Tag Archives: parenting

You Know You’re The Mom of a Girl IF …

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You Know You're the Mom of a Girl IF...

While writing a piece on translating “Momisms” into what we really mean, I realized there are some commonalities among moms of each sex that bond us together. Every child is different … I know they’re not all girly girls — which is why you should check out  “You Know You’re the Mom of A Boy IF…”  and see how many ring true, as well.

You Know You’re the Mom of a Girl IF…

1.  You do more pretend cooking in a miniature kitchen than you do actual cooking in the full sized one (and frankly, you’re not sure which tastes better).

2.  You secretly wish there was some mommy competition involving your child’s trendy crafts because you’re a freakin’ whiz on the Rainbow Loom, you make a mean potholder, and you’re not so bad with a spool of gimp ahem, lanyard.

3.  You find yourself searching “How to Do a Fishtail Braid” on YouTube.

4.  You wonder how young is too young to start plucking her eyebrows?

5.  You have the ability to turn a field day/camp tee into an off the shoulder, bedazzled, designer dud in the time it would take a child to throw a “fashion tantrum.”

6.  You understood what I meant when I coined the term “fashion tantrum.”

7.  You find yourself playing with pretty much the same toys you played with when you were little, only the slutted-up versions. (See Polly Pocket, Rainbow Brite, and Strawberrry Shortcake.)

8.  A dance party, song fest, or drawing competition may be impromptu … but it’s never unexpected.

9.  Somehow you always get to be the ugly, ratty Barbie with the hair plugs showing from a haircut gone awry, and the one hand that’s been chewed off by the dog.

10. Your coveted jewelry, handbags, and heels have become someone else’s playthings.

11. You know from Furby and Fijit Friends.

12. There’s a creepy-ass Lalaloopsy doll staring at you with those “Coraline” button eyes that you’re pretty sure comes to life when you sleep.

13. Dealing with a monumental breakdown over the over the tag in a shirt, the seam on the sock, or the color of a pair of undies seems totally normal (see fashion tantrum).

14. You know the one rule about stuffed animals: One Can Never Have Too Many of Them!

15. That chick’s got an at-ti-tude and you know exactly where she got it from, though you won’t admit it.

16. You probably have a sticker or something shimmery stuck to you right now.

17. Your make-believe life is way more exiting than your actual life.

18. Glitter to a girl is like the Windex in My Big Fat Greek Wedding … it cures everything… at the very least it makes it more tolerable.

19. You are willing to accept a severely sub par mani-pedi or 3 (in a row) because your child has set up a salon and you’re the only one dumb enough to show up for your appointment.

20. It looks like the Disney Princesses threw up in your car.

21.  You haven’t heard your actual name the entire day, but you’ve been beckoned relentlessly.

22. You know a female wears the pants in your family (you just didn’t think they’d be a size 3T).

23.  You fear the day she gets her period because it sometimes seem like she has PMS already.

24.  Lying is always an option as in … “I’m sorry, they stopped selling Bratz dolls.” “I love the outfit you put together yourself… stripes and zig-zag look great together.” and “Yes, you do sound like Beyonce when you sing.”

25. You can’t wait until she’s old enough to watch Grease, Xanadu, Clueless, or anything by John Hughes.

26. The term rainbow-unicorn can answer almost any question. How do you want to decorate your room? What’s your favorite color? What do you want to be when you grow up?

27. ANYTHING can be over-dramatized… a trip to Target feels like a Spanish soap opera.

28. There’s a My Little Pony in your purse.

29. You hope to one day share a “Best Friends” charm.

30. You’ve made yourself an amazing companion (attitude and all) that’s redefined the magnitude of love you ever thought you had to give.

Related post:  “You Know You’re the Mom of A Boy IF…”

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BE AWESOMER, TELL MY DAUGHTER TO GIVE ME ONE OF THE CUTE BARBIES SOMETIME 

Related Post: Barbie and I Can’t Get Our Skinny Jeans Over Our Thighs

25 Signs That You Are Definitely a Mom

 

You Know You’re the Mom of a Boy IF …

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You Know You're the Mom of a Boy IF...

