Certain names have been misspelled to avoid search engines. I have faith you’ll know who I mean.
Ever have one of those nights that’s more like a Seinfeld Episode… Be warned: This is what can happen when facial hair goes terribly terribly wrong!
Now, I may be generalizing, but Atlanta seems to be a hotbed for outdated facial hair. While on a recent trip to the ATL, my hubby and I found ourselves in a lovely upscale restaurant called Aria. We were struck by our waiter’s very pronounced handlebar mustache (Please pronounce Moose-tashe for the proper feel) and pointed chin puff, basically the beard of the devil.
While ogling that for some time, he approached us, “Would you care for a roll?” “Oh, G-d did he say can I have your eternal soul?” I asked my husband before answering.
After a few references to the “Joker’s Wild,” my husband noticed that seated at a ledge across from us was a man with a toothbrush mustache.
You may think you are unfamiliar with the toothbrush variation, but it was seen on Charlie Chapl in, Hardy of Laurel and Hardy,
oh yeah and this guy:
I’d venture to say that the only mustache rarer and more disconcerting than the devil is what’s also known as the H1tler. In fact, I’d wager a bet that few people have rocked the H1tler since Adolph himself performed mass genocide on 14 million individuals. Distressingly, this person not only donned the H1tler; he bore an uncanny resemblance to him, which made me that much more uncomfortable. As a Jew in the South, no less, this guy actually sent a shiver down my spine. Not unlike seeing a swast1ka on your neighbor’s replica WWII German war plane (see article for that doozy).
No matter how handsome you look in a H1tler, I would think that after the war, it’s pretty much considered a fashion faux pas for anyone wanting to avoid public stoning. I wondered if this gentleman was at our restaurant to visit his old friend, our waiter… AKA Beelzebub.
The man with the H1tler and his wife were out with another couple. All I could think was, what if the couples hadn’t seen each other in a while or maybe he was the husband of a friend from work who they had never met? How would one react if they found themselves at dinner with a man who looked like he’d be hired to make balloon swast1kas for a sk1nhead’s birthday party?
I looked at Mark as he was discretely pretending to text while taking a picture with my iPhone. “Honey, this is an episode of Seinfeld. In this scene George would be going on a double date with his new girlfriend’s sister and brother-in-law.”
Girlfriend: George this is my brother-in-law Jan, Jan this is George Costanza, the guy I was telling you about.
George: (After taking in the view and shuddering.) Why would you be telling him about me?
Girlfriend: Jan is into name genealogy, I thought he would want to look up Costanza I also gave him Seinfeld.
George: Oh, so you’re into names and you found Costanza and Seinfeld interesting?
Jan: mmm yes, interesting names, what Russian and Polish, no?
George: Ah, you know I’m not really sure. We never kept in touch with our ancestors… their boat sank. Umm, Jan is also an interesting name?
Jan: Yes, it’s origin is Deutschland.
George: Of course, If you excuse me, I’m just gonna make a trip, I gotta…
Jan: Wait, I gotta hit the head myself.
Jan would then get up and goose step his way over to the bathroom. George would look back at the girlfriend and return her cheerful smile with a forced one of his own and then run off.
Girlfriend: (to Sister) I see Jan‘s gout is acting up again.
Sister: Oh, He’s having a terrible flare up. Between the gout and the arthritis he’s locked at the elbows and the knees. You should have seen him trying to shave this evening. I didn’t have the heart to say anything.
Girlfriend: Poor guy. I know how he hates the scar from his cleft pallet.
George: (at the pay phone calling Jerry) Jerry, I’m at dinner with H1tler, H1TLER I TELL YA.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: Ingrid’s brother-in-law is a reincarnation of the man… he just did the deathmarch back to the table. I’m telling you he’s looking up the origin of our names. I think this is a set up, they’re in cahoots, they wanna exterminate me and if they get me you’re next, SEINFELD.
Jerry: You gotta get outta their.
Of course it would go on from there, the usual… the brother-in-law would make a few off color remarks and motions alluding to his doppelganger, finally ending by heiling the waiter for the check. (Arthritis, remember?) In a side story, an orthodox Rabbi friend of Kramer’s who accused George and Jerry of being a bad Jews would be seated across the restaurant taking the whole thing in to include in his next sermon.
Some couples have a romantic night at a nice restaurant. We simply make fun of the staff and patrons.
PS By day I’m a lifestyle expert, by night I’m a do manscaping- just kidding – I do this blog. It’s gaining steam, so if you like it please take a sec to share it and check out the right side for RSS, bookmark, email, and newsletter sign-ups. Sooo appreciated, if I can grow this thing I can stop shaving mens’ private parts, I mean, oh forget it. JUST SIGN UP!
-Jenny From the Blog