Seriously No One Was Going to Warn Me About the Probe?!

Seriously? No one was gonna tell me about the probe portion?

So today, I ended a friendship. A 20 year friendship that started with drinking late nights at on campus bars and toddling half coherent back to a dorm room located somewhere one should be able to walk to — (if only our knees would cooperate). A friendship based on years of learning to be adults (or feigning such) of boyfriends and husbands and children and Bar Mitzvahs. Well, you get the picture.

So why would I let such a deep and meaningful relationship go? Because she didn’t warn me about the an@l probe! Sure, we all say that phrase a lot as in: “I’d bet an an@l probe on it.” Or “A bird in the hand is worth two an@l probes in the… (well you know how that ends)” or the ever popular: “One day if you go to a doctor that I recommend to you for a procedure that I’ve already done and I forget to tell you an an@l probe is involved, you can totally end this friendship, I’ll understand.” You say those things in passing and you never realize that one day you may actually mean them.

Well, today is the day. I just left workout 1 of vaginal therapy (see What’s a Little Peeing in Your Pants Between Friends for more on that) and wow was it an eye-popper. OK, remember how I said in the article referenced above that I was going to get my prolapsed vajayjay in fighting shape to avoid hysterectomy and also so that I could enter it in contests and beat other vaginas at things like “the car pull” or the “diaphragm toss?” well, I wasn’t kidding. This vaginal therapy is hardcore, but hardcore what? is the question.

Me to technician: How come no one alerted me about the an@l probe?

Tech: We don’t like to scare people off.

Me: Awesome. So, basically it’s a surprise an@l probe not unlike a prison rape scene?

Tech: You can forgo the probe, but it’s the only way to tell if you’re doing the Kegels properly and what your muscle level is and whether you’re making progress and how much therapy you’ll need, if you can fix it, how many grandchildren you’ll have, your IQ…

Me: Fine. (Moon Riverrrrr)

And as it turns out, so says the probe — I am the worst Kegeler like ever. I might as well be Kegeling my eyeballs for all the good my crappy Kegels are doing. Also, I will have 6 grandchildren, and I can freakin’ join Mensa.

As for my ex-bestie Tracey… She swears there were no probes involved in her therapy. She feels if it happened she must have repressed it (like I did much of my childhood -see My Most Embarrasing 80’s Moment for more on that).

I infromed her that she was a liar as one couldn’t have repressed such a memory because it’s the kind of thing you never forget.  If that weren’t the case you wouldn’t hear so many people who were abducted by aliens complaining about it. (And that’s sound logic.)

So, I hate you Tracey lose my number (you know where you can stick it)!

*I’m sure you’ve noticed I changed the spelling and that is because the last people I want finding this article are those that are searching that term!  Oh, and aliens (they never share or comment).

PS- I’m gonna be on the Today Show Friday (I will try not to mention my vajayjay)!!!!  Filming tomorrow, please TiVo the 10 o’clock hour (unless I tell you tomorrow to make yourself super busy during that hour and forget that I mentioned it)

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Lego image via DibyGraham/Card by Jenny From the Blog

17 thoughts on “Seriously No One Was Going to Warn Me About the Probe?!

  1. PinotNinja

    WHAT?! Who would forget a probing? I think Tracy just manipulated you into joining her probe club so that she won’t be the only member. And she knows you’ll have to come crawling back because you don’t want to be the only member of your own probe club.

    All of this begs the question, which is worse, a probe or a future of wearing Depends (for active adults)? Because that’s something that you’ll need to answer before your next therapy session. There is no obvious choice.
    PinotNinja recently posted…Free Champagne is a Helluva DrugMy Profile

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  2. Jenny from the blog Post author

    You’re RIGHT!!!! Of all the nerve and to think I was beginning to believe her. She’s always trying to make me join in on things, but this … the next time I see her I will pee on her. I think it’s the appropriate response to this situation. Also works on jellyfish stings and people who don’t move fast enough in the grocery story line. YOU WILL NOT READ THE ENQUIRER WHILE I WAIT!

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  3. Mom off meth

    Changing the term is genius!! I can finally understand why so much porn gets directed to my site. Hmmm…

    Good luck on the Today show! That is like a dream come true for me. Tell them I said “hi” and that I can talk about all kinds of shit for their show if they want. I even have a place to stay in Brooklyn AND I will take the train out, so I’m a cheap date. But I have to lose weight first, so tell them to wait until August. Thanks!!
    Mom off meth recently posted…Let’s make sure they knowMy Profile

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  4. Stacey F

    Welcome to the club! Wait until you have to have a spincter repair surgery (joys of having children). That was a whole new world of probing. Not my fondest memory.

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  5. MeglyMc

    I would like to judge her for not telling you, but I once held out on a male friend, and didn’t tell him about “the swab” they were going to do, when he got STD testing. In my defense…he slept with everyone in town, so he was due for a rude awakening.
    MeglyMc recently posted…DNA is a crafty bastardMy Profile

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  6. Tressa

    Really? When I changed Gyn’s to deal with a problem he was all like “if your V isn’t working, let’s check on your A.” I didn’t even have time to squeak. Sneaky bastard. Of course, if anyone would have told me that was gonna happen it may have taken me longer to go in… I suppose I will continue to keep mum about it just to save lives.

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  7. Emily

    I was JUST having a conversation about fixing vajayjays the other day…I am SO telling my friends about this therapy you are doing — who knew? As for the probe, well, I’m not sure I’ll mention it either, although I know my friends would do anything to fix their vajayjays. Very excited you are going to be on Today !!

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  8. Amy

    The year I turned 40, I went in for my yearly exam at the gyno, and it was me, the doctor and the nurse in the room. My doctor was looking at my chart and realized that I had turned 40, and turned to her nurse and said, “Amy turned 40 this year!” in a very bright voice. Her nurse Vicki started singing, “Welcome to your for-ties, welcome to your for-ties” and doing a little dance. While I was distracted by Vicki, yep, my doctor stuck one finger up my bottom to do the probe. I’d never had one before, and NO ONE told me that that particular fun started at 40!!! No dinner first, no foreplay, just straight for the probe. I’m still peeved at my older friends. But, I’m not going to lie, I haven’t been completely forthcoming with all of my younger friends, either. I’d hate for them to quit going to the doctor because of that.

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