i Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)
Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store. Oh, the Apple store. It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults. Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing. There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor. Continue reading →
Everyone loves to tell you how to get rid of stubborn fat, like it’s so easy. “Put down the donut.” “Go to the gym.” “Be less stressed.” “Drink 30 gallons of water each day.” “Get 23 hours of sleep.” “Cut out carbs.” “Do cardio all day, everyday.”
There, now you have everything you need to get thin and svelte. You’re welcome.
So, what are you waiting for? Have you lost any of that fat yet? No? How about now? Still no? Sheesh, you’re lazy!
Oh, you have a life and you’re busy? What, you work? You have kids and they have busy lives too? You’ve tried all that stuff and realized that after having babies and dealing with the Earth’s gravitational pull for so many years; there are certain areas or pockets of fat that no amount of sit-ups, juice fasts, miracle creams, or vitamins can fix?
Why didn’t you say so? Because we’re not having an actual conversation, you say? Got it, I also get that these areas you speak of (well, I’m speaking of) contain the kind of bulge that doesn’t like to budge. So, what’s a gal to do? (I imagine you asking.)
Well, I researched like a maniac for column at SmartBeauty, and holy crap, there are a ton of options and they seem to be getting better by the minute. They’re already using fat dissolving injections and I’m pretty sure, at this rate, we’ll be able to eat a fat dissolving candy bar within the next decade, maybe within the hour (I should try a candy bar and see if it works).
Here are the best FDA-Approved options currently available from Cool Sculpt, to ultrasound, to radio frequency to new injections.
This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of The Home Depot. But frankly, I would have done it for free (well, don’t tell them that).
I’ve lived in South Florida on and off for over 20yrs. In that time I’ve had quite a few scares. I went through Andrew my sophomore year of college. Though I didn’t take it very seriously, I recall emptying perfectly good food and drinks out of my fridge to make room for beer and chilled vodka. Brilliant, huh? Well I was taught quite a lesson when a window basically imploded and shot across my room at gut level, missing me by a matter of inches. I would never disregard the danger of a hurricane again.
Yes, that was a wake up call. So were the lines for gas, the curfews, the lack of electricity and water … and we had it easy. Our apartment was still standing and livable. Our things, though a bit waterlogged, were still usable … recognizable.
With Katrina crushing the Gulf and Sandy hitting so far North last year, it’s fair to say, those on the East and Gulf Coast certainly won’t feel any safer than those of us in “Cane Country”. Continue reading →
Recently, on a road trip to Disney, I was rummaging through the contents of the arm rest compartment for some tissues when I realized the old maxi pad, that had somehow gotten stuck to the inside, would have to be peeled off to sub in for some Kleenex. Plus it had wings, which would make for easy clean-up.
I looked at my mother and said, “We need to invent some kind of portable tool that has all the necessary mommy accoutrements to tackle any parenting task.”
Because we had been on the road a while and we were slap-happy and also listening to a Bratz movie… for the fourth time, we made a list of all the things said contraption would need.
So here are the results of our brainstorming session. I give you … the Swiss Mommy Knife:
1. An extra arm – I can be walking with a phone to my ear, a latte, a purse, a laundry basket, and groceries resting on my hip … and one of my kids will still attempt to hand me an empty juice box. Clearly two arms just aren’t enough.
2. A sibling separator – No matter how much they need to be apart, they somehow magnetize back to each other and continue to argue slap, and tease. This device should be something with a little bite — like a bug zapper or a taser.
3. An elevator backer-offer – I’m thinking some kind of stick-like poker that lets people know your kids will get to push the stupid buttons on the elevator. Regardless of their age, that is somehow the most important thing they get to do all day … well, unless there’s an escalator around somewhere. Continue reading →
So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted — who can resist carb talk and 80s humor? (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated).
It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.
Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) Continue reading →
No matter how much you try to fancy it up (notice top hat ears) you still look like the guy on the right.
