What Those Candy Hearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage – A little post V-Day fun

While searching for a pic I found this. I guess I

On Valentine’s Day I was reading through the V-day Sweethearts, you know, the conversation hearts, the ones that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed. Like: I love you, be mine, kiss me… blah blah blah. So in that vein, I’ve made a list of what should be etched in red on those cute little hearts.

BTW this article is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how head over heels you are. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you. Frankly, you can avoid this article unless you’re past the 7 year itch. Sorry, but resentment and boredom takes time to cure, like a salami.

WIVES CONVERSATION HEARTS:

I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES, DON’T WORRY THEY WERE ON SALE

SHH… THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON

NO, I WON’T PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH

YES, I WAS LAUGHING AT THE SIZE

IF U DID IT THE FIRST TIME I WOULDN’T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN

COULD U BE MORE LIKE MAGIC MIKE?

I SAID BILLY COULD SLEEP IN BED WITH US – AGAIN

R THOSE UR TOENAILS?

SORRY, NOT INTERESTED

SHH… ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS ON – AGAIN

BE MINE, BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE’S FOR ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO?

BEING A MOTHER IS A FULL TIME JOB, OK?

SHH… THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!

WAIT, LET ME TURN OVER SO I CAN’T SEE U WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE

BRUSH UR TEETH IF YOU’RE GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE

COULD U BE MORE LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY?

U GET THE 2AM FEEDING

DO NOT EAT THOSE DORITOS HERE

I’M PREGNANT… PSYCHE!

HUBBYS CONVERSATION HEARTS:

SHH… THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON – AGAIN

I DON’T MIND IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD, I WON’T TAKE LONG

WHEN I SAY I’M LISTENING, I’M PROBABLY NOT

I LIED, MEN DO LIKE MORE THAN A HANDFUL

SHH… BRAVEHEART IS ON – AGAIN

DO U KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS?

WHY R U SO TIRED, WHAT DO U DO ALL DAY?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE JENNA JAMESON?

DO U HAVE ANY WATER OVER THERE?

WAIT, LET ME TURN YOU OVER SO I CAN’T SEE YOU WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE

WOW, YOU’RE MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER

SHH… FIELD OF DREAMS IS ON – AGAIN

UR MORNING BREATH DOES NOT SMELL SWEET

I CAN BE SEXY, WANNA DO IT?

I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON A GIANTS GAME

COULD U GET ME SOME DORITOS

BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY

YOU’RE ON CLEAN UP

CAN U MOVE UR HEAD SO I CAN WATCH THE GAME?

LOVE YOU 4EVER, SO THERE’S NO NEED TO CUDDLE

And of course: I LOVE U, because if we didn’t truly feel that way, well we wouldn’t put up with all that shit. Hope your V-day was full of all the love you deserve.

*please share this with your friends and lovers!. PS – Leave me more heart sayings too!

For something a bit sweeter check out funny shit I wrote elsewhere for V-day: Do Your Kids Ever Try to Make out with You – or is it Just Mine?

20 thoughts on “What Those Candy Hearts Should REALLY Say – After Marriage – A little post V-Day fun

  1. cherie

    Very Funny, I love the candy hearts. Here’s one that came to mind. Is that you or the Cats. Or how about Suck What?

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Valentine's Day, Shmalentine's Day. - another jennifer | another jennifer

  3. Karen Baitch Rosenberg

    SO much fun!! Love Cheri’s ~ My contributions: “Is that your hair in the sink?” “He gets that from YOUR side of the family,” “Cook WHAT?” and “You’re right!”

    Reply
  4. Jennifer June

    Yeeeeeeeeeeah..
    My boyfriend gave me one on Valentine’s Day that said “Say Yes”
    I asked if it was a marriage proposal.
    He looked confused.
    “More like a butt-sex proposal…”
    The romance never dies.

    Reply

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