Tag Archives: lifestyle expert

Carbs Are Like That Hot Guy You Loved in The 80s – (carb talk and 80s humor)

OK, without going into too much medical mumbo-jumbo, I’m supposed to have a new healthy diet, which includes cutting out most carbohydrates. Not fruits and veggies, but Starchy Carbs – like pasta, cereal, rice, baked goods, potatoes, and grains (YES, even if they’re made with yummy grains and oats and the gluten that comes with them).  And Sugary Carbs — like desserts, sodas, juices, and sweets.rob lowe 80s

So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted — who can resist carb talk and 80s humor? (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated). 

It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.

Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) You love your little tête-à-tête and you want more, you crave more, your body can’t get enough (Oh that’s because carbohydrates raise insulin, which then lowers blood sugar, which causes a craving for more food.)  So you talk a little more to Hot Guy and you trade digits! (Trust me the donut’s already got your number).

SCORE, you’re on a high (your adrenal glands are pumping out adrenaline and cortisol and you feel chipper and awake). You can’t wait to get a ring on your new Panasonic speakerphone with something called “speed dial” and a 20 number memory!!! You’d like to call him, but you’re gonna have a little will power here because you know how to play it cool Continue reading

Schtupping Brad Pitt is Interfering With My Productivity

The old “I’m having too much sex with Brad Pitt to get anything done” excuse.  Haven’t we all heard that one — one too many times?

PW – Parental Warning:  If you are my parents, please refrain from reading!

The other day I was telling my Mother in Law about my latest dreams in which I’m working out.  Sure, it could be the fact that I’m obsessed with The Biggest Loser, or that my new favorite pastime is finding new cellulite dimples, but whatever the reason working out is on the brain and these dreams are totally annoying. I’m waking up exhausted and I have nothing to show for it (other than sweaty sheets).  Listen, I dread workouts  in my waking world, so why would I want to waste those enjoyable “sex with Brad Pitt hours” at the “sleep” gym? Continue reading

Too Graphic for National Geographic

Certain things go on in nature that make you want to close your eyes and scream “earmuffs.”  Yet, instead you watch, unblinking, like a sicko.  It’s not your fault… we all do it.  

Susan at 8AM: You have to come see this. It’s horrifying.  It’s like DuckRape.

Me: I just want to make sure we’re clear. You’re asking me to come to your house so that we can watch ducks have sex? Can we not afford good porn?

Susan: You make me sound so cheap.

Me: Well, you want me to drive over to your house to watch something so horrifying you’ve termed it rape?

Susan: Yeah.

Me: Okay.

What? You people think my days are so full of work that I don’t have time to watch ducks get laid?

howard the duck
I thought it would look something like this.

 


ducks mating
But, it looked more like this.

Me: Half hour later, (when we were able to peel our eyes away) HOLY CRAP! Continue reading

Phrases we Could Teach our Kids to Say – to Make us Feel Younger Smarter and Prettier

“…It may be too late to train our hubby’s to dole out the ego boosting compliments, but our children?  Yes, yes (twist handlebar ‘mooostache’ if you have one), we can work with this.  Here’s a list of phrases I’d like to teach my children to say.  Feel free to borrow it – it’ll make you feel good…”

Not my little girl... but still pretty cute.

The other day my daughter said,  “I bet people who just meet us think we’re sisters.”  Frankly, that’s a bet I wouldn’t take, but who am I to sneer in the face of lovely sentiment?  I mean, that’s the kind of phrase you would have to train (or pay) a child of 7 to say, but no, she did it on her own volition.  No, coaxing or prodding, not even in the hopes of getting a new Barbie out of the deal.  Though I think a phrase like that deserves a new iPad – at a bare minimum.

The effect of this simple observation, that my clearly brilliant child made, was utter joy- total narcissistic mirthfulness – and that’s not a phrase I use often, as you can imagine.

This got me thinking:  If this tiny guileless thought could make me feel so great, why can’t we train our children to say things that will make us feel more hip, young, or smart, and less twitchy or stabby?

Truth is, Continue reading

Why Can’t Moms Let Boys be Boys | Jenny From the Blog for Momtourage

What if he doesn’t catch that kid!???

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time with the rough-housing and horseplay that comes along with having a son. Okay, those are totally 50’s terms, yet I can’t think of a better way to say it.

Girls definitely give us moms a huge mental workout. Mine came into this world with an attitude; my closest friend swears she gave her the evil eye on day one. Those little lasses are often cranky and snippy. They can get catty, jealous and yes, they even fight over boys before they’re out of Pull-Ups.

Oh, she will get her way!

 

But boys are a different breed. Sometimes they can be so mushy and sensitive, like little Prince Charmings, and other times they’re more like Neanderthals. While my little girl is busily primping in her room, trying on outfit number seven, and attempting to apply eye shadow, my son is out front flying across the yard with reckless abandon, as he tackles a neighbor’s son in a “friendly” game of “touch” football.

