This could also be titled: Blue Eyed, Big Boobed Blondes are Annoying – Feel free to pick your favorite. Us brunettes are going to dominate (not the blond joke market) but, the world, so watch out blondies!
This morning while my bestie, we’ll call her, Susan (because that’s her name) was driving back from doing carpool, she decided to call me and complain about the sun. You know that round fireball in the sky that sustains life?
That in itself is a sign that she needs a hobby!
The conversation went something like this:
Susan: The sun this morning is relentless. I can barely see. I think it’s because I have such blue eyes … I’m so sensitive to the light.
Me: (Mockingly, using a British accent because British people know how to mock best.) ‘Ohhh, the curse. Oh, me with my blue eyes and the blonde hair. How do I get through the day?’
Susan: Seriously, I almost had to pull over last week. Light eyes are really sensitive.
Me: (Yes, still British) ‘You may think you know the intensity of the light Jenny, but you have no idea — with those doody brown eyes. You don’t even know the true beauty that is all around us.’
Susan: Oh shit, I just almost hit a car. (She continued. Ignoring me because being mocked in British is never fun. Also, because she likes to ignore me. Probably because my features are so common she forgets I’m there.)
Me: Are you sure you almost crashed because of the light? Maybe it was your boobs. ‘Ohhh, damn these perky boobs! Jenny, you have no idea what it’s like to be so buxom. They get in the way of everything; a three-point turn is like solving a Rubik’s Cube. Oh, and the skinniness. I can barely turn the wheel I am so frail, with my skin and bones. It is so hard to be blond, blue-eyed, big bosomed, and skinny. You flat-chested brown-eyed girls really have it made. You have no idea the obstacles I must overcome.’
If she would only mention her blonde mustache again, because that’s never annoying. Since she clearly has no idea that some brunettes look like Mexican boys going through puberty if they forget to get it threaded/waxed or bleached. (Not me, of course.)
Well, us small chested, brunette, brown eyed monsters, would like you to know, that we too require sunglasses, we too wear bras (though we don’t necessarily need them), and we too have feelings.
One day, when your hair starts to break from over bleaching (I mean how many of your blonde friends don’t have any help getting it that shade?), and you need cataract surgery, and slings to hold up your boobies, we’ll be there … pointing … and clearly seeing what we’re pointing at … even our perky little boobs will be pointing.
We’ll be using our honed cerebral abilities and our quick wit (because you know we’re super sharp), to get high powered government positions and to write hilariously funny sitcoms that we may or may not star in. And we’ll be using all the money we saved, not getting highlights every 6 weeks, to dominate the world!!! Or at least buy really cute boots from Neiman’s that you’ll be totally jealous of.
SO, Suck on that, blondies!
PS if you had a different celeb in mind to rep our cause leave her name in the comments.
While you’re here, please enjoy my 15 tips to help you keep your sanity in the Suburban Jungle! (Whether you live in the ‘burbs or just visit.) AND SIGN UP FOR THE BLOG!