Can a Nice Jewish Girl Sit on Santa’s Lap Without Being a Ho Ho Ho?
I’m not gonna throw myself under the bus and call my children spoiled, as I would have only myself to blame. I will say, however, they have an extreme sense of entitlement, which I am sure has little to do with them being lavished with gifts undeservedly. My children want everything they see, hear about, could get as a party favor, could find in a McDonalds happy meal, a cereal box, a piñata, or view in a commercial.
“Mommy can I have that? Will you buy me that? Mommy friends neighbor has that. I want that. When can I have that? Mommy? Ma? Maaaaaaaa? MOM! This exchange of words usually ends with, “If you mention it again, the answer will be never.” “Never? I can’t even have a Clone Trooper Voice Changer Helmet when I’m 25?” “Sure. If you still want a Clone Trooper Voice Changer Helmet at 25, you can wear it to therapy.”
“How about I get it for my next birthday, or maybe Kwanzaa?” My son is already eyeing a camouflage pencil set for Secretaries Day, and has informed me that, although we are Jewish, he will be giving up vegetables for Lent.
My children’s Chanukah wish lists are so comprehensive, I may be forced to explore alternative channels in my gift search. Consequently, I have sent a friendly letter asking someone who has slighted me in the past for help. Some might say it’s more of a formal accusation, but really it’s just a hand delivered note that needs to be notarized and signed on receipt. It goes:
Dear Santa,
I have never complained about you forgetting us Jews in the past, but times are tough. I mean, I don’t want to threaten you or anything, but let’s talk religious profiling, shall we? I’m sure the fact that we don’t believe in you has something to do with you snubbing us year after year. Do we, a people known to produce a whiner or two, complain? No, some of us, me included have made an effort to believe. Let us not forget Christmas of 83’ when I sat on your lap asking for a Speak N’ Spell, a Magic Eight Ball, and Shawn Cassidy’s “Da Doo Ron Ron” 45. I have a laminated picture from Macy’s to prove it.
Do you not bombard us with your festive songs and holiday movies made with delightfully animated reindeer and elves? Do Jews get to go a-caroling? No, we have one song… about kids gambling. Has Dreidel ever starred in a delightfully animated holiday movie? Has Snoopy, or Barbie, or a single Disney character ever lit a Menorah? Maybe in the privacy of their own homes, but certainly never on camera (it’s in their contracts.) We’re okay with that, because we wrote those contracts. Sure, we take advantage of your sales and vacations. We watch your shows, and sing your catchy songs. We’ll decorate a tree with blue and white twinkle lights, top it with a six pointed star, and call it a Chanukah bush.
Santa, my Roth IRA is down 40%. I deserve a little holiday cheer. You can look me up, I’ve been nice, and I’d like to keep it that way. My daughter wishes to receive the “true to life” –and possibly poisonous– Zhu Zhu pets. She would also like the “now true to life on the streets” Bratz Doll, which comes complete with Brazilian waxing kit and requisite diaphragm.
My son “just has to have” the new Guitar Hero “I Choked on My Own Vomit Tour,” a super Bakugan the size of his head, and some alone time with my daughter’s Bratz doll. I will forward you the unabridged version via zip file. I look forward to us all getting along!
Sincerely,
Frustrated Jewish Mom
P.S. I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. I didn’t mean to sound so hostile. Santa, just tell me what a girl’s gotta do to get some Christian love? I can be naughty if necessary (wink, wink).
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
December 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Laugh-out-loud funny!
December 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
wow Jenny, how did you fit so many great gag lines into one little post? did you work on this one all year, like my Mom did shopping in January for the next Christmas? I do know some Jewish people, I even have some of them as friends! So i’m sending this post along to them as I’m pretty sure they will feel very relieved that finally someone is addressing a long neglected slight- even hand delivering it!
Thanks for the morning guffaw!
