My dog, Tanner is an Australian Shepherd, which means he’s capable of helping around the house. Well, if you’ve ever seen one of those shows about breeds, you would know, Aussies can be trained to do almost anything (which is the sole reason I chose him). I was pretty sure getting him would be like having a full time cleaning person. Continue reading
The other day, I was in a cosmetics store and asked the girl working there what product she would recommend from a new line they were featuring. Now, I say girl because frankly, she was fresh faced, cute as a button, perfectly tanned, toned, and wrinkle free. (All the things I no longer am.)
Girl: “Well, Ma’am…”
(Ma’am? Ugh, we’re already starting off on the wrong foot.)
“… I’m totes LOV-ING these facial towlettes, because like, you know when you get home and you’re so exhausted after a late night of partying or whatever and you just can’t make it to the bathroom to wash-up? You can just keep these by the bed and you’re done.”
My Response: Continue reading
OK, in case I haven’t mentioned it, which I’m pretty sure I have, I’m obsessed with blended health drinks. I have the NutriBullet, but when I said I was obsessed with my Bullet people got the idea that I was referring to something I carried in my purse that may or may not embarrassingly start buzzing at an inopportune moment. Of course when I added the Ninja, it just sounded like I’d graduated to BDSM.
So, I will never refer to a blender/juicer by name again, unless I get a masticating juicer (that’s just fun to say). Anyhoo, now that I’m have the anti-aging (A Gen Xers Guide To Looking Young So When You Lie About Your Age People Believe You) column for SmartBeautyGuide.com, I decided to make some smoothies that are aimed at healthy younger looking skin, weight and the aging process specifically … if I can get younger through a glass, I’m all for heavy drinking. Wait, that didn’t come out right either (so far in this piece I’ve come off like a perverted alcoholic … oh, well).
Here are 3 of my favorite anti aging smoothie recipes, and I even made a chart so you can make your own smoothies based on the foods you like and what each food is good for (beauty and anti-aging wise.) I know, that was awesome of me because you can’t find a chart like this ANYWHERE (I TRIED).
“Ma’am, please leave your bra in your shirt.” Those were the words just barked at me, in total seriousness, by a clerk at Kohl’s in one of my more embarrassing moments.
Let’s go back about 15 minutes, so that I can defend myself. I ran into Kohl’s to use their bathroom and when I walked out, my cute little Natori bra with the clear elastic across the middle (for lower cut shirts) split in half.
I’m in a white button down, about to meet a possible client and showing nipple is tactic I like to reserve for my 3rd meeting. Sooo, I grabbed a bra and walked into the bathroom with it, when a clerk yelled:
“Ma’am did you not read the sign? NO merchandise in the bathroom.”
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t. See my bra just broke and I was going to throw this one on and then come out with the tags to pay you.
Clerk: Well, how would I know you just weren’t gonna steal it?
Me: I guess you wouldn’t, know that (though I felt I was looking pretty cute in my outfit, not at all crook-like … which is what Continue reading
You know how there are certain phrases you’ve said to your children, that upon reflection, you can’t believe actually came out of your mouth?
Last week, I had to ask my 12 yo son, J to “stop smelling the cat” and there was a time I explained to my daughter Ry, that “the balls boys have are not the same as the little balls on your tongue,” (may we never discuss balls on her tongue again) and just a couple weeks ago I had to explain motorboating to my tween son (with an audio and quasi visual demonstration), so that he could keep up with the middle school cafeteria banter.
As parents, we’ve all had to turn some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. The question is, have we, the parents, gone bat shit crazy for uttering these words, or is it our children who are certifiable, for doing things that require us to speak them?
Here are some of the weirdest things I’ve had to say to my children over the years (I surprise myself daily), plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans, who never disappoint.
1. “You can have a favorite shirt, but you’re not allowed to have a favorite pair of underwear.”
2. “Gum you find under tables is NOT ‘free’ gum.”
