Tag Archives: Jenny from the blog

First Child vs Second Child – 10 Things Parents Do Differently

1st Child vs 2nd Child: 10 Ways Things Are Different #humor #parenting #funny #list #siblingsWhen I had my first child, I wanted to do everything by the book. I was so nervous that the tiniest misstep would somehow break the baby. In fact, one of my first pieces was about how shocked I was that they just let me leave the hospital with this infant.

What were they thinking?

I had no clue what to do with him. In fact, the only requirements were that I show them my car seat and make the obligatory poop, which I later found out wasn’t even TRULY obligatory. (I had to do more to get a library card! Not that my library asked me to poop before giving me a card because that would be suspect… though I did anyway — for good measure). Anyhoo…

I was determined to rise to the challenge — All toys were sanitized before they came within 10ft of my child. People were sanitized too, they were also grilled as to when they were last sick, if they knew proper baby handling techniques, the date of their last TB test and if they were taking any meds that would prohibit them from operating heavy machinery (well, if that can’t drive a crane, they certainly can’t hold my baby).

Then came child number two, and I raced to get her home … it’s amazing how much changes between your first and second. You can blame it on the lack of time needed to be as anal, ahem, meticulous as you were with the first, or maybe it’s simply a gain in experience and confidence, but the differences are undeniable. Do any of these first child vs second child differences sound a wee bit familiar…

1) First Child: “Oh, no First dropped a teething toy/pacifier. I need to go home and sterilize that puppy even if First cries the whole way back… it’s too unsanitary.

Second Child: “Look Second dropped her teething toy/pacifier. Is there any hair on it? No? Good.” *huffs on with mouth, wipes on pant leg and gives back to child*

2) First Child: Is only allowed to watch super educational videos (so we thought) like Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby – and you watch with First and follow along with a pointer while clapping and humming, like they demonstrate in the videos.

Second Child: Whatever First is watching should be fine. “Oh, it’s Annoying Orange? OK, then I’m sure there’s some value in that. Fruit is really healthy.” Then you smartly excuse yourself from the room as this may be your only free time all day and the last thing you want to do with it is watch some ear screeching orange do things your child will imitate for the rest of the year.

3) First Child: “I can’t use these wipes straight from the bag. They’ll need to sit in the wipe warmer to reach the optimal temperature for First’s precious bottom.”

Second Child: “I can’t use these wipes from the wipe warmer. Then Second will scream when we use cold ones … We should throw that addictive thing away before Second knows its powers.”

4. First Child: “I will breastfeed until that kid gets teeth, and on a perfect schedule in the comfort of my home while I rock in our glider to the tunes of Raffi.”

Second Child: “This cafe looks like a great place to whip out my bosom, to the tune of people dining and gawking … well screw them, do they not have the National Geographic Channel?”

5) First Child: You’re signed up for Mommy and Me and Kinder Music and Gymboree and Baby Sign Language and Baby Massage and Youthful Yoga because they are all stimulating and wonderful for their mental and physical growth.

Second Child: You’re not wasting your money on most of that stuff, the park is awesome!

6) First Child: You keep an awesome baby book with every detail of First’s days.  What else do you have to do but marvel at your creation and log First’s every milestone and experience?

Second Child: You pick that book up every 6 months and try to mentally back track. “Crap, when did you start walking? Rolling? Eating solid food?” Sadly, your memory is shot and that first year is mostly a blur, so you write in rough estimates. “Second took first steps somewhere between 8 and 14 months. It was amazing, I think.”

7) First Child: (While staring at every blip on the baby monitor) “Oh G-d First’s been crying for 2 minutes straight!!!! I can’t Ferberize this baby, it’s cruel and horrible, I must go to First.

SecondChild: “Oh is that crying? I had the monitor off — Real Housewives Reunion is on.”

8) First Child: Having first child’s swing/exersaucer/play-mat is just adorable mixed in with our adult furniture.

Second Child: All of our adult furniture is hard to find, mixed in with all the exersaucers/swings/bouncers/toys/dolls and play-mats.

9) First Child: “You’d like to babysit my precious little darling? Well, I’ll need to do an interview get 5 references and do a lengthy background check. Leave me your SSN and resume.”

