Tag Archives: humor

I May Have Run Over an Elderly Gentleman While Driving Carpool… Oops

This picture imlies that he was washing my car.  He in fact, was not, but I couldn't find a better picture of an elderly man near a car... MAKE DO.

This picture implies that he was washing my car. He in fact, was not, but I couldn’t find a better picture of an elderly man near a car… MAKE DO.

See how polite I’m being?  Calling him an elderly gentleman and not an old curmudgeon?  No, that would be rude and I am not rude.  Well, unless you consider running a poor old curmudgeon over with your car “rude.”  Then yes, I may be rude, but I have an excellent vocabulary and that has to count for something.

Well Judge, my infraction was merely that.  I was exceeding the limit by a minuscule measurement as my true intention was to get the minors in my vehicle to an establishment of learning to imbue their gray matter with knowledge.

My lady, (This is a Parliamentary court in the 1700s, obviously.) your grasp of the English language is truly inspirational.  Clearly, a logophile such as yourself could do no harm to our language, let alone an old curmudgeon.  NOT GUILTY!

(BTW:  A logophile is a lover of words and vocabulary, which I wouldn’t have to define for you if you were one.)

Moving on.  My neighborhood is fill with inconsiderate speeders during morning carpool.  Especially the first couple weeks!  Most of my neighbors have kids in elementary school and being that our development is exactly .1 miles short of the school bus cutoff; we’re all trying to get to the same place at the same time (anything shy of LATE).

The fact that this elderly gentleman was in this neighborhood in the first place leads me to believe that he wandered in from somewhere with a minimum age.  Regardless – as the busy moms sped around beeping from door to door, it was I that mowed this man down.  I must have been going at least 30MPH, which is fast in an area that has a sign. I don’t know if they’re just not quick or there’s something wrong, but there are enough of them to require a sign.

 

slow children at play sign 2

Frankly, someone should try and speed these kids up.  Maybe if they got rid of the knickers and padding reminiscent of a 1908 football game and gave out some bikes.  The sign could simply read:children at play(Let’s be honest, these tykes don’t look so speedy either.  Nor do they seem to have the latest in outdoor play equipment.  Razor anyone?)

But I digress.  The elderly gentleman in my story was not walking on the sidewalk, but on the street and going against traffic, no less.  He held up his arm in what I took to be a friendly hello.  I waved back, pretending to recognize him, as I do with all my neighbors.  Plus, he was pretty darn old, so maybe he thought he knew me. When I was about to pass him, he flung himself to the sidewalk as if narrowly escaping a careening boxcar.  I guess that wave was really the international, “Slow Down Crazy Lady” sign. 

Oops, I didn’t recognize it without the shaking of a cane, though he did seem a bit melodramatic.

old man yells at cloudI guess the main question is:  Did he pitch himself to the curb or did I send him hurling to the sidewalk?  I didn’t hear a thud; that’s always a good sign.  Though it’s hard to hear much over the din of 6 elementary schoolers trying to one up each other.

Kid 1: I have PE today.

Kid 2: Yeah, well I had it yesterday and 2 kids in my class got lice from sharing bike helmets.

Kid 3: Yeah, well 4 kids in my class got lice and I sit next to one of them… who also has braces.

Kid 4: I’m getting braces.

All other kids: Lucky!

Kid 5: Yeah, well I have glasses.

All other kids: No fair!

Kid 6: Well, I may have scoliosis!

All other kids: Why can’t we have scoliosis?! (creepily said in unison)

Me: Hey, could someone look under the car for an old man?

Me Answering Myself: Huh?  (I tend to answer myself in carpool, as no one pays attention to the driver.)

Still Me: Forget it.

Did I hit that elderly gentleman out for a morning walk?  I can’t say for sure. I didn’t see any wrinkly parts in my chassis. 

Wow, there’s a sentence that could be taken out of context!

Did I mean to run him over?  Certainly not.

Do I think he was being melodramatic?  A little bit.

Am I spraying out my car for lice?  Without question.

