Tag Archives: humor

You Know You’re The Mom of a Girl IF …

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You Know You're the Mom of a Girl IF...

While writing a piece on translating “Momisms” into what we really mean, I realized there are some commonalities among moms of each sex that bond us together. Of course every child is different, but if you’re the mom of a girl, I’m guessing some of these will sound all too familiar.

You Know You’re the Mom of a Girl IF…

1.  You do more pretend cooking in a miniature kitchen than you do actual cooking in the full sized one (and frankly, you’re not sure which tastes better).

2.  You secretly wish there was some mommy competition involving your child’s trendy crafts because you’re a freakin’ whiz on the Rainbow Loom, you make a mean potholder, and you’re not so bad with a spool of gimp ahem, lanyard.

3.  You find yourself searching “How to Do a Fishtail Braid” on YouTube.

4.  You wonder how young is too young to start plucking her eyebrows?

5.  You have the ability to turn a field day/camp tee into an off the shoulder, bedazzled, designer dud in the time it would take a child to throw a “fashion tantrum.”

6.  You understood what I meant when I coined the term “fashion tantrum.”

7.  You find yourself playing with pretty much the same toys you played with when you were little, only the slutted-up versions. (See Polly Pocket, Rainbow Brite, and Strawberrry Shortcake.)

8.  A dance party, song fest, or drawing competition may be impromptu … but it’s never unexpected.

9.  Somehow you always get to be the ugly, ratty Barbie with the hair plugs showing from a haircut gone awry, and the one hand that’s been chewed off by the dog.

10. Your coveted jewelry, handbags, and heels have become someone else’s playthings.

11. You know from Furby and Fijit Friends.

12. There’s a creepy-ass Lalaloopsy doll staring at you with those “Coraline” button eyes that you’re pretty sure comes to life when you sleep.

13. Dealing with a monumental breakdown over the over the tag in a shirt, the seam on the sock, or the color of a pair of undies seems totally normal (see fashion tantrum).

14. You know the one rule about stuffed animals: One Can Never Have Too Many of Them!

15. That chick’s got an at-ti-tude and you know exactly where she got it from, though you won’t admit it.

16. You probably have a sticker or something shimmery stuck to you right now.

17. Your make-believe life is way more exiting than your actual life.

18. Glitter to a girl is like the Windex in My Big Fat Greek Wedding … it cures everything… at the very least it makes it more tolerable.

19. You are willing to accept a severely sub par mani-pedi or 3 (in a row) because your child has set up a salon and you’re the only one dumb enough to show up for your appointment.

20. It looks like the Disney Princesses threw up in your car.

21.  You haven’t heard your actual name the entire day, but you’ve been beckoned relentlessly.

22. You know a female wears the pants in your family (you just didn’t think they’d be a size 3T).

23.  You fear the day she gets her period because it sometimes seem like she has PMS already.

24.  Lying is always an option as in … “I’m sorry, they stopped selling Bratz dolls.” “I love the outfit you put together yourself… stripes and zig-zag look great together.” and “Yes, you do sound like Beyonce when you sing.”

25. You can’t wait until she’s old enough to watch Grease, Xanadu, Clueless, or anything by John Hughes.

26. The term rainbow-unicorn can answer almost any question. How do you want to decorate your room? What’s your favorite color? What do you want to be when you grow up?

27. ANYTHING can be over-dramatized… a trip to Target feels like a Spanish soap opera.

28. There’s a My Little Pony in your purse.

29. You hope to one day share a “Best Friends” charm.

30. You’ve made yourself an amazing companion (attitude and all) that’s redefined the magnitude of love you ever thought you had to give.

PS – I know they’re not all girly girls… If you have a daughter (like mine) who’s got a little tomboy in her too, check out  “You Know You’re the Mom of A Boy IF…”  you’ll be shocked how many ring true, as well.

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BE AWESOMER, TELL MY DAUGHTER TO GIVE ME ONE OF THE CUTE BARBIES SOMETIME 

Related Post: Barbie and I Can’t Get Our Skinny Jeans Over Our Thighs

25 Signs That You Are Definitely a Mom

 

You Know You’re the Mom of a Boy IF …

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You Know You're the Mom of a Boy IF...