While writing a piece on translating “Momisms” into what we really mean, I realized there are some commonalities among moms of each sex that bond us together. Of course every child is different, but if you’re the mom of a boy, I’m guessing some of these will sound (and smell) all too familiar.

You know you’re the mom of a boy if …

  1. You find yourself holding a living creature that you would usually run away from screaming.
  2. A girl makes eyes at your son and you have this weird urge to pull her aside and call her a “slut” (whether she’s 6 or 16).
  3. You have an unhealthy knowledge of the point/gem system for Temple Run, Dragonvale, Bakugan, Plants vs. Zombies, Cube Runner …
  4. You can’t muster the brain power to recall what you ate for breakfast, yet you can inherently transform a Transformer (without the 30 pages of directions it came with).
  5. You bought a car based solely on how much equipment you could fit in the trunk.
  6. Your child asks you to marry him and you’re totally considering it.
  7. You know what a Ripstik is and you’re not afraid to use it.
  8. You spend much of your days in a fog of fart odor and some of it is proudly yours. (What? How else can you impress your male offspring?)
  9. A little penis seems to be constantly whizzing by (well, let’s hope that’s your sons).
  10. You’ve actually placed yourself under a tree with the feeling that, if that kiddo loses footing you’ll at least be there to break his fall.
  11. You know the pain of stepping on a Lego … and may in fact, have one imbedded somewhere in your body right now.
  12. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
  13. You understand what I mean when I say “bleacher butt,” as in, “My sits bones are literally numb, I have bleacher butt.”
  14. There’s a rogue Bey Blade in your purse.
  15. You’ve found yourself saying things like, “No, you can’t ride the dog.” and “Yes, you do have to keep your pants on in public.”
  16. You’ve had in depth conversations about who would win in multiple variations of match-ups involving Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, X-Men, Daddy …
  17. You can’t wait until he’s old enough to watch Airplane, The Naked Gun, Caddy Shack, Vacation, Fletch, The Three Amigos…
  18. Though you claim to be an absolute pacifist, you’ve had a talk that involved you urging, “Sometimes you gotta push back.”
  19. You’ve considered leashing your son at a theme park and he’s 12.
  20. You’re on a first name basis with the orderlies at the ER who provide slings, splints, casts, and those velcro boots.
  21. You may have shamefully thought, “It wouldn’t be so bad if he married an orphan.”
  22. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
  23. At some point you notice the change in smell from “OMG sooo sweet” to “Get that tween some AXE.”
  24. You can use your keyboard, phone, iPad, but there’s a good chance your fingers will get stuck to it.
  25. There’s a love you feel for your son that’s too great and sometimes too scary to fully explain or even comprehend.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to the women who got a gulp when their babies were born — thinking One day they might leave you for another woman!!!

XO – Jenny From the Blog (Look for the piece: “You Know You’re the Mom of A Girl If…”)

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BE AWESOMER, COME GET THOSE RED CLAY STAINS OUT OF MY SON’S BASEBALL PANTS

RELATED POSTS:

25 Signs You are Definitely a Mom

20 Momisms Translated

Moms of Boys Are Jealous Shrews

 

Only in Florida People – Only in Florida

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We Floridians are somewhat the butt of a running joke that the random, dangerous, and ass backwards things seem to happen here. Unfortunately, we tend to live up to this stereotype by constantly proving it true. People wonder why I’m such a neurotic mother and I’m beginning to wonder if my locale doesn’t have a smidgen to do with it.

For instance, it’s tough to deny that we live among some crazy prehistoric animals. From those massive dragon flies to the gators I’ve spotted around my lake doing their best George Hamilton impressions (did that reference age me?), to the panthers, to the poisonous frogs (Florida imported to kill our insect problem, which ended up killing peoples pets -great idea, Florida).  I’ve seen mosquitos the size of a house cat and ominous turkey buzzards that make me shake in fear. Continue reading →

Adam Levine Coughed Up A Hairball

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Let's Name Our Cat Will FeralIf you’ve been reading me for a while, you know my son is the sentimental sensitive one and my daughter has the snark of Chelsea Handler, the attitude of an 80′s valley girl, and the comic timing of Conan O’Brien.  She would also sell you down the river for tickets to a Katy Perry concert … maybe even a Kit Kat bar.

