iCan Not iStand the Apple Store

iCan't iStand The iApple Store - We Have a Love Hate Relationshipi Have an iLove iHate Relationship with the Apple Store. (A little Apple Store humor for frustrated customers who really kinda love that place, like me.)

Last week, I took a trip to the Apple store.  Oh, the Apple store.  It’s like a Dylan’s Candy Bar for adults.  Like it’s namesake, in the Garden of Eden, or in the hands of Snow White’s evil stepmother, APPLE was so inviting… so enticing.  There it was, in all of its overcrowded, 8 gazillion watt minimalistic splendor. 

People were taking courses on their iMacs, downloading apps on their iPhones, and buying $500 earbuds for their iPads.  They were opening their iWallets and paying an iFortune for their iWare.  The invisible cloud hung low, like old testicles… The phrase, “there’s an app for that” echoed softly throughout the store.  I was unable to find the source of this subliminal whisper, though I know there was probably an app that could help me.  I walked toward the Genius Bar, aka customer service for Apple users, and was helped by quite the iLoser.

“iHello Ma’am, how can I iHelp you?”  The i’s were silent, but I could tell they were implied.

“I have a problem with an iPhone and an old iPod (please note, my kids are going to camp and cannot bring phones so the use of an iPod is not as arcane as it seems).  The iPod has a picture of an animated iPod on it, which appears to be deceased.”  I do not lie.  Apparently, when your iPod’s hard drive is corrupt, most likely from cavorting with a PC, a cartoon iPod man appears on the screen with a frown and x’s for eyes.  Even in death there is some cute igimmick.  

PC never cutely croaks, it just “crashes,” demanding hours of conversation with India.  I actually felt somber looking into iPod’s lifeless eyes, like I should say a little something before recycling it.

“My iPhone only charges on docks like my iHome, and my iBose, but not my iUSB, or my iCar Adapter, or our iDogs or any of the other iParaphernalia I’ve spent my husband’s hard earned cash on.

“Well, your iPhone sounds fickle,” said iFreud, explaining it in a way that would suggest my iPhone’s problem was more personal than technical.

“Do you guys have an appointment?” he asked.

“Guys?” I said, looking around for someone that must have been hovering over my shoulder.

“You and your iPhone,” he said, as if I had rudely discounted my iPhone’s feelings.

“Well, being that my iPhone’s so fickle, it’s no surprise that he’s also extremely picky about who we make our appointments with.”

“Just fill in this form,” he said, pointing to the screen.  “Ummm, I see we have an appointment available next week.”

“I’m sorry, did you say next week?  I can get in to see my OBGYN before that, and he’s busy,” I said winking at iNerd.  Who probably doesn’t speak to women about gynecologists, or anything else for that matter.

“You can’t see my iPhone until next week?  We don’t live nearby and…wait, what’s that iPhone?  *holds phone to ear* Oh, right.  Listen, I don’t want to offend you, iPlato, but iPhone is iPissed.”

“Well, we have two convenient locations to accommodate you.  Just fill in a time that works, and I’m sure a Genius here at the bar will be happy to assist,” he said, respecting iPhone’s space, and also looking at me as if I were insane.

“iPhone, you what?  You don’t think he should be allowed in the Genius Bar? No, iPhone I will not ask iDork his iQ.”

“You’re a PC aren’t you?” the iTwerp asked me, with a derogatory tone as if it were a racial slur.  If I were a Mac I would obviously appreciate the simplicity of the system and the ease of making an appointment.

“No, well yes.  I’m a switch hitter. Like the Osmonds – I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll”  I said proudly.

“Who?” He asked and then sneered at me the way Drago Malfoy would before, groaning “Mudblood,” through gritted teeth (I use that reference because I’m pretty sure he has a Harry Potter costume at home… or maybe Dumbledore… or Hermione).

PS – The truth is I’m mostly a Mac, but a frustrated one, I realize it’s better than the alternative. PCs make me feel less frustration and more like stabbing someone. That said, my fickle phone and I went home to bury the iPod.

We said, “You’re in a better place… the cloud.”

You know how I mentioned my kids are going to camp? Well, in an interesting and totally contrived twist of events, I’m going insane, I mean, with them and writing, videoing, instagramming all about it, in a series called:  JennyFromTheBunk – I followed my kids to camp… Now what? It should be hilarious or maybe I’ll get eaten by a bear, but definitely one or the other. You can follow it here: Facebook.com/ILoveJennyFromTheBlog (I hope you do and tell your friends). XO – Jenny From The Blog

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38 thoughts on “iCan Not iStand the Apple Store

  1. Insanitykim

    Man, I barely survived my Xbox 360’s “red ring of death”. Thank goodness I don’t have an ipod! I just turn my nose up to any kind of technology. Seriously. I don’t touch the stuff. I like it here in the dark. With my candle and my thoughts to keep me company. Obviously I am quite delirious.

