It’s funny, I used to be attracted to many different things than I am now (a decade into marriage). Back in the 80s, a mullet might have been enough to get my heart racing (Stop judging, I meant, a nice mullet OK? One that’s all feathery and flippy, not frizzy or straggly.) Now, simply remembering trash day without a reminder is super hot.
I have to say, I never would’ve anticipated my prerequisites would become so boring, lackluster, cliche, unexciting, sad … (though, when I look back, the attributes I used to find sexy, desirable, and like, so awesome, are somewhat, um, embarrassing.
Did you not find these things sexy too?
This was Totally Hot in the 80s:
1. Like I said: A mullet and not just any mullet, one with panache, one with style, one that was well maintained, one with a mind of its own (like its owner). Think, Rob Lowe in St. Elmos Fire, or John Stamos on Full House or … let’s give props to the best mullet of all time … James Spader’s a la Pretty in Pink.
2. If you could quote movies, you were a stud. I’m serious, anything from “Can you describe the ruckus?” to “I guess I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue” to Continue reading
Last night, as Ry, my 9yo daughter ran out of the room to grab a blanket she yelled, “Mom, press pause, OK?”
“Um, I would … if we weren’t playing cards.”
Did she really ask me to press pause during a game of UNO?
Kids are so used to being able to can control anything with the push of a button –they can “stop,” and “pause,” and “delete,” and “restart” pretty much anything, including their toothbrushes. It makes playing a game like UNO in this day and age seem pretty archaic.
As a child, I recall hearing Baby Boomers talk about watching black and white television, listening to radio soap operas, or playing 78rpm records … and thinking how totally obsolete those activities are to my generation. As an adult, I realize there were so many things Gen Xers did as a children that my children would currently find beyond antiquated and obsolete or better yet, wouldn’t even understand the need for in the first place.
Here are just a few things my kids will never have to do (some of which I enjoyed very much):
In the past 30 years, many accepted practices have changed. What people considered normal and safe back then — transporting your newborn in the front-seat, having a latchkey kid at age 6, and letting them explore the woods with no parental guidance — is pretty much grounds for arrest these days. But, in that simpler time they call the ’80s, there were some great ideas that I’m thinkin’ we should totally revive — the way Disney Channel stars have brought back overly-sequined attire, off-the-shoulder shirts, and leopard print day-glow leggings!
Thanks, Shake It Up, I can barely look at my daughter without retinal strain!
In honor of the passing of Memorial Day, I’d like to start with re-instituting “adult swim” (not the one on Cartoon network). No, I’m talking about that 15 minute span when anyone who wasn’t shaving yet, had to evacuate the water and allow the older generation to have a civilized dip? AKA the worst part about going to the pool when you were a kid.
Now, as an adult, I realize Continue reading
After writing a recent post on 15 things I’d never know if I weren’t a Gen Xer, I came to realize that as a child of the 80s, I’m some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the “Rain Man” of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I’ll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.
But I now see that I’m somewhat stuck in the ’80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I’d share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.
1. Being fairly certain you would one day marry: Scott Baio, Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, River Phoenix, one of the Coreys, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Kirk Cameron, Matt Dillon, Ricky Schroder, or Tom Cruise.
2. Jumping on the eyes of the alligator with Pit Fall Harry.
3. Thinking Flash Gordon had the best special effects ever.
4. That coffee-flavored sucking candy all elderly people had (before anything coffee flavored was cool).
5. The random Super Friends like the Apache Chief, Gleek, and Samurai.
6. Screaming, “Oh my God, the girl in Sleepaway Camp has a penis!” Continue reading
Look I got why Joanie loved Chachi, didn’t we all? The better question is, why did Chachi Love Joanie … and not me, not us? I went through much of the early 80s asking myself this very question. Why didn’t the 80s heartthrobs I so desperately wanted, not love me back? Because we never met? Maybe. What did Joanie have that I didn’t have? A frizzy boy-cut? A square but endearing older brother?Boobs?
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why that muscle shirt wearing bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks with the “cool” genes of the Fonze and looks of perfection, wasn’t dating me.
I was sure Scott Baio was just as awesome as Chachi in real life and may have been even better looking, since he seemed to dress more on trend in his 2 page spreads in Tiger Beat. Every one of those posters made it to my wall, where he winked or glared at me in a way that I was pretty certain he wouldn’t do for any other 9 year old girl. (Little did I know, those leering looks he gave me from my walls could have gotten him arrested. Not to mention the kissing we did. I don’t want to brag but Continue reading
(Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother, Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?)
