Moms of Boys are Jealous Shrews – So Here’s a Contract for Potential Future Wives

Moms of Boys are Jealous Shrews, So Here's a Contract for Your Future Daughter-in-law to Sign

The moment you bring a baby boy into the world, you start to wonder when he’s going to leave you. That’s right. You know that one day he’ll leave you for another woman — even though he’ll propose to you all through toddlerhood and tell you that you are the only girl for him.

LIAR

Then he’ll spend all his time with his girlfriend, ‘cuz she’ll trick him into loving her, with the partying and the drugs and the play-dough.  Yep… and that’s just kindergarten.  What, there are no drugs in Kindergarten?  What about sniffing Elmers and eating paste?  You feel silly now, right?

You’re already quite certain that the woman he marries will probably resent you for being so awesomely cool. And you’re betting she’ll do whatever she can to break the strong bond you have with your sweet prince. Women say it’s good to marry mama’s boys, but they don’t really want to deal with the mama part.

Wenches!

My husband has told me time and time again to cut the cord… no f*****g way! I’m waiting until that thing rots and falls off. I mean, for how much longer is he going to say “I love you” when he walks out the door, or hug me in front of his friends, or ask me to lie with him at night? Frankly, I don’t know, but I won’t be the one to stop it.

If he’s 40 and wants me to lie with him and scratch his arm, I’ll be all “Move over, Megan,” or whatever his unappreciative, son-stealing wife’s name is.

Let’s be honest: he may be 5 now, but before we know it, he’ll be shaving, and driving, and then he’ll leave us to go to college somewhere cold. Then he’ll get married and move to be near her mother, because that’s what girls make boys do: move near their mothers! Then he’ll be a father, and then one fine holiday he’ll have “wifey” call us to cancel our plans. Then he’ll try to make up for it by sending one of those Harry & David gift baskets filled with pears, because he’ll remember that we love pears, but they’ll be bruised — like our hearts.

Next thing you know we’ll be an old crones – calling our cats by our childrens’ names and answering things that aren’t even phones.

(The last part will be because everything will be a phone – key fobs, throw pillows, hats.  I imagine it’ll be confusing for lots of people, not just us, OK?)

No, we can’t go down that road, well, we may not have any control over technology, but we can take a stand against son stealing right now.

Look Obama’s already babbling into a shoe, crazy aging guy

We’ll make those Jezebels pay… no, sign! Yes, a contract for us to make them sign, besides the pre-nup. That’s right, like using WiFi in Starbucks, they’ll have to agree to our terms.

This is a MIL-nup, and it goes like this:

  • I will realize that my Mother-in-Law (MIL) and all her awesomeness is a gift to me that should not be taken for granted.
  • I will marvel at her beauty and miraculously never aging skin, every time I see her.
  • I will compliment her cooking, her decorating, and most importantly the incredible way she raised her son, my husband.
  • I will acknowledge that her son is on loan to me so that we can make grandbabies, which will probably look like her and have her wonderful traits, which I will mention in conversation frequently and with great fervor.
  • I will remind my husband to call my MIL daily saying: “Have you told your mother you love her today?  You should, you’re really lucky, she rocks.” Plus I will throw in phrases like this:
  • “That amazing woman raised you, you should call and thank her… again.”
  • “You can truly never thank her enough.”
  • “Let’s go over and thank her in person.”
  • “We should bring her a gift when we go.”
  • “She’s so deserving of gifts.”
  • “Let’s take her on vacation with us.”
  • “And get her another gift.”
  • “Maybe a beautiful locket with pictures of you and our children.”
  • “No, I don’t need to be in the pictures, she didn’t raise me… unfortunately.”
  • I will tell other women that their mother-in-laws are not as fabulous as mine and I shall be willing to throw-down in the event that said women disagree.
  • I will take my MIL to her weekly hair salon appointment and shopping at Loehmann’s, when it is deemed necessary by age.
  • I will spend ALL holidays with your family because they are so awesome and gracious and I realize how much mine sucks in comparison.

And lastly:

  • I will move to be near my MIL, whether she has retired to Century Village in Florida, decides to live in a nudist colony in Arizona, or she goes bat shit crazy and moves to Alaska for the fresh sushi.  She is so wise and wonderful, I’m sure her choice of habitat will suit us perfectly!

