WARNING: This post is for peeps reading the Fifty Shades series of “adult” novels… it is most certainly not for my parents my in-laws or anyone who does not want to hear me talk about sex! Just sayin’.
- Fifty Shades of WTF?
Ok, so I’m on the bandwagon. Yes, you people with all your ohhhing and ahhhing and Oh, Mr. Grey-ing and your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium – have got me reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Here’s what I have realized from reading the first two installments of Fifty Shades of Grey: I may start calling my area “my sex,” I find the sound of ripping foil erotic, and I don’t have a very hot sex life! I mean this book makes my “Rocky Road” look like a Shirley Temple, and my “Vanilla” look more like baby formula!
Look, the last book series’s I read were, The Hunger Games, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. So, it’s safe to assume that my psyche is stuck in the young adult section. You know, where the most erotic moment was when a werewolf snuck a kiss with a vampire’s girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, the tent scene in book III was hot too and I do have a small crush on Taylor Lautner, who was most recently in my living room looking like this:
But, on to Grey. The first night I read it, I literally laughed through the writer’s vain attempt at being overly astute. You know, the way Dawson’s Creek was, except on Dawson’s Creek it worked. ( I love you Pacey.) Sorry, where was I? Right. Her attempt to cover smut with SAT words: fail.
By day 2 I’d gotten over the fact that the writing was indulgent and she was using the word “there” in italics, as in down there. Oh my. Yes, I was truly enjoying the read and here’s why: This is just an adult version of all the other fantasies I’ve been reading. Yep, Christian Gray may as well be a vampire and frankly, girls, he’s about as likely to exist. This is every girls fantasy – before she’s been out into the real world or after she’s been in the real world too long, ahem, enter my generation.
Every lady wants a man who’s young, rich, hotter than hell, that hangs on her every word and wants to lavish her with expensive dates, goodies, a personal trainer and incredible sex. She wants a guy to take control and protect her from gun wielding exes and anorexia. -Or something like that.
Like Edward, Christian Gray is a total stalker and like Edward he gets away with it ’cause he’s wealthy, and a total babe with six pack abs.
Ladies – Be warned that like Santa Claus, there are no young hot billionaires that make a hundred thousand an hour, barely work, have hot sex, do things like take you to follow the sun, and make it a point that you will never be cold, hungry, or under-dressed. Though, I do keep thinking of Sting and his tantric stuff during the book, so maybe just Sting.
And Men- you will never meet a girl who goes from a virgin to a sex starved, multiple orgasm having, spanking liking sex slave who’s uncomfortable with you spending money on her! Like mermaids, the tooth fairy, and non lesbian softball coaches: THEY DO NOT EXIST.
Nor do unassisted penetration only orgasms. Frankly, I know 1 girl who’s claimed to have such powers and I can’t say that I can confirm them as I’ve thankfully not been present to see them manifest. Furthermore, you can call me a cynic but the multiple orgasm, nipple pulling educed and penetration only orgasms that Annastasia has are fodder for folklore. Well, folklore to be told in a porn shop.
Don’t get me wrong, Mr Grey is a good lover, there’s teasing and withholding and build up and multiple orgasms.
Teasing in my house is when my husband tells me he’s going to brush his teeth first, and then doesn’t.
Build-up for us is more like a few minutes into the deed when the dirty talk starts and it goes something like this: “wait, wait, don’t. Not yet, not quite yet.” “Can you wait? One more minute, almost, almost…”
And a multiple orgasm is to get to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills afterward without any interruption.
Ok, so I don’t have quite the sex life that Anastasia, her inner goddess, her subconscious, and her hotty have. Oh my.
PS Does it make me sick and perverted that I kinda enjoy the formal and witty emails as much as the sex scenes or does it make you sick and perverted for thinking the opposite? Hmmm wit induced orgasms, now there’s a thought.
PS- if you know anyone reading the book feel free to share it with them.
Very funny. Grey was Edward. As you may know this was a twilight fan fiction called Master of the Universe. Only the names were changed for the book release.
Hey, you’re reading a book so you’re already one up on a lot of people I know and may I just say thankyouthankyouthankyou from authors everywhere.
What AMY? I need more info on that??? I mean, be nonchalant Jenny- relax -take a breath, I’d love to hear more about that. Not that I really care.
Basically, this was a very long fanfic story starring Bella and Edward that garnered 50,000 plus reviews. It was hugely successful in that world and it was picked up by a publisher for original release. There are a millions stories in that world, and the original and growing – getting mainstream – popularity of this one proves that there is something that stands out from the crowd based EL James additions, but the original characters were from twilight, so it’s more than coincidence that they feel familiar. there’s a whole lot of chatter on the amazon review, or check out these two links for more detail:
a fanfic fangirl review:
http://www.popculturejunkie.net/profiles/blogs/master-of-the-universe
(scroll down to the bottom of this link to get to this topic)
http://www.heroesandheartbreakers.com/blogs/2012/01/fifty-shades-of-grey-h-and-hs-reactions
You are welcome Wendy from literate people everywhere
—Damn,
You. Are. Hilareous.
Thanks for the giggle.
No prob inner chick! I’ll be here all night. Hello… is this thing on?
I’M ON BOOK 3 (shouty caps)…love that softball coach analysis…nope, no one like Grey exists! Edward…hmmmm…you’re on to something! And, you’re wittier than Ana! though!
Please don’t use SHOUTY CAPS at me. I get your point. Plus I like to think I’m wittier that her too, but she has a mean multiple orgasm! I prefer to move on to the next thing like cleaning up around the house, watching tivo, playing words with friends, reading trashy novels about other people’s sex lives…
What what what?! I have been wishing good sexy books existed for FOREVER (have you read any “romance novel” shit? ugh.) and you are telling me THEY DO???
I must read this immediately!
The thing about your slightly condescending, acerbic and obviously jealous comments are that they are all true!!! You are so funny. It is worth reading the series just to be able to understand your references.
Linda You are too sweet. Keep saying nice things, I’m incredibly insecure. Ral – pick them up… it’s worth it!