My neighbor, who has two sons and a brother, looks on half-heartedly as she files a chipped nail. I, on the other hand, am on the edge of my seat, well, my patch of grass, ready to hurl myself onto the makeshift field at the first sign of injury. Was that a wince? Was that a double- blink? A groan? A sigh? I’m on it, like a ski patrolman on a toboggan.

How can “neighbor mom” be so calm? Does she not realize that this is bound to end when somebody gets hurt? Could an eye not be poked out here? Continue reading

No One is Immune to Peek-a-Boo | Jenny From the Blog

Jenny From the Blog goes beyond any beauty pageant hopeful in the question/answer portion and not only strives for World Peace she finds a means to achieve it.  Please, hold your Pulitzers until you’ve read the piece.

Today, I was in a crappy mood.  I walked into Starbucks, as is my routine, with a sluggish gait knowing it would take my half-caf grande, no fat, no foam latte to remotely tackle my morning.  When I entered I realized 22 other people had the same thought and my crappy mood got exponentially worse.  An acquaintance two people ahead of me foolishly tried to make chit chat, which I quickly put a stop to with my terse responses.  Don’t try to talk to me right now lady, I’m pissy and I haven’t had my coffee.

 

Frankly, there should be a rule that no one talk to you in the morning coffee line, because we’re all in the same boat (barely awake and coffee-less.)  Unfortunately, the person in front of me did not get that memo or maybe she did, but she couldn’t read it because she was approximately 1 year old.

She was also being carried by her mother and therefore facing me directly.  The one thing about lines that you can usually count on is that people face front in anticipation of their turn, which means less talk.  Kind of like the way people stare at the doors of the elevator until it’s their floor.

It would be odd to have someone facing you in an elevator… and this was my current situation.

 

 

 

Sure, she was cute.  She had fiery red curls and sweet blue eyes.  But she wouldn’t break me, uh uh.  I was not smiling for anyone and some baby was not about to change that, even if she flashed me her own 4 tiny, little toothed smile.  Then out of nowhere she started laughing this adorable little giggle.  Clearly, she sensed my disdain and was taunting me.

Puhlease Baby, you think you’re soooo cute don’t you?  But not to me, uh uh.  I’m in a bad mood and your precious, I mean dumb little laugh does nothing for me… NOTHING. But this baby was not giving up; she was relentless in her torture.  She cooed and ooed and ahhed, but I would not crack.  It was my will against hers and I would win.  Finally, in defeat she buried her head in her mom’s shoulder.

Ha, Ha Baby, I’m the winner, yes I am… Wait, what’s that?  What’s she doing now? She popped her head back up and put her hands over her eyes, she wasn’t cowering as I had hoped; she was playing peek-a-boo. Nooooo, not peek-a-boo.

She opened her hands to show me her eyes and I clenched my fist ready to weather the storm.  “Peek-a-boo,” escaped from my mouth before I could reel the words back in.  She giggled and next thing you know I had my hands over my own eyes.  Then she giggled, then I giggled, then I smiled like a big pile of mush.  She was working me like a marionette.  Oh, she was smug one… cooeing and flashing her 4 tiny teeth.

My mood had picked up, even before gulping down my latte.  I wasn’t all daggers and evil thoughts, I was rainbows and unicorns.  Don’t judge me for crumbling.
No one and I mean NO ONE is immune to peek-a-boo.

In fact, I think we deal with the unrest in Libya and Egypt by sending cute little babies to the front lines.  What would enemy militia do if a Hummer pulled up and a bunch of babies trained in the art of peek-a-boo waddled out?  Hmmm?  Sure, you’ve probably been asked that before, but have ever given it any real thought?  What if we air dropped babies over enemy lines with their tiny little baby parachutes?  The campaign would be called “Drop Babies, Not Bombs.” Brillaint, right?  Sheesh, why do I have to come up with all the ideas? Gaddafi and Mubarak you better watch your step, chubby legged cooing babies with parachutes will be dropping in when you least expect it.

Okay, I’ll take my Pulitzer now.

For Other Articles I’ve Done on Hybrid Mom or to comment directly at their site: HYBRID MOM

COMMENT QUESTION:  Do You Got Any Better Ideas? and if not could I borrow your baby?

Beer, Cash, and Mix Tapes? – Best Tips for Father’s Day Gift Giving EVER

How miniatures, cash, beer, and spa products can make the dad in your life giddy on Father’s Day.  And who doesn’t like a giddy man?

“It’s a sweater!!!”  Yes, that was the infamous (in-famous) exclamation of the great El Guapo.  See pic below.

El Guapo's banditos knit him a birthday sweater. See how happy he is? (Three Amigos)

And yes, that was some good acting and yet… it’s the exact response I look for from my hubby on Father’s Day and rarely – ok, never get.  I don’t know how to make you men happy.  Well, I know, but I don’t want to go there.  Please, I’m a nice Jewish girl.  I’d never do that kinda stuff… after marriage.