Oh, and:

  • My MIL can soooo live with us when she’s old and can’t remember who I am.

There.  You can send this to other moms of boys and print it to be signed when the inevitable happens.  I just saved you from losing your sweet sweet boy.  You’re welcome.

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102 thoughts on “Moms of Boys are Jealous Shrews – So Here’s a Contract for Potential Future Wives

    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Well, at some point Mama’s opinion is wrong no matter what, that’s when you have to start rooting for the trashy girls in hopes that he will defy you and hang with the goody two shoes!

      Reply
  1. Lola

    First of all, if you EVER need me to shank some bitches who are sniffing around your son? You just give me the word (throwing mommy gang signs now)
    Second, being the mom of THREE boys and no girls who will take care of me in my old age although I had false hope once when I thought my middle son might be gay but he just went through a glitter phase so I got all excited for nothing because, as it turns out, he likes tits…
    What was I saying?
    Oh yeah. Having no girls, I have devised a fool proof plan for keeping my boys close by. I just have to make sure that they each fall in love with girls from dysfunctional families. Easy Peasy.
    If they detest their moms, they will come running to ME. Right? Right?
    And I may or may not have “planted a seed” that there is a HUGE inheritance for whichever child (and wife) takes the BEST care of me in my old age.
    A competition, if you will.
    Of course, there’s no inheritance, but if as long as you don’t rat me out, this diabolical plan MAY work.
    (Insert evil laughter with stroking of pretend handlebar moustache, here.)

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Mommy gang sign right back attcha! Also, I’m grabbing my crotch, not in a Micheal Jackson/gangy kinda way… just cuz it feels nice. Moving on, as I said to Brett girls from dysfunctional families are great catches assuming they’re willing to cut their families off, if they bring them into the mix, expect to be paying for much of the wedding! And I love you inheritance scheme. We really do have a huge ginormous inheritance, but we’re giving it to a cult. It’s up to like a buck 75.

      Reply
  2. Kat

    Do you think a signature in blood is too much? Also I will carve the heart out of any trollop who breaks his heart. I’m quite reasonable and sane. Really. Just a bit twitchy.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Amy baby brother’s totally count. They belong to you and your mother. You have complete and utter say where or to whom he goes. Don’t forget to make copies of the contract – multiple – as you may scare a girl or two away, but if you do, just know they weren’t “THE ONES.” Or at least tell yourself that when baby brother blames you for ruining his life!

      Reply
  3. weezafish

    Oh. My. God. I have two boys, four and two, and I’m already in a state about this. My Mum, who’s had three girls and two boys, just lent me a book called Daughters in Law, on the same subject. I will try my hardest to like my daughters in law and future daughters in law. I will try. I probably won’t succeed. I will probably turn in to a MIL from hell. But I’ll try not to.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Weezy (is it ok if I call you Weezy?) You know what, don’t waste your time trying, put it to better use, like trying to find girls you find appropriate and chasing those you don’t approve of away with threats, and an evil cackle.

      Reply
  4. Bleeping Amazing

    AMEN, sister. I am not about to lose my son or my other son for some hooker in a tight pair of daisy dukes. “You’re son is so adorable! You’re so screwed!” My friends remind me all the time. I’m sorry. Go find someone else to torment. My boys think I am the best thing in the history of ever and I am SO not going to share. But then again, I want grandbabies. I’m totally fucking screwed.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Yes, Cassie, yes you are. BTW I love how your called bleeping amazing and didn’t feel the need to bleep the “fucking” in your comment. If you let that go, I wanna know what’s bleep worthy!

      Reply
  5. Cristie

    Please… I’m trying to get mine to marry yours! I keep telling her that you’d make a very cool MIL. (to which she totally agrees). She asked if ours get married if she can shoe shop with you! Loves your shoes apparently!

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Oh, Cristie – I will definitely take her shoe shopping, but be warned, she will need to sign this contract… in blood! I’m just saying now might be a good time to mention Jake’s addiction to sports and betting. Like you could go with “It’s not you it’s him, he’s a loner… a rebel” You know, something to warn her that you didn’t quote from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure as I just did.