3. “I don’t care how much she annoys you, your sister is not for sale.”
4. “Please stop riding the dog.”
5. “You cannot charge your friends at school for massages. And please stop massaging people at school.” Continue reading
My hair, which was never more than baby fine to begin with, started to fall out as soon as I stopped breast feeding. Yes, when everyone else was losing their hair after giving birth, I was mocking them with my luxurious locks and my big engorged boobies. Of course they got theirs – my boobs and locks that is. The tatas deflated and the follicles ran for the hills, well, my drain.
Now, as I’m getting older, my hair seems to be thinning out even more. This is why I’ve become obsessed with making my hair thicker and also keeping it in my head. It’s also why I’m debunking all the hair myths I’ve fallen for over the years, because frankly, I don’t have time to crack raw eggs on my head and mix them with mayo on a daily basis. To me, that’s egg salad, and it should stay between two pieces of bread. Continue reading
Girls have so very many moods and personalities, which come and go faster than SnapChat photos. Yep, they’re like a box of chocolates, You never know wh… (I know, I just referenced Sybil, Forest Gump, and Snapchat – that’s a vast range of pop culture knowledge… we Gen Xers are impressive like that.)
Moving on… today, I got a haircut. Ry (my little girl, who is 9) got in the car and simply said, “hair cut.” In a robotic, I see you got one, so I’m making an effort, but this conversation shall go no further, because I’m pretty much a teenager already, kinda way.
Me: Human child. (I said, pointing out the obvious, in kind.)
She picked up her iTouch and disengaged. She’s too cool for this talk, and her roller coaster on Minecraft awaits.
Me: What, you don’t like it?
Ry: Nope, I hate it. *looks back at iTouch*
Me: I always tell you not to say mean stuff.
Ry: Yeah, you tell me if I don’t have something nice to say, not to say anything at all, which is what I was trying to do. (There was no, “duh” at the end, but it was implied.)
Me: For your information, my hair hates you too. (I said, in an effort to have a conversation with one of the other personalities in my little “Sybil,” which they all turn into somewhere around 3 years old.)
Then I made a crying sound. (Oh, I do not relent.)
Ry: Really Mom?
Me: It’s not me … it’s Hair. You don’t care that Hair is sad? Well, my hair will never talk to you again.
Ry: K (She said, in the way I imagine Miley talked to Billy Ray when he would threaten to take away her allowance if she didn’t clean your room. Actually, that conversation may have been the other way around, but you get the point.)
Me: What? What did you say?
Ry: Nothing momm…
Me: Shhhh shhh, I can’t hear Hair, she’s whispering… No, I don’t know what happens when a curling iron, a flat iron, and a crimping iron walk into a blowdry bar??? *pause … then huge laughter and knee slapping*
Ry: (laughing just a little) Stop Mom, you’re so weird.
Me: You’re right Hair, that was the funniest joke I’ve ever heard. *laughter laughter*
Me: Are you serious Hair? Did they arrest her?
Me: Yeah, I know a bail bondsman.
Ry: Mom, please stop.
NEVER… I’m on a roll, plus this is the most interesting conversation I’ve had all day.
Me: Who said, ‘please stop’? Oh Ry, you’re still in the car? I totally forgot, I was so enthralled by Hair… She’s hilarious. *pause* I’m sorry, “hair-larious.” Hair just told me to say that.
Ry: That was so corny.
Me: Hair, knows. She says, she was being ironic by saying something corny because you will never get to see the true depth of her humor.
Ry: Mom, you’re ruining my brain.
(She really said that.)
Me: Fine, no more hair talk.
Ry: No, keep doing it… What is Hair saying now?
Yep, raising a girl can be tough. Sometimes you have to pull the person you want to hang with out of them, yourself — and have an iron will while trying, because it can take time, effort, creativity and the ability to do impressions and accents.
PLEASE TAKE A SEC TO SHARE THIS WITH THE MOMS OF GIRLS IN YOUR LIFE AND