While writing a piece on translating “Momisms” into what we really mean, I realized there are some commonalities among moms of each sex that bond us together. Of course every child is different, but if you’re the mom of a boy, I’m guessing some of these will sound (and smell) all too familiar.

You know you’re the mom of a boy if …

  1. You find yourself holding a living creature that you would usually run away from screaming.
  2. A girl makes eyes at your son and you have this weird urge to pull her aside and call her a “slut” (whether she’s 6 or 16).
  3. You have an unhealthy knowledge of the point/gem system for Temple Run, Dragonvale, Bakugan, Plants vs. Zombies, Cube Runner …
  4. You can’t muster the brain power to recall what you ate for breakfast, yet you can inherently transform a Transformer (without the 30 pages of directions it came with).
  5. You bought a car based solely on how much equipment you could fit in the trunk.
  6. Your child asks you to marry him and you’re totally considering it.
  7. You know what a Ripstik is and you’re not afraid to use it.
  8. You spend much of your days in a fog of fart odor and some of it is proudly yours. (What? How else can you impress your male offspring?)
  9. A little penis seems to be constantly whizzing by (well, let’s hope that’s your sons).
  10. You’ve actually placed yourself under a tree with the feeling that, if that kiddo loses footing you’ll at least be there to break his fall.
  11. You know the pain of stepping on a Lego … and may in fact, have one imbedded somewhere in your body right now.
  12. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
  13. You understand what I mean when I say “bleacher butt,” as in, “My sits bones are literally numb, I have bleacher butt.”
  14. There’s a rogue Bey Blade in your purse.
  15. You’ve found yourself saying things like, “No, you can’t ride the dog.” and “Yes, you do have to keep your pants on in public.”
  16. You’ve had in depth conversations about who would win in multiple variations of match-ups involving Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, X-Men, Daddy …
  17. You can’t wait until he’s old enough to watch Airplane, The Naked Gun, Caddy Shack, Vacation, Fletch, The Three Amigos…
  18. Though you claim to be an absolute pacifist, you’ve had a talk that involved you urging, “Sometimes you gotta push back.”
  19. You’ve considered leashing your son at a theme park and he’s 12.
  20. You’re on a first name basis with the orderlies at the ER who provide slings, splints, casts, and those velcro boots.
  21. You may have shamefully thought, “It wouldn’t be so bad if he married an orphan.”
  22. There’s a finger in your eye, your ear, or up your nose and it’s not yours.
  23. At some point you notice the change in smell from “OMG sooo sweet” to “Get that tween some AXE.”
  24. You can use your keyboard, phone, iPad, but there’s a good chance your fingers will get stuck to it.
  25. There’s a love you feel for your son that’s too great and sometimes too scary to fully explain or even comprehend.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to the women who got a gulp when their babies were born — thinking One day they might leave you for another woman!!!

XO – Jenny From the Blog (Look for the piece: “You Know You’re the Mom of A Girl If…”)

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BE AWESOMER, COME GET THOSE RED CLAY STAINS OUT OF MY SON’S BASEBALL PANTS

RELATED POSTS:

25 Signs You are Definitely a Mom

20 Momisms Translated

Moms of Boys Are Jealous Shrews

 

50 Like Totally Random Things I Remember as a Child of Like The 80s

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After writing a recent post on 15 things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

1.  Being on a wait list for a Cabbage Patch Kid and not even being able to pick the one you wanted (bonus points if you remember its name — mine was Mitzy Shirley and she had the dreaded short curly hair).

2.  Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.

3.  Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.

4.  That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).

5.  The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.

6.  Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!” Continue reading →

Push LIKE if You Have Skin – Plus 10 More Desperate FB Page Ideas

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So sad he had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. He's one sick puppy!

So sad she had to be shamed in public that way, but they moved the sofa and this is what they found. She’s one sick puppy! (From MyDumbDogs.wordpress.com)

Yesterday, I saw an ad in the sidebar of facebook for a page called “I Love My Children.” It simply read: “Push LIKE if you love your children.” What’s crazier is that 5 of my friends had already “LIKED” said page (you know how it shows you that too?).

