Tag Archives: the suburban jungle

Push LIKE if You Have Skin – Plus 10 More Desperate FB Page Ideas

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So sad he had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. He's one sick puppy!

So sad she had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. She’s one sick puppy! (From MyDumbDogs.wordpress.com)

Yesterday, I saw an ad in the sidebar of facebook for a page called “I Love My Children.” It simply read: “Push LIKE if you love your children.” What’s crazier is that 5 of my friends had already “LIKED” said page (you know how it shows you that too?).

Wow, ladies you LOVE your children? No way! I can’t even wrap my head around it because you totally seemed like the types to down right hate your children, but then you went and pushed that button and now I’m all, “Maybe I misjudged you.” “Maybe you’re the best moms, like ever!” “Maybe you could watch mine sometime.” Then of course it dawned on me how very many of you so called friends of mine clearly DO NOT love your children which you made abundantly clear by NOT pushing “like”!

PS – To my mom and dad (who are on FB): I knew it! Don’t expect calls on your birthdays either … a-holes.

Is it just me or has the social networking world has gone bat shit crazy! Continue reading →

What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?

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What's a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?“Well, Jenny cough again but harder this time,” said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions.  How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the 1600s as they inquired as to whether you were a witch). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor’s assistants (or people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor’s assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.

Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that’s stuff caving in and falling down, to you and me) and I’ve been totes ignoring my pelvic floor, which is weird because I’m pretty good about taking care of my floors … waxing the wood ones, cleaning the grout on the stone… Actually I do have a cleaning person, so it would’ve been weird to ask her to attend to my pelvic floor after say, vacuuming. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s let their pelvic floor slip through the cracks. Google says 40% of women are found to have stage II or greater prolapse upon pelvic exam. I read it on the internet people, so it must be true.

And yet, no one seems to discuss it. So, I am because A. “Vagina” is my favorite word to work into random conversation B. Doctors like to treat this issue with hysterectomies, which may not be necessary. C. If I pee on the floor while we’re having a conversation, you’ll already know why and we can just gloss over it and move on to the next topic. Continue reading →

Schtupping Brad Pitt is Interfering With My Productivity

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The old “I’m having too much sex with Brad Pitt to get anything done” excuse.  Haven’t we all heard that one — one too many times?

PW – Parental Warning:  If you are my parents, please refrain from reading!

The other day I was telling my Mother in Law about my latest dreams in which I’m working out.  Sure, it could be the fact that I’m obsessed with The Biggest Loser, or that my new favorite pastime is finding new cellulite dimples, but whatever the reason working out is on the brain and these dreams are totally annoying. I’m waking up exhausted and I have nothing to show for it (other than sweaty sheets).  Listen, I dread workouts  in my waking world, so why would I want to waste those enjoyable “sex with Brad Pitt hours” at the “sleep” gym? Continue reading →

20 Momisms Translated – What We REALLY Mean

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momism 287

Recently I wrote a post for my column at TheStir about common Momisms and how they can get you into big trouble. You know Momisms, those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity, or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we’re trying to go with it? Since that column seemed to resonate, I thought I’d add a handy decoder to translate what we say –> what we MEAN.

Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it’ll ruin it for the rest of us!

Maybe –> Probably not

We’ll see –> NEVER

Let’s play the quiet game. –> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.

I love the outfit you put together. –> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.

Where did you hear that? –> Your information is completely false.

One day you’ll thank me. –> Hopefully, you’ll forget this ever happened. Continue reading →

What Those Vday Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage Edition

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What Sweetheart Candies SHOULD Say After a Few Years of Marriage

I’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing.   Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

YOU WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?

I’M PREGNANT … PSYCHE

R THOSE UR TOENAILS? Continue reading →

15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t a Gen Xer

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Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?

Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?

About a week ago I turned 40 …

I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription). Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)

No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this: Continue reading →

50 More Things I Remember as a Child of the 80s

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garbagepail

After writing Tuesday’s post on things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1.  Being on a wait list for a Cabbage Patch Kid and not even being able to pick the one you wanted (bonus points if you remember its name — mine was Mitzy Shirley and she had the dreaded short curly hair).

2.  Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3.  Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4.  That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5.  The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6.  Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!”

7.  What kind of G-news Gary Gnu shared.

READ MORE:  (Right click and open the READ MORE in a new tab or window, so you can come back and read Part One – 15 Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t A Gen Xer)

Wanna Look Like a Supermodel on Your Vacation? Hit a Water Park

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Living is South Florida has taught me this: If you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach, but if you wanna feel like Giselle, go to a water park.

Look, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.