      Reply
  6. Bari

    Can grannies get contracts too, cause I’d put the skids on any trashy girl that tries to steal your perfectly wonderful , amazingly brilliant, exuberantly sweet baby boy ( and I’m just sayin’ his weak points)!

    Reply
  7. Jenny from the blog Post author

    Not a contract per say, but I’d like you standing behind me as she signs, while you bang your fist into your hand. I know you got my back. All 92lbs of you can take any chick down to the ground!

    Reply
  8. Rachel

    well — my husband says that my boys are never going to be able to get married b/c I spoil them too much — hooray!! :)
    fabulous post — Rachel

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Oh Rachel – not only will they find wives, they’ll be great husbands because we’ve made them sensitive, empathetic, and courteous!!! We seriously good moms right, bitchy and jealous, but damn good!

      Reply
  9. Eileen

    Jenny, I must admit I could not stop laughing when I read this…It is so amazingly cute. I have two grown daughters with children of their own…One has twin boys of 9 and an 11 yr old boy! You hit the mark girlfriend. She is constantly talking about this subject…so afraid of losing her sons to some “other woman” Having two girls myself, I never thought about this. Go know that one daughter would move away to another city….of all the nerve!! (Married a guy from Toronto – that little daughternapper!! Of course HE had to be close to HIS mother!! Sometimes it works in reverse, so tell all your neurotic, crazy readers to watch out for their little girls too…..Oh well, if the inevitable happens…..they can always get a cat.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Eileen- Yes, well all my neurotic readers with girls should steer clear of my neurotic readers of boys or they’ll be in a heap of shit. Let me tell you, I also have a girl and I have a contract for her too that looks oddly similar. I’d have her sign one of these about as soon as I’d let her sign a prenup.

      Reply
  10. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    As a mother of two girls, I call your contract and raise you another. You’d better bend over BACKWARDS for your DIL because SHE will be the one that will end up wiping your ass in your old age! (But what an ass it is …)

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Karen- do not think for a second that wiping my ass is not a requirement in writing. It’s just in the fine print. BTW- thanks for the ass comment. My bums was looking for some accolades today… and it got them.

      Reply
  11. Leon

    Funny, never thought of it from the reverse point of view.

    Always worried that each baby that came out would be a girl. They were both boys. The saying among some men is, “when you have a girl, you have to start worrying about everyone else’s penis, not just your own.”

    Reply
  12. Tiffany

    One – you made me tear up during the first part. I do not want any one of my sons to leave (I’m up to three) and marry a harlot. My son said something about the cut the cord thing too, but I rightly ignored that statement and continued to sleep in my son’s room so he wouldn’t be scared. So, I’m looking at buying a condo building with four condos. I think that should work :)

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Tiffany- I like the building idea! I say we all go out and get ourselves some condos. I mean frankly, who would turn down a nice condo? Not I, especially if it’s somewhere exotic where a daughter in law could be eaten by an gator or something. Oh, I’m just kidding… no letters about that ok?

      Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Ohhhhh I like the bibles. What else can we do to show commitment? They could kiss our rings every time they see us. Hmmm? No? Ok, how about they make their contract part of the wedding ceremony. Yes, perfect. They sign their contract in front of all their guests and when they say something like, “this is my wedding day,” we’ll say, “tut tut, you’re in violation of rule 2: respect they mother in law.” Ugh they’re already getting selfish and we’re simply pontificating.

      Reply
  13. Ellen

    I loved loved loved this blog!!! Not only are you an amazing writer, you are hysterical. As the mom of 3 fabulous sons ( and one equally fabulous daughter) I found myself laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. I made all boys-ages 18, 16 and 12- read as well. Just so they know what’s expected. Told #1 son that while he’s at college that the girl he chooses should be from around here, Jewish and preferably an orphan. Not asking too much, am I??

    Reply
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  15. Erin

    OMG Jenny…a friend sent me this because I AM that jealous bitch and my gorgeous boys are only 2 and 1. Hear that? GORGEOUS. I can see the pre-school skanks scheming already…

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Erin- You are in trouble. That’s all I can say. Watch those preschoolers, they know how to woo the boys. Like talking about all the colors they know, and the letters they recognize. Puh-lease bitches, lay off the crayolas ok!