    Reply
  2. Anne Louise Bannon

    Not that PCs are that much better (oh, the hours I’ve spent getting to know the folks in Bangalore), but Apples do have their weak spots. My dear friend was a Mac person and he was always complaining about how his different machines were in the shop.

    Thanks for the great laugh.

    Reply
  3. cherie

    One of your funnier blogs. I can agree with what happened as I too got a dose of the Apple experience the other day trying to make an iAppointment with the Genius for a client, only to be shot down at three stores saying they were booked until the following week. The client could come into the store at opening and register as a stand-by and take his chances. Well the world of Apple is a world unto its own or should I say iWorld

    Reply
  4. Henrik

    Barking up the wrong tree, it seems. It’s not Apple’s fault that a jerk work in their shop. I have a similar problem in my town: Would love to buy a VW, but the service in the local agency stinks, so I don’t. But still VWs as well as Macs are excellent products

    Reply
  5. Barry

    Once upon a time there were genuises working the I stores. Today, not so much. I love my I phone, my grandkids love it and Apple loves that we love it. The store is now a test of patience, knowledge and stamina. If you can prove you know more than the person helping you, they will help you. Unfortunately, you have now ascertained that you are the teacher and are now helping the teacher who was supposed to be helping you. You no longer need an appointment because the appointment would be with yourself. EASIER to just replace whatever I dreck you néeded.

    Reply
  6. Noel

    My iPod experience:

    I hate flying. Need all the help I can get. On a business trip to Seattle, my iPod suddenly acted dead, deceased, gone …

    I found the only Apple store was very far from where I was staying, but took a taxi there. Upon arrival I was asked, “do you have a reservation?”

    “What?” I responded. “A reservation. It’s required.” I explained my situation, was not helped except to be offered a number. That meant I had to kill two hours in the stupid, remote mall, near some university. (What do I know about Seattle except that they really like coffee?)

    I waited, and waited, and waited. When it was finally my turn, they essentially rebooted my tiny music device, and it was fine.

    They couldn’t have done that 30-second operation when I first arrived at that god-forsaken spot? Apparently not. Because they’re so exclusive. So special. So WTF!

    Reply
  7. Jacqu

    I relate. Oh yes. I’m on my third iPod and afraid to touch it other than… push play.

    I wrote a similar sort of anti-mac post on my blog, askatechteacher.wordpress.com. Mac people are emotional while us PC people are rational, non-anthropomorphic about our digital jewelry. Keep up the fun blogs.

    Reply
  8. Geraldine

    Great post.

    I don’t know what the big deal is about PC vs Mac, and why ipeople seem to be so anti-PC. I grew up on a PC and have owned and used one for probably the majority of my life and have never had a problem. Ever. I have used a few Macs and find it so hard to figure it all out. Of course it is simply a case of learning a new operating system, and it disappointed me that Vista tries to be more like a Mac, but what is with the pretentious iattitude??

    idream of a world where no one is discriminated against because of their hardware…

    Reply
  9. smilinggreenmom

    iSoooo want more Apple stuff! Our family is all MAC and would never switch back to a PC. Your post is great though- funny.

    Reply
  10. Wendy Thigpen Holmes

    iLoved it! iLOL several times. Very creative.

    But, seriously, I’m a Mac & PC, so I understand. I’ve used PC all of my life until about three years ago, now we have an iMac, MacBook, two iPhones, and two iPods.

    Reply
  11. Bari

    Thanks for the ilaughs…but really you’ve got your ilife together. First you purchase your iproducts then you go on-iline and set your iappointment.Then go to istore, talk to iidiot, go home and call !-800-MYAPPLE and scream your f#*##**ing ihead off. Then they give you the correct idirections. SIMPLE!

    Bari

    p.s. I think there’s an an app for this

    Reply
  12. AB

    OMG…you wrote just about everything I’ve ever thought about my experiences at an Apple Store…I HATE them, but unfortunately, it’s a cult, and once you spend your hard-earned cash, you feel compelled to keep the madness going…
    A favorite fantasy of mine involves walking into one of the cavernous anti-retail stores, and standing in the middle of the floor and yelling “FIRE!” But, most likely, no one would flinch, as they “have an app for that!”
    Thanks for making me laugh!

    Reply
  13. sarah lipoff

    I love my mac stuff – can’t even set foot in the store! Luckily, my husband loves the Apple store experience, so I leave him to the iHappiness of the Apple Store. :)

    Reply
  14. Joanne

    Very funny blog, but I switched to Apple in 2005 after no less than three pcs crashed. Not acceptable. Viruses? None. I have never had this problem with an Apple. There may be some people at Apple stores who have attitude, 95% of the ones I have worked with have been easy going and extremely helpful. The One to One program is the best deal around – $99 for one to one appointments teaching me to build a database on filemaker and a website on iWeb. Apple apps are fairly intuitive, but I am visual and would much prefer someone instructing me.