I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription)… Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or that somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)
No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:
1. I wouldn’t recall the Facts of Life before Edna’s Edibles burned down and Cloris Leachman took over. I’d say, “Who’s Mrs. Garrett?” and “Tootie on roller-skates, really? I don’t think so.”
2. I wouldn’t know what it would be like to get up to change the channel on the television set or how to adjust bunny ears. (For those non Gen Xers, “bunny ears” is not a photobomb technique.)
3. I wouldn’t know how incredibly ridiculous and large, I mean gorgeous, my hair could look by spraying my bangs to the ceiling and simply adding an over-sized scrunchie or clip on the top of my head, or an attractive horse mane-creating banana clip to the back of my hair, or how to weave my own ribbon barrettes à la Olivia Newton John in Xanadu.
4. I certainly wouldn’t have learned most of what I know about grammar, science, math and history from School House Rock. To this day, I can tell you who invented the cotton gin, why 3 is a magic number and how our nervous system is like a telegraph line. I’m also fairly certain the Great American Melting Pot is an actual stew made by the Statue of Liberty.
5. Nor would I know what a Yuckmouth is, what to do when I “hanker for a hunk a cheese” or how not to drown my food in ketchup or mayo or goo.
6. I wouldn’t have diligently listened to Casey Kasem count down the weekly hits while praying Bananarama, Debbie Gibson or The Bangles would take the number one spot (and not have been ashamed to admit it).
7. I wouldn’t know the joy of waking up at 6AM on Saturday morning to catch The Super Friends and wishing there would be a storyline that included one of the random heroes or villains. You know like, Apache Chief, Plastic Man, Mxyzptlk or Bizarro. (Did anyone else think Wonder Woman was hooking up with Aquaman?)
8. Plus, I don’t think I would’ve made it through adolescence without “One to Grow On” or “After School Specials.” Frankly, without the likes of Mr. T, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields or Punky Brewster telling me not to steal or cheat or throw up after meals — I don’t know that I would’ve turned out OK.
9. I wouldn’t know from Corey Apple, Adam Bomb or Sy Clops.
10. I wouldn’t know the excitement over getting a brand new Brother Word processor (you could type an entire sentence at a time, I kid you not – goodbye white-out).
11. I would have never annoyingly used the phrases and terms: “Where’s the beef,” “Barf me out,” “No Duy,” “Tubular,” “Faced” (as in, “You got faced”) or like the word “like” every like other word in like a sentence. (All to my mother’s dismay.)
12. I wouldn’t have been able to watch (while pretending to be asleep) Eddie Murphy sing “Unce, tice, fee times a mady,” or teach me the word “scum bucket.” I wouldn’t know why Mr. Bill screamed “Oh No,” or why it ’tis better to look good than to feel good.
13. I probably wouldn’t have owned a rainbow assortment of EGs, that we all know were beyond perfection with a pair of simple Keds, or awesome Reebok hightops, or fancied up with a glorious pair of shoe boots!
14. I wouldn’t have attempted to do the flash-dance quick-toe-tap and hair swing while wearing leg-warmers and a splatter painted, off the shoulder sweatshirt for my 4th grade talent show. (Oh, if I could erase that day! Alas, I cannot — years of therapy says so.)
15. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to use my allowance to buy the Beastie Boys License to Ill album (as in LP), and play it on my awesome record player with mono AND stereo… nor would I understand how speakers were also furniture… mine were used as makeshift bedside tables.
16. I wouldn’t know the feeling of getting a Cabbage Patch Kid after being on a wait-list at Caldor that felt like an eternity — and not even being able to pick the one I got, but loving her/him nonetheless. Extra points if you can remember the name, mine was Mitzy Shirley.
17. I wouldn’t be able to wow my children with my awesome dance moves including: The Running Man, the Roger Rabbit, the Cabbage Patch, the MC Hammer, the Robot, the Sprinkler, the Shopping Cart, the Walk the Dog … Oh, I’m goooood.
18. And those references to winding cassette tapes with a pencil that you see on Facebook — I’d see them as meaningless graphic designs to be silk-screened onto a tee shirt.
Shit, did I age myself saying silk-screened?
I meant iron-on.
Acid washed? Stone washed? Distressed?
Organic? Composted? Made from hemp… green coffee… some material that wicks sweat?
Fine. I can’t fool myself or anyone else, and when I look back at all the crap I got to enjoy, I kinda don’t want to. So, I’ll embrace it!
Gen Xers are like totally awesome…
Happy 40th to ME!
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