For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm’s distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, “When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shit, I don’t know if I was ever her, and now I’ll never be her again or for the first time…”

This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I’ve also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer jacket.

Nope, one simply needs to take herself and her beach attire to a water park. Though water parks and beaches seem similar on the surface, they’re at their core polar opposites, like Walmart and Target.

Frankly, any park will do because here is a water park truth: No matter how much cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, regrettable tattoos or unsightly moles you have, there is someone within a 10-foot radius of you who has more… and she is wearing a bikini.

…a string bikini.

…a string bikini that Continue reading →

Cat People vs Dog People Will There Ever Be a Truce?

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Often people are one or the other… in terms of their feelings about pets, hence the terms “dog person,” “cat person.” Frankly, as a rare “both person,” I often wonder, the way I do about the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry, why can’t we all just get along?

Unfortunately, we never can. Well, not until dog people are willing to see the cat people’s side?  What makes that endeavor harder is that most people who aren’t cat people are actually anti-cat people.

They’re wondering what’s enjoyable about having an animal that doesn’t know it’s name.  Which (for all you anti-cat people) is not true, they know their names, they just choose to ignore you when you use them, so that you’re always aware, they have the upper hand… paw.

Cat people are also the victims of ruthless discrimination and stereotyping.  In which cat people are believed to be: losers, uncool, lazy, empty nesters, old maids substituting cats for children … BLOGGERS.   Cat people are thought to be creepy collectors of felines or feline replicas: sculptures, wood carvings, tee shirts, meme pics… And if they’re men, they don’t make good husbands because they’ll probably confess to you years into marriage that they are in fact, gay.

These things are rarely true.  Except the meme pics, I think we can all agree that they’re worth liking and sharing.

And in defense of marrying cat people, Continue reading →

Does Humor Have any Place in Tragedy?

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I wasn’t going to write anything today, as I couldn’t imagine sending out a humor piece right now, when we’re all mourning and trying to comprehend such unfathomable evil, and having enough trouble sending our own babes back to school.  But, then it dawned on me: This is why I — we — many of us (bloggers, humorists, comedians) write.

Let’s be real, for the most part, my writing is pretty useless. Well, unless you print it out and use the back of the paper to write a to-do list, or as a make-shift tissue, or dare I say it… TP?

The other day I wrote a rant about someone cutting me off in the carpool lane. It was for a site I love, TheStir, where most of the readers don’t know me my motivation, sense of irony, and penchant for poking fun at cliches and stereotypes.  As any blogger knows, the comments on major sites can be pretty harsh. Some of them mentioned how trite my article was, “The polar ice caps are melting … and people starving in our own backyards?” “Why did I even waste time typing this response to such drivel.”

To which I replied, Continue reading →

Beauty Myths Debunked – You’ll Be Surprised

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Do you get zits from unwashed pillowcases or cellphones?

Will you age the way your parents age?

Do retinoids make you more susceptible to sun damage or sunburn?

What’s the magic ingredient you should look for in beauty products?

If you were a vampire, would you need anti-aging creams?

On this week’s Jenny Isenman Show, my favorite dermatologist, Dr. Doris Day is back!  You know, the uber famous one I told you I would totally stalk? Well, she answers tons of my insane questions.  Be warned, before you watch, some of the answers are awesome and some may totally piss you off.

Enjoy -

Jenny From the Blog

The questions Dr. Day couldn’t answer: “When the f@ck did I get all these wrinkles.” and “Wasn’t I just going to my prom like last week?” Continue reading →

20 Things Women Would Do For Their Besties

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Recently, I wrote about Move-a-Body-Friends.  You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that’s a metaphor (sorta), I thought I’d make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest. I think most women I know would, and that’s why the fairer sex is kinda awesome!

  1. Be designated driver on a girls night out because I know you need a glass of wine (or shot of vodka) more than I do, and trust me, I need one.
  2. Say, “That skirt/dress/jumpsuit makes your butt look fat,” when that skirt/dress/jumpsuit actually makes your butt look fat.
  3. Explain that jumpsuits only look good on Rihanna and Rachel Zoe — and encourage you to stop wearing them.
  4. Pretend I need you to fix my bra strap to save you from a tedious conversation with a boring mom at the playground or that annoying guy at Starbucks.
  5. Despise someone I barely know because of something they’ve done to you, and then treat them kindly if you decide to forgive them.
  6. Hold your hair if you’re throwing up in a club, which probably wouldn’t happen because we’re so, not that cool anymore.
  7. Call your mother/father/siblings/other friends to have an intervention if you get hooked on Meth, Crack, or One Direction. Continue reading →