(It’s funny how kids can be so different from each other and still so clearly like their parents.)

Anyhoo, the other night my witty daughter and I were discussing what we will name our new kitty. (Which we haven’t found yet.) The conversation actually started because Ry was interested in what she should name her daughter when she has one.

Ry: “
Mom should I name my daughter Diamond, Texas, or Sapphire?”

Me: (Well, I guess I’ll be adding a stripper pole to that kid’s layette) You know those are way better names for a kitten?

Ry: Noooo, I was thinking we would name our kitten something cute, like Snowball or maybe Mr. Something.

Me: Ooh, I like that — we could name it after a famous Mister like, Mr. Burns, or Mr. Magoo.

Ry: I was thinking more like Mr. Nubs

Me: Really Mr. nubs? That makes him sound like a creepy cat amputee.  Continue reading →

All Moms Are Neurotic Sometimes – Right?

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pull out hair stress frustrated

Here’s the thing, I’m not saying you’re neurotic, but we’ve all had those moments that totally defy all logic and reasoning. It’s just that some of us have more than others. I have these moments almost daily, hourly. I know… you’re jealous.

You too can have them, just develop a hearty case of OCD or throw all rational reasoning out the window and start to believe your thoughts can control the world (they’re the same thing).  


My please-don’t-have-me-committed moment du jour was focused on a prescription of antibiotics for my daughter’s double ear infection.  Please note, the child’s never had an ear infection and for her first, she’s decided to have two. Let me tell you, that kid NEVER does anything half-assed, which is something I usually marvel at.

Anyhoo, after 4 days of diligently doling out her meds, twice a day (No easy task, as any mom will tell you), I accidentally knocked the bottle over onto the counter.

I felt the way an alcoholic would watching interventionists pour the last bit of liquor down the drain, or worse, the way EVERY breastfeeding mom feels when a bottle of pumped milk AKA “liquid gold” is spilled – sob worthy.

I watched as the pink milky blob spread across the counter and did what any other self respecting mom would do. I grabbed a medicine syringe and started siphoning the remains. But, I couldn’t put it back into the bottle, why? I mean, there were 6 days left and at least 4 were staring at me in a blob on the counter. Instead I filled a separate glass with everything I could suck up, and stared at it.

Now, a new mom would probably Continue reading →

Wanna Look Like a Supermodel on Your Vacation? Hit a Water Park

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Living is South Florida has taught me this: If you want to feel really crappy about yourself and guilt yourself into a starvation diet, you should simply go to South Beach, but if you wanna feel like Giselle, go to a water park.

Look, the beaches here are filled with hot, svelte, uber-tan, scantily clad, could-be models who do things you would normally see in cheesy 80s spring break movies or the making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, like whip their hair out of the water in a single choreographed move in slow motion.

For this reason, I always have a cover-up no more than an arm’s distance away as I sit under an umbrella and wonder, “When did I stop being that young, hot, frolicy, slow-motion girl? Wait, was I ever her? Shit, I don’t know if I was ever her, and now I’ll never be her again or for the first time…”

This is why I rarely go to the beach. Buuuuuut, I’ve also learned that to combat this feeling, one does not need to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas break in an Alaska-esque climate where she can bundle up and hide under a trendy puffer jacket.

Nope, one simply needs to take herself and her beach attire to a water park. Though water parks and beaches seem similar on the surface, they’re at their core polar opposites, like Walmart and Target.

Frankly, any park will do because here is a water park truth: No matter how much cellulite, varicose veins, stretch marks, regrettable tattoos or unsightly moles you have, there is someone within a 10-foot radius of you who has more… and she is wearing a bikini.

…a string bikini.

…a string bikini that Continue reading →

Top 10 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep for 2013

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I’m so tired of looking back at the resolutions of the past year and realizing they lasted no longer than a week, which is why this year, I’ve decided to make a list that’s way less ambitious.

