Starbucks Is Like Its Own Country, And I Am Applying For Citizenship
When you walk into a Starbucks it’s a little like entering another country. Some of the language is “Italianish” and the rest is completely made up, yet universal to all citizens. When you visit Starbucks for the first time you might be overwhelmed by the cultural gap and the language barrier. You see, Starbucks drinkers have an acute understanding of this made up ordering system, the terminology, how to conjugate the verbs, and the proper phrasing of the request i.e. size first, then special requirements, then drink type.
The employees, or should I call them caffeine scientists, are trained to do far more than make a cappuccino. My barista knows the make, model, and color of my car and when he sees it drive up, he starts my drink. He deduces that if I’m wearing golf or workout clothes I will require my usual to be iced and quickly dumps it and has the appropriate drink ready by the time I hit the door. He is keenly aware of my standard approach speed and if I seem to be ambling he’ll throw in an extra shot.
But, sometimes even I am shocked by how intricate requests can get. I think some of these drinkers actually believe they have learned another language and revel in this false sense of intelligence.
Today the woman in front of me ordered a tall 2 splenda, extra dry, machiatto with extra foam, on the fly.
Extra dry? Really? “What is extra dry… just beans?”
“No, it’s more froth.”
“Didn’t she imply that when she said extra foam?”
“No the frothiness actually refers to the consistency of the foam.”
Why do I feel like I’m having a conversation with NASA? And yet, who am I to talk? I know that a standard latte is made at 160°, which would be bad enough, except that I also know that I prefer mine at 150°. My barista who also writes, Jenny from the block on every cup, actually figured this out by watching my drinking ritual. He said, “I noticed you seem to wait about 8 minutes for your coffee to cool. I think the problem is an over sensitive pallet and I suggest you drop the temp about 10 degrees. Look, this is just a hypothesis, I will investigate further.” Soon this will be something you can major in, like criminal investigation or a show, “CSI Starbucks.”
“Everyone step away from the mocha, CSI unit (Coffee Scene Investigation) is here. There is nothing to see here, please disperse. What’s seems to be the problem, ma’am?”
Disgruntled Customer: “My mocha is not rich enough, and it’s too wet. I specifically said grande, 18 pump, extra fat, mildly damp, 157° Mochachokaccino with extra whip that is dolloped in the shape of a pygmy monkey.”
The area around the cup is taped off and a bit is spilled into a petri dish and run out of the store to a mobile CSI van. The maverick of the team fearlessly swipes his finger through the java then smells and licks it, as if it’s cocaine. One more lick for good measure and an extra jolt. “Well your first problem is this is only 17 pumps. It’s also a mere 142°, which if my calculations are correct mean 7 minutes ago when it was made it was 155°, and not a degree more. Your other problem was in the call. The cashier/Mayor should know not to call a whip sculpted in the shape of anything other than the Starbuck’s mermaid goddess on our logo, who we in the biz affectionately call Flo.”
Disgruntled Customer: “Like flow of the coffee or the ocean?”
“No, like cash flow. Look, we’re gonna take this downtown to the lab, but just for the record Cappy Joe, or Cuppa Joe as we like to call him, is the best. He’ll have this coffee and a full report back to you by day’s end. Please enjoy a maximum of 2 hours free internet access in the mean time. And don’t forget to try one of our new hot breakfast sandwiches.”
February 24th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Well, you have it down pat. When I pull up to the drive through, I can tell by the voice on the other end if my Latte is going to be made as ordered or not. I should know that if the wrong person is the drive through cashier, I should get out of line and go inside. My favorite Barista knows exactly how to make my latte and thinks my order is perfect. (I learned from the best, my daughter, Jenny).
February 24th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
LOVE IT!!!!! I really got a kick out of the just beans? You know I frequent Starbucks every day at least once…and if i dare switch up my usual…they all look at me and say REALLY? i say yes…and they look at me as if i must not be feeling well. Please write more on this new country…I find all the ways people order their drinks fascinating!!!!
