The Suburban Jungle

When my first kid was all of eight months old, my friend’s daughter uttered some phrase about “choco-latte.” I looked at her sideways. “Is that from a kindermusik class or something?” I asked. “No, it’s from Dora the Explorer,” she said. “Dora the what?” I replied. “You don’t know Dora?” she said, shocked. “Don’t worry you will. You will.” Sure, I will, I thought. My son isn’t going to be into some girly show like that; not when there’s Elmo, The Wiggles, and the oh so masculine Barney to entertain him.

Well, if I could “abre” my mouth and insert my foot, I would. In the eight years following that day I first heard of the little Latino lass, I’ve watched my two children follow Map up every purple mountain, over every flowy river and past every troll guarded gate.

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Talk about awkward. Here’s my take on explaining the unexplainable.

I always say it’s not a matter of “if” your child will walk in on you and hubs doing the deed, it’s a matter of “when.” Sure, there are lots of excuses: “Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling… naked.” “Oh, mommy slipped and her clothes fell off and dad was helping me up. Why are his off too? Well, he didn’t want me to feel silly.” “This is a special dance we do for rain, you know like on the National Geographic channel? Damn that drought and global warming!” And of course when they’re over a certain age, there’s just no explanation other than, “Okay, you caught us.”

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Baby Ryan, based on someone I know all too well, is the knew blogger on Baby Banter, which is run by the fabulous site SheKnows.com. I say it’s time for those kids to pull their weight. Chicken fingers, pizzas, and hotdogs don’t pay for themselves, you know? Once my kids hit Kindergarten it’s time to pay the piper. So, along those lines, Ryan is a working baby writer. Sure, it was hard to teach her how to type, but I put her in front of the keyboard and told her she couldn’t have dessert until she could type 60WPM. Let me tell you about the power of a black and white cookie.

She also happens to be hilarious!!! I will list her posts here and if you’re intrigued click the link. Here’s her bio, so you know what you’re in for.

Ryan “The Rockstar”
Whassup, I’m Baby Ryan. Here’s what you should know about me, first of all, I’m a girl — people get confused by the name and lack of hair on my head. As you may have guessed by my advanced vocabulary, I’m crazy smart. I have an uncanny knack for telling it like it is, but deep down I’m still a big mush. Sure, I’ve been called ornery and stubborn, but those qualities are certain to help me at Kindermusik when some stinky little crybaby tries to steal my tambourine.

Contrary to common belief, I understand everything you weird, cooing people are saying. I’m also pretty sure that I’m royalty of some sort because you all act like my servants. It seems that many of you are simply here to entertain and amuse me, while the rest of you wait on me hand and foot. I don’t have to walk anywhere, scrounge for food or even lift a spoon for that matter. I can get insanely dirty and someone just cleans me up. Even more astounding, when I get you people dirty, you simply laugh and wipe the pureed bananas out of your hair. Best of all, I don’t have to poop in that crazy hole that sucks out your soul through your bottom. I simply need to cry (I wish someone would get me a bell) and you’re at my beck and call. Being a baby rocks!

Ryan’s Profile:

Age: 9 months

Likes: Catching sight of my future BF Zuma Rossdale in a magazine

Hates: The short annoying kid they call my brother and my “Spit Happens” bib

Favorite Word: No

When I grow up: Me and Zuma will live happily ever after

Post: Seriously? Not the Pea Plane Again!

On the 4th of July, Real Housewife of Orange County, Alexis Bellino’s stroller rolled into a pool with her 2-1/2-year-old twin daughters on board. Luckily, there was a quick response and everyone was fine, but many people across the internet are incensed, calling her irresponsible and negligent. The truth is, regardless of what you think of Bellino, accidents like this can happen in the blink of an eye. As parents, we all have those moments — the ones we look back on and think, “Wow, that happened so fast!” Usually, they’re little things; one minute you’re walking with your child and you notice his shoe is untied, the next he’s tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and broken an arm.

