It’s my birthday. Yes, I know “Happy to Me” and all, I’m not feeling so happy. Actually, I kinda want to be serious for a minute. It is Friday the 13th ohhhhhhh. Respect. I don’t know what that means ’cause I’m Jewish. But here goes:
I – WILL – NEVER – BE – FAMOUS!!!!!!
Imagine stamping feet between each word.
What? I said I was going to be serious, not mature!
January 13th marks the first day of the last year in my 30‘s. I know, I could have said that more succinctly – but you know what? It’s my birthday, so I get to do what I want!
Most importantly, in this day filled with the logging of new wrinkles and the circling of new cellulite dimples that I will have to remove at 40, and assessing what I have not accomplished and what I will never accomplish.
Holy shit. I will never be famous. Look, you don’t have to have wanted to be a famous actress, writer, singer, talk show host… from the age of 3 to relate; you merely have to have wanted a certain success that looks less likely to occur as the years pass. You have to get that urge to sob uncontrollably at the bleak outlook that is your professional or social future, but you should squelch such antics as you’re in the middle of a parent teacher meeting and you really should be paying attention. (wait, that’s just me.)
I was all prepped for fame. At 5, I was singing outside of restaurants, attracting throngs of people who said things to my mother like, “Oy, you should take her to try out for Annie,” “My G-d that child can sing.” and “Miss, could you please move, you and your child are blocking the entrance.” Were they talent scouts whose opinions could’ve translated into the big bucks?
But they knew good deli and they loved a fatty corned beef on Rye, so that gives them credibility right? I’m sure many talent execs know good deli, so really it’s quite the same thing.
If I were 5 today, I’d certainly be famous. Someone would’ve YouTubed me and it would’ve gone viral and I would’ve been befriended by Usher and I would’ve made an inspirational movie called “Never Say Never.”
What, that happened to someone else?
See, it’s a clear case of bad timing.
Here are things I wanted so badly to do with my life that I clearly never will:
1. Be a Part of the Kings of Comedy tour
2. Sing a Duet with Shawn Cassidy
3. Replace Marie on the Donny and Marie Show
4. Replace Jenny McCarthy on Remote Control
5. Be on Broadway – Though I did get close, well close-ish. Close-esque?
6. Write a mega-popular sitcom about 3 families with inter-generational, interracial, and inter-sexually oriented characters.
7. Be in a remake of Footloose
8. Write an uber popular humor blog that gives me a level of fame that allows me to become a lifestyle expert who does silly segments on Access Hollywood and gets me a book deal and a pilot and a movie of the week and a perfume, duh. Which I will call “Stinkin’ Rich.” (Every Ad Exec with tell you a fragrance that starts with “Stinkin’” is sure to be a success.)
9. Write for SNL and then star on SNL and then write and star in a sitcom about an SNLesque show
10. Be Mrs. Scott Biao. No – Kirk Cameron. No – Tom Cruise – whoa, scratch that, Tom Cruise from All the Right Moves – better. Ok, where was I? Right marry Ben Affleck and Matt Damon at the same time or just sleep with them (at the same time). Marry Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (See Ben Affleck and Matt Damon).
Oh, what’s the use, none of those things will EVER happen.
Well, there’s a chance at one of them, if I can just get a hold of Brad’s lawyers.
So, I’m a failure. A failure. I have truly failed at accomplishing my 10 ultimate goals and as there is a disturbing study in Forbes that says my chances are diminishing by the hour.
Maybe I’m just one of these:
Late bloomer – Person whose talents or capabilities are not visible to others until later than usual – in some cases only in old age.
Clearly we can’t all be late bloomers, so I’m going to assume that I fall into this category and then apologize to the 95% of you who do not, but kinda hope you do.
Here is a list of Late Bloomers I found. I hope to be among them, but freakin’ soon, while I still have some line-less areas on my face and I could pass as, at the very least – a cougar. Oh, and while I still have a chance with Justin Timberlake or Zach Efron. Yes, I’m talking Troy Bolton people.
Bloomed Over 40:
Tommy Lee Jones
Billy Bob Thornton
Samuel L. Jackson
You see the women on this list, right? Mother Theresa, Bea Arthur, and Bonnie Raitt, ugh, so not what I was going for. Which is why I’m going to have to mold my career after the amicable Jeff Foxworthy.
I feel hopeful! I can do this! I have to go and start my foray into over the hill, plus I wanna get started on my first book: You Know You’re Jewish If…
1. You’re mother is Jewish
2. A mohel (moy-el) shows up at your house on the 8th day of life
How am I doing so far? Funny shit right? Fame, here I come!!!