Besides, I prefer the old fashioned way of keeping a spouse happy:  Material Goods.  Unfortunately, you men don’t seem as wowed by a new pair of stilettos or a spa day as we chicks do and that is why you suck to get gifts for and also why we married you.  Oh, the irony.

On the Sunday after next, men all over America will open slender boxes and say, “It’s a tie” yawn.

Why?

Because we don’t know what the hell else to get you.

And we like very much that you’re currently employed.  Also, Because you never tell us what you want.  So, I, Jenny from the Blog, Lifestyle Expert extraordinaire, have compiled a  list of the best gifts for the guy that doesn’t need, want, or ask for anything.

Was $88 Now $49

1.  The wallet full of stuff.  Oh, I truly looooove this one.  Take a look at your guys money holder, if it’s falling apart or has Velcro located anywhere on it, it’s time for a new one.  The best part isn’t the wallet, it’s the thought you put into it.  You need to go to Starbucks, Blockbuster, and Sports Authority or a rounder at your supermarket and pick up gift cards from some of your man’s or your Dad’s favorite places.  The denominations can be small (you will have to get the cards in store if less than $20), but it’s worth the smile on his face.  Oh, and don’t forget to put in pics of the kids or yourself if you are “the kid.”  PS – Cole Hahn outlets are the best.  They are an average of 30%-60% off all the time and they smell like Italy (or at least how I imagine Italy would smell.)

2.  Lot’s of guys like beer, name one who wouldn’t like their own tap?  See, you can’t can you?  The Krupps BeerTender fits on your counter and keeps your beverage at optimal serving temperature.

$80 with a 20% off coupon from BB and Beyond

It features a temperature indicator, signaling when the beer reaches its optimal 37.4° F serving temperature and lasts up to 30 days.  Plus you can remove the tap so the kids can’t access the beverages.  Like the key the liquor cabinet.

If you don’t get a coupon from BB&B like every other day, sign up for their mail online and you will soon receive one.

If you want to make it super thoughtful, get frosty mugs from your hubbies favorite team at Bed Bath and Beyond or if you’re willing to get a dozen you can have his initials or name laser engraved into a mug at DiscountMugs.com for an amazing price.


3.  The Mix Tape for the Millenium.  Remember how much you loved getting a mix tape from your high school beau?  You know, a little Journey, maybe a Chicago tune or two?  Well, now you can give that dope gift to the man you love.  Pick him up an MP3 (I recommend an iTouch) and fill it with songs for him.  Your song plus anything else that feels right and don’t forget to put on a few from the kiddies.  I’m thinking Yeti Stomp by the Backyardigans and let’s not forget C is for Cookie from the Monster himself or if your kids are like mine maybe some Zepplin, Who, and of course Ke$ha for my 6yo.

If your man has an MP3 steal it and add a few and then surprise him with a pair of high tech headphones.

$14 - $20 at Best Buy, depending on sale.

 

$95 from $179 at Best Buy

4.  Everything’s better in mini size, well not everything, but miniatures do make things cuter (get your brain out of the gutter and think Tea Cup poodles). Get the dad in your life a Dopp kit, which is a small toiletry bag that’s used for storing men’s grooming tools for travel. Then get a bunch of mini’s to fill it with, think: comb, brush, deodorant, shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, scissors, toothbrush, toothpaste, cologne, men’s eye cream, moisturizer and of course a razor and extra blades. It’s a gift every guy LOVVVVVVES.

Great Buy Cabela's leather Dopp Kit on sale for $29

5.   It’s Tee Time baby.  Give the golfer the newest gadgets.  If you don’t know what’s big now, I’ll lay it out for you… I mean fore you.

Taylormade R11 Driver

$399 not crazy for a driver.

Taylormade R11 Driver – This could be the biggest golf product launch of the year. It’s a Golf Digest Hot List Gold Metal Winner, and was selected as Editors Choice for drivers for 2011.


Only R11 can be adjusted in 48 combinations of:

Loft

Increase or decrease launch angle to get more distance

Face Angle
Select and open, closed, or neutral address setting for more distance

Flight Path

Promote A Fade

- Heavier weight in toe, lighter weight in heel for more distance
Promote A Draw
– Lighter weight in toe, heavier weight in heel for more distance
In other words, if you’re confused, go with this club!

$200 with mail in rebate

Garmin Approach® S1, a GPS wristwatch for golf courses with no annual fee.

 

  • Preloaded with over 13,000 courses (and counting), US and Canada
  • Includes par & distance to front, middle, & back of each green (accounting for dog leg distances)
  • Measures last shot distance
  • Odometer provides distance walked on or off the course
  • Watch mode features GPS time & date, alarm and automatic time zone detection
  • Easy to use interface featuring automatic hole transitioning
  • Waterproof design with high sensitivity GPS
  • Rechargeable lithium-ion battery – 3 week watch mode / 8 hour GPS mode

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Check Golf Galaxy for online coupons.

Well, there you go no need to buy a tie this year unless it’s this one:

"it's a tie"

Did I mention I like irony?