February 24th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I don’t like starbucks, maybe I wasn’t ordering correctly..I asked for a cup of coffee! I’m going to try the Jenny special,extra dry!!lol
February 24th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Jenny—as per usual…hysterical! I just read the last three blogs, as I have been a bit overwhelmed with work, and I can’t stop laughing! Love you girl, and I feel like I am back at UM every time I read your stories. I can actually hear your voice reading to me as though there is a voice over running through my head—uh-oh maybe this is the start of some rare terminal brain tumor, or maybe I have finally gone over the edge of sanity with no hope of ever returning. Well either way I love it!
February 24th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
My husband is a cofee afficionado. He has his Starbucks fix twice daily. He was so hooked on the stuff he actually had two heart procedures just to correct his caffine jitters. He likes to go into any local Starbucks and order some weird concoction like 2 pumps mocha (sir that’s a mocciato). “No it’s not. I want 2 pumps, 3 splemda , light ice and filler up all the way”. No matter how it;s made, he’ll correct them. “Too much ice, too little ice, not enough caffine” etc. Then just when they get his order perfect he likes to change it up just for fun!
February 24th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Since I gave up coffee a couple of years ago it took me that long to figure out what I could have that would satisfy my need for a Starbucks fix. After asking questions of the barrista every time much to the dismay of the crazy cracked out coffee freaks in line behind me…I finally came up with my new order a soy chai tea misto!!!! It even throws the barista sometimes if I am in a satellite Starbucks like in the bookstore, target or the airport. I do have to get the temp thing down though. I usually ask for a 1/2 scoop of ice in it but now I am going to investigate and find my perfect temp. Funny funny blog Jenny. Thanks…L Btw,,,the language is
Starbuckian.
February 24th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I would SO love this post if I didn’t think that Starb**** was from the pit of h e double hockey sticks…yeah, I said that. that way. I did.
Well, scratch that. I love their green tea frapps.
February 25th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Somebody once told me that the more complicated your order at Starbucks is, the bigger a-hole you are.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
February 26th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Starbucks’ willingness to create these concoctions definitely makes my life hell some days. Enough indulgence already! As a cafe owner, I would prefer to serve joe. Plain and simple. Of course since we serve mommies, we must serve lattes, and capps and now chai tea etc… I barely have room anymore with all the sugary junk I have to have on hand to please the masses. I have to admit, when I get a newbie who tries to give me a “starbuckian” style order I give em the raised eyebrow look of disdain that says “Don’t even try that here. You’ll get a hot latte that is ready when my warm hand says its ready.” It seems to work. They take their coffee like a (wo)man, OR they ask me to google the nearest Starbucks for them, and could I please print that out, and call them a cab, and help them carry out their laptop.
I take drip, 2 sugars, cream
February 26th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Oh, this is hilarious! I’m going to link to this from my new coffee blog (forloveofcoffee.com). I don’t have a Starbucks in my town, but I’m not opposed to anything with “mocha” in the title, that’s for sure! Other than that, when I do make it to the next town over, I have to stand in front of the menu a while trying to figure out exactly which coffee I want to order and try. I’m too indecisive. Love me some coffee.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
exactly why i get my no-frills, delicious coffee from dunkin donuts!!! LOL!!!
February 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
As an aside: That should be “its own country,” not “it’s own country.”
“It’s” = “it is.” “Its” is the possessive pronoun.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I have this theory, see, that correlates how high-maintenance you are to the number of things you add on to your order. Using this theory, I can pretty much tell that the person who orders a Venti Soy Latte Cappuccino with 3 shots of Expresso is way more trouble than someone like me, who just orders Venti Coffee of the Day leave room for milk. And actually, I almost never say “leave room for milk” because they forget to do it anyway, so I just dump an inch or two when I get over to the coffee station.
And before you ask, yes, my scale is logarithmic, just like the richter scale, so every additional option makes you 10x more high maintenance.
