Tag Archives: Jenny Isenman

Getting Back at the In-Laws – a Thanksgiving Tradition

happythanksgiving 2Let’s face it, sometimes in-laws can drive us crazy.  Mine love to whisper in front of me in a rather loud rendition of a whisper… (among other things).

But on Thanksgiving I get them back, or should I say, “I give it back” and isn’t that the point of Thanksgiving … the giving? Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving tradition.

You see, I’m a poultry-phobe.  I fear fowl, and when cooking it, I’m usually convinced that poultry is simply a bunch of salmonella clumped together in the shape of wings, breasts, turkeys etc.  You know, like the way meat was shaped for the McRib? In fact, whenever I see a picture on Facebook where someone has stupidly stuck an entire raw turkey on their head (and I’ve seen a few), I assume they are going to die. Continue reading

Camp Phone Calls Could End My Marriage

Who knew the highly anticipated camp phone calls could be such a blow to a relationship? Oh well, when my baby is 1500 miles away from home, and I get a few minutes to talk — It’s every man, ahem mom, for herself!

Camp Phone Calls Could Ruin My Marriage #camp #sleepaway #humor

It’s sleepaway camp time and everyone is getting their calls from the kiddos. I’ve found a pattern, in that I desperately want to strangle my husband after each call. Luckily for me (and not so much my husband), I’m apparently not alone.

Look, us moms are ready. We’ve stayed up until the wee hours waiting for the pictures to download — sometimes hitting “refresh” every minute, (and by minute I mean second) as they download one at a time. We’ve studied them like highly trained CIA agents, analyzing their smiles, their friends, their body language. Continue reading

iCan Not iStand the Apple Store

iCan't iStand The iApple Store - We Have a Love Hate Relationshipi Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)

Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store.  Oh, the Apple store.  It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults.  Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing.  There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor.  Continue reading

12 Ways Saturday Night is Different After Children – Then vs Now

Saturday Night Before Kids vs AfterWhile my washer and dryer were hard at work and my dishes were in the final rinse cycle, the ball dropped to ring in the New Year.

I had just called my kids in to watch the countdown while simultaneously thanking my lucky stars that J and Ry had missed the pre-New Year’s performance Miley gave, where she awkwardly cradled/fondled a midget, while she donned a pair of upper-vagina-accentuating gold sequin pants that did her bod no justice and oddly reminded me of what Molly Shannon would wear when she kicked and yelled, “I’m fifty,”

After wiping the sweat off my brow, emptying my glass of champagne, and making a mental note to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I blew my hubby (who was sick and spent the night matching me shot for shot with a bottle of Nyquil) a kiss and then shooed our guests out the door before the clock hit 12:01.  (PS I just realized I should have saved the parenthetical in the middle of  “blew my hubby a kiss” until after I completed the sentence. Poor guy — only gets it in a grammatical error.)

Anyhoo, it dawned on me, New Years used to be a romantic night (see When Harry Met Sally) … so did Birthdays, Anniversaries … Saturdays. Some of those events still are, but most of those would-be enchanted evenings have been replaced with J’s travel baseball, taking Ry to the movies, and trips to an arcade and a gourmet burger joint.

I recently analyzed the not so subtle differences in what I found hot before marriage and after marriage and now it’s time to take a good hard look at the evolution of the date night. Then vs Now:
Continue reading

10 Reasons I Can’t Be The PERFECT Mother

Reasons I cant be the PERFECT momAs the holidays and New Years roll around, I’m reminded of how insanely crafty and on the ball some moms can be.  They make peppermint bark and post things on Pinterest that look professionally done. They make perfectly decorated cookies and design splendorous holiday scenes and dioramas. Really? a diorama???

Look, I have my moments, but I’m speaking of a specific mom we all know, the “PERFECT Mother.” She’s president of the PTA, she plans all the fundraisers.  She bakes homemade goodies from scratch for bake sales. She has a position on every board. She recommends who should be room mom to all the teachers and you can pretty much call her for any bit of information. I like to joke that if you need anything changed, explained, or rerouted, you could call her and it would get done with meticulous speed and accuracy.

“Could you tell me how the Facebook algorithms work?” “How many reformers will they have at the new Pilates studio?” “Will I have to take a connecting flight on my trip to Utah?”

I also like to imagine that she walks around with a Tide Stain Stick, righting the wrongs of the slovenly.

As much as I would like to be involved in every facet of my child’s life, and on top of every box top collected or Fun Run ran, I will never ever be that chick and there are a multitude of reasons why. Here are a few: Continue reading

22 Little Things My Husband Does That Annoy The Crap Out of Me

annoying things about husband 2 ecardFor better or worse … that’s what we agreed to, right? Who new when we signed up for this by saying “I do,” that our mates would become so annoying?

Sure, we love them, but let’s face it, when you live with someone day in day out for what feels like an eternity, the little quirks that were once endearing, or at least easy to ignore, can become somewhat irritating, exasperating, irksome, maddening, and grating. Have I said too much?

Last week, my husband — who has pretty much no idea how to use most of the items in our home or where we keep them for that matter — screamed from the kitchen (after having a tooth extracted), “Hey honey, where do we keep the saltwater, or do we not have any in the house?” I was tempted to send him to the store to futilely search for a bottle o’ saltwater simply to avoid dealing with the ridiculousness of that question, plus I needed time to think of reasons I love him.

Instead, I made you this list of annoying things husbands do (well, mine at least), for the purpose of female bonding and personal sanity… Continue reading

6 Awesome Non-Surgical Options to Get Rid of Stubborn Fat (Available Now and Coming Soon)

body contouring blog postEveryone loves to tell you how to get rid of stubborn fat, like it’s so easy. “Put down the donut.” “Go to the gym.” “Be less stressed.” “Drink 30 gallons of water each day.” “Get 23 hours of sleep.” “Cut out carbs.” “Do cardio all day, everyday.”

There, now you have everything you need to get thin and svelte. You’re welcome.

So, what are you waiting for? Have you lost any of that fat yet? No? How about now? Still no? Sheesh, you’re lazy!

Oh, you have a life and you’re busy? What, you work? You have kids and they have busy lives too? You’ve tried all that stuff and realized that after having babies and dealing with the Earth’s gravitational pull for so many years; there are certain areas or pockets of fat that no amount of sit-ups, juice fasts, miracle creams, or vitamins can fix?

Why didn’t you say so? Because we’re not having an actual conversation, you say? Got it, I also get that these areas you speak of (well, I’m speaking of) contain the kind of bulge that doesn’t like to budge. So, what’s a gal to do? (I imagine you asking.)

Well, I researched like a maniac for column at SmartBeauty, and holy crap, there are a ton of options and they seem to be getting better by the minute. They’re already using fat dissolving injections and I’m pretty sure, at this rate, we’ll be able to eat a fat dissolving candy bar within the next decade, maybe within the hour (I should try a candy bar and see if it works).

Here are the best FDA-Approved options currently available from Cool Sculpt, to ultrasound, to radio frequency to new injections.

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