Ok, maybe I’m the unpopular voice on this one — when everyone seems all exited to cozy up around the flat screen and eat things that are fried, out of oversized bowls, buttttt, I freakin’ hate football season… Continue reading
Yes, the number is 6. Shit I kinda ruined the suspense on that one, huh? I shoulda’ made you wait until the end. Yes, it was premature elucidation, which is fairly common when talking vibrators.
More importantly, you should be wondering, How did you calculate this number and what does one do with so many vibrators?
I was wondering the same thing. See… Continue reading
I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time with the rough-housing and horseplay that comes along with having a son. Okay, those are totally 50’s terms, yet I can’t think of a better way to say it.
Girls definitely give us moms a huge mental workout. Mine came into this world with an attitude; my closest friend swears she gave her the evil eye on day one. Those little lasses are often cranky and snippy. They can get catty, jealous and yes, they even fight over boys before they’re out of Pull-Ups.
But boys are a different breed. Sometimes they can be so mushy and sensitive, like little Prince Charmings, and other times they’re more like Neanderthals. While my little girl is busily primping in her room, trying on outfit number seven, and attempting to apply eye shadow, my son is out front flying across the yard with reckless abandon, as he tackles a neighbor’s son in a “friendly” game of “touch” football.
My neighbor, who has two sons and a brother, looks on half-heartedly as she files a chipped nail. I, on the other hand, am on the edge of my seat, well, my patch of grass, ready to hurl myself onto the makeshift field at the first sign of injury. Was that a wince? Was that a double- blink? A groan? A sigh? I’m on it, like a ski patrolman on a toboggan.
How can “neighbor mom” be so calm? Does she not realize that this is bound to end when somebody gets hurt? Could an eye not be poked out here? Continue reading
Any mom who gets that “featured student” backpack sent home, with a stuffed animal and journal instructions, knows why this “honor” is better left to somebody else’s kid.
Last week, my son was the featured student in his class. Oh, don’t get all congratulatory; I’m pretty sure his teacher picks the names out of a hat. On top of this, my son wasn’t even happy to be featured student, and frankly, I understand why.
One of the perks of being “featured student,” is that both student and mother get extra “homework” each night, so that the class can learn more about said student. Let’s not forget the obligatory schlepping around and journaling of a stuffed animal. Sure, watching my kids carry around Clifford in nursery school was cute… well, minus the barrage of snot and germs each of the other kids left on him before it was our turn, but carrying a stuffed dog around in the 3rd grade could ruin a kid’s rep.
Day 1: Took a picture of my son pretending to play basketball with a stuffed dog, which he was actually using as the ball. Who could blame him, a 5th grader was watching. That evening I was required to write an essay about why I love my son, and what’s special about him. (yet another writing assignment that I’m being underpaid for).
Let’s face it, writing about your kid for the whole class to hear is cheesy and prohibits you from saying what you’d really like to say.
Hello, parameters people.
Clearly I didn’t want to embarrass my son in front of his friends. Hence, a sentence such as, “I love it each night when you beg me to come lie with you, and we giggle as I give you a kiss attack,” though true, isn’t advisable. Also unacceptable: “You’re the best at insert sport, smartest at insert subject, and easily the cutest kid in your class, even better looking than insert name. Yep – extremes, though you’re certain are true, are totally frowned upon.
Day 2: Took a picture of my son pretending to feed cereal to his stuffed dog, and ended up wiping spilled milk from both parties’ faces (secretly prayed that dog didn’t reek of rancid dairy by recess). We also had to find pictures for him to bring in which showed the major occurrences in his life from birth to date. I printed a bunch from an SD card and wrote Disney with varying years on them. (No one will be the wiser)
Day 3: Took pic of stuffed dog, among all my son’s other stuffed animals. It was meant to be ironic, like in E.T., except it wasn’t because the stuffed dog is in fact also stuffed.
Also, pulled stuff together for “collection” day. When my son asked what the heck he collects, I said, “Bring in the last 5 books I bought you, and tell them you collect dust.” Ba da bum. In reality, I handed him a bunch of pennies and said, “Tell the class each is from a different year.” What, like someone’s gonna check?
Day 4: Took a portrait with stuffed dog as if he was part of the family. (That picture turned out good. Note to self: photo-shop real family cat in later.)