Me and about 200,000 other people had this brilliant idea to spend Spring Break at Walt Disney World. Sure, we could’ve done something more relaxing — like sky diving, but we chose this destination because we like lines. Love lines. Love the way that by simply roping off lines into a maze like snake shape so one could walk nearly a mile without ever leaving a room.
OK, lines make me insane, I can truly only half pay attention to anyone as I’m busily trying to assess how fast we’re moving and how much time we have left. While standing in the first line of the day, my daughter asked who played Mickey Mouse. “I don’t know. I guess Walt Disney was the first Mickey, but not anymore, he’s dead.” Maybe I should’ve thought out my response because my daughter’s reaction was to scream, O M G, MICKEY MOUSE IS DEAD??!! There are no rules in Disney about what you can and cannot say, but I’m gonna guess if there were that would literally top the chart. Holy crap. I’ve never seen so many chipper little happy faces fall into frowns and tears so quickly, as moms struggled to do damage control while intermittently giving me the stink eye.
Sadly, it went down hill from there. I began to suffer what I call “line dementia,” that’s when crazy shit comes out of your mouth simply to fill time and to mess with your children for your personal amusement — it’s somewhat of a survival tactic. Continue reading →
How many moms are stuck in the “Mom Uniform” rut: Grabbing the first pair of comfy sweats/jeans, throwing on a quickie tank/sweater, tying your hair in a pony, slapping on a little gloss, and darting out the door?
The answer: Too many.
Which is why I’ve made a conscious effort NOT to fall into that “mom trap.” OK I’ll admit, I have donned workout wear simply to get out the door when I had no intention of coming within 100 yards of a gym or treadmill. I’m only slightly ashamed of that trick, as I feel it makes me seem motivated, gives me an excuse for not putting together a trendy outfit, and I look a hell of a lot better than I would if I’d actually worked up a sweat! We’ll call it workout glam!
Listen, I’ve given up many things since becoming a mom: perky boobs, solo trips to the restroom, an enormous amount of hair (I had no idea how much hair I would lose after pregnancies) … but the one thing I refuse to give up is being glam.
If that means my stilettos dig deeper and deeper into that weird rubber mulch you find at new playgrounds, so be it. I don’t care if someone has to siphon me out of that veritable quicksand, that little bit of glam is all I have left!
This week, on my show, I get to be the expert! Yes, I impart some of my favorite tips to get a little extra glam (don’t worry, no stilettos are involved). I simply tell you how to enhance your look and glam yourself up, whether you’re “snack mom” at a soccer game or you’re spending Saturday night out with the hubs.
I’ve listed my absolute favorite products below to coincide with the video and my best tips. ENJOY! PS you’ll get to see all my phases of trying to emulate hair-styles of the celebs from “The Dorothy Hamill” to …
1. A girl’s best friend – “Chicken Cutlets” AKA boob enhancers. These are great whether you want to go up a size or fill in volume loss and sagging … plus they bounce baby! Takeouts silicone bra inserts ($48 Bare Necessities)
2. Loooooong lashes – Kim K is not the only one who likes the look of falsies! Lashes enhancing is a must. Yes, I’ve written out how to apply the fakes, but for a quick and easy “I’m a mom, I don’t have time to glue lashes on, ” fix — try Too Faced Better than False Lashes system ($35 Sephora). OK, you’ll need to make 3 passes, but the extra 15 seconds is worth it.
3. A good foundation is the key to many things (younger looking skin, included). My best secret EVER: Purchase the Temptu foundation ($25 Sears) that’s used for airbrush make up machines and apply it with a regular makeup brush or your fingers. It’s amazing because it’s meant to spread super thin via airbrush, plus it’s silicone based, which means it won’t clog pores, and lasts all day. You used to only be able to get it at professional makeup artist stores and sites, but now they’re selling it at Sear! Makeup and a power-drill in the same place, how convenient!