1. Gain Weight

I’m going to quit all good eating habits ASAP. I vow to add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I’ll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I’ll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it’ll make other diners uncomfortable to watch. I also vow to eat everything à la mode, including ice cream.

2. Forget an Old Language

This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I’m going to let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I’ll watch endless episodes of Adventure Time and Regular Show. I’ll quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I’ll break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance and a set of bongos that I intend to wear around my neck.

3. Be Less Patient

I vow to be aggravated, exasperated and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole elementary education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell ‘Discerning’ by now, you never will… Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she spends way too much time on the potty.”

4. Workout Less

This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s door and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I’ll take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I’m going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream.

5. Nag More

For over a decade, my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb or remembered trash day without a divorce threat — ahem — friendly reminder. This year, I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like “always” and “never.” As in, “I always,” and “you never.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here” or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2014.

6. Stress More

I vow to lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences and health issues caused by stress. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my iPhone and then cry over what I’ve just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait… that already happened. Well, good, more for me to worry about.

7. Become Addicted to Something

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are too run o’ the mill. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about, like an addiction to hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue from DIY projects. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance, like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction, so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.

8. Stay Out of Touch

This time of year, I’m reminded of the many friendships I’ve let time and space come between. I intend to further that distance. I’m gonna start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads, “I never liked you in the first place, Sucka!” Lastly, I will cuss out and then hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.

9. Hold Grudges

This year, I vow to forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or renege on a $5 bet, you will go on “The List” in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar mustache as I think about how to get revenge. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.

10. Gossip More

I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or you’re a raging bulimic. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced, due to a torrid affair.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

-Jenny From the Blog

What’s your most tackle-able resolution for 2013?

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Does Humor Have any Place in Tragedy?

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I wasn’t going to write anything today, as I couldn’t imagine sending out a humor piece right now, when we’re all mourning and trying to comprehend such unfathomable evil, and having enough trouble sending our own babes back to school.  But, then it dawned on me: This is why I — we — many of us (bloggers, humorists, comedians) write.

Let’s be real, for the most part, my writing is pretty useless. Well, unless you print it out and use the back of the paper to write a to-do list, or as a make-shift tissue, or dare I say it… TP?

The other day I wrote a rant about someone cutting me off in the carpool lane. It was for a site I love, TheStir, where most of the readers don’t know me my motivation, sense of irony, and penchant for poking fun at cliches and stereotypes.  As any blogger knows, the comments on major sites can be pretty harsh. Some of them mentioned how trite my article was, “The polar ice caps are melting … and people starving in our own backyards?” “Why did I even waste time typing this response to such drivel.”

To which I replied, Continue reading →

15 Tips to Help Moms Survive Life in Suburbia

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Nearly a decade ago, I moved to the suburbs from NYC (it’s the sole reason I started my blog).  In that time I’ve learned some pretty important things to ensure my survival, nay, my sanity.

If my ‘burb sent out a handbook it would look something like this. Feel free to use it as a mini-survival guide. Good luck and in the words of that guy on Hill Street Blues, ‘Hey, let’s be careful out there.’