Second Child: “You want to babysit my adorable yet rambunctious kids and you’re free Saturdays? Do you have references? Great, no need to give me their numbers, I’m sure they’d say nice things.”

10) First Child:  You think you can never ever love anything as much as this little being. Part of you feels bad for the second child before he or she arrives.

Second Child: You realize you can actually love more than one person so deeply and you’re in awe of how true that statement is.

Do ya feel me???

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Anti Aging Smoothie Recipes That Will Make it Easier to Lie About Your Age

Green vegetable smoothie juice - woman drinking

That was me like, 5 minutes ago. I know, crazy right?

OK, in case I haven’t mentioned it, which I’m pretty sure I have, I’m obsessed with blended health drinks. I have the NutriBullet, but when I said I was obsessed with my Bullet people got the idea that I was referring to something I carried in my purse that may or may not embarrassingly start buzzing at an inopportune moment. Of course when I added the Ninja, it just sounded like I’d graduated to BDSM.

So, I will never refer to a blender/juicer by name again, unless I get a masticating juicer (that’s just fun to say). Anyhoo, now that I’m have the anti-aging (A Gen Xers Guide To Looking Young So When You Lie About Your Age People Believe You) column for SmartBeautyGuide.com, I decided to make some smoothies that are aimed at healthy younger looking skin, weight and the aging process specifically … if I can get younger through a glass, I’m all for heavy drinking. Wait, that didn’t come out right either (so far in this piece I’ve come off like a perverted alcoholic … oh, well).

Here are 3 of my favorite anti aging smoothie recipes, and I even made a chart so you can make your own smoothies based on the foods you like and what each food is good for (beauty and anti-aging wise.) I know, that was awesome of me because you can’t find a chart like this ANYWHERE (I TRIED).

You’re Welcome.

Here are some I put together and love (Look at number 5 on my tips post to see how to make a smoothie without measuring – so much easier).
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Gen Xers Knew How to Play Sick But Our Kids Don’t – So Here’s a Guide For Them To Stop Embarrassing Themselves

Children These Days Have No Clue How to Properly Play Sick - I'm AshamedLet’s be honest, we Gen Xers were skilled at playing sick, were we not? Our generation had to work hard for a sick day. Many of our parents worked and would have to take a sick day themselves, and let’s not forget, our parents were raised by hard core parents (our grandparents), who sent them to school no matter what. Hello, their parents were the one’s who walked five miles to get to school, up hill, in snow … so a sniffle or the plague wasn’t gonna cut it.

That’s what we had to contend with. Which is why, we learned early on that we had to be Ferris Bueller convincing or we were going to school (heck on occasion we weren’t convincing enough, even when we actually were sick!).

Yes, we truly perfected an art form and nowadays it seems our kids are merely phoning it in. Complaining about random aches, not committing to their performance, it’s embarrassing! Which is why I give their generation this:

8 Tips To Properly Play Sick – How to gain your parent’s sympathy and maybe even regain their respect: Continue reading

12 Ways Saturday Night is Different After Children – Then vs Now

Saturday Night Before Kids vs AfterWhile my washer and dryer were hard at work and my dishes were in the final rinse cycle, the ball dropped to ring in the New Year.

I had just called my kids in to watch the countdown while simultaneously thanking my lucky stars that J and Ry had missed the pre-New Year’s performance Miley gave, where she awkwardly cradled/fondled a midget, while she donned a pair of upper-vagina-accentuating gold sequin pants that did her bod no justice and oddly reminded me of what Molly Shannon would wear when she kicked and yelled, “I’m fifty,”

After wiping the sweat off my brow, emptying my glass of champagne, and making a mental note to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I blew my hubby (who was sick and spent the night matching me shot for shot with a bottle of Nyquil) a kiss and then shooed our guests out the door before the clock hit 12:01.  (PS I just realized I should have saved the parenthetical in the middle of  ”blew my hubby a kiss” until after I completed the sentence. Poor guy — only gets it in a grammatical error.)

