WARNING: This post is for peeps reading the Fifty Shades series of “adult” novels… it is most certainly not for my parents my in-laws or anyone who does not want to hear me talk about sex! Just sayin’.
Ok, so I’m on the bandwagon. Yes, you people with all your oohing and ahhhing and “Oh, Mr. Grey-ing.” And your running to the nearest Pleasure Chest Sex Emporium – have got me reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Here’s what I have realized from reading the first two installments of the Fifty series: I may start calling my vagina “my sex,” I find the sound of ripping foil erotic, and I don’t have a very hot sex life! I think I’ve actually blushed while reading, and I’m not an easy blusher.
Let me qualify where I’m coming from; the last book series’s I read were, The Hunger Games, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. So, it’s safe to assume that my psyche is stuck in the young adult section. You know, where the most erotic moment was when a werewolf stole a kiss from a vampire’s girlfriend? Don’t get me wrong, the tent scene in Eclipse was hot and I do have a small crush on Taylor Lautner, who was most recently in my living room looking like this:
By day 2, I’d gotten over the fact that the writing was indulgent and she was using the word “there” in italics, as in down there. Oh my. Yes, I was truly enjoying the read and here’s why: This is just an adult version of all the young adult fantasy books I’ve been reading. Yep, Christian Gray may as well be a vampire. And frankly, he’s about as likely to exist.
Like Edward, Christian Gray is a total stalker and like Edward he gets away with it ’cause he’s wealthy, and a total babe with six pack abs. Like Edward, Christian makes me rethink my marriage and causes me to ask my husband why he isn’t more thoughtful, attentive, loving, and obsessed with me?
Well, be warned – like Santa Claus, there are no young hot billionaires that make a hundred thousand an hour, barely work, have erotic sex, do things like take you to follow the sun, and make it a point that you will never be cold, hungry, or un-swathed in designer duds.
To be fair, men will never meet a girl who goes from a virgin to a sex starved, multiple orgasm having, spanking liking sex slave who’s uncomfortable with you spending money on her! Like mermaids, the tooth fairy, and non lesbian softball coaches: THEY DO NOT EXIST.
Nor do unassisted penetration only orgasms.
Frankly, I know a girl who’s claimed to have such powers and I can’t say that I can confirm them, as I’ve thankfully not been present to see them manifest. Furthermore, you can call me a cynic but the multiple orgasm, nipple pulling educed and penetration only orgasms that Anastasia has are fodder for folklore. Well, folklore to be told on a porn site.
Don’t get me wrong, Mr Grey is a good lover, there’s teasing and withholding and build up and multiple orgasms.
It’s just that “teasing” in my house is when my husband tells me he’s going to brush his teeth first, and then doesn’t.
“Build-up” for us is more like a few minutes into the deed when the dirty talk starts and it goes something like this:
Me: “wait, wait, don’t. Not yet, not quite yet.”
Hubby: “ok, I’ll wait”
Me: “One more sec, almost. I’m almost…”
And a “multiple orgasm” is defined as getting to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills afterward without any interruption.
Ok, so I don’t have quite the sex life that Anastasia, her inner goddess, her subconscious, and her hotty have. Oh my.
Maybe that’s why I can’t put these books down. I love a good fantasy. I also love the witty emails they send to each other. Hmm wit induced orgasms, now there’s something I can wrap my legs around.
By the way, I recently learned (after writing this piece) that these books were originally fan fic, written for the lovers of the Twilight series. Christian was originally named Edward Cullen and Anastasia was, you guessed it, Bella. That’s possibly another reason so many of us can’t put the