  1. All children must be signed up for multiple sports and extracurricular activities, to ensure that no family can plan anything on a Saturday until their kids are too old to want to spend Saturday’s with their family.
  2. Do NOT be alarmed if you try to enter the wrong minivan or SUV, this is common. Try to lessen the confusion by putting fun stickers on your back windshield representing each of your children performing their favorite activity.
  3. You can paint your house one of 477 shades of tan.  Other colors will be categorically denied, so don’t even try it!
  4. If your child has strep or hand foot and mouth, be aware that the entire town will know about it before you get his/her prescription filled. PS this same urgency in passing news applies to affairs as well!
  5. As a suburban mom you are expected to start some kind of craft business immediately. Your choices are: hair accessories, jewelry, embellished clothing, or things you can print on card stock — anything else must be cleared through the Chamber of Commerce.
  6. If you already have a job, you are expected to purchase these crafted goods, in bulk, at the myriad of local holiday boutiques that celebrate everything from Ramadan to Flag Day.  Like PTA meetings, being absent is frowned upon.
  7. If you do not find a grocery store or Starbucks within one mile of your current position, you’re lost and have entered an inferior neighborhood! Please stay calm and return to your suburb immediately.
  8. You are required to join a gym.  There, you must take spin classes with disco lighting, pretzel yourself into a reformer, and learn the art-form that is Zumba.
  9. You will be expected to pressure clean anything and everything from your sidewalk to your dog. Be prepared.
  10. Make sure your dog is cute, as neighbors will constantly stop to pet it. Be warned, the same neighbors will turn you in to the association the first time Rufus barks after 9PM. (Don’t name your dog Rufus)
  11. Make an immediate trip to lululemon/Athetica/GapBody/Target … and pick up workout/athletic/golf/tennis gear that’s trendier than simply wearing sweatpants.  Wear these goods at least 50 -100% of the time; in the winter, simply wear your athletic gear with Uggs.
  12. You will need to attend a mind-numbing amount of birthday lunches/dinners for ladies turning anywhere from 30-50.  Get there early, as who you sit next to (or don’t sit next to) can make or break your day.
  13. Cut back on sex ASAP, as you will find yourself in conversations where moms discuss their infrequent, and unsatisfying sex life regularly — at lunches, parties, dinners, play-dates.
  14. And stop giving blow-jobs! People in the ‘burbs are only expected to give them on birthdays and anniversaries (it’s one of the perks).
  15. Living in the ‘burbs is a little like reading Us Weekly: Everything is sensationalized. It’s fun to discuss “who wore it best,” but not as much fun as playing Fashion Police. You will find yourself looking for cellulite/wrinkles on young skinny moms. And gossip is treated as gospel.

I hope this helps you fit into the suburban life you’ve chosen.  Maybe I’ll see you at the next boutique sale — I’ll be selling picture frames with random findings glued on to them!

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Why Am I Dumber After Having Children | Jenny Isenman Show (Video)

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Can someone explain why I still have “baby brain” when my kids aren’t babies anymore?

So, my Gen X-ers, many of us are years past changing diapers and yet we still seem to have Momnesia. Frankly, my memory … and ability to have a complete thought, has gotten exponentially worse with the birth of each child and the passage of each year.

Look, I can tell you the names of all the characters from The Facts of Life, or The Breakfast Club, but I have no idea where I left my keys, what pending appointments I have, or why I just walked into this room?!

On this week’s episode of The Jenny Isenman Show, my guest Sharon Rowley, (organizational expert/blogger and mom of 6 — freakin’ 6!), and I test our memories, discuss the stupidest shit we’ve done due to Momnesia, and talk tips to get through the day. Continue reading →

Why Steal Candy From Babies When You Can Steal iPhones | People are So Disturbed

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When I heard a man was caught on video stealing an iPhone from a baby, I had to ask, “Really? what kind of immoral thief are you?” And “where can I see that video?”

Listen, I find babies super cute, not in a “OMG, I need another one of those,” or a “Can I please hold your baby — random stranger?” kinda way. In a “That little bundle is seriously precious when he’s quiet or cooing, and looks even cuter through the window of this Starbucks,” kinda way. I also believe that no one can resist a baby dressed in a costume or using an adult item that’s been miniaturized, like wearing those mini Air Jordan’s or carrying a tiny briefcase.

So, when I heard a man had taken an iPhone from the hands of a sweet innocent child, I had to ask the obvious questions:

  1. Was the child in a cute costume of any sort … perhaps wearing a tiny tuxedo?
  2. Was the child about to clear a board on Angry Birds that he had never passed or was he possibly watching an episode of Phineas and Ferb on the Disney XD app and now he’ll never know if Candice tells her mother of the boys’ hijinks in time to catch them?
  3. Was this some Robin Hood-esque act of justice, in which the thief took that phone to give to another baby who was needier — maybe one who had a first generation iPhone or dare I say, a Blackberry?!