      Reply
  16. Steffj89

    I have 3 sons, the oldest is 8 and can’t wait to grow up so he can move to the city and live with Nana. The middle plans to grow up, build a huge farm and move me onto it with him and his wife, so I can help take care of the 27 babies he plans to have while his wife supports us all, and the youngest…at 3 he is already begging to leave me for anything that cooks lots of corndogs.
    One of these days I am sure all 3 will change their mind, but I am prepared to make the crazy, sl*tty witches who shall chase them sign this contract !!
    Great post!
    Steff

    Reply
  17. kelli

    Jenny, that was really funny. I have three boys and I think about this stuff all the time, although I have never verbalized these thoughts. You did it for me. :)

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Glad you ladies liked it!!! I know, we’re like these sad creatures who dislike small children, but you know what? It’s our right… yes, Christie our right to dislike 9 year olds. I say we start asking the tough questions now, like “What are you gonna do for me when I’m old?” and “How do I look in these skinny jeans?”

      Reply
  18. Samantha

    ugh, right? and she is one of those girls who constantly flashes her underpants at all the boys. AHHHHH!!!!!!! it begins!!! (here is how jealous this mommy is….i’m the pre-k teacher at my son’s school…..LOL….see, i’m not a good sharer either!!!!)

    Reply
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  20. Kelly Byrne

    I don’t have children, but when/if I do ever have a son, I’m printing this out and having the wench of his ultimate choice sign on the dotted line. Good stuff. Tweeted. :)

    Reply
  21. Elizabeth

    This scares me to death! I keep telling my son he is not allowed to date till his 30 and he is 20 months and that I am the only woman for him!

    Thanks for sharing!

    confessionsofanuptightmama.com

    Reply
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  23. Emily @ My Pajama Days

    HILARIOUS! I have 2 girls, so I laughed out loud over this: “Then he’ll get married and move to be near her mother, because that’s what girls make boys do: MOVE NEAR THEIR MOTHERS! (What, don’t believe me? Ask my husband… and my mother.) ”

    So glad I saw you on Linkedin today!

    Reply
  24. Sara Renae

    I knew, from the moment my son allowed me to lay him down for the first time without crying (and he was only 3 days young), that that was the beginning of the end; the beginning of him not needing me!

    This post gives me renewed hope, though, that I can hold on to him for the rest of our lives :-)

    I loved reading it! Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious!

    Thank you!

    Reply
  25. Katie

    Thankfully, most of those things are true about me and my MIL! She’s really great and raised a great mama’s boy! We see them for holidays but we also see my family because I have lots of siblings – he’s an only child. My in-laws are great! And thankfully we all live in the same town so we don’t even have to choose who to visit! :D If I ever have a son I’m sure I’ll dread the day he loves another woman more than he loves me… :(

    Reply
  26. nicole

    As a mommy of 4 boys i have to tell you this was the BEST post i have read. you summed it up PERFECTLY. I sent it to all my other mommy of boy(s) friends. thank you soooooo much!!!

    Reply
  27. All that makes you...

    I had to share this. Hope you have time to stop by and read some of my BOY STORIES!

    You might enjoy, “The place between where the babies exit out. – Said by a highly intelligent mother.”

    Like I would GIVE three little boys the “V Word” to run around and say, “Your such a V@gin@”. I know, I’m totally not caving to the mommy’s who think that using the proper term is all “modern parenting”. I evolved some. I’m not calling it a “kitty cat” like my mom did. That would be totally wrong.

    Reply
  28. Sandra

    I tried being nice to my Daughter-In-Laws…always got a long with them fine…now both of my sons are getting divorced and from what I have learned….I will never be nice to another Daughter-In-Law – or get involved in anyway…you try to be nice and help them out…even take their side…and no matter what…you end up being the bad guy…I’m printing this for future use….love it….thanks!! Made my day!!