Wow, ladies you LOVE your children? No way! I can’t even wrap my head around it because you totally seemed like the types to down right hate your children, but then you went and pushed that button and now I’m all, “Maybe I misjudged you.” “Maybe you’re the best moms, like ever!” “Maybe you could watch mine sometime.” Then of course it dawned on me how very many of you so called friends of mine clearly DO NOT love your children which you made abundantly clear by NOT pushing “like”!

PS – To my mom and dad (who are on FB): I knew it! Don’t expect calls on your birthdays either … a-holes.

Is it just me or has the social networking world has gone bat shit crazy! Continue reading →

Only in Florida People – Only in Florida

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We Floridians are somewhat the butt of a running joke that the random, dangerous, and ass backwards things seem to happen here. Unfortunately, we tend to live up to this stereotype by constantly proving it true. People wonder why I’m such a neurotic mother and I’m beginning to wonder if my locale doesn’t have a smidgen to do with it.

For instance, it’s tough to deny that we live among some crazy prehistoric animals. From those massive dragon flies to the gators I’ve spotted around my lake doing their best George Hamilton impressions (did that reference age me?), to the panthers, to the poisonous frogs (Florida imported to kill our insect problem, which ended up killing peoples pets -great idea, Florida).  I’ve seen mosquitos the size of a house cat and ominous turkey buzzards that make me shake in fear. Continue reading →

Why Did Chachi Love Joanie Not Me and Other Reasons I Made Out With Posters in the 80s

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Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

He’s so thoughtful!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

This leering could be illegal ( I was 9).
We still made-out.

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

If only this was a
pillowcase!

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

Yes, 1000
times yes!

 

 

 

 

.

Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother? Boobs? For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.

I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but we may have gotten to 2nd base … I don’t know who was flatter Wall Scott Baio or me.)

After all that heavy petting I was positive that we had a magical connection through his pin-up. I truly believed this, the way at 9 years old, you may believe that if you have a dream about someone else they may be dreaming about you, or the way you believe there are unicorns disguised as horses and some day one of them will expose it’s true self to you because you are a REAL believer. Then you will ride over a rainbow together where you may or may not meet a live Care Bear. (Of course Funshine would’ve been my first choice, but I would’ve taken a run in with Love-a-Lot.)

That said, I knew that one day Scott would come visit our school for some assembly. You know like a One-to-Grow-On in person? He would probably discuss why I shouldn’t try cigarettes or answer the door for strangers or stick my finger down my throat. Because I knew not to do those things already we were a perfect match. I simply had to have my best friend (you know the one with the other half of my best friend charm?) give him a note that read: Will you go with me? Check a box below, yes, no, maybe. The “maybe” was really just a safety net in case a big celebrity like Scott needed to contact his managers and his mother and make sure he could fit me into his busy schedule. I had thought of everything.

Sadly, that day never came, but the loss didn’t linger (like his glares). He was torn down and replaced with Matt Dillon, Ricky Shroder Rob Lowe …

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

I’d still let him get to 2nd base!

Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer …

Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s

Dodged that bullet, huh?

Kirk Cameron, John Stamos (who has me eating Oikos) and Jason Bateman (who I may have a new poster of, I’m not telling, but if I did it would be somewhere between Ryan Gossling, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Reynolds).
Why Does Chachi Love Joanie and Not Me? Plus Other Random Things We All Contemplated in the 80s
Wow, I’m a serious wall slut.

Tell me I’m not alone, who leered at you from your walls?

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Be Awesomer, Ask Jason Bateman if He’ll “go” With Me

Related: 15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know if I Weren’t a Gen Xer

An Open Letter to Sinkholes – WTF?

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An Open Letter to Sinkholes

This is an actual sinkhole in Guatemala (Holy Crap)

MORE FROM JENNY: 20 Momisms Translated – What They REALLY Mean…

Last week, I wrote this sarcastic commentary about all the common things THEY say could kill you because I’m one of those people who feels a couple neurotic thoughts short of building myself a bubble. I try to heed as many warnings and be conscientious. And then a guy gets sucked out of his bedroom by a sinkhole and my worrying process got thrown on its head!