4. Accentuate the positives – a quick highlighter at the top of the cheekbone (like seen in the video) can help make you look more glowy and alert, even if you were up with the baby half the night! I love Moon Beam by Benefit ($26 Sephora)
5. Hair enhancements – EVERY celeb has these, whether it’s a clip on set of bangs, some strips of color, a braid to accentuate their whimsical side, or extra mane for length or volume. I loooove the clip-ins because they don’t damage your hair and they’re shockingly easy to do! I recommend the virgin human hair. I got mine at Aztig, Sheila (the owner) specializes in extensions. She can ship them to be matched and cut by your stylist of she can do a color match for you with photographs.
Can someone explain why I still have “baby brain” when my kids aren’t babies anymore?
So, my Gen X-ers, many of us are years past changing diapers and yet we still seem to have Momnesia. Frankly, my memory … and ability to have a complete thought, has gotten exponentially worse with the birth of each child and the passage of each year.
Look, I can tell you the names of all the characters from The Facts of Life, or The Breakfast Club, but I have no idea where I left my keys, what pending appointments I have, or why I just walked into this room?!
On this week’s episode of The Jenny Isenman Show, my guest Sharon Rowley, (organizational expert/blogger and mom of 6 — freakin’ 6!), and I test our memories, discuss the stupidest shit we’ve done due to Momnesia, and talk tips to get through the day. Continue reading →
This week we’re talking TRASH DAY (feel free to insert your own grievance).
We’ve lived in our home for about 9 years or 936 trash days. I know, most people prefer to count in years. Though, I think the British count in trash days or do they use the metric system? I’m not sure which. Anyway, we’ve had the same trash days (Mon. and Thurs.) every week.
Yet somehow, my husband forgot to take out the trash both days last week. Not just one day, which he’s usually good for, once every three weeks, I’m talking both! Frankly, I can’t wrap my head around it.
Forgetting trash day isn’t like forgetting to pick up toothpaste. One does not peek into the neighbor’s bathrooms to see if their tubes have run dry, nor do we all run out of Crest at the same time. HOWEVER, one does get a peek at the curbs of about 50 neighbors with large green plastic containers on the curb; and yep, our day is the same as everyone else’s.
Why doesn’t my husband notice the cans littering the street and turn back to set ours out when he’s mere feet from the house? I wonder. “There’s no conspiracy here honey, the neighbors aren’t putting out all their cans, simply to watch you turn around and put out ours, so they can snicker behind your back, “Dumbass, fell for it again! Hee hee hee, now let’s all go schlep our trashcans back into our garages,” high-fives all around!
“The garbage collectors are also not fucking with you, by changing up the days they will collect our junk. Nope, they have better things to do, like leaving the can in the direct path of my car, which often ends with me extracting it from the undercarriage and hoping it pops back into shape.” Those are the jokes they play, duh?
My husband’s standard response, “I forgot, and I didn’t notice all the other trashcans.” I get it, I’m no ogre, it was an honest mistake (made at a 1:6 ratio. Not that I’m counting), but he has like two weekly jobs around the house: trash and light bulbs.
Could you imagine if us moms just forgot 50% of our jobs any given week? Like, “Oops I forgot to feed the kids this week and seeing other people eat, or even eating myself didn’t remind me. But for the record, I also drove carpool this week and I got them to and from school everyday. Yep, I didn’t even miss one!”
So, this week, I won’t mention the trash once. Even though I noticed, just this morning, that there was a ton of recycling stuff in the regular bin – where it should NOT be. I also won’t breathe a word about all the stuff in the small cans in our office and bathrooms, which clearly weren’t emptied. No, I’m taking this experiment seriously. Zipped, are my lips.
On a side note, last week’s experiment went really crappy! I mentioned that my hubs parked in the farthest spot one time and noticed that he was too close to a car another time. I said, “Didn’t you read last week’s column about how much your parking annoys me!” To which he responded, “Yes, did YOU?”
Is it just me or does your husband have trashcan blinders too?
This week, on The Jenny Isenman Show, I’m discussing the best fixes for my most worthy adversaries: enlarged pores, wrinkles, sags, uneven skin tone, and cellulite, with the author of Forget the Facelift, (one of my dream guests) Dr. Doris Day. She kinda frequents all the morning shows: Good Morning America, The Dr. Oz Show, The View ... to name a few.