(PS no elderly people were harmed in the writing of this blog… I can’t say as much for lice)

xo

-Jenny From the Blog

The Best or Worst Ideas For Your Letters to Camp – Not Sure Which

tumbleweedDear Readers (Day 19 – 24 at Camp Lenox),

As we all know, the best ideas are generated during periods of total and utter boredom. Also, in the shower but there’s never anything to write with so, I imagine lots of great inventions are washed down the drain. Like time machines and renewable toxic waste…

Well, this is one of those brilliant ideas that I dreamed up and had the good fortune to get on paper. PHEW.

BTW, someone needs to invent a pad and pen that you can write with in the shower…

With the advent of camp emails and bunk notesit’s never been easier to keep in constant contact with your camper. Unfortunately, it’s you contacting them and not so much them contacting you. I should know, spending this summer at camp, I realize that my own great intentions to write letters were squashed by one of my other great intentions —  to enjoy camp. Yes, speaking in your camper’s defense, camp is tiring and non-stop, and like being on a constant roller coaster — the last thing anyone wants to do is screech all that fun/energy to a halt to write an update. Also, so much happens in a day that when anyone does sit down to write it’s almost daunting to try to recap, hence the one liners: “Camp is fun.”  

That said, I get the plight of the parent as well. Unless you’re rock climbing, getting up on water skis for the first time, tipping canoes, having bonfires, talent shows or raucous games of Name That Tune around the house, the whole we write you and get nothing in return is an oxymoronic phenomenon. Continue reading

iCan Not iStand the Apple Store

iCan't iStand The iApple Store - We Have a Love Hate Relationshipi Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)

Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store.  Oh, the Apple store.  It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults.  Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing.  There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor.  Continue reading

Gen Xers – You Probably Went to Camp If …

You Probably Went to Camp in The 80s If... (Nostalgia, Remember When, Generation X, 1980s, Sleepaway Camp)

Every summer, many of my Gen X cohorts and I, were carted off to sleepaway camps across the country. We packed our trunks, made sure we had as many flip up collar polo style shirts as possible and headed off for 2-8wks of re-wording pop songs, crushing on counselors with British accents, and dressing up as Madonna and Michael Jackson . This summer I’m going to back to camp, with my kids.

Let me restate that so that you can process it… My kids are going to Camp Lenox in Massachusetts and I’m freakin’ following them — because something is so very wrong with me… and so I can write about the camp experience from a mom’s POV (while I slowly go insane).

Sooo, while thinking about how I’ll survive camp the 2nd time around (as an adult who likes morning lattes and pillow top beds with box springs… and roads), I started to reminisce about what it was like the first time around.

Here it is: Hey Gen Xer, you were probably a camper if…

1.  If you can finish most of these songs:  Shave and a haircut… Everywhere we go-oh people wanna know-oh… John Jacob Jingle… Hello Muddah hello…

2.  If you understand the utter and complete joy of receiving a care package. I mean, equal to winning the lottery kinda joy. And hoped for booty like: Easy Cheese, Pop Rocks, Ring Pops, Dweebs (Nerd’s cousins), Whistle Pops, Wax Bottles, Dots… and the motherload – dry packets of Kool Aid, Jello or Fun Dip.

3. If you went to bed freaked out by some guy named Cropsy or whoever haunted cabin 13 or something that lives in the lake and steals little kids … which a grown up told you about around a campfire (with the sole purpose of scaring the crap out of you).

4.  If you understand that having Canteen Credit is the equivalent of having cigarettes in prison.

5. If you know the other meaning of canteen and you had an actual one. Not some BPA free suction release Camelback, I mean a hard rounded metal container with a cap and a strap.

6.  If shaving your legs was a group activity. I’m talkin’ on the  steps or porch of your bunk with a bucket of cold water (it didn’t stay hot long) a can of shaving cream and 4 or 5 other girls you shared said bucket with *gags* (maybe this is also true for women’s prison – haven’t been there yet, so I can’t say).

7.  If most of your summer jewelry was made of gimp or lanyard.

8. If you blew out fuses every Saturday night before socials drying your hair with your Conair Yellow Bird, your trusty diffuser for your perm or using your awesome Windmere crimping iron that only singed  your hair a tiny bit, so it was worth it.

