Yesterday, as I dropped the carpool off at Susan’s house, she ran to the car in a flurry (and trust me, Susan doesn’t usually flurry).
Me: What’s up, did I run over your dog?
Susan all air traffic control arms swinging.
Susan: You have to look at something.
Now the last time she said that all arm swingy it was to watch ducks having non-consensual sex (and I’m not kidding about that, it’s one of my favorite pieces).
Me: No duck sex!
Susan: What? No, it’s not even mating season, duh! You have to look at my eyes, holy shit they don’t match! Stare at them and tell me what is different.
So I stared at them like I was looking at a Highlights magazine and found the differences between the two.
Me: One has more lid?
Susan: Which one?
Me: Ummm, maybe that one?
Susan: Ding ding ding! One has more lid and the other has a droopy old lady lid … and they look ridiculous together.
Me: I don’t know about ridiculous.
Susan: Yeah well Tracey spent half of lunch laughing at them.
Susan: She thinks it’s because I must sleep on that side, I think I’ve slept that way since college! Susan continued while smushing her face to mimic a pillow with her hands.
Me: Yeah, well that could be it.
Susan: I’ll have to sleep on the other side tonight and then check it in the morning.
Me: Yeah, if you’ve been sleeping on that side for like 20 years it probably won’t go back in one night. You’re gonna need to sleep on the other side for about 20 years and then you should be all good.
Susan: Maybe I could take naps to speed up the process?
Me: That’s perfect … or just interact with people from a laying down position.
Susan: That would make for fun parent teacher meetings or I could walk around with my hands smushed to this side of my face.
Me: No, you should just tie a brick to your head … have Ben (her son and mini-Macgyver) fashion a pulley/levee/rope system to keep it tight throughout the day. *pause* You know, at least you have eyelids (I know, too much talk about Susan, right?) Have you looked at my “old eye” lately? *removes sunglasses to show one eye that actually has no lid left and a lump of skin where it hits the lashes*
This of course is not new, we’ve known about my “old eye” for a couple years. I blame it on being on the driver’s side of my face (we all have to blame it on something right?). I’ve lifted it with Botox, but it ended up looking smaller than the other eye … and also it looked like I was always skeptical. You know the one brow lift look? What your kids eats peanut butter and jelly everyday for lunch? Yeah, I don’t think so? So, I recently had it dropped back down with Botox and now it’s just droopy … but at least my eyes seem to match. (From a far. Seriously back away from your computer and look at that pic a second time.)
Me: As long as no one gets too close I’m good.
Susan: Why don’t you just get an eye-patch. That could be like your new thing.
Me: Ooh like Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill, how hot was she in her eye-patch?
Me: And I could bedazzle it! Wait, no, that would be too much.
Susan: Yeah, you’d probably want to keep your eye-patch less conspicuous and more subtle.
That’s a phrase you don’t hear a lot.
Me: Right, maybe a nice Lilly Pulitzer print that says “it’s summer” or a Pucci print for parties.
Susan: Yep, like I said … subtle.
Me: I once had a white eye-patch in high school for a corneal abrasion and I drew an eye on the front and put make up on the eye.
Susan: Sounds normal.
Me: It freaked everyone out because the eye-patch eye never blinked.
Susan: Maybe you should stick to Pucci
Do you ever notice that one of the worst effects of aging may be how batshit crazy your conversations about aging can sound?
PS – I will be using the money I save on Botox to start an eyepatch company. I’m calling it the No-Match Eye-Patch, I’m sure you’ll see the infomercials.
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