    Reply
  29. ashley

    i dont believe this at all. i mean.. it says that theyll move closer to the wifes mother. we see my mother in law at least 3 times a week and i havent seen my mom or parents in about 4 months. and we llive with in 3 miles from my mother in law (bens mom) and plan on moving closer in a month. my parents live at least 30 minutes away if not 45 minutes away. i fully plan on letting my son have his relationship with his wife and family (when he chooses to start one) and not be too involved unless he wants that. if not theyll resent you. you have to let your son or sons grow up and become a man. ♥

    Reply
  30. Charlie

    I can’t believe I freakin cried reading a post with the phrase jealous bitches in it!!! I’ve got two baby boys that I am so in love with. As a matter-of-fact, I am pretty much in love with all baby boys now. Every once in a while I consider having a third baby boy – but then I realize I have no control over that gender thing! Thanks for writing this cool post :)

    Reply
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  32. Prisper

    Thank you for this hilarious blog! And taking the time of course to type up this MIL-nup! As a mom of 3 handsome boys, I sincerely thank you. I worry about this all the time, cause I myself am a bitch, and know I’m bound to get one in return.
    #throwdowntime!

    Reply
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  34. Sara H.

    omg I’m the mom of two little boys and I honestly think about these things. This blog post made me laugh so hard and cry at the same time. Thanks!

    Reply
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    1. OmJaya

      I wish I had seen this before I met my MIL…..I might have understood her a little better and treated her nicer. But it was hard to understand it anyway until my sons came to me! They will certainly always be MY sons!!!!! :)

      Reply
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  40. Cat

    The only thing I have to ask is it seems like most of the people here have sons. OK, but on the flipside, I’m assuming there are also a lot of women on here that have MILs. Does this apply to her too??? Or only to your sons? I think it is funny, but not funny in reality when you actually have to deal with an over-possessive mother in law.

    Reply
    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      Yes, I have a MIL who finds this article very funny. I’m lucky that she’s awesome and we are close. I keep telling myself I have to be soooo awesome or some girl who doesn’t know me is going to hate me one day.

      Reply
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  42. mhf

    as the jezebel that stole my husband away from his momma, i know that some other little tart will take my baby boy from me one day! but i promise to not ever be as selfish as my mom inlaw… she insisted that my husband host her retirement party with 78 guests in my backyard, the day after i got home from the hospital after having brain surgery, lol. the kicker was that she was furious i didn’t haul my half dead self out of bed and greet all the total strangers roaming around the first floor of my house.

    Reply
  43. Vickie

    You will never know just how accurate this is (before the contract part). I always felt my DIL was jealous of the relationship our son had with us, his parents. Now, they live nearly 2000 miles away. Granted, he is in the Army but she really doesn’t want him to have a relationship with us and the rest of his siblings still at home. Breaks.My.Heart!!! But, I keep praying that one day our prodigal son will be back. I know it. I feel it. No…he wasn’t necessarily a mama’s boy…….but my DIL has the most issues with me.

    Reply
  44. Madredelsigloxxi

    Im laughing my socks off! This is EXACTLY how i feel about my sweet little boy (that he will eventually spread his wings) , and i am going to print this for my future DIL!

    Reply
  45. Oliana

    Thank you for the good laugh! My son is gay and such a sweet boy, so I will never have to deal with a DIL!!!

    Reply
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  50. Rose

    I would have happily signed that contract! And I did say all those nice things about her and more. I would have followed her to Florida or Alaska happily. Too bad her son was a psychopath, but luckily she never found out. Lousy son, fantastic mom. And yes, I did love her more than my mom for good reason. Oh, except for the having babies part, but I brought my daughter into the mix, and she considered my MIL to be her grandmother. May every wife have a MIL like her!

    Reply
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  52. Nicki

    Ok this is crazy ya some scary mothers!

    But don’t blame ya I’m 25 and have a 4yr old son. And yea I get jealous but then I’m like I can’t be selfish I gotta let him live his life, but then I’m like but I don’t want him with any trashy girl and this and that. The funny thing is that what’s more scary is that I get along with my mil really good that reading this have me the creeps and my life sux! My bf leaves really close to his mom and I’m like miles always from mine! So it’s this why my relationship is working omg!!!! I’m following her contract with out having to sign it literally.

    Reply
  53. Jetgrrrl

    LOVE this! I did you one better though – already selected my DIL for my first son. Have practically helped raise her since she lived downstairs from us. Her mom and I just took the two of them (age 4) to a hot date with Disney on Ice for Valentine’s day. He was momentarily more interested in Mickey than her but I think I can fix that. That girl knows where her bread is buttered, oh yes she does as I have been training her since infancy. Good idea to sign in blood though, now that she can actually write her name.

    Reply
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