9. If you can’t recall the smell of the singed hair but would recognize the aroma of your go to hair spray (feather finisher, perm scruncher or bang freezer) ie. Aussie Sprunch Spray, Paul Mitchell Freeze & Shine or Sebastian Spritz Forte’ or  good ol’ Aqua-Net.

10.  If dizzy izzies, suck and blow, the Pepsi challenge, jacks tournaments, an obstacle course, and a rope burn, were a given every summer.

11.  If you have a clear understanding of the 4 food groups: cereal, Popsicles, bug juice, and S’mores.

12. If you ever watched underwear run up a flagpole and prayed they weren’t yours.

13. If you know the tune and words to Reveille and Taps, yet you were never in the service.

14. If to this day the song, Leaving On a Jet Plane makes you cry.

15.  If you were initiated into some cult like group around a fire with chanting and maybe Indian terms or fake names …  and you were not at Waco.

16.  If people asked what you wanted to be when you grew up and you didn’t say President, you said, “color war captain.”

17.  If your mom had tons of those tiny woven pot holders that were too small (and frankly to holey) to ever actually hold a pot.

18.  If you tried to never touch the bottom of the lake because you were pretty certain there were things down there that could eat you. The bonfire stories and your recent Jaws viewing did not help.

19.  If you traveled with a hard-sided trunk that could fit a body. And you knew this because you had to see if you could fit in it before you let your mom pack your stuff.

20. If said stuff you packed included: flip up collar Izods/polo shirts, pleated shorts, striped rugbys, overalls, denim skirts/shorts that were acid washed, stone washed, or shredded and jeans that had to be pegged and tapered to sit atop your scrunchie EG socks and awesome velcro high-tops.

21.  If picking out stationary to take to camp was an actual event. I’m lookin’ at you Snoopy, Hello Kitty, and Precious Moments …

22.  If all your letters on said awesome stationary ended with K.I.T and they were S.W.A.K. and didn’t involve a single lol, ttyl, or lmao.

23.  If you mastered the 2 minute cold shower with your Kaboodles caddy in tow.

24. If your camp mixes trumped any ‘Best Of’ album and they had at least one from these artists: The Bangles, Depeche Mode, Madonna, Micheal Jackson, Foreigner, James Taylor …

25. If you felt your rendition of Like a Virgin and Madonna’s were identical except for the lion. Also, your version was titled Like a Bass Weejun, worn for the very first time and you were flat chested with braces, but they were close.

26. Finally, if you cried for days upon reentry to society as if you could not function without someone addressing you each morning at a flagpole.

How many of those made you nostalgic? What do you remember most?

Please Share with all your camp friends and read the note below!

I think I may have to back out of this summer gig. I jump when I see a spider… I’m screwed. However, you’re not… you can follow the Mom Goes to Camp Experiment on FACEBOOK

(Also, I need a hashtag like #WhatTheFuckWasIThinkingPleaseRescueMe - wait, that’s too long – how about #JennyFromTheBunk ?)
Here’s hoping I don’t break a wedge heel … or get eaten by a bear.
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Rosetta Stone Mother’s Day Edition – 12 Phrases Your Kids Could Impress You With

Things Someone Should Teach Our Kids to Say on Mother's DayThe best Mother’s Day ever – the gift of laughter… I mean lying, the gift of lying. A child who’s been brainwashed, ahem, slightly nudged into making complimentary statements. It’s the gift that keeps on giving…

Let’s face it, kids are brutally honest. For instance I had no idea my butt was so jiggly until my daughter nicely informed me. (OK fine, I knew, but I didn’t need it pointed out.)

My kids also say lovely stuff like, “Mommy, I’m lucky, you’re way more fun than the other mothers” or “Mommy, I bet when we go out, people think we’re sisters.”

When my little ones say stuff like that, the result is sheer unadulterated joy, which is why I’m inventing Rosetta Stone (Mother’s Day Edition) so that we can all feel that love everyday.  Yep, I’ll be putting a multitude of beautiful sentiments (we wish our children would utter) on cassette, CD, MP3, 8-Track and those odd tiny tapes that came with 80s answering machines … so that our kids (via our mates or parents or anyone else willing to shell out the $499.00 I’m charging) can be brainwashed into showering us with enough kind remarks to last a lifetime, or at least until next Mother’s Day, when we’ll be expecting a new piece of jewelry.