Of course, that being said, my wife is high maintenance, and that’s what I love about her.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I saw a link to this blog from the Linked In Editors and Writers group. This was hilarious! Can’t wait for CSI Starbucks to debut on USA Network…since they’re character approved and all.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
This was classic! Love it! I am a citizen of Starbucks and I would love for you to join us permanently! Don’t worry, we are friendly and will help you along…at least I would anyway…can’t speak for all of us, right. As a fellow writer, I must say, LOVE your writing! This was a great post glad you shared it on LinkedIn…or I may not have found it! Hope to see you around the blogopsphere!
February 27th, 2009 at 4:32 am
So, I found your site today – and I think I’m in love. I’ve read like 12 of your posts. You and I have a similar writing voice….except I think you’re actually funnier than I am. And I oscilate between funny and serious.
Either way – I’m in love. Too bad you’re married.
(…that was a joke. I’m straight. But maybe you’re blog and my blog could be in love. I’m ok with that.)
February 27th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I am a certified* Starbucks translator with 6 years of experience. I have taken numerous workshops and attended many classes following graduation from the University of Java. I am willing to travel and would consider relocation. References available upon request.
*certified or certifiable, I get those confused.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
ALL HAIL THE CORPORATION. TELL ME WHAT TO THINK AND DRINK
February 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Awesome post!
I am boring though, because my drink is a grande non-fat latte.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Naturally, the quality of service rendered at Starbucks is dependent upon flirting potential.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
there are the citizens of Starbucks Nation and there are NCDAs (non-coffee drinking Americans).
we NCDAs are a minority group that are a little wealthier and have a little more free time, simply by never visiting their neighborhod barista or learning the Frantalian spoken within Starbuk Nation.
i may be half-asleep until noon, but i remain a proud NCDA!!!
February 28th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
[...] Comment! this is one of the funniest blogs I have read, especially as I am a Starbucks fan and regular(ish) visitor. I just love the feel of going for a ‘Starbucks‘. [...]
March 1st, 2009 at 3:38 am
The baristas at the Starbucks I regularly visit know I’m pretty habitual, and they often have my drink ready by the time I hit the counter.
One thing interests me is the interaction with baristas outside the shop, like when I run into them on the street. Some will say hello and even engage in conversation, while others will work hard to avoid all eye contact.
I don’t blame the latter group at all. If I worked with customers, I’m not sure I’d want to feel obligated to be friendly outside of the workplace. I do find it entertaining, though, when I see one of them do that pretty obvious head turn to avoid me.
Rich
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
A black coffee drinker since my early teens, I quickly got on the Starbucks cool-music-in-the background bandwagon when it came to NYC in the late 90’s. It was a great library-come-coffee shop alternative to the dubious dishwater-in-the-rarely-washed urn of the coffee shops, diner-dives and greasy spoons once ubiquitous in the city.
I got my undergraduate degree in Starbucks and passed the bar in Starbucks. The manager of my then local store pressed me daily for a news flash on whether or not I had passed.
“Tall bold, no room” I would ask.
“Any news?” She would respond.
When I relocated to Florida, I found my nearest Starbucks before I found the grocery. With the warm weather, my “tall bold” morphed into a grande unsweetened iced black iced coffee, no room.
It was all great and friendly and tasty and nice, and just like home, only with a palm tree in the parking lot until I decided to take a part-time job there ( I never did practice law); until I read the ingredients in the frapuccino mix, until I was forced to sit through numerous coffee “tastings,” until I found myself standing around waving the aroma of a coffee into my nostrils, gurgling it around in mouth and writing down my impressions as if we were discussing a bottle of precious wine. It was all too silly, too pretentious and was totally killing my little corner of comfort with over familiarity.
Although I must say, I loved my hat and apron, and was pained when I had to return it.
But, it has never been the same.
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I found your site through the University of Miami group on LinkedIn, and I must say that I am quite amused. You certainly have a knack for writing. Keep up the good work and perhaps I’ll have to stop by more often!
~Kendra