On Valentine’s Day I was reading through the V-day Sweethearts, you know, the conversation hearts, the ones that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed. Like: I love you, be mine, kiss me… blah blah blah. So in that vein, I’ve made a list of what should be etched in red on those cute little hearts.
BTW this article is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how head over heels you are. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you. Frankly, you can avoid this article unless you’re past the 7 year itch. Sorry, but resentment and boredom takes time to cure, like a salami.
WIVES CONVERSATION HEARTS:
I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES, DON’T WORRY THEY WERE ON SALE
SHH… THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON
NO, I WON’T PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH
YES, I WAS LAUGHING AT THE SIZE
IF U DID IT THE FIRST TIME I WOULDN’T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN
COULD U BE MORE LIKE MAGIC MIKE?
I SAID BILLY COULD SLEEP IN BED WITH US – AGAIN
R THOSE UR TOENAILS?
SORRY, NOT INTERESTED
SHH… ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS ON – AGAIN
BE MINE, BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE’S FOR ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO?
BEING A MOTHER IS A FULL TIME JOB, OK?
SHH… THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!
WAIT, LET ME TURN OVER SO I CAN’T SEE U WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
BRUSH UR TEETH IF YOU’RE GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE
COULD U BE MORE LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY?
U GET THE 2AM FEEDING
DO NOT EAT THOSE DORITOS HERE
I’M PREGNANT… PSYCHE!
HUBBYS CONVERSATION HEARTS:
SHH… THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON – AGAIN
I DON’T MIND IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD, I WON’T TAKE LONG
WHEN I SAY I’M LISTENING, I’M PROBABLY NOT
I LIED, MEN DO LIKE MORE THAN A HANDFUL
SHH… BRAVEHEART IS ON – AGAIN
DO U KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS?
WHY R U SO TIRED, WHAT DO U DO ALL DAY?
COULD U BE MORE LIKE JENNA JAMESON?
DO U HAVE ANY WATER OVER THERE?
WAIT, LET ME TURN YOU OVER SO I CAN’T SEE YOU WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
WOW, YOU’RE MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER
SHH… FIELD OF DREAMS IS ON – AGAIN
UR MORNING BREATH DOES NOT SMELL SWEET
I CAN BE SEXY, WANNA DO IT?
I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON A GIANTS GAME
COULD U GET ME SOME DORITOS
BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY
YOU’RE ON CLEAN UP
CAN U MOVE UR HEAD SO I CAN WATCH THE GAME?
LOVE YOU 4EVER, SO THERE’S NO NEED TO CUDDLE
And of course: I LOVE U, because if we didn’t truly feel that way, well we wouldn’t put up with all that shit. Hope your V-day was full of all the love you deserve.
*please share this with your friends and lovers!. PS – Leave me more heart sayings too!
For something a bit sweeter check out funny shit I wrote elsewhere for V-day: Do Your Kids Ever Try to Make out with You – or is it Just Mine?