Tag Archives: funny

First Child vs Second Child – 10 Things Parents Do Differently

1st Child vs 2nd Child: 10 Ways Things Are Different #humor #parenting #funny #list #siblingsWhen I had my first child, I wanted to do everything by the book. I was so nervous that the tiniest misstep would somehow break the baby. In fact, one of my first pieces was about how shocked I was that they just let me leave the hospital with this infant.

What were they thinking?

I had no clue what to do with him. In fact, the only requirements were that I show them my car seat and make the obligatory poop, which I later found out wasn’t even TRULY obligatory. (I had to do more to get a library card! Not that my library asked me to poop before giving me a card because that would be suspect… though I did anyway — for good measure). Anyhoo…

I was determined to rise to the challenge — All toys were sanitized before they came within 10ft of my child. People were sanitized too, they were also grilled as to when they were last sick, if they knew proper baby handling techniques, the date of their last TB test and if they were taking any meds that would prohibit them from operating heavy machinery (well, if that can’t drive a crane, they certainly can’t hold my baby).

Then came child number two, and I raced to get her home … it’s amazing how much changes between your first and second. You can blame it on the lack of time needed to be as anal, ahem, meticulous as you were with the first, or maybe it’s simply a gain in experience and confidence, but the differences are undeniable. Do any of these first child vs second child differences sound a wee bit familiar…

1) First Child: “Oh, no First dropped a teething toy/pacifier. I need to go home and sterilize that puppy even if First cries the whole way back… it’s too unsanitary.

Second Child: “Look Second dropped her teething toy/pacifier. Is there any hair on it? No? Good.” *huffs on with mouth, wipes on pant leg and gives back to child*

2) First Child: Is only allowed to watch super educational videos (so we thought) like Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby – and you watch with First and follow along with a pointer while clapping and humming, like they demonstrate in the videos.

Second Child: Whatever First is watching should be fine. “Oh, it’s Annoying Orange? OK, then I’m sure there’s some value in that. Fruit is really healthy.” Then you smartly excuse yourself from the room as this may be your only free time all day and the last thing you want to do with it is watch some ear screeching orange do things your child will imitate for the rest of the year.

3) First Child: “I can’t use these wipes straight from the bag. They’ll need to sit in the wipe warmer to reach the optimal temperature for First’s precious bottom.”

Second Child: “I can’t use these wipes from the wipe warmer. Then Second will scream when we use cold ones … We should throw that addictive thing away before Second knows its powers.”

4. First Child: “I will breastfeed until that kid gets teeth, and on a perfect schedule in the comfort of my home while I rock in our glider to the tunes of Raffi.”

Second Child: “This cafe looks like a great place to whip out my bosom, to the tune of people dining and gawking … well screw them, do they not have the National Geographic Channel?”

5) First Child: You’re signed up for Mommy and Me and Kinder Music and Gymboree and Baby Sign Language and Baby Massage and Youthful Yoga because they are all stimulating and wonderful for their mental and physical growth.

Second Child: You’re not wasting your money on most of that stuff, the park is awesome!

6) First Child: You keep an awesome baby book with every detail of First’s days.  What else do you have to do but marvel at your creation and log First’s every milestone and experience?

Second Child: You pick that book up every 6 months and try to mentally back track. “Crap, when did you start walking? Rolling? Eating solid food?” Sadly, your memory is shot and that first year is mostly a blur, so you write in rough estimates. “Second took first steps somewhere between 8 and 14 months. It was amazing, I think.”

7) First Child: (While staring at every blip on the baby monitor) “Oh G-d First’s been crying for 2 minutes straight!!!! I can’t Ferberize this baby, it’s cruel and horrible, I must go to First.

SecondChild: “Oh is that crying? I had the monitor off — Real Housewives Reunion is on.”

8) First Child: Having first child’s swing/exersaucer/play-mat is just adorable mixed in with our adult furniture.

Second Child: All of our adult furniture is hard to find, mixed in with all the exersaucers/swings/bouncers/toys/dolls and play-mats.

9) First Child: “You’d like to babysit my precious little darling? Well, I’ll need to do an interview get 5 references and do a lengthy background check. Leave me your SSN and resume.”

Second Child: “You want to babysit my adorable yet rambunctious kids and you’re free Saturdays? Do you have references? Great, no need to give me their numbers, I’m sure they’d say nice things.”

10) First Child:  You think you can never ever love anything as much as this little being. Part of you feels bad for the second child before he or she arrives.

Second Child: You realize you can actually love more than one person so deeply and you’re in awe of how true that statement is.

Do ya feel me???

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When Toto Gets a Standing O – The Wizard of Oz Cast Gets Drunk

I love me some bitches!

This is what I imagine the actors in the Wizard of Oz would really love to say to the audience when Toto gets the biggest standing ovation (which I saw occur).

