Tag Archives: Jenny from the blog

May The Shmoozee Be With You

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Screen Shot 2013-04-29 at 7.59.04 AMOK, I was hired to make a sample video for a contest for SHMOOZEES. Yes, I rarely do this stuff, but my daughter kinda loves them … as she does any as seen on TV item. See: the Big Top Cupcake, Pillow Pets, Pajama Jeans … Seriously, for about a year of my life, I had to explain to her that we would NOT be able to wear matching Pajama Jeans to her class party and that neither the Buxton Over-The-Shoulder-Organizer nor the Aluma Wallet were my kinda THANG.

Though she frequently reminded me that the Buxton is “genuWINE” leather and the comfortable strap can be adjusted for maximum mobility.  Plus, she’s pointed out that the Aluma wallet is virtually indestructible, “you could even run over it with a car, mom!” Which I guess is a good point? I mean if I had a dollar for every time I inadvertently ran my wallet over with my car, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be taking jobs to make sample videos, duh.

So, all that said, here is the video. I was not paid to put it up on my site I’m just doing it because, I actually enjoyed making it and I think it turned out somewhere between cringe-worthy and giggle- worthy, which is my favorite point in the humor spectrum.  ENJOY May the SHMOOZEE Be With You.

If you want to know more about the contest and prizes click here.

RELATED POST: 6 RIDICULOUS AS SEEN ON TV PRODUCTS I KINDA LOVE

50 Like Totally Random Things I Remember as a Child of Like The 80s

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After writing a recent post on 15 things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1.  Being on a wait list for a Cabbage Patch Kid and not even being able to pick the one you wanted (bonus points if you remember its name — mine was Mitzy Shirley and she had the dreaded short curly hair).

2.  Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3.  Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4.  That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5.  The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6.  Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!” Continue reading →

Push LIKE if You Have Skin – Plus 10 More Desperate FB Page Ideas

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So sad he had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. He's one sick puppy!

So sad she had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. She’s one sick puppy! (From MyDumbDogs.wordpress.com)

Yesterday, I saw an ad in the sidebar of facebook for a page called “I Love My Children.” It simply read: “Push LIKE if you love your children.” What’s crazier is that 5 of my friends had already “LIKED” said page (you know how it shows you that too?).

Wow, ladies you LOVE your children? No way! I can’t even wrap my head around it because you totally seemed like the types to down right hate your children, but then you went and pushed that button and now I’m all, “Maybe I misjudged you.” “Maybe you’re the best moms, like ever!” “Maybe you could watch mine sometime.” Then of course it dawned on me how very many of you so called friends of mine clearly DO NOT love your children which you made abundantly clear by NOT pushing “like”!

PS – To my mom and dad (who are on FB): I knew it! Don’t expect calls on your birthdays either … a-holes.

Is it just me or has the social networking world has gone bat shit crazy! Continue reading →

Only in Florida People – Only in Florida

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We Floridians are somewhat the butt of a running joke that the random, dangerous, and ass backwards things seem to happen here. Unfortunately, we tend to live up to this stereotype by constantly proving it true. People wonder why I’m such a neurotic mother and I’m beginning to wonder if my locale doesn’t have a smidgen to do with it.

For instance, it’s tough to deny that we live among some crazy prehistoric animals. From those massive dragon flies to the gators I’ve spotted around my lake doing their best George Hamilton impressions (did that reference age me?), to the panthers, to the poisonous frogs (Florida imported to kill our insect problem, which ended up killing peoples pets -great idea, Florida).  I’ve seen mosquitos the size of a house cat and ominous turkey buzzards that make me shake in fear. Continue reading →

What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?

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What's a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends?“Well, Jenny cough again but harder this time,” said Dr. Pollen from her cushy position directly underneath me and looking up into my nether regions.  How did the doctor get such a view, you ask? I was on a special type of birthing chair (one that was probably used in the 1600s as they inquired as to whether you were a witch). Not only was there barely any seat to hold me up, I was hoisted about 6ft in the air, so that the doctor’s assistants (or people with weird fetishes who pay to be called doctor’s assistants, as I like to call them) were looking my vajajay dead in the eye, ahem, the labia. The doctor then sat on her stool and literally rolled underneath me as if she was checking out my chassis. Which makes sense because she did mention the need for a tune up.