    There is a reason why Apple stores are the busiest in the malls. If I had the money, I would buy almost everything in the store!

    Reply
  15. Liz Craig

    The Kansas City Apple store, where I tried to take a mini-course in iWeb, was a nightmare. Crowded, loud, people constantly moving to make room for other people to get by. The place is a shoebox of sound. Small footprint I can understand, since it’s on the pricey Country Club Plaza, but still. It was so loud I asked the instructor of my mini-course what the deal was. She said, “I don’t know, I guess it’s just the Apple ambience.”

    I love Apple. I love Mac. I hate the Apple store.

    Reply
  16. Rose

    When your iPod crashes go to U-Tube. There are videos posted with instructions on how to fix it yourself. Seriously, I brought my iPod back to life quite simply in a matter of minutes by watching a video on u-tube!

    Rose

    Reply
  17. Sabine

    Oh boy, that was funny. Apple stores are crazy, all those customers just playing with the toys. I went there once on a Saturday night to buy my monitor. It was hell – I know – shouldn’t have done that. I have no desire to go back. That’s what the Internet is for.

    Reply
  18. rachy

    iJenny, iMust say that iEnjoyed reading your iReview of the iApple iStore. But iI must say that iI don’t have and iPod or iPhone or iAnything.

    Still, iI must also say that because the iApple iComputer has a stable iOperating System (compared to pcWindows or pcVista) and doesn’t pcReboot when it pcFeels like it (and it doesn’t give me the dreaded pcBlue Screen of Death when it pcCrashes), iI might consider buying an iApple, except for the very high iPrice!

    Reply
  19. Susan @ 2KoP

    Well, you won’t convert me — I’m Mac through and through. But you did make me laugh. I love a good snark.

    For annoying animated icons, it’s hard to do worse than Bob the PC Paperclip — remember him. And as far as having to make an appointment, at least Apple has stores instead pimply teenaged boys fixing things in the back of their parents’ garage.

    Still, you made me laugh. Good writing.

    Reply
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  21. Ev

    Reading your various blogs was more annoying to me than the busy atmosphere of my Apple Store. In my One to One program I have actually met a few young “geniuses” who knew their stuff, were good teachers and also polite. I had one or two who did not live up to the “genius” level –they were older people, helas, like I am. I draw my hat to the young people of today working for Apple and helping those of us who after many years decided to switch from a PC desk top to a MAC Book for travel.

    Reply
  22. Paul Banas

    For those of us who have loved our Macs for literally decades, this story is comforting. I’ve had to deal with PCs in the past, and while not cultish, the experience is more lemming-like. Everyone has one, so I have to have one too despite what agony they are to use. Macs do make the whole computer experience personal, and perhaps too personal (and expensive) for some, or most. On the other hand, there are those of us who are willing to pay the emotional and financial cost for a machine that makes us better writers, artists, creators.

    I would never trade my 4 Macs, 2 iPhones and 2 iPods!

    Reply
  23. Fran

    Thanks for a great read! Insightful AND clever.

    I like my Mac, altho not as much as I used to, and I own an iPod that I barely use. I HATE the Apple store in downtown Portland, OR.. Energy, buzz, crowds–total turnoff for a disabled 50-something and especially my 69-year-old husband. I would have had a far better chance of weaning him from his PC had I bought my equipment at the quiet, sane, helpful Mac Force store in SE PDX. Had I but known.

    Reply
  24. Anita

    I am a hybrid, PC + Mac are commonly in my life. I have to say Apple store in Shanghai sometime rather with huge scale or a stand in big chain of electronic store. Rarely you see people hang in around and admire them.

    However, downloading app isn’t Mac’s specialty, I came across for PC, it also full of apps to download.

    If I want to have a good visual impression, I will go to Mac, if I want to easily produce my documents, I will go to PC. There is hard to balance from one thing to another.

    Reply
  25. Sarah

    Hi Jenny from the Blog,

    I love this article and all your posts. My sister showed me your blog a few months ago and I have really enjoyed reading it. Congratulations on your new freelancing endeavour. I would love to follow in your footsteps! I just started a blog and think there are some similarities in our humor. If you have a second- check it out! I hope you enjoy.

    http://sensitivesaladventures.blogspot.com/

    -SS

    PS I am also a PC with an iPod

    Reply
  26. Kristina Harman

    Those Genius Bar guys are always so odd. They seem to have this air of superiority, the way a tattoo artist does when you go in for a small shamrock tattoo on your ankle. I just thinks it’s ironic… Like, dude this is customer service not rocket science.

    Reply
  27. Rorybore

    I can’t resist that store. It’s like the mothership calling me home. And yet, I am PC… because dayum but the mothership toys are expensive. some times I just wish I could get off this crazy tech train, but then I hear the song of my people and I Must Dance.
    Rorybore recently posted…Tuesday Coffee Chat: Woo MeMy Profile

    Reply

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