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12 Ways Saturday Night is Different After Children – Then vs Now

Saturday Night Before Kids vs AfterWhile my washer and dryer were hard at work and my dishes were in the final rinse cycle, the ball dropped to ring in the New Year.

I had just called my kids in to watch the countdown while simultaneously thanking my lucky stars that J and Ry had missed the pre-New Year’s performance Miley gave, where she awkwardly cradled/fondled a midget, while she donned a pair of upper-vagina-accentuating gold sequin pants that did her bod no justice and oddly reminded me of what Molly Shannon would wear when she kicked and yelled, “I’m fifty,”

After wiping the sweat off my brow, emptying my glass of champagne, and making a mental note to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer, I blew my hubby (who was sick and spent the night matching me shot for shot with a bottle of Nyquil) a kiss and then shooed our guests out the door before the clock hit 12:01.  (PS I just realized I should have saved the parenthetical in the middle of  ”blew my hubby a kiss” until after I completed the sentence. Poor guy — only gets it in a grammatical error.)

Anyhoo, it dawned on me, New Years used to be a romantic night (see When Harry Met Sally) … so did Birthdays, Anniversaries … Saturdays. Some of those events still are, but most of those would-be enchanted evenings have been replaced with J’s travel baseball, taking Ry to the movies, and trips to an arcade and a gourmet burger joint.

I recently analyzed the not so subtle differences in what I found hot before marriage and after marriage and now it’s time to take a good hard look at the evolution of the date night. Then vs Now:
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Getting Back at the In-Laws – a Thanksgiving Tradition

happythanksgiving 2Let’s face it, sometimes in-laws can drive us crazy.  Mine love to whisper in front of me in a rather loud rendition of whisper… (among other things).

But on Thanksgiving I get them back, or should I say, “I give it back” and isn’t that the point of Thanksgiving … the giving? Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving tradition.

You see, I’m a poultry-phobe. Yes, I fear fowl, and when cooking it, I’m usually convinced that poultry is simply a bunch of salmonella clumped together in the shape of wings, breasts, turkeys etc.  You know, like the way meat was shaped for the McRib? In fact, whenever I see a picture on Facebook where someone has stupidly stuck an entire raw turkey on their head (and I’ve seen a few), I assume they are going to die. Continue reading

27 Things I Shouldn’t Admit I’m Thankful For – But I Am

27 things I thankfulYesterday, I was sent a group Facebook questions asking me to name one thing I’m thankful for that isn’t cliche or traditional. Other people tagged in the post were coming back with beautiful sentiments about new friendships, the help of strangers, and averting disasters, which in my opinion wasn’t really following the rules at all. If that’s not the traditional stuff, then what is?

I didn’t respond because everything I thought of seemed trite, superficial, and a tad less profound – even though I’m pretty sure that was the point. Whatever, facebook people who don’t follow directions.

So, I did write a list because these things totally deserve thanks in my book — just refrain from saying them around the dinner table. Continue reading

A Tale of Two Titties – Mine (A Hilarious Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tale and Reminder)

After a lump scare in my late-20′s, I learned that all lumps are not the C-word and it’s totally okay to get to 2nd base with yourself!

two tittiesLet me tell you a tale, a tale of two titties (oh, how that word makes me cringe, but it’s so much better for the pun)…

After finding a pea sized lump and getting a needle biopsy, I was told that like the several million other young women with fibrous breast tissue, I would be required to get a yearly mammogram and ultrasound.

I’d heard horrible tales of the mammogram and it’s crushing pain. I feared the impending torture and dreaded that, what little my child bearing and breastfeeding had left unscathed, would be permanently altered.

By the time my appointment had rolled around, the fear of having something less benign than a fibroid cyst had started to set in, as well.  If I can produce one kind of growth with no knowledge of it, why can’t I produce another kind?

While contemplating in the waiting room, I saw a woman, not a day under 100.  OK, if she can do this, so can I, I thought, resigned to get through this. Continue reading

5 Things Gen X-ers Did Growing Up That Our Children Just Wouldn’t Understand

5 things 80s kids did growing upI recently made a list of crazy things Gen X-ers used growing up that are completely antiquated now.

It reminded me of the conversations I would have with my older relatives when I was growing up. The ones where they would tell these fantastical tales about things my generation would never experience or understand. Like, walking 20 miles to school … in the snow … uphill … shoeless. Or running into gypsy bandits that lived in the woods near their house or even sitting around the radio to listen to their stories.

Those sagas seemed so ridiculous to me (exaggeration aside), and yet, I’m pretty confident that my tales of growing up as a Gen X-er would sound equally ridiculous to my own offspring. Yes, I imagine these are the yarns I will spin as my kids grow up and they have kids of their own.

“Well, youngin’s, you think you’ve got it tough with your Facebook and your Google and your iParaphernalia? Why, in my day, we had to …” Continue reading