Why would one sit on such a chair without being dared or paid? Because apparently I have all kinds of prolapse (that’s stuff caving in and falling down, to you and me) and I’ve been totes ignoring my pelvic floor, which is weird because I’m pretty good about taking care of my floors … waxing the wood ones, cleaning the grout on the stone… Actually I do have a cleaning person, so it would’ve been weird to ask her to attend to my pelvic floor after say, vacuuming. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s let their pelvic floor slip through the cracks. Google says 40% of women are found to have stage II or greater prolapse upon pelvic exam. I read it on the internet people, so it must be true.

And yet, no one seems to discuss it. So, I am because A. “Vagina” is my favorite word to work into random conversation B. Doctors like to treat this issue with hysterectomies, which may not be necessary. C. If I pee on the floor while we’re having a conversation, you’ll already know why and we can just gloss over it and move on to the next topic. Continue reading →

Why Did Chachi Love Joanie Not Me and Other Reasons I Made Out With Posters in the 80s

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Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

He’s so thoughtful!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

This leering could be illegal ( I was 9).
We still made-out.

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

If only this was a
pillowcase!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

Yes, 1000
times yes!

 

 

 

 

.

Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother? Boobs? For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.

I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but we may have gotten to 2nd base … I don’t know who was flatter Wall Scott Baio or me.)

After all that heavy petting I was positive that we had a magical connection through his pin-up. I truly believed this, the way at 9 years old, you may believe that if you have a dream about someone else they may be dreaming about you, or the way you believe there are unicorns disguised as horses and some day one of them will expose it’s true self to you because you are a REAL believer. Then you will ride over a rainbow together where you may or may not meet a live Care Bear. (Of course Funshine would’ve been my first choice, but I would’ve taken a run in with Love-a-Lot.)

That said, I knew that one day Scott would come visit our school for some assembly. You know like a One-to-Grow-On in person? He would probably discuss why I shouldn’t try cigarettes or answer the door for strangers or stick my finger down my throat. Because I knew not to do those things already we were a perfect match. I simply had to have my best friend (you know the one with the other half of my best friend charm?) give him a note that read: Will you go with me? Check a box below, yes, no, maybe. The “maybe” was really just a safety net in case a big celebrity like Scott needed to contact his managers and his mother and make sure he could fit me into his busy schedule. I had thought of everything.

Sadly, that day never came, but the loss didn’t linger (like his glares). He was torn down and replaced with Matt Dillon, Ricky Shroder Rob Lowe …

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

I’d still let him get to 2nd base!

Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer …

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

Dodged that bullet, huh?

Kirk Cameron, John Stamos (who has me eating Oikos) and Jason Bateman (who I may have a new poster of, I’m not telling, but if I did it would be somewhere between Ryan Gossling, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Reynolds).
Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s
Wow, I’m a serious wall slut.

Tell me I’m not alone, who leered at you from your walls?

Be Awesome, Share This Post

Be Awesomer, Ask Jason Bateman if He’ll “go” With Me

Related: 15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know if I Weren’t a Gen Xer

What Your Dog is Thinking – As Described By My Dog

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What your dog is really thinkingThis morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk (which I was guilted into by the pic above), I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic.

I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):

YES YES YES, Mom’s putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we’re going for a walk. This is wonderful news!

Look, she isn’t averting her eyes the way she does when she’s going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous.

(That’s when I noticed my phone needed a few minutes to charge or I’d have no music which equals no walk, so I turned from the door and headed to the bedroom.)

Nooooooooooo! Not the room with the big comfy thing in the middle where the fluffy squares I like to hump (when you’re not home) are located! That room is a trap. Each night she lies on that thing and doesn’t come our for like weeks, maybe months. I’m not sure, time eludes me. OK think think (pacing) gotta take a stand. Now’s the time to speak up. Just say, it say, it say it.

Whimper whimper.

Shit, that wasn’t what I wanted to say at all.  I don’t even know what language that was.

OK it seems to have worked, YES. She’s moving, this is a good sign annnnnnnnnnnd we’re off.

