Below, is a story that started on my Facebook Fan Page this week. Frankly, I’m not sure how it went where it did or how we all sunk to this level, but we did … and it was fun.
Thursday is my free morning – by that I mean my husband works from home — and because he loves me — he makes the kids’ lunches and breakfast, so that I can get an extra hour of sleep. However, it never quite works out that way… He often wakes me to ask what the kids eat (though he’s been doing this every thursday for years), or what fruit to serve with breakfast or something like this …
Mark: We don’t have any bread, what should I make the kids for lunch?
Me, groggy and annoyed to be asked this question: Yes, we do have bread, so make a sandwich.
Mark: No we don’t, I looked.
Me: Well, we did last night and I bet it’s not gone. Are you gonna make me get up to show you.
Fun fact: This is an old post that I took down because I got so much flack for being such a horrible wife. Now, 3 years later, I’m over 40 and frankly don’t care if you people think I’m a horrible wife. Also, if I’m being honest, we all have our meltdowns and our horrible wife moments, if you don’t than you probably shouldn’t be at this particular site. PS you know who really thought this post was funny, my husband.
We all have those little things that irk us about our spouses. Some women tell me that their husbands are too involved in every little decision around the house, making buying a new chair harder than getting your toddler to try broccoli. Some women tell me their spouse’s are so tight with money that they can’t buy a ribbed tank without a budget discussion. Well, neither of those are Mark. For the most part he’s hands off when it comes to decisions and purchases (yay for me). No, mine is an obstinate man with a desire to do everything in the easiest quickest way… with little remorse to boot.
Yesterday while dropping my son at a friend’s house he decided to tailgate the guy in front of him to get through the guard gate. G-d forbid he waits in the line like an average Joe. No, he has places to go and people to see. BTW I, (nagging wife) have warned him that this habit would end in damage to his car. To which he has assured me the gates will stay open for him. I mean don’t they know who he is?!? Hello?Continue reading →
Last weekend was my first time dealing with lice. I say first time, not because I’m expecting more, but to justify the level of manic lunacy that ensued. Look, I’m not proud of the series of events that unfolded or how I handled them, but I bet I’m not the only mom who’s lost sanity over those little buggers.
Being the neurotic person that I am, I spent the first twenty minutes trying to convince the mom who found said lice that she was certifiable and that no child of mine would EVER bring such an unseemly infestation into my home. Her child had lice the week before and she explained that she noticed my daughter itching her head, which she thought warranted further investigation. Then “the mom” all but put a nit (lice egg sac) in my cornea and I still claimed not to see it.
Crap, it’s 7PM on a Saturday night, my daughter is now crying over her lost sleepover. And I’m pretty sure there’s no place or person available to rob me blind and comb out the lice/rid my house of them, in return!
This is when I made the shift from being your run of the mill mildly annoying naggy wife to a “we will get a fucking divorce if you don’t listen to my insane rantings and follow my orders to a T” wife. Continue reading →
This post is gonna have to be filed under: Brilliant ideas I have to make life easier for everyone! or maybe my Norma Rae moment. Wait, did you not get that reference? How about Network? “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
So, we’ve all discussed my bladder issues (you may recall the Momfession video where I outed myself) … Anyhoo, I was with my doc the other day and she asked if I ever hold it when I have to pee.
Me: You mean like Michael Jackson style or with my mind?
Doc: I guess, if I have to pick between those choices, I’d say with your mind? Continue reading →
The most amazing thing about a child’s imagination is that anything is possible. Even the most intelligent, imaginative adult can’t grasp the sheer power of that one ability. We tend to lose sight of how much we can add with our minds by expecting everything to be realistic and tangible.
As a child, my Barbies could be on a ski trip — barreling down a steep mountain. They didn’t need to be bundled up in coats and boots, they didn’t need skis … hell, I had a Ken that didn’t have a head for at least 6 months before he got replaced. Continue reading →
This picture implies that he was washing my car. He in fact, was not, but I couldn’t find a better picture of an elderly man near a car… MAKE DO.
See how polite I’m being? Calling him an elderly gentleman and not an old curmudgeon? No, that would be rude and I am not rude. Well, unless you consider running a poor old curmudgeon over with your car “rude.” Then yes, I may be rude, but I have an excellent vocabulary and that has to count for something.Continue reading →
Don’t get me wrong, I was as excited to send the kiddos back to school as the rest of the moms out there who’ve had a 12week hiatus from normal daily life. I just wish we could remove a couple irritating back to school elements from the equation (listen to me, I already sound more scholarly … ugh, school is officially in session).
Here’s my list of said irritating elements, I mean, the annoying stuff that comes with those darn kids needing an education:
1. Waking up early blows: I love those extra minutes/hours you get to sleep during the summer, not to mention the stress-free morning routine. There’s no mad rush to get to a bus or carpool lane. No one needs to check and make sure work is completed and paperwork is signed to avoid getting docked a letter grade.
WHY??? Why must all good things come to an end? It was one crazy summer and I’m not gonna lie, I made an unlikely friend that I’ll never forget. We had so many incredible moments together. Enjoying the daily grind.
The other day, a sales girl at a clothing store asked a friend’s daughter what she wanted to do when she grows up — and her answer: “I want to be a housewife.”
Said friend’s jaw dropped and after explaining that she works full time (to avoid the clerk judging) she questioned where that answer came from. Aren’t kids supposed to aspire to bigger things? Why doesn’t she want to be an astronaut? A movie star? A professional baseball player… a lion tamer?
I laughed because well, it was really funny. Plus, stuff like that is only funny when it’s not your child. (Nope, it’s funny when it’s yours too.)
The other day I wrote about being homesick and back-homesick. Yes, I coined the last one, so I’ll expect royalties if you use it. Basically, it’s the feeling campers have when they return home and it feels weird to be normal.
As a parent, we want you to be back-homesick because it means you had a great summer and the fortune it cost us to send you to camp would NOT have been better spent on a family vacation or a fall wardrobe. That said, as parents it’s also pretty annoying that you’re not more excited to see us and be back home. Well, as someone who spent the summer at camp and has now experienced both sides of this phenomenon, I feel confident that a couple tweaks to your home will be the difference between mopey kid — and kid who barely notices they’ve left camp.
Look we all spent a lot of time and money, making camp more homey – we sent, great sheets, a soft rug, a cushy chair (which they don’t need) for bonfires, plush towels, their favorite pillows, stuff to decorate the walls, fans for comfort, pictures of us … But I’m gonna teach you the tough part — How to make home more Campy: Continue reading →
I’m Back I’m Back I’m Back!!! In case you didn’t hear, I’m back from my summer at Camp Lenox. I have so much to catch you guys up on, first of all, being home kinda sucks…
Yep, this summer I’ve gotten to feel both homesickness and “back-home sickness,” and they’re oddly similar. When I was at summer camp, and there was downtime, a rainy day, a rest hour, a cancelled period … the locomotive (that is camp) went from careening around bends to simply chugging along. During those times, I missed my hubby, my coffee, my bed, hot water …
Coming back home from summer camp is not so different, except it’s worse … that same freight train doesn’t slow to a chug, it screeches to a halt. Continue reading →