That’s right, in no time your kids will be speaking fluent “Mother” with popular phrases like: “Mommy, I know I can be exhausting … shall I pour you Cab or Chard?” and “Mommy, even though you can’t seem to convert fractions into decimals, I still think you’re smarter than daddy.”

Here are some of the other amazing things your children will be repeating like parrots in no time:

  • Mommy, how come all the other mothers look so old and you look so young? Was I a teen pregnancy?
  • Mommy, can we please run more errands? There’s no bonding time that could surpass the bond of a joint trip to say, Costco, we will bond in bulk.
  • Mommy, I don’t think I want to date until I’m 20, and I want to wear one of those creepy celibacy rings the Jonas brothers wore, because it’s OK to be creepy when you abstain.
  • Mommy, I will love you forever and when I’m married my family will still spend all holidays at your house, heck, we’ll be living next store, so it’ll be a short trip.
  • Mommy, I promise to never ask you to drop me off a block away from my destination and pretend we don’t know each other. You are my bestie and I want the world to know it, that’s why I got you this Best Friends charm (pick your half).
  • Mommy, I think hand sanitizer and sunblock are the most brilliant inventions ever. I shall use them unsparingly.
  • Mommy, you shouldn’t feel guilty about checking your email, updating your Facebook status, tweeting, or playing Words With Friends while only half paying attention to me. Nay nay, I’m in awe of your ability to multitask.
  • Mommy, I’ve learned that you are never wrong, which is why I will listen intently to all your advice and never claim to know better.
  • When I have a tantrum over a candy, toy, pet, random thing that in no way seems like something a child would want … I’m utterly impressed when you don’t give in! (Also, for the times that you do give in, I promise not to tell anyone.)
  • Mommy, I know there are children starving, which is why I am going to eat this broccoli with total love and thankfulness in my heart … and a smile on my face and then I will have seconds.
  • Mommy, I’m done with my book, now I’ll  just go clean my room, run myself a bath, and get along with my brother.
  • (And my favorite suggestion from my awesome Facebook Fans who probably think I’m going to share the wealth from my Rosetta Stone Mother Language Edition, which I’m not):  “Mommy isn’t it amazing that I am never, ever bored?”

Well, help me become a billionaire … Ask someone to buy you my Mother’s Day Edition of Rosetta Stone and feel free to add any phrase you’d like to hear below (for an extra grand I’ll add them to your personal set). I feel the money rolling in… (And be on the lookout for the Mom of a Tween edition where you will actually get “yes” or “no” responses to questions and a trusty Grunt to English guide to decipher all the wonderful things your tween will be whispering under his/her breath!)

GO JOIN THE INSANITY ON  FACEBOOK – AND ALSO PLEASE TAKE A SEC TO SHARE OR LIKE! XO

First Child vs Second Child – 10 Things Parents Do Differently

1st Child vs 2nd Child: 10 Ways Things Are Different #humor #parenting #funny #list #siblingsWhen I had my first child, I wanted to do everything by the book. I was so nervous that the tiniest misstep would somehow break the baby. In fact, one of my first pieces was about how shocked I was that they just let me leave the hospital with this infant.

What were they thinking?

I had no clue what to do with him. In fact, Continue reading

I Love that My Daughter Loves Barbies

That’s my confession. Barbie hasn’t fiendishly ruined my daughter’s self image — quite the opposite — she’s helped her learn to solve problems, to be accepting, to stretch her imagination, and to have compassion.I love that my daughter loves Barbies #barbieproject #humor #sweet #mom #barbie #play

As a card carrying Gen-Xer, I had an obsession with Barbies. I played with them until I was nearly 14, which I try not to admit in public because at that age, your Barbies are basically having make-out sessions that lead to awkward Barbie hookups, which is both ironic and also impossible – hello, has anyone seen Ken’s crotchal region? 

Continue reading