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Top 12 Resolutions for 2014 – For People With No Willpower Whatsoever

12 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep For 2014 - Even those with no willpower whatsoeverI’m so tired of looking back at the resolutions of the past year and realizing they lasted no longer than a week, which is why this year, my resolutions for 2014 are way less ambitious.

1. Gain Weight

I’m going to quit all good eating habits ASAP. I vow to add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I’ll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I’ll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it’ll make other diners uncomfortable to watch. I also vow to eat everything à la mode, including ice cream.

2. Forget an Old Language

This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I’m going to let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I’ll watch endless episodes of Adventure Time and Regular Show. I’ll quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I’ll break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance and a set of bongos that I intend to wear around my neck.

3. Be Less Patient

I vow to be aggravated, exasperated and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole elementary education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell ‘Discerning’ by now, you never will… Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she spends way too much time on the potty.”

4. Workout Less

This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s door and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I’ll take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I’m going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream.

5. Nag More

For over a decade, my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb or remembered trash day without a divorce threat — ahem — friendly reminder. This year, I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like “always” and “never.” As in, “I always,” and “you never.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here” or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2015.

6. Stress More

I vow to lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences and health issues caused by stress. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my iPhone and then cry over what I’ve just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait… that already happened. Well, good, more for me to worry about.

7. Become Addicted to Something

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are too run o’ the mill. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about, like an addiction to hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue from DIY projects. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance, like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction, so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.

8. Binge-Watch More Television

My stint with Breaking Bad (4 seasons in 2 weeks) was child’s play. I’m going back to 2000 and watching every series that was made this millennium – in its entirety. I’m talking all of them: Weeds, Lost, Mad Men, Nip Tuck, Game of Thrones, iCarly … Reba. It may take all year, but I will never let another reference go over my head.

9. Gossip More

I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or you’re a raging bulimic. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced, due to a torrid affair.

10. Wear Nothing But Sweats

I’m so darn tired of getting dressed in the morning and frankly, what’s the point? It’s an act in futility (like making the bed), as I’m just gonna need to get undressed later. No, I’m going to wear things that would look equally good with Uggs as they would with flip-flops, things I could also sleep in, workout in, and possibly bathe in (if I become too lazy to remove them or throw them in the wash). I’m thinking something that’s fast drying and wicks sweat, and cinches with a drawstring.

11. Stay Out of Touch

This time of year, I’m reminded of the many friendships I’ve let time and space come between. I intend to further that distance. I’m gonna start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads, “I never liked you in the first place, Sucka!” Lastly, I will cuss out and then hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.

12. Hold Grudges

This year, I vow to forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or renege on a $5 bet, you will go on “The List” in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar mustache as I think about how to get revenge. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

-Jenny From the Blog

What’s your most tackle-able resolution for 2014?

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Top 5 Reasons Moms Should NOT Take Sex Advice from Magazines

Many women’s magazines have a “Mom” version of a “How To Have Better Sex,” most of which make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion.  “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot, and Your Sex Life in Flames.”  “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.”  “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.”  (Oh, I like that last one)

Seriously, I’d like to disband the sex myths propagated by magazines, and have a little straight talk here? Be warned though, the side effect of discussing such truths could be a shockingly unsatisfying revelation that your unsatisfying sex life is just that… unsatisfying.

Let me break it to you (in case you haven’t figured it out already), sex after kids is often not so hot, or often for that matter. That said, here’s what I think about the most common tips given to moms about sex.

1. Tip From a Writer Who Clearly Has No Children:  Don’t forget to “Set the Mood,” you know, candles, aromatic massage oils, and sexy lingerie. 

Brutal Honesty Response: Are we still taking time to set the mood?  I mean, isn’t that what got us here in the first place?

Listen, if there’s no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, I say you’re as sexy as you need to get.
Work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance.  Better yet, utilize the TV as a source of beautiful ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up The Voice. It’s called multi-tasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.

As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ leftover Doritos corners embedded in my thigh.  Wait, when I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper, does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.

