the hills, hear her out — you can never know too much about blow jobs — then bring up vibrators.
PMS Pam – Talking with this “depress-fest” is more sobering than watching an aged Paul McCartney perform live. Her weighty conversations will include talk of symptomless diseases (that could strike at any time), children who were poisoned by school lunches, and Botox gone horribly, irreversibly wrong. After a few short minutes, you’ll be sucked into an abyss of worry and despair that will have you questioning your safety, your health, and your marriage. Never talk to her alone. It will take another friend to pull you from the pit (hope that friend comes bearing cocktails)!
Donna Droner – Talking to Donna will make you wish you had a cyanide pellet. This chatty chick finds every detail of her stories not only necessary, but fascinating, whether she’s describing how she rescheduled her children’s annual checkups, or rattling off her 37-step trick to getting discoloration out of grout. Throughout your pow-wow you’ll feign interest and nod politely, while wondering if plastic party knives are strong enough to perform Hari Kari.
Braggy Beth – This gal will make you question whether your child is stupid, lazy, or socially inept. No matter what your kid’s accomplishments are, Beth’s kids did it better, and did it earlier. “Your daughter doesn’t know her alphabet yet? Have you had that looked into? I mean, I’m sure she’s fine. My Lily is just really advanced. She probably learned it in the womb — I mean, we taught her French in the womb. Does yours speak French yet? Sorry, that was insensitive, she barely speaks English.” Listening to her talk will bring out a shameful side of you that wants to give the perfect little princess the finger.
Delusional Denise – DD has no earthly idea what her child is REALLY like. She’s blissfully unaware that her sweet offspring, whom you’ve seen suffocate a baby bunny, could do any wrong. If confronted, Denise will emphatically deny that it was her little angel, she’ll explain how it was surely an accident, or she’ll complain that her child always seems to be the scapegoat. Beware: Denise’s kids are the ones who grow up to be serial killers.
Judgy Julie – This delightful mom is assessing your every move. At playdates, she’s estimating how many toys you have in your dining room, the sugar content in your pantry, and when you last dusted your blinds. Her goal is simple — find enough evidence to confirm what she suspected all along, and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: she is better than you. Be careful, Judgy Julie doesn’t keep her verdicts to herself. Yep, the high fructose corn syrup snacks you offer up could be the talk of the next PTA meeting.
Some days I may or may not fall into one of these categories, though I like to believe those days are few and far between. Which mom makes you want to send smoke signals? And who did I miss (feel free to make up your own)?
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