Also, brought in a special lunch for the featured student. After allotting an hour to get the stuff together, including cupcakes for the class, (a precedent some mom started 10 featured students ago,) I was ready to enjoy a meal with my kiddo. I arrived to find that it happened to be “Lunch and a Movie Day.” Yep, the kids were watching the “Cat in the Hat” on a huge screen at the front of the lunch room. What the hell am I paying for at this school? Oh right, I don’t pay… figures.
We didn’t get movies at school; we got some hostess pies, a roll that was seran wrapped with a pat of butter on top and a “full fat” chocolate milk, and a bunch of other deliciously fattening junk, that’s what we got.
“You guys are so lucky,” I said to my son and his friends. A few of his friends responded. My kid, who recently told me not being able to do more than one thing at a time was his downfall, was captivated by Mike Myer’s portrayal of Cat and barely nodded in my direction. Correction, that wasn’t a nod, he was tilting his head to see around my head, as I was blocking his view… silly me.
I then conversed with a few of his friends about how my day was going and what they had learned thus far, but a woman screeched onto a mic and interrupted, “If you can hear me clap 2 times.” We all clapped like cattle, ok, cows don’t clap, but you know what I meant…
The woman continued, “Now, let’s use our movie manners! We are not here to socialize so let’s not talk to our friends and let’s just eat and enjoy our movie.”
Really, they’re not at lunch to socialize? They get like a 15 min recess and now they can’t talk during their 20 min lunch? – Which, didn’t even get them to the introduction of Thing 1… or Thing 2, for that matter. (Leave it to a school to ruin movie lunch.)
Day 5: We returned stuffed dog and I breathed a sigh of relief. “I get a year’s reprieve from this awesome task.” Maybe in 4th grade the boys can bring home something a little more masculine, like a sword… or a condom. Well, that was just silly, a condom would look ridiculous sitting next to grandma in a family portrait. Of course we could always photoshop in a pet snake or this guy:
What is the worst thing the school has your child do?
One last question for a segment I’m doing on CBS: How do men mess up on Mother’s day?
This week in Jenny’s Momtourage Column, Jenny from the Blog asks: Why do I find it so hard to say “no” to my children when they clearly have no problem saying it to me? She also gives 5 tips to help any parent stand their ground. Good Luck! READ MORE
Do French Moms Have It Better Than We Do?
French moms may say, “Viva la France,” but would we actually want to live in France? French women are notorious for being fit and fabulous regardless of diet and lifestyle. And according to a recent New York Times article, that includes new mothers — but these moms don’t do it on their own.
Not that long ago, helicopter parenting was all the rage; whether you hovered over your own kids or moaned about others doing so, the tendency definitely garnered some attention. It seems the newest parenting trend to receive national attention is about a lack of attention…“Not now, Mommy’s on the phone.” “In a minute, Mommy’s has to just send this quick email.” “One sec, Mommy’s working.” “Hey kids, how about we watch Big Brother… American Idol…Jersey Shore… insert somewhat inappropriate reality show here_________, together?” . Read the iVillage article here.
Dont’ for get to read yesterday’s epiphany: Ashton Kutcher has dashed all my hopes of becoming a cougar
As if helicopter parenting weren’t enough, now we can closely monitor what our kids eat at school. Yup, school districts across the country have signed on to use a new technology, which tracks what a child purchases in the school cafeteria. The Lunch Prepay program allows parents to view their child’s 45-day purchase history 24/7. Read More at iVillage
Warning to all parents, the web character Fred Figglehorn is getting his own movie — Fred:The Movie — which will air on Nickelodeon Sept. 17th. You may be asking yourself, “Who is this Fred, and why am I being warned of his impending flick?” Fred, a character developed and portrayed by teen Lucas Cruikshank, may be one of the most annoying personas ever created.Read More
Baby Bong Facebook Photo Lands Mom in Jail
Tori Spelling has been tweeting about her 2-year-old daughter Stella’s upsetting separation anxiety during her first days of preschool. Recently Tori wrote, “I said to Stella ‘you get to go to school today & play and see your friends’ & she smiled & said ‘And you’re gonna leave me.’ My heart broke!” Ugh, what mom doesn’t know that feeling?