2. Tip From a Writer Whose Kids are Not Involved in 500 Activities: Continue reading

Top 10 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep | For 2012

new yearsThis time of year I amuse myself by looking back at last year’s resolutions. Ones I made with the best intentions, like learning an instrument or a foreign language. Last Hanukkah I had my husband buy me a guitar. I had all the confidence in the world that by this New Year’s, I would balk at a request to play “Stairway To Heaven,” saying something dismissive like… “Please, that’s so cliché, but why not?” or “Por favor, es muy cliché, pero porque no? Unfortunately, my guitar collects dust while my Spanish collects rust.

So for this year, I am making some resolutions that are a bit more achievable:

1. Nag More

For over a decade my husband has not picked up a wet towel, washed ketchup off of a dish, changed a light bulb, or remembered trash day without a divorce threat, I mean, friendly reminder.  This year: I vow to be relentless in my nagging. I will lay immediate blame using words like always and never. As in, “I always, and you never.” I will play the martyr by saying, “Forget it. I’ll do it myself.” I will amp up the guilt with, “I do everything around here.” Or something unarguable like, “It’s obvious by your refusal to change a light bulb that you don’t love me anymore.” If all goes well, I’ll be nagging him to go to couples therapy by 2013.

2. Gain Weight

I’m going to quit all good eating habits ASAP.  I vow to add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I’ll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I’ll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it’ll make other eaters uncomfortable to watch. I also vow to eat everything a la mode, including ice cream.

3. Workout Less

This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s garage and beep until she comes out and hands it to me. I’ll take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I’m going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream.

4. Forget an Old Language

This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I’m going to let my brain atrophy to forget the one I already know. I’ll watch endless episodes of Adventure Time, The Regular Show and Beavis and Butthead. I’ll quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I’ll break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles, and end sentences in prepositions. I will express my thoughts through that African clicking language, modern dance, and a set of bongos that I intend to wear around my neck.

5. Stay Out of Touch

This time of year, I am reminded of the many friends I have let time and space interfere with. I intend to further that distance. I’m gonna start by rejecting any new Facebook or social network requests. I will also attach a note that reads, “I never liked you in the first place, Sucka!” Lastly, I will cuss out and then hang up on people who call in hopes of fulfilling their own resolution to rekindle old friendships.

6. Be Less Patient

I vow to be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my son wants help with his homework I’ll say, “That’s it! Clearly this whole elementary education thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to spell “Discerning” by now, you never will…Now, go get a job! Oh, and take your sister with you, she spends way too much time on the potty.”

7. Hold Grudges

This year I vow to forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or pay me the five bucks you owe me, a day after the assigned due date. You will go on “The List” in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar mustache as I think about how to get revenge.  I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me.


8. Stress More

I vow to lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, teacher conferences, and health issues caused by stress. I will laugh an evil cackle while erasing all the plans from my iPhone, and then cry over what I’ve just done. I will empty our bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait…that already happened. Well good, more for me to worry about.

9. Become Addicted to Something

Smoking, alcoholism and Starbucks are so trite. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about like nasal spray or hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue from class projects. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem.

10. Gossip More

I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the pediatrician for so much as a flu shot, I will tell everyone your child has hand foot mouth, so you can be verbally assaulted when you show up at a birthday party the next day. If you look too skinny, I will assume it’s a divorce or you’re a raging bulimic. If you look too hot, I’ll call it a torrid affair. If you look too young, it’s an addiction to surgical procedures because you’re getting divorced, due to a torrid affair.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My Other Resolution: GET MORE READERS TO THE BLOG SO I CAN GET A COLUMN IN A SHE SHE MAGAZINE AND LEAVE ALL YOU READERS FLOUNDERING!  MWAHAHAHA!!!
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I May Have Run Over an Elderly Gentleman While Driving Carpool… Oops

This picture imlies that he was washing my car.  He in fact, was not, but I couldn't find a better picture of an elderly man near a car... MAKE DO.

This picture implies that he was washing my car. He in fact, was not, but I couldn't find a better picture of an elderly man near a car... MAKE DO.

See how polite I’m being?  Calling him an elderly gentleman and not some wrinkly old curmudgeon?  No, that would be rude and I am not rude.  Well, unless you consider running a poor old curmudgeon over with your car “rude.”   Then yes, I may be rude, but I have an excellent vocabulary and that has to count for something.

“Well Judge, my infraction was merely that.  I was exceeding the limit by a minuscule measurement as my true intention was to get the minors to an establishment of learning to imbue their gray matter with knowledge.”

