Phantom Rings
Why do I always sense that when I’m doing something loud, like vacuuming or drying my hair, I’m missing something in the background? In high school and college, I was sure that the phone was ringing. Drying my hair would take an extra 20 minutes due to my constant “turn-off checks.” I just knew I was missing the call of some hot diver or frat party invite. Well, as it later turned out, the divers were all gay and the frat parties… well, they were fun. That’s where I hooked up with the divers before they “came out”.
Anyway, in my adult life I am not so concerned with phone calls, as most of them are soliciting me to get direct TV or refinance my mortgage. Now when I am doing something loud, it is my screaming children I hear. Sadly, I am often right, but thankfully they are rarely in a state of emergency. They are usually fighting, teasing, whining, or just yelling loud enough to ensure that I don’t finish any task uninterrupted. You know, to keep me on my toes.
Sometimes I am tempted to turn things on for a moment of peace. I’ve found that running the blender, in tandem with the espresso machine, makes a soothing clamor, not unlike the sound of Enya.
This morning I was brushing my teeth, which takes two minutes. I know this because I use a Sonicare which requires I spend 30 seconds on each quadrant… and I diligently do. In that two minute span my son called me 11 times… I counted. “Mom…MOM….MOOOOOMMMM….MOMMY!”
“WHAT!” Actually, it was “HAWHHHAAT,” I had toothpaste in my mouth.
“Ryan…blah …blah… blah…room,” was all I could make out over the toothbrush vibrating in my skull. Since I could tell by the tone of his complaint that there was no bloodshed, I continued brushing. Clearly, I couldn’t restart the Sonicare because it would throw off my whole quadrant thing. Thus, I could be brushing for more than the allotted two minutes potentially giving extra attention my lower left side.
“HWAAAHAT!”
“Blah…Blah…My Room!”
Got it, Ryan won’t get out of your room. You keep asking her and she is standing firm, probably teasing or spitting at you. Saying something like, “Jake, I spit at your room ‘cause you’re being mean to me!”
AHHH fresh breath, this may be the only two minutes I get for personal hygiene all day.
“What’s the problem?”
“Ryan won’t leave and it’s my room and I want some privacy!”
I look at Ryan, standing at the door to their connecting bathroom, spitting on Jake’s carpet.
“Jake, do you know any divers?”
September 16th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I know those divers!!!! Gotta love UM. It’s funny, with age how the phone went from super exciting to all out sucky. You rock sister.
Tray
September 16th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
So true!!
The phone ringing used to be exciting–now, not so much……
But, still, to this day——i believe the phone is ringing while i am drying my hair–that is once again, an example of how u have this incredible ability to take our everyday task, chore or activity and turn it into a few moments of purely enjoyable reading…looking forward to the next!!!!!!!! OMG—Jake and Ryan are going to have a fan club……..people from all over are going to want to meet them(and u of course!!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
your biggest fan!!!!!:)
September 16th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
My hair dries the natural way, in Seattle, takes about 2 hours. I don’t have the phone problem.
But i do hear a crowd cheering when the bath water is running.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
A funny story about that ringing phone…..I WAS vacuuming – really and I thought I heard the phone ring (back when I cared). So, I turn the big sucking machine off and pick up the phone….dialtone. Odd, I thought. I resumed my domestic engineer duties and about 15 seconds into the gig I thought I heard the phone ring again. Repeat the entire process – machine off, pick up phone…dial tone. Ok – this was crazy – why was someone calling and hanging up on me!!!??? I did this I SWEAR a THIRD time before I realized it was my big silver star shapped earrings with all the Texas bling they could handle (like a cowboy boot, a stirrup, a cowboy hat) hanging off each one that was jingle-ingle-inging every time I made a swoosh across the carpet. Yes…I’m also blonde. Just hush.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:59 am
the hair dryer telephone thing is classic. I was always worried about missing stuff – now I would use the hair dryer just so I CAN miss stuff. I rarely even answer the phone – unless whoever is on the other line is someone I can answer the phone: “yeah?”. Maybe THAT’S why no one calls me anymore….
BTW – they were closet? Damn! No wonder they were so hot!
September 19th, 2008 at 10:46 am
totally relate – great, funny blog! it’s amazing, how as parents, you always think you’re hearing things even when you’re not – most typical for me is that i think i hear the baby crying in the night thru the monitor, and it’s rarely the case, but i still wake up…lovely.