What Those V-Day Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage Edition

What Sweetheart Candies SHOULD Say After a Few Years of MarriageI’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing.   Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.






R THOSE UR TOENAILS? Continue reading

You Don’t Allow Your Daughter to Play With Barbie Dolls — Seriously?

IMG_0513The other day, my 10yo daughter, Ry asked me to convince her friend’s mom to let her have Barbie dolls. “I’m so lucky to have a mom like you that will play Barbies with me and doesn’t make me feel stupid or too old, like some of my other friend’s moms,” Ry explained.

Really? I hadn’t realized this was an actual issue. Sure, I’ve heard tales of parents being offended by Continue reading

Things Gen X ers Did Growing Up That Would Being Considered Insane Now

things we did as gen xers

Growing up a Gen X ‘er, I can distinctly recall being allowed to do all kinds of things we would find crazy today. Like roaming the streets of our neighborhood for hours with no way of being contacted. No cell phones, or tracking devices on our backpacks or implanted in our brains (do they have that yet?). Nowadays they’d call that grounds for a CPS visit, back then, we called that Monday. Not only were our parents OK with these freedoms, they encouraged them. Did they not love us? Did they not care? Were they that hard up for a few minutes of peace that they would risk our lives?

Most the adults I know now would be vehemently against such insane acts, myself included. In fact, being unreachable by cell phone could push us straight into panic mode. Here are a few things we did as kids, which make me wonder how we survived. Today they’d get someone arrested or at least get your house taken off the play-date circuit…

Safety Shmafety

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30 Signs You Are NOT a Parent of a Young Child

30 signs you are not a parentAfter my “40 Signs You’re a Mom” list got such an incredible response, it dawned on me that those folks who have kids that are older, don’t have kids yet or don’t want them, have some pretty distinctive signifier of their own. Certain qualities/abilities that give us parents of young ones a chuckle at the mere thought of, like, not finding it triumphant to have an uninterrupted visit to the bathroom.

Here are some of the signs:

1. People still call you by your actual name.

2. You don’t have to look at anyone else’s poop.

3. You don’t sneak vegetables into your recipes like meatloaf, smoothies, brownies — you just eat them.

4. You don’t go to bed wondering how many times you’ll be woken up before morning.

5. Your house is clean. Continue reading

Kids with Attitudes are the So Fun: Random Conversations

New hair cut

Hairdresser having just cut and blown it out. It’s not bad, right?

The other day I got a haircut. Ry (my 10yo daughter) got in the car and simply said, “hair cut.” In a robotic, I see you got one, so I’m making an effort, but this conversation shall go no further, because I’m pretty much a teenager already, kinda way.

Me: Human child. (I said robotically, pointing out the obvious, in kind.)
She picked up her iTouch and disengaged.

Me: What, you don’t like it?

Ry: Nope, I hate it. *looks back at iTouch*

Me: I always tell you not to say mean stuff.

Ry: Yeah, you also  tell me if I don’t have something nice to say, not to say anything at all, which is what I was trying to do. (There was no, “duh” at the end, but it was implied.)


Me: For your information, my hair hates you too. (I said in an effort to have a convo one of the other personalities in my little “Sybil,” which they all become somewhere around 3 years old.)
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Do I Win Neurotic Mom of the Year or Would This Make You Insane Too?

Yes, I have problems sitting on the “sick side” of the pediatrician’s office. Yes, I assume the person before me at every restaurant, arcade, amusement park, and grocery store shopping cart has picked their nose and wiped it somewhere within reach. Yes, I’ve experienced the catch 22 where I want all tables wiped down before I’m seated, but have also convinced myself that the germs spread from those over used rags are far worse than the left over food residue that currently contaminates the space.

I’m neurotic. I get it, but am I the only one?

I think not. After talking to a few friends about poultry, my worst phobia, I realize that I’m a member of a very large crowd. A very large, very disturbed crowd.

Neurotic MomThen I met the Bubble attraction, Continue reading

My Daughter’s New Year’s Resolutions – I’m So Proud

IMG_7212 To ring in the New Year I asked my children what their New Years Resolutions would be and Ry’s was three things: 1. Get more of those comfy sweats made of that stuffed animal like material. 2. Play with dolls more. 3. Be more charitable.

I’m not quite sure if she totally understands the whole New Years Resolutions thing, as the first two seemed a bit more self-serving, but the third more than made up for any lack of understanding. In fact, hearing her utter the third, gave me chills. You see, over the holidays, Continue reading