My lady, (This is a court in the 1700s, obviously.) your grasp of the English language is truly inspirational.  Clearly, a logophile such as you could do no harm to our language, let alone an old curmudgeon.  NOT GUILTY!

BTW:  A logophile is a lover of words and vocabulary, which I wouldn’t have to define for you if you were one.

Moving on.  My neighborhood is a speed zone during morning carpool.  Especially the first couple weeks!  Most of my neighbors have kids in elementary school and being that our development is exactly .1 miles short of the school bus cutoff; we’re all trying to get to the same place at the same time (anything shy of LATE).

The fact that this elderly gentleman was in this neighborhood in the first place leads me to believe that he wandered in from somewhere with a minimum age.  Regardless – as the busy moms sped around beeping from door to door, it was I that mowed this man down.  I must have been going at least 30MPH, which is fast in an area that has “slow children at play.”  I don’t know if they’re just not quick or there’s something wrong, but there are enough of them to require a sign.

slow children at play sign 2

Frankly, someone should try and speed these kids up.  Maybe if they got rid of the knickers and padding reminiscent of a 1908 football game and gave out some bikes.  The sign could simply read:children at play

(Let’s be honest, these tykes don’t look so speedy either.  Nor do they seem to have the latest in outdoor play equipment.  Razor anyone?)

But I digress.  The elderly gentleman in my story was not walking on the sidewalk, but on the street and going against traffic, no less.  He held up his arm in what I took to be a friendly hello.  I waved back, pretending to recognize him, as I do with all my neighbors.   When I was about to pass him, he flung himself to the side of the road.  I guess that wave was really the international, “Slow Down Crazy Lady” sign.  Oops, I didn’t recognize it without the shaking of a cane, though he did seem a bit melodramatic.

old man yells at cloud

I guess the main question is:  Did he pitch himself to the curb or did I send him hurling to the sidewalk?  I didn’t hear a thud; that’s always a good sign.  Though it’s hard to hear much over the din of 6 elementary schooler’s trying to one up each other.

Kid 1: I have PE today.

Kid 2: Yeah, well I had it yesterday and 2 kids in my class got lice from sharing bike helmets.

Kid 3: Yeah, well 4 kids in my class got lice and I sit next to one of them… who also has braces.

Kid 4: I’m getting braces.

All other kids: Lucky!

Kid 5: Yeah, well I have glasses.

All other kids: No fair!

Kid 6: Well, I may have scoliosis!

All other kids: Why can’t we have scoliosis?!

Me: Hey, could someone look under the car for an old man?

Me Answering Myself: Huh?  (I tend to answer myself in carpool as no one pays attention to the driver.)

Still Me: Forget it.

Did I hit that elderly gentleman out for a morning walk (wandering from ‘the home’)?  I can’t say for sure.   I didn’t see any wrinkly parts in my chassis.  Wow, there’s a sentence that could be taken out of context!

Did I mean to run him over?  Certainly not.

Do I think he was being melodramatic?  A little bit.

Am I spraying out my car for lice?  Without question.

(PS no elderly people were harmed in the writing of this blog… I can’t say as much for lice)

PPS- By day I’m a lifestyle expert, by night I’m a hooker- just kidding – I do this blog.  It’s gaining steam, so if you like it please take a sec to share it and check out the right side for RSS, bookmark, email, and newsletter sign-ups.  Sooo appreciated, if I can grow this thing I can stop being a hooker, I mean, oh forget it.  JUST SIGN UP!

xo

-Jenny From the Blog

Did I Really Give a Policeman the ‘Just a Sec’ Sign?

motorcycle policeman
On Wednesday, my day started as such: I dropped off 6, yes I said 6, rowdy elementary schoolers in carpool. I then hurried to get my piping hot latte to bring back to school to volunteer. After purchasing my piping hot latte I proceeded to rest it on my center console as my dashboard cup holders were filled with important necessities like barrettes, Polly Pockets, and a part from a McDonalds happy meal toy. Insert sound of plan screeching to a halt here. I’m sure you know how this story goes… despite my best efforts to hold the coffee in its cardboard cup holder carrier, it flipped out and splashed onto the middle row of my oversized (Due to carpool needs) SUV.