December 16th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
great post. i needed to laugh today. thank you for that. i am not religious, halloween is my fav holiday, but had to sit through my kid’s christmas program at school earlier today. his grade level sang 7 songs about the lord and christmas. if i wasn’t behind the camera, i would have been chillin’ on facebook. i still don’t understand the meaning of christmas, but i play along since i’m married to a preacher’s son. i understand your angst with all the attention christians get this time of year. i guess my friends who are half jewish are the lucky ones since they get to experience both. santa won’t be visiting us this year anyway. my son and hubs have been super naughty. my roth is also down, like, by half. if only we had been nicer this year, santa would be helping me out, too.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Very very funny. One line wittier than the last! Some kids get older and grow out of their narcissistic demands. Others don’t. Don’t worry. I could be a good example. This year I wanted a new Sport Car, new boat and Jet Ski. I got a sweater. I’m not complaining, but, next year I want a Sport Car and New boat. See, I dropped the Jet Ski. I must be maturing. Gotta stop, my Therapist is calling me in. Merry Christmas.
December 16th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I totally get the “Christmas jealousy” thing. When I was
a kid my neighbor had a whole “electric train city” under
his tree. It was sooo magical. But then he had to eat
lard sandwiches for lunch… I couldn’t stomach that. So
I learned to appreciate the simplicity of the Hanuka lights .
December 16th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
always enjoy your writing. but the most ironic thing: that nice boy jesus was jewish!
as i read your post, i’m thinking to myself that between my big nose and a name like rachel burckardt, i wonder if i could pass as a nice jewish girl. but raised by a single irish mom, i got to celebrate chrismas and the lights and the songs and those underserved gifts under the tree. sometimes i feel a little down about all this chrismas fuss, there’s something that’s not right about it but i can put it in words…..maybe we should trade for a year….you can get my presents and i could enjoy a more peaceful season without all the fuss!
ps — did you know that nice jewish boy, jesus, was really born in september? the ultimate irony is that with this whopla, it’s not even his real birthday! i can see him sitting up there in heaven, next to his jewish dad, looking down on this december commercialism, slapping his forehead and saying “oy vey!”
December 18th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
From a Jewish Grandmother’s POV: your title hooked me, your comments made me laugh and your writing style engaged my imagination. Thank you for your humorous Chanukkah gift. Now, I’m off to back Chanukkah cookies with my granddaughter. The yummy recipe is on my blog http://tiny.cc/fJdEG if you are interested in sharing a holiday treat with your children and Santa.
Sheila
December 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
This was great. I do remember the Santa picture, I think I had one in my wallet for years. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like my gentile friends and get Christmas gifts also, I evern hung a stocking on our fake fireplace. My father, the ultimate Jew, thought he was very funny by putting a mouse trap inside (not triggered though). I do understand what it’s like to have your kids ask for everything they see and your grandchildren…but that’s what the holidays are about. right. I do think that we actually got the better end of the deal when it comes to gifts. We celebrate for 8 days, Christmas is only one day.
December 18th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Gurrrrrl, you are insane; with a serious dark side!
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Jenny – if you want Santa to visit you’ve got to wash off the Lamb’s blood that has been on your doorpost since Passover.
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Where do I start? Loved it. Needed the laugh.
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
As a nice Jewish girl from TX–I’m so grateful to my Christmas celebrating friend for sending this along to me. Laugh Out Loud Funny! True, I may not be the best commentator–I am known among my Jewish friends as a bit scrooge like–but, maybe it’s all those years of being “forgotten by Santa?”
Seriously, thanks for the laugh! Enjoy your Chinese Food & A Movie and Happy New Year!
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
LOL – now THAT’S the Christmas spirit!
December 28th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
You are funny! I am sure I have thought these things myself…even my tree is decorated in blue and white and silver! I will definitely be reading more!
December 29th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Dude, sorry…I can’t stop staring at the um, elf…
See, I need that outfit…it’s perfect because it will hide my flawed areas, which are my cankles…
Sigh.
December 29th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Hi Jenny!
That was just so, so funny! You are quite a talent!
Maybe you need to do some research and see why Jewish people don’t believe in Santa. He’s not a religious symbol, just one of giving and kindness. Maybe you could start a petition or something to have Jews agree to celebrating Santa!
I can’t imagine my life without him!
Alison
December 30th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Nice to have you Loren, I hope you enjoy and pass me on to friends!
December 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Glad to hear it, please visit often and send the link to your friends!
December 30th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Why didn’t I think of that? Damn Lambs blood, I never know what to do with it.
December 30th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
We’ll discuss my dark side on the show!
December 30th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Thanks for reading and for sharing your yummy recipe! I hope you come back soon.