One of my scariest and most self loathing moments was when my son was about 6 months old. I accidentally locked him in my car. READ MORE

Okay, I may have mentioned I’m a guilt ridden parent once or twice or a thousand times.  Well, I also have 4^th of July guilt.  Yep, I feel guilty if my kids don’t get to see fireworks on the 4^th of July.  Like many parents, I go to great lengths to make sure they get this Independence Day experience; long car rides, busy parking areas, throngs of people smooshing into parks and harbors… you know the drill. (more…)

Here is today’s news story.  It’s front page on iVillage and of course written by me.  Check it out if you drank during pregnancy, know someone who did, are officially an alcoholic or you like reading my stuff and finding out strange but true facts.
Want Grandkids? Don’t Drink (Much) During Pregnancy

Mom, where do babies come from? Before you start sputtering stories of the stork, read this http://bit.ly/bvKouo

There’s a part of me that thought the day I would have to cross this conversational bridge was years down the road, like thinking about your child going off to college. Boy was I wrong. The inquiries started a few years after their own births; they were met with tales of whimsy (the stork, the basket on the doorstep,) and tales of medical marvels, (through a mommy’s belly button, from out of thin air.) I’ve even told the seldom used, “We found you in a trashcan” tale — which was told to me by my doting dad, who would threaten to put me back in the trashcan where he found me, when I wasn’t listening… (more…)

My Kids Will Only Eat Food that Comes From a Children’s Menu –You Too? Here’s Help

(I’m sorry, I don’t have the rights to reprint the article in full and I could use comments to the site where it’s posted.  PS they called me “anonymous,” which doesn’t exactly make me happy, but they’re newly revamped and I want this job.  Maybe getting readers to the site will parlay into a byline.  Who knows?  It happens to be a cute piece.  ENJOY!) Go there now or read the intro below:

Okay, maybe you have this problem, also.  My kids only eat food you’d find on a children’s menu.  You know, the usual suspects:  grilled cheese, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, pizza, burgers, buttered noodles, etc.  I could list the health content in these meals, but let’s just agree to call it nil.  Where did I go wrong?  (more…)

According to the barrista at my Starbucks, I’m an awesome wife.  No, I’m not putting out for lattes like I once threatened to do and I’m certainly not ironing clothes for the lady who swipes my card –or even my husband for that matter.   I simply showed up at 7:45 AM to buy my husband his coffee on Father’s Day.  The staff at my Starbucks were taking bets on how many of their regular customer’s wives would show up for a Father’s Day coffee run.  The results: 2.  Yep, 2 wives, myself included.  They cheered when I entered, “Jenny, I knew I could count on you,” the manager said.  I thought I’d won a prize, maybe a frappe “my way?”  It seems I deserved one;  when I walked in to get my coffee this morning they were still talking about it.  They were talking about how shocked they were that on Mother’s Day they saw all the dads with the kids, letting moms sleep in and on Father’s Day the husbands still got the coffee.  I guess the men are the “weekend coffee getters” in our society.  Sure, they used to be hunters and gatherers, protectors, and providers, but now apparently getting coffee is as manly a task as we can bestow on our husbands. (more…)

Didn’t we all have adolescent obsessions that bordered on stalking or was that just me?  This story will make your embarrassing moments seem way less embarrassing!  It’s that bad, I’ve never spoken of it.

As you may have noticed from some of my posts, I have a flair for the dramatic.  I recall an experience of such exaggerated intensity with my first crush.  For the sake of the blog and the fact that some of my readers will know him, I’ll call him Eric, Eric Axel.  This pseudonym is not exactly cryptic, it‘s about 2 letters off from his actual name.  Look, I pursued him like an obsessed stalker I’m sure it’s no surprise to him.

This was old school stalking I’m referring to: no technology, no cell phone, or FB, or twitter, or my space.  I’m talking about the kind of stalking that took time and effort and premeditation, something to tell your grandchildren about.

So, I’m gonna rip off the Band-Aid, that is this repressed memory, and let the healing begin.  I was in the 7^th grade and I was in love.  “Love” love. (more…)

CBS 4 featured ME as the news segment.    Yes, it’s true, I wasn’t commenting on whether to spank or not, or talking about the holidays; I was talking about the blog (That you all read!) and the book that I contributed to. Frankly, I’ve found myself news worthy for some time, I’m just glad someone else finally thinks so.  My local girls rocked it and it was so freaking fun.  That’s right, I said the “F” word and I totally meant it.  Check out the footage (click the video in the top right corner).

Thanks for your support,

Jenny From the Blog

Okay, since I never host events, I thought it would be smart to host 2 in one week.  My eyes aren’t twitching nearly enough and my back and shoulders need to be tighter and spasmier.  See, I can’t even write clearly. (I didn’t even write the invite… props go to Lisa Milberg holla! (more…)