MORE FROM JENNY: 15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know if I Weren’t a Gen Xer

Dear Sinkholes -

Really? Really? Swallowing people from their bedrooms as they do Sudoku? That seems even beneath you and you’re pretty low. I’m already trying to deal with all my concerns from the BPA in bottles to the over use of hand sanitizers and then you come along and throw everything outta whack because now I have to worry about my safe space?  The area where I can watch a marathon of RHOBH and no one has to know. The place where my family can enjoy board games together, get in from the cold or the rain or simply sit on our respective iDevices and ignore each other (if we so choose).

Pretty much everything can kill you these days and you’ve gone and ruined plan B: Become a famous family of hermits who live a cozy safe life at home, all padded up like in a Cottonelle commercial. I hope you’re happy sinkholes.

MORE HUMOR FROM JENNY: When Your Tween Son Actually Pays Attention to You, Act Natural!

You’re supposed to be more like the stuff of legend and bad horror movies, like big foot and quick sand (don’t say quick sand is real), and the national debt.

Now, I have to worry that when we’re home watching some innocuous episode of So Random you could devour our home and that wouldn’t even be sooo random. In fact, I’m afraid to let my family watch that particular show because that’s probably when you’ll strike — simply to be ironic. Thanks Sinkholes, now you’ve ruined my ability to be comfortable in my own home and So Random.

Signed,

- Woman who is pricing out bubbles

PS I’m becoming a wandering nomad, so don’t bother.

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What Your Dog is Thinking – As Described By My Dog

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What your dog is really thinkingThis morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk (which I was guilted into by the pic above), I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic.

I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):

YES YES YES, Mom’s putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we’re going for a walk. This is wonderful news!

Look, she isn’t averting her eyes the way she does when she’s going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous.

(That’s when I noticed my phone needed a few minutes to charge or I’d have no music which equals no walk, so I turned from the door and headed to the bedroom.)

Nooooooooooo! Not the room with the big comfy thing in the middle where the fluffy squares I like to hump (when you’re not home) are located! That room is a trap. Each night she lies on that thing and doesn’t come our for like weeks, maybe months. I’m not sure, time eludes me. OK think think (pacing) gotta take a stand. Now’s the time to speak up. Just say, it say, it say it.

Whimper whimper.

Shit, that wasn’t what I wanted to say at all.  I don’t even know what language that was.

OK it seems to have worked, YES. She’s moving, this is a good sign annnnnnnnnnnd we’re off.

Awesome, let’s run. Come on — faster faster faster. What’s the matter with your legs? Why can’t you go faster? This is what happens when you lose two of your legs like you did, you’re slow. Why don’t you get some rollers and I’ll just pull you?

WAIT.

STOP NOW!

What it that???

(This is when I say, “Come on, stop smelling the leaf.”)

You call that thing a leaf? OMG it’s brilliant. I must smell it. There are more … there are tons … I must smell them. I feel like I must smell EVERY ONE.

Stop pulling.

What if this one is different?

Or this one?

Or this tree, or this pole, or this crack in the sidewalk?

Sheesh, enough with the pulling. How come no one is pulling you? Where’s the rope tied around your neck lady?

OK fine I’ll go, but let’s go fast and I’m just gonna cross the pavement back and forth from side to side right in front of you ‘cuz I don’t wanna miss anything.

Can you stopping tripping over me? G-d having two legs really must suck for you.

WAIT!

OH WOW. OH YES. OH GOODY!

There is a lady coming straight for us. Oh yeah. She can’t wait to see me. She’s running to me, she must wanna play. This is great, like bacon, I can’t even stand it. I bet she has a toy or a bone. Come on (ears perk up in cutest most excited face ever) and wait for it, wait, steady, hold hold HOLD.

SHE’S HERE!!!! I love you I love you I lo…. Wait she’s gone. Did she even see me? Is she coming back? What happened? Where’s my toy?

OK, reel it in ‘cuz there’s another human and this one has no hair and he’s in dark clothes and I think he’s going to attack us. He’s coming in slow.

Look big… bigger… like a bear. (Fur on back stands up straight.) Here he comes, I’ll save you Mom. Bark bark bark bark. Oh crap, his hand is near my head. He’s coming in for the kill and … ohhhh that’s nice. Why, he isn’t an attacker at all. He loves me. Well, I love him too.

(This is when I think, I’m happy my house has an alarm.)