Anyhoo, it dawned on me, New Years used to be a romantic night (see When Harry Met Sally) … so did Birthdays, Anniversaries … Saturdays. Some of those events still are, but most of those would-be enchanted evenings have been replaced with J’s travel baseball, taking Ry to the movies, and trips to an arcade and a gourmet burger joint.

I recently analyzed the not so subtle differences in what I found hot before marriage and after marriage and now it’s time to take a good hard look at the evolution of the date night. Then vs Now:
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10 Reasons I Can’t Be The PERFECT Mother

Reasons I cant be the PERFECT momAs the holidays and New Years roll around, I’m reminded of how insanely crafty and on the ball some moms can be.  They make peppermint bark and post things on Pinterest that look professionally done. They make perfectly decorated cookies and design splendorous holiday scenes and dioramas. Really? a diorama???

Look, I have my moments, but I’m speaking of a specific mom we all know, the “PERFECT Mother.” She’s president of the PTA, she plans all the fundraisers.  She bakes homemade goodies from scratch for bake sales. She has a position on every board. She recommends who should be room mom to all the teachers and you can pretty much call her for any bit of information. I like to joke that if you need anything changed, explained, or rerouted, you could call her and it would get done with meticulous speed and accuracy.

“Could you tell me how the Facebook algorithms work?” “How many reformers will they have at the new Pilates studio?” “Will I have to take a connecting flight on my trip to Utah?”

I also like to imagine that she walks around with a Tide Stain Stick, righting the wrongs of the slovenly.

As much as I would like to be involved in every facet of my child’s life, and on top of every box top collected or Fun Run ran, I will never ever be that chick and there are a multitude of reasons why. Here are a few: Continue reading

22 Little Things My Husband Does That Annoy The Crap Out of Me

annoying things about husband 2 ecardFor better or worse … that’s what we agreed to, right? Who new when we signed up for this by saying “I do,” that our mates would become so annoying?

Sure, we love them, but let’s face it, when you live with someone day in day out for what feels like an eternity, the little quirks that were once endearing, or at least easy to ignore, can become somewhat irritating, exasperating, irksome, maddening, and grating. Have I said too much?

Last week, my husband — who has pretty much no idea how to use most of the items in our home or where we keep them for that matter — screamed from the kitchen (after having a tooth extracted), “Hey honey, where do we keep the saltwater, or do we not have any in the house?” I was tempted to send him to the store to futilely search for a bottle o’ saltwater simply to avoid dealing with the ridiculousness of that question, plus I needed time to think of reasons I love him.

Instead, I made you this list of annoying things husbands do (well, mine at least), for the purpose of female bonding and personal sanity… Continue reading

6 Awesome Non-Surgical Options to Get Rid of Stubborn Fat (Available Now and Coming Soon)

body contouring blog postEveryone loves to tell you how to get rid of stubborn fat, like it’s so easy. “Put down the donut.” “Go to the gym.” “Be less stressed.” “Drink 30 gallons of water each day.” “Get 23 hours of sleep.” “Cut out carbs.” “Do cardio all day, everyday.”

There, now you have everything you need to get thin and svelte. You’re welcome.

So, what are you waiting for? Have you lost any of that fat yet? No? How about now? Still no? Sheesh, you’re lazy!

Oh, you have a life and you’re busy? What, you work? You have kids and they have busy lives too? You’ve tried all that stuff and realized that after having babies and dealing with the Earth’s gravitational pull for so many years; there are certain areas or pockets of fat that no amount of sit-ups, juice fasts, miracle creams, or vitamins can fix?

Why didn’t you say so? Because we’re not having an actual conversation, you say? Got it, I also get that these areas you speak of (well, I’m speaking of) contain the kind of bulge that doesn’t like to budge. So, what’s a gal to do? (I imagine you asking.)

Well, I researched like a maniac for column at SmartBeauty, and holy crap, there are a ton of options and they seem to be getting better by the minute. They’re already using fat dissolving injections and I’m pretty sure, at this rate, we’ll be able to eat a fat dissolving candy bar within the next decade, maybe within the hour (I should try a candy bar and see if it works).

Here are the best FDA-Approved options currently available from Cool Sculpt, to ultrasound, to radio frequency to new injections.

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