Not knowing the answers to these questions will haunt me … will haunt us all. Worse, is the thought you may not have thunk, “How will this affect me?” When other crooks see how easy it is to take an iPhone from a baby, will they start adopting this practice as well? If so, does that mean I won’t be able to hand my child my iPhone/iPad/KindleFire/Nook in the hopes of taking a few minutes to peacefully assess my options in jewel-tone skinny jeans?

Will I not be able to wait patiently in line for my latte while my little one gleefully attempts to breed a rainbow dragon or learn random words in Spanish?  Because that would beyond suck. Not just because those coffee lines are long and my kids get bored if they’re not stimulated for more than 30 seconds, but also because it’s really cute when they say things in other languages.

I’d like to suggest that we not let the lawbreakers win, and simply fasten these items to our children like pacifiers.

“Oh, you want that iPhone?  Well, you’ll have to take the baby with it, and let me tell you she doesn’t sleep through the night and um, good luck breast feeding!”

“Um, no thanks ma’am you keep her.”

See, problem solved. 

You’re welcome.

Of course, feel free to let me know if you have any better ideas …

 

 

Oscar Turns His Trashcan into a Meth Lab and I Got a New Column

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Just to be clear, I didn’t get a new column because Oscar built a meth lab, and frankly, Oscar didn’t build a meth lab because I got a new column.  Though, I’d like to narcissistically think that my writing could have such an insane effect on Muppets.

Needless to say, Slimy wasn't very pleased!

Muppet domination has been a lifelong dream of mine (you know you’ve had that dream too) and if a couple innocent puppets get hooked on street drugs along the way, I say “pass the crack-pipe.”

So onto the first statement:  I got a new column, called Did That Really Happen?, which will run at The Stir!!!  One of my favorite sites EVAH!  Why?  They’re snarky, they’re stylish, they think I’m funny, and they’re owned by Billy from Melrose Place!

Plus, I’m in the company of some of the best humor writers out there: Best selling authors, Jenny (the Bloggess) Lawson, and Jill (Scary Mommy) Smokler, Kristin Chase from Motherhood Uncensored, and Aunt Becky from Mommy wants Vodka.

That said, I’m feeling a ton of pressure. I mean, it won’t be easy to compete with these babes, but I intend to kick some Mommy ASS! Oh, that’s right, I’m ready to throw down!

I’m not sure if you peeps are aware, but I have a black belt.  A freakin’ black belt! Sure, it’s not so much in Karate as it is in Marc Jacobs, but I think the amount of style it omits could really pack a punch … or smartly cinch a skirt (one or the other).

Now that my worthy adversaries are probably shaking in their boots, I must ask, “are they stilettos?” (the boots, I mean), because I’ve totally been looking for a new pair for fall and I’d love if you could send me a picture of them on instagram!  I mean, ahem, “Send your stiletto boots my way immediately — and I’ll back off, bitches!!! Hey, no COD, either … and I expect you to pay for shipping (but I have a UPS number if you need it).”

Oh yeah Bloggess, we’ll pretend this really happened and Mrs. Smokler, who’s scary now?!

Fine, the truth is, I’m honored to hang with these chicks and I would love YOUR support in my newest endeavor!!!

Sooo, please choose 1 of the following options:

1. Send me a pair of stiletto boots ASAP, I’m a 7.5/8!

2. Come give me some Karate lessons … or at the very least a gift certificate for a Zumba class!

3. Like this update to spread the word and most importantly … Check out, comment on, like/share my first article:

In the Wake of Romney Big Bird Debacle — Oscar Turns Trashcan into a Meth Lab

(A look into the possible fate of Sesame Street – for The Stir)

This shit is TAME, yo!
PS — The first comments I’ve gotten on the new piece go something like this: “THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER READ” and “SHAME ON ME” — I’m off to a great start!!!
But I KNOW you guys have amazing senses of humor, so I suggest going with option 3  – and show it some love! If you think you’re dumber for having read it … umm, keep that to yourself!!!


Thanks for your support xoxo!

Jenny From the Blog