So, here was my dilemma:

Do I run home,ring out my car so it doesn’t reek of spoiled milk and race to school to be an on time for volunteering?

or

Do I run back into Starbucks, while the coffee seeps deeper into the carpet? Wait in another line to get a new piping hot latte and clean my car with those brown Starbucks napkins, which wouldn’t absorb the contents of an eyedropper. And of course be late for volunteering?

Well, it goes without saying that I chose the obvious. The taste of that latte was enough to mask any guilt I may have felt when I saw those sad Kindergarteners. It did not however mask the odor of milk rotting in the sun, which hit me like a Trenta sized latte when I re-entered my car. No worries, I’ll rush home, clean the car, write the article that’s due at iVillage in less than one hour and be on my way to the pedicure I’ve been dreaming of all week. Well, as it turns out, getting 16ounces of coffee out of a car without a wetvac is yeomen’s work. 40 minutes later, I was without an article and needed to be on my way to my pedi. Ok, I can do this, I will grab my new latte and my netbook and write the article while getting my relaxing, long overdue, escapist pedicure. Well, scratch the escapist part, mainly because it’s used in the wrong context and also because it would now be out of the question.

In the interest of saving time I took out my iPhone and started recording what I was going to write in my article on Dragon Dictation (voice recognition software). I prayed it would comprehend enough of my speech to enable me to simply edit while getting my relaxing, long overdue pedicure.
While holding the phone directly at my mouth, allowing me to enunciate perfectly, I drove past a policeman on a motorcycle. He looked me dead in the eye with utter disdain. Look, another Jappy girl blabbing into her phone, I should pull her over. I looked as he pulled behind me and… phew, he was moving to the other lane. I wasn’t speeding, well speed talking. Let’s face it, I could have been like all the other “Road Pirates”: typing with one hand and watching the road with one eye. I was being responsible and I gave myself a pat on the back. Of course to him I was just some distracted blabber and he doubled back into my lane and turned on his lights. Over I pulled, ready to explain my responsible choice to use a voice recognition app, but what would he care? It’s not illegal to talk on the phone in Florida.

Cliché cop with graying moustache: “Yes, license, registration and you’re insurance card.”

Naive me: “Um, was I speeding?”

Officer: “Nope, you have an expired tag ma’am. Are you aware of that?”

Dumbass Me: “Yes, my husband just sent in the check” Why didn’t I tell him that I wasn’t just gabbing to some friend? I’m working mom trying to make ends meet. Or maybe I could have told him how badly I needed a pedicure and shown him my dried out calloused feet or at the very least flashed him my tits. But noooo, I went with the ‘check’s in the mail.’

I rummaged through my glove box to find nothing, but the original car sticker, some McDonald happy meal Barbie toys, 6 pairs of 3-D glasses that I keep so I don’t have to pay the extra $3 and a rubber-band.

Me trying to infuse some humor: “Ummm, no registration or insurance card. I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this being pulled over stuff, am I?” oopsie, silly me. Boop boop be do.

Smiling Officer: “Don’t worry ma’am, I got all I need. Even though you clearly don’t.”

Sexy Me: “Oh, I got what you need right here, Mr. Officer.”

Okay, the last line didn’t happen… This wasn’t a scene from Cannonball Run.

As he went back to his motorcycle to write me up, I emailed iVillage that my article would be late and called The Strand salon to tell them my feet would be late. As the policeman got to my window and began to explain my infractions, The Strand’s receptionist picked up. I gave the policeman the “just a sec” finger and proceeded to alert the receptionist of my current predicament. Holy shit, did I just give the “gimme a minute” sign? it was a natural reflex, I didn’t want to be rude to the receptionist, I mean duh? I really am bad at this being pulled over stuff.

Apparently, he could have given me something like 74 violations, but he only ticketed me for one. I imagine signaling him to hold his horses didn’t make him feel too intimidating, but he seemed to take it well. In the end, I had to get a relaxing, escapist, long overdue pedicure and turned in my piece an hour late. Then I locked myself in my house until morning.

Is it Hard to Say NO to Your Kids? |Jenny’s Topics and Tips

This week in Jenny’s Momtourage Column, Jenny from the Blog asks: Why do I find it so hard to say “no” to my children when they clearly have no problem saying it to me? She also gives 5 tips to help any parent stand their ground. Good Luck! READ MORE