That was lovely, I hope he comes by again soon. I’d probably live with him if you died. Not that I want you to die, I’m just sayin’ …

STOP STOP STOP!!!

REAL DANGER THIS TIME!

That stick just jumped in front of me! Did you see that? It’s trying to attack you all ninja style! (Fur on ruff stands up) Grrrrrowl. Bark Bark, I’m the alpha here! Don’t think you can kill my owner, though I do have a back up plan… There was a lovely fellow a few feet back that I …

Wait focus.

The ninja stick, right … I will screw you up.

Yeah that’s right shake in fear baby. SHAKE IN FEAR.

OK mom you’re safe we can pass. You’re welcome.

But, um let’s slow down a bit, K? This was a lot farther than I thought we were gonna go. We’ve been walking for like a year or something.

Can we rest for a sec?

The grass right here looks perfect I’ll just lay for a minute. I won’t close my eyes or anything.

OK one close. Not a nap just a long blink.

What we gotta go again? Did someone move our house while we were walking, the way back seems further. Could you drag me the rest of the way? Maybe put me on wheels and roll me, no?

Damn, those two legs may not go fast, but they go far.

Phew, we’re home. I need an entire bowl of water and a nap. And then we should totally go for a walk. I feel like it’s been years since you’ve taken me on one.

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A Dog’s Life
Let’s Name Our Dog Butt Munch

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When Your Tween Son Pays Attention To You Act Natural

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When Your Tween Son Pays Attention to You - Act Natural

My sweet amazing baby boy is now a tween. You know, that stage where moms are not quite as smart or cool … or necessary as they once were? Sure, they want you to get them a glass of water when they’re in bed. Sometimes they’ll throw you a bone and ask you to lay with them when they’re freaked out by some scary character they saw in a trailer on YouTube. Yep, they have to settle for horror movie trailers because that same annoying overprotective mother (you) said they weren’t old enough to watch Final Destination or SAW. (Smart choice)

Actually, tween really is the perfect term, as they’re truly somewhere between “Mommy will you come in my room?” and “Mom my room is off limits to you.” They’re between, “Mom I think Katie likes me because she always says ‘Hi,’ so what do I do now?” and Mom overhearing him tell some friends he wants to date Chastity because she puts out. (This is why you should never name your child Chastity … because irony is a bitch.)

I remember when the shift into tweenishness occurred. Continue reading →

What Those Vday Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage Edition

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What Sweetheart Candies SHOULD Say After a Few Years of Marriage

I’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing.   Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

YOU WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?

I’M PREGNANT … PSYCHE

R THOSE UR TOENAILS? Continue reading →

All Moms Are Neurotic Sometimes – Right?

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pull out hair stress frustrated

Here’s the thing, I’m not saying you’re neurotic, but we’ve all had those moments that totally defy all logic and reasoning. It’s just that some of us have more than others. I have these moments almost daily, hourly. I know… you’re jealous.

You too can have them, just develop a hearty case of OCD or throw all rational reasoning out the window and start to believe your thoughts can control the world (they’re the same thing).  


My please-don’t-have-me-committed moment du jour was focused on a prescription of antibiotics for my daughter’s double ear infection.  Please note, the child’s never had an ear infection and for her first, she’s decided to have two. Let me tell you, that kid NEVER does anything half-assed, which is something I usually marvel at.

Anyhoo, after 4 days of diligently doling out her meds, twice a day (No easy task, as any mom will tell you), I accidentally knocked the bottle over onto the counter.

I felt the way an alcoholic would watching interventionists pour the last bit of liquor down the drain, or worse, the way EVERY breastfeeding mom feels when a bottle of pumped milk AKA “liquid gold” is spilled – sob worthy.

I watched as the pink milky blob spread across the counter and did what any other self respecting mom would do. I grabbed a medicine syringe and started siphoning the remains. But, I couldn’t put it back into the bottle, why? I mean, there were 6 days left and at least 4 were staring at me in a blob on the counter. Instead I filled a separate glass with everything I could suck up, and stared at it.

Now, a new mom would probably Continue reading →

15 Random Things I Wouldn’t Know If I Weren’t a Gen Xer

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Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?

Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?

About a week ago I turned 40 …

I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription). Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)

No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this: Continue reading →