Awesome, let’s run. Come on — faster faster faster. What’s the matter with your legs? Why can’t you go faster? This is what happens when you lose two of your legs like you did, you’re slow. Why don’t you get some rollers and I’ll just pull you?

WAIT.

STOP NOW!

What it that???

(This is when I say, “Come on, stop smelling the leaf.”)

You call that thing a leaf? OMG it’s brilliant. I must smell it. There are more … there are tons … I must smell them. I feel like I must smell EVERY ONE.

Stop pulling.

What if this one is different?

Or this one?

Or this tree, or this pole, or this crack in the sidewalk?

Sheesh, enough with the pulling. How come no one is pulling you? Where’s the rope tied around your neck lady?

OK fine I’ll go, but let’s go fast and I’m just gonna cross the pavement back and forth from side to side right in front of you ‘cuz I don’t wanna miss anything.

Can you stopping tripping over me? G-d having two legs really must suck for you.

WAIT!

OH WOW. OH YES. OH GOODY!

There is a lady coming straight for us. Oh yeah. She can’t wait to see me. She’s running to me, she must wanna play. This is great, like bacon, I can’t even stand it. I bet she has a toy or a bone. Come on (ears perk up in cutest most excited face ever) and wait for it, wait, steady, hold hold HOLD.

SHE’S HERE!!!! I love you I love you I lo…. Wait she’s gone. Did she even see me? Is she coming back? What happened? Where’s my toy?

OK, reel it in ‘cuz there’s another human and this one has no hair and he’s in dark clothes and I think he’s going to attack us. He’s coming in slow.

Look big… bigger… like a bear. (Fur on back stands up straight.) Here he comes, I’ll save you Mom. Bark bark bark bark. Oh crap, his hand is near my head. He’s coming in for the kill and … ohhhh that’s nice. Why, he isn’t an attacker at all. He loves me. Well, I love him too.

(This is when I think, I’m happy my house has an alarm.)

That was lovely, I hope he comes by again soon. I’d probably live with him if you died. Not that I want you to die, I’m just sayin’ …

STOP STOP STOP!!!

REAL DANGER THIS TIME!

That stick just jumped in front of me! Did you see that? It’s trying to attack you all ninja style! (Fur on ruff stands up) Grrrrrowl. Bark Bark, I’m the alpha here! Don’t think you can kill my owner, though I do have a back up plan… There was a lovely fellow a few feet back that I …

Wait focus.

The ninja stick, right … I will screw you up.

Yeah that’s right shake in fear baby. SHAKE IN FEAR.

OK mom you’re safe we can pass. You’re welcome.

But, um let’s slow down a bit, K? This was a lot farther than I thought we were gonna go. We’ve been walking for like a year or something.

Can we rest for a sec?

The grass right here looks perfect I’ll just lay for a minute. I won’t close my eyes or anything.

OK one close. Not a nap just a long blink.

What we gotta go again? Did someone move our house while we were walking, the way back seems further. Could you drag me the rest of the way? Maybe put me on wheels and roll me, no?

Damn, those two legs may not go fast, but they go far.

Phew, we’re home. I need an entire bowl of water and a nap. And then we should totally go for a walk. I feel like it’s been years since you’ve taken me on one.

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Adam Levine Coughed Up A Hairball

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Let's Name Our Cat Will FeralIf you’ve been reading me for a while, you know my son is the sentimental sensitive one and my daughter has the snark of Chelsea Handler, the attitude of an 80′s valley girl, and the comic timing of Conan O’Brien.  She would also sell you down the river for tickets to a Katy Perry concert … maybe even a Kit Kat bar.

(It’s funny how kids can be so different from each other and still so clearly like their parents.)

Anyhoo, the other night my witty daughter and I were discussing what we will name our new kitty. (Which we haven’t found yet.) The conversation actually started because Ry was interested in what she should name her daughter when she has one.

Ry: “
Mom should I name my daughter Diamond, Texas, or Sapphire?”

Me: (Well, I guess I’ll be adding a stripper pole to that kid’s layette) You know those are way better names for a kitten?

Ry: Noooo, I was thinking we would name our kitten something cute, like Snowball or maybe Mr. Something.