She’s even talked cutting-edge procedures with Barbara Walters on 20/20. I would totally stalk her if I had more time. I tell her about the stalking in our interview, and I’m not gonna lie, she looks nervous about it!
In the segment you will:
find out which random place I’ve gotten Botox and why it’s a kind of awesome new trend.
learn how heat energy can lift sagging!
see a picture of me at prom … in a gold lame dress … that had a turtleneck!
see the results of the newest lasers and laser alternatives.
learn how to properly berate people who are younger and wrinkle-free (F@ckers)
If you learned anything from the video, even if it’s that I was super cheesy in the 80′s or that Dr. Day has incredible legs, please like/share it and pass it on to your friends. I’m tryin’ to make this a full time gig!
Behind the scenes extra: I was sick as a dog when filming and Dr. Day offered to bring me to a walk-in clinic somewhere in the middle of Jersey City at 8PM. Smart, knows her stuff, chills with the stars, and is willing to hang with the sick girl, she was pretty incredible.
I know, that was a stupid question (and frankly, “stupid questions” are number 1 on my list of pet peeves), but at this point in my marriage, I’m thinking it’s possible that most things my hubby does falls into the “annoying” category, which probably makes living with me and absolute pleasure!
So, I’ve decided to take action, well action — in the form of an experiment. We’re all told, “You can’t change people, you just have to accept them,” unfortunately I can’t accept that advice anymore than I can accept my hubby’s, ahem, little ticks.
But maybe if we try not to sweat the small stuff slowly, you know, one small thing at a time, we can change our outlook?! That said, each week, I will TRY to accept a different (most likely NOT) Earth shattering annoyance, until I have accepted them all … or I’m too old to notice them anymore, whichever comes first.
I would love for you to do this with me!!! Because, like running a marathon, it helps to have someone to train with and complain with and stretch with. Though, no stretching will be required for this experiment, unless you want to stretch, I mean, it’s not prohibited either and if that’s what you need from me I say let’s do some toe touches.
For MY first week I will attempt not to complain about my husband’s parking for an entire week! This will be extremely hard, as my husband likes to take the first available spot upon entering any lot, which is usually also the farthest. He clearly didn’t read The Secret, which explained that you CAN get the best spot everyday, if you believe. I am a believer and frankly, I’m also lazy, and willing to circle endlessly, which ensures I ALWAYS get an impressive spot. In fact, I wish we all compared spots when we entered a mall or other establishment, so that I could show off my parking prowess!
To add to my hub’s penchant for picking bad spots he likes to park between cars when there are corner spots available (hello, only one side of your car is exposed to damage!), and he doesn’t know to park slightly closer to the nicer car or to car on his side!
He NEVER, well, only after my constant whining, reparks to straighten out the car (we’ll add my insistent whining to his list of pet peeves). We could be hanging off a curb or parked on a diagonal, and it just isn’t worth going into reverse, because apparently that’s a major chore.
Lastly, he doesn’t consider the fact that I’m usually in super high-heeled shoes and wedges! How is not thinking of my foot attire at time like that, or all the time for that matter?
By the time I enter a store I’m tired from having walked a mile. I’m possibly limping from having twisted an ankle and I’m most certainly hoarse from saying, “there’s a spot, look there’s a spot” while pulling in and continuing to point out ALL the spots we could’ve parked in as we walk through the lot.
So, I imagine my barking and bitching could also be on his list of peeves. Yes, I know, we seem perfect ladies, but we have little miniscule tiny barely noticeable flaws (we’re only human).
So, I will bite my tongue all week and see if I can let it go … and if letting it go makes us less bitter by the time we hit our destination, we call it a score. If not, I will of course, go back to complaining and pointing and whining, duh.
You can obviously pick your own peeve for this week and let me know what it is so I may use it in a column and of course, dedicate it to you!
Next week, be ready for (forgetting trash day)!
PS- Go check out my new show – The first episode it up!!!