AKA The Story of One of My Most Awkward Moments EVER! …
Here in South Florida many of us have pool boys. I’m not sure what the PC term is: “pool men,” “pool attendants,” “stewardesses?” Frankly, I think “pool boy” is a compliment, as the term implies — hot, strapping, and young, like the ones in movies (I imagine that’s what they’re like out in LA). For the most part our “pool boys” are not the rippling tan cliche that’ll turn you into a Mrs. Robinson, no, they’re run of the mill guys, some young, some lifers.
For instance, my last one looked more like a plumber in an SNL skit and the one before that had the rawhide face of aged leather, but the one in this story is fine. Not F-I-N-E, fine, but fine in a, he-keeps-the-PH-balanced-so-my-pool-doesn’t-turn-green, kinda way. In fact, he’s a little smarmy looking, he has an overly weathered face that looks out of place with his body, an untamed goatee, and I’ve got an inch or two on him (in flats).
A couple weeks back, there was something stuck in the drain that he couldn’t dislodge. Now mind you, it’s winter. I’m sure it’s not the winter you’re having up north — 1000 below zero temperature (I’m in the know, I watch Hoda and Kathy Lee), so the pool is not optimum temperature for anyone, who doesn’t live in Russia, to jump in.
“Yeah, you’re gonna have to get the husband to fish that out later or it’ll clog the coangudrolic system.” said the pool fella.
“Yeah right, I’m sure my husband will get right on that.”
“I get it, he won’t jump in. You know what, I got it.” (Pauses takes off shirt to show rippling chest, that he clearly spends way too many hours admiring, kicks off shoes and jumps in. Reemerges, glistening with the culprit: a stubborn piece of palm frond. He shakes hair as if in Pantene commercial, and hands me the piece of palm, in case I want to further investigate it.)
“Um thanks, I’ll send it to the lab.” I reply, not feeling the sexiness he is so desperately trying to exude.
He then looks at me the way I imagine Superman looks at Lois after saving her from a breaking dam … again.
Now I’m thinking, he just mentioned my husband to see what my response would be. Also, I’m not so sure the coanudrolic system is a real thing.
Did I mention this is one of the most awkward moments ever? No, that’s because it’s not, the moment that occurred next is.
“You know my girlfriend is very jealous of you?” he said slowly drip drying.
“I’m sorry, what? Huh? Who’s your girlfriend, and why does she have any feelings about me whatsoever?”
“She was in the truck about a month ago and saw you leave and she thinks you’re very pretty, but don’t worry, I told her we’re just friends.”
Okay, NOW it’s the most awkward moment ever.
Which to address first: Thank your jealous girlfriend for calling me pretty or YOU TOLD YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHAT???
“She was very upset, so I explained …”
“Listen, ummmm. I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name.”
“OK, Gil, I don’t know why you would say we’re friends.”
“Well, we’re not more than friends, (pause).”
“No we’re not.” I said, filling the pause.
“So, I wanted to make that clear.”
“Yes, but between ‘more than friends’ and total enemies there is a whole spectrum of explanations of our relationship. Like say, acquaintances, we know each other in passing, she’s a client, I clean her pool (not meant as innuendo!) … I mean, do you not service other women.” Oh G-d can I take that back? Worst phrasing ever!
“Of course I do”
“Is she jealous of them?
“No, because I’m not friends with them.”
“You’re not friends with me.”
“So what, you’re saying is you wouldn’t be friends with the pool guy?”
Sorry, I meant NOW it’s the most awkward moment ever.
“No, I have no problem being friends with a pool guy, I just happen to not be friends with you, who happens to be a pool guy.”
Listen people, before you get all huffy and think I’m being classist or “jobbist,” I’m not friends with my gynecologist either.
“I’m sorry, you need to explain to your girlfriend that we aren’t friends or enemies or anything … and I think you should put your shirt on.”
As everyone knows, It’s weird having a conversation about your friendship with the pool guy when his nipples are all cold and pointing in your face.
He put on his shirt, slipped on his flip-flops, made sure his chip was squarely centered on his shoulder and left in a huff.
Then yesterday, he and his girlfriend came to clean my pool … together. When I walked to the back door to let the dog in, she gave me a look that said, “Oh I’ll cut you bitch.” and he gave me a wink that said, “You get it, she insisted on coming, I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship.”
When they left I called to request a replacement pool steward.
“What seems to be the problem?” Said the unaware receptionist.
“My coangudrolic system needs better maintenance.”
“I’m sorry there’s no such thing as a coangudrolic system ”
I knew it!
Eh, screw it, I’m getting a motorized pool cleaner and we’re going to be the BFFs!
Check Out: 20 Momisms Translated: What we REALLY mean
BE AWESOME SHARE THIS POST
BE AWESOMER TAKE ME SHOE SHOPPING