Tag Archives: hilarious

21 Lies Moms Tell Their Kids To Stay Sane

21 lies moms tell

Last Sunday, as we drove home after a long baseball tournament in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue this tedious day and go see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.

Me: “Um, sorry guys that’s a great idea, but they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Maybe tomorrow.”

Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. my daughter paused for a quick sec to access the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Yes, they do, there’s an 8:25.”

Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Moms lie! We do — Continue reading

A Tale of Two Titties – Mine (A Hilarious Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tale and Reminder)

After a lump scare in my late-20′s, I learned that all lumps are not the C-word and it’s totally okay to get to 2nd base with yourself!

two tittiesLet me tell you a tale, a tale of two titties (oh, how that word makes me cringe, but it’s so much better for the pun)…

After finding a pea sized lump and getting a needle biopsy, I was told that like the several million other young women with fibrous breast tissue, I would be required to get a yearly mammogram and ultrasound.

I’d heard horrible tales of the mammogram and it’s crushing pain. I feared the impending torture and dreaded that, what little my child bearing and breastfeeding had left unscathed, would be permanently altered.

By the time my appointment had rolled around, the fear of having something less benign than a fibroid cyst had started to set in, as well.  If I can produce one kind of growth with no knowledge of it, why can’t I produce another kind?

While contemplating in the waiting room, I saw a woman, not a day under 100.  OK, if she can do this, so can I, I thought, resigned to get through this. Continue reading

When Moms Are Sick vs. When Dads Are Sick

moms sick vs. dads sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For four days I’ve been sick.  Nothing crazy — just the usual sore throat, coughing, fatigue kind of thing, maybe a fever … but since not one of our thermometers says the same temperature I can only guesstimate that I’m somewhere between 97.1 and 108.2. 

What’s most amazing is that in those four days, the world miraculously kept spinning. My children’s schedules did not disappear, nor did mine.  They made it to camp, and to baseball, to the orthodontist. They didn’t suffer from starvation because I decided to forgo grocery shopping, or making them breakfast, or packing their lunches; so that I could lie around and do something totally trivial, like recuperate. No, life as we know it, went on.

Last night, I gleefully turned out the lights at around 11PM, Continue reading

Things Parents Do That Embarrass Us Even Though We’re All Grown Up

sex life mom ecard

At about 13 years old, my mom went from doing everything right to doing everything so very wrong. In fact, everything she did was either “so gay,” “so queer,” or “moooooommmmm, you’re so embarrassing.” (It was the 80s, I’m sure they say different things now.)  Anyway, it didn’t matter if she was singing the wrong words to Billy Jean or she sneezed at too high of a pitch, it was utterly unforgivable. And don’t even get me started on the things she did around my friends. One time, she smacked her lips while eating a bagel and cream cheese at breakfast with my besties after a sleepover!

Do you believe that?

Mortifying!

I’m sure those girls are still talking about her lip smacking to this very day. Frankly, it’s amazing we remained friends after that appalling display. Well, it’s a testament to my friends, that’s for sure.

That phase lasted for about 4 years. (It’s a phase I’m already dreading with my own daughter because well, there is just no winning, for the parent!) That said, my mom and I have managed to be the closest of friends throughout my life, but she’s still my mother, and there are still those moments when she says something that makes me cringe. You know the kind of cringe that makes your whole body pucker? The kind of cringe that makes you wish you could scour what you just heard from your eardrums with a piece of steel wool? That kind of cringe.

YOU PROBABLY LIKE: 20 THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO FOR THEIR BESTIES

Let’s start with when she says the word Continue reading

Things That Made Guys HOT in The 80s – What Were We Thinking?

It’s funny, I used to be attracted to many different things than I am now (a decade into marriage). Back in the 80s, a mullet might have been enough to get my heart racing (Stop judging, I meant, a nice mullet OK? One that’s all feathery and flippy, not frizzy or straggly.)  Now, simply remembering trash day without a reminder is super hot.

I have to say, I never would’ve anticipated my prerequisites would become so boring, lackluster, cliche, unexciting, sad … (though, when I look back, the attributes I used to find sexy, desirable, and like, so awesome, are somewhat, um, embarrassing.

mullets

Did you not find these things sexy too?

This was Totally Hot in the 80s:

1.  Like I said: A mullet and not just any mullet, one with panache, one with style, one that was well maintained, one with a mind of its own (like its owner). Think, Rob Lowe in St. Elmos Fire, or John Stamos on Full House or … let’s give props to the best mullet of all time … James Spader’s a la Pretty in Pink.

2.  If you could quote movies, you were a stud. I’m serious, anything from “Can you describe the ruckus?” to “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue” to Continue reading

40 Things Gen Xers Did Growing Up -That Our Kids Will Never Need to Do

40 Things Gen Xers Did that Our Kids WIll Never Need to Do

Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”

“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”

Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?

Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.

As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.

Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):

  1. Ignore the B-side
  2. Mail a letter
  3. Use all their fingers to type
  4. Fill an ice tray
  5. Get up to turn the channel (while possibly walking across static causing shag carpets, no less).
  6. Survive with only 4 channels
  7. Blow on a video game cartridge. I still do this with scratched DVDs — it makes my kids laugh.
  8. Write notes in class
  9. Learn to spell
  10. Get information from reference books
  11. Be a part of a family decision in which you decide whether to buy a Beta or VHS player
  12. Write a check
  13. See #11 but sub in Atari and Coleco
vision Continue reading