Me: Ooh, I like that — we could name it after a famous Mister like, Mr. Burns, or Mr. Magoo.

Ry: I was thinking more like Mr. Nubs

Me: Really Mr. nubs? That makes him sound like a creepy cat amputee.  Continue reading →

Schtupping Brad Pitt is Interfering With My Productivity

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The old “I’m having too much sex with Brad Pitt to get anything done” excuse.  Haven’t we all heard that one — one too many times?

PW – Parental Warning:  If you are my parents, please refrain from reading!

The other day I was telling my Mother in Law about my latest dreams in which I’m working out.  Sure, it could be the fact that I’m obsessed with The Biggest Loser, or that my new favorite pastime is finding new cellulite dimples, but whatever the reason working out is on the brain and these dreams are totally annoying. I’m waking up exhausted and I have nothing to show for it (other than sweaty sheets).  Listen, I dread workouts  in my waking world, so why would I want to waste those enjoyable “sex with Brad Pitt hours” at the “sleep” gym? Continue reading →

When Your Tween Son Pays Attention To You Act Natural

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When Your Tween Son Pays Attention to You - Act Natural

My sweet amazing baby boy is now a tween. You know, that stage where moms are not quite as smart or cool … or necessary as they once were? Sure, they want you to get them a glass of water when they’re in bed. Sometimes they’ll throw you a bone and ask you to lay with them when they’re freaked out by some scary character they saw in a trailer on YouTube. Yep, they have to settle for horror movie trailers because that same annoying overprotective mother (you) said they weren’t old enough to watch Final Destination or SAW. (Smart choice)

Actually, tween really is the perfect term, as they’re truly somewhere between “Mommy will you come in my room?” and “Mom my room is off limits to you.” They’re between, “Mom I think Katie likes me because she always says ‘Hi,’ so what do I do now?” and Mom overhearing him tell some friends he wants to date Chastity because she puts out. (This is why you should never name your child Chastity … because irony is a bitch.)

I remember when the shift into tweenishness occurred. Continue reading →

A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That Could Kill You

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Newest Post: When Your Tween Son Pays Attention to You – Act Natural

19 Common Things That Could Kill You, So THEY Say

Last week, I went on a girls weekend to the Canyon Ranch to celebrate my 40th birthday. Not that I feel that particular birthday needs a lot of attention, but it seemed like a great excuse to spend savings that should be going towards Botox, anti-aging creams and um, groceries. As you can imagine, we were a rowdy crew, 7 girls on South Beach blowing lines and partying with the Kardashians. Oh, I mean blowing off our reservations at trendy restaurants and sitting around in our robes talking about all the things that could kill you.

MORE HUMOR: 15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t a Gen Xer

Yes, that was the talk of much of the weekend. One of us would suggest an idea to make life easier, to make ourselves look younger, or to make our homes look better — and another one of us would slam it back with an explanation of why this idea was horrible and potentially lethal.

It got so bad, we began to sarcastically disparage every suggestion like: “You’re going for a walk on the beach? Beaches are toxic, if you don’t come back I get dibs on your stuff.” “You want appetizers before the main course? Be careful, I hear appetizers are linked to rickets.” “Champagne are you sure? Drinking champagne will totally make your arms to fall off.”

I know, you’re jealous, as we sound like a bunch of fun loving, young, hip mamas grabbing life by the horns. Duh, YOLO, right?  The warnings below are real, just don’t quote me on the effects.

Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being conscientious and it will also give you smallpox… Continue reading →

20 Momisms Translated – What We REALLY Mean

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momism 287

Recently I wrote a post for my column at TheStir about common Momisms and how they can get you into big trouble. You know Momisms, those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity, or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we’re trying to go with it? Since that column seemed to resonate, I thought I’d add a handy decoder to translate what we say –> what we MEAN.

Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it’ll ruin it for the rest of us!

Maybe –> Probably not

We’ll see –> NEVER

Let’s play the quiet game. –> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.

I love the outfit you put together. –> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.

Where did you hear that? –> Your information is completely false.

One day you’ll thank me. –> Hopefully, you’ll forget this ever happened. Continue reading →