“.. He’s kept us company until all hours of the night. He’s been a part of our dreams, our fantasies and ultimately he’s set the standard for our poor hubby’s, unattainably high…”
Last Saturday night, on our weekly date, my husband (who is not the man in the pic on your left) pulled into a parking spot and walked around to my side of the car, (as it was on the way to the restaurant). I sat in my seat, not budging. He looked at me through the window about a foot from the door and said, “Whatcha’ waiting for, c’mon let’s go.”
Of course, I was waiting for him to open said door, but he actually yelled through it – with exaggerated mime like hand motions instead. I pulled the handle and exited with a huff.
“Why can’t you be more like Christian Grey?” I said, in the same way my daughter says things like, “Why can’t you be more like Jessie’s mom? She keeps ice cream cones in her house,” or “Why can’t we live with Julia’s? Her family has stairs.”
Yep, after having failed the many Grey tests I’d administered the last couple weeks, much to my hubby’s chagrin, Continue reading
Love Words with Friends? If more than half of these describe YOU, I’ll see you in WWFAA or we could just play a game, my schedule’s too tight for a twelve step program these days (TWELVE min- 14pts.).
Ok, I’ve played my fair share of Angry Birds, and Fruit Ninja, and Cut the Rope, but there’s something unique about Words with Friends, that has me utterly fixated. (FIXATED minimum 18 points) Maybe it’s the fact that I get to whup other people and feel superior. (WHUP min- 13pts.) I don’t exactly know. I do know that I’m not alone, 20 million players have downloaded this addictive app. (ADDICTIVE min- 18pts.)
I mean, I’m not an addict – Frankly, I could quit at anytime. Though, I’m told that’s the first thing an addict says. Well, right after, “I’m not an addict.” S&*t, I’m screwed. (SCREWED min- 14pts.)
In an effort to see if I’m truly hooked, I compiled a list of indicators. Feel free to test your level of obsession, as well. (HOOKED min- 13pts.)
1. You know every two letter word in the WWF dictionary AA, JO, ZA, KA, QI etc… (QI min 11pts.)
2. You know every word that can be made with the letters J, Q, X, Z, from AJEE to ZYGOTE… (ZYGOTE min- 19pts.)
3. You realize it’s sometimes worth it to leave open a triple when you can get a high score on a double-double. (HIGH min- 10pts.)
4. Number 3. didn’t sound like gibberish to you. (GIBBERISH min- 17pts.)
5. You know that to win you need strategy and persistence. A good vocabulary is near the bottom of the prerequisites. And you’re ok with that, because you’re a persistent strategist. OK (OK is not a word. Didn’t see that one coming did you?)
6. You can only use about 50% of the words you play in an actual sentence. “Gi, your hair smells terrific.” (GI min- 4pts)
7. You’re willing to try every letter combo in your stack to make a bingo. (BINGO min- 11pts.)
That’s the question I was faced with the other night… and after a decade of marriage, I chose to clean my oven. (Sadly, that’s not a metaphor.)
Recently, I went to a sex party, which one of my friends was co-hosting. Upon entering, I was quickly introduced to the “Sexpert.”
“Jenny this is Julie, she is a penis expert.” No joke, that’s how she was introduced. This made me wonder: why people don’t introduce me as something cooler?
“That’s funny. I’m somewhat of a penis expert myself,” I said, buffing my nails on my shirt as if cleaning an apple. Then I blathered something about not being a pro like her, because I didn’t want to jeopardize my amateur status. You know, for the Olympics? Jenny what the hell are you talking about? Did you just mention the Olympics? The Olympics of what – hand-jobs? Just shut up, already.
Sometimes when I’m uncomfortable I use exaggerated humor to fill conversational gaps. Did I say use? I meant abuse, like in the form of an oddly misplaced stand-up routine, which can become painful to watch and often requires more than a two drink minimum.
“Oh, what do you do?” she asked, not knowing what to make of my schtick. “Are you a urologist or something?”
“No, I’m just a slut.“
Really, Jenny? Did you just say that? What’s the matter with you?
“I’m not really a slut, I’ve just… Continue reading
“…ANASTASIA: Mr Grey, is that a Barbie up my butt? Christian: Oops, wrong playroom… and other things you might hear in Christian Grey’s household after a few years of marriage and a couple of children…” (For any mom who’s read any or all of the series. And I promise, No spoilers!)
Okay, I’m officially on the bandwagon. You moms with all of your oohing and ahhhing, and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.” Your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium, and your, “My laundry and dishes are piling up because I can’t put these books down,” have gotten me to read the Fifty Shades series.
So, what is it about these books that have moms devouring them like left over fries on their child’s plate?
Well, here’s what I’ve come up with so far: It makes me giggle when someone calls their vagina their “sex.” I find the sound of ripping foil oddly erotic. And Christian has made millions of women across the world, myself included, rethink our marraiges, and wonder why our hubbies can’t be more attentive, loving, obsessed, and well, “Christian-esque.”
So, what’s the deal? Why can’t our hubby’s be more like Christian Grey?
Because like “Twilight’s” Edward Cullen (who the character is based on) – hot young vampires and hot young billionaires that barely work, have erotic sex, lavish you with expensive goodies, and make sure you’re never cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds – don’t exist.
But if they did, would we want them? I wonder what it’d with a Christian Grey-esque man after a few years of marriage and a couple of children?
Hmmm? (Imagine squiggly lines in your mind, to indicate a dream sequence):
CHRISTIAN: Ohh, Mrs. Grey, stop biting that lower lip or I’ll take you here in the breakfast nook!
ANASTASIA: Um, Mr. Grey, it would behoove you to wait until the children are done with their Cheerios. It might be a bit awkward and messy with them around. Plus, you’re starting to creep me out.
CHRISTIAN: Oh, don’t worry about the mess, Mrs. Grey., Ms. Jones will tend to it.
ANASTASIA: Which reminds me, Mr. Grey, please ask Ms. Jones to stop sterilizing the butt plugs with the bottle nipples.
CHRISTIAN: Oh Anastasia, Continue reading
“I’m gonna count you out!!! When I’m done with you, you’ll be 1/3rd the boy you are today… That’s 33.3%… .33333… .333 infinity…” and other trash talkin’ you may hear at a Mathletes Meet…
What kid doesn’t like to trash talk – especially boys? It must be in the genes because I definitely don’t walk around the house saying stuff to my son like: “I’m so much better at brushing my teeth then you are.” (Even though I totally am.)
What? Please, he’s had like 6 cavities and I’ve had 2 and I’m tons older. My oral hygiene seriously crushes his!
Fine, so maybe it’s not so surprising that they trash talk, but I want to know if it carries over into all facets of life?
My son plays on a travel baseball team and one of his teammates is also a Mathlete. Yes, I said Mathlete, it’s a word.
So, during a double header, where our team chanted really cool stuff at the mound in unison like, “A meeting, a meeting, there must be cheating.” I turned to that friend and asked if there’s trash talking on the Mathletes playing field – because that would be really funny.
And so me and my favorite “humor catalyst” (See: What Happens When You Scream “Penis” in Front of a Bunch of 9 Year Olds – for an explanation and a full on giggle fit) began to imagine what that trash talk would sound like:
Amy: Yeah, he totally trash talks. He says stuff like, I’m gonna count you out!!!
Me: Oh, and, when I’m done with you, you’ll be 1/3rd the boy you are today….
Amy: .333 infinity
Me: You’ll be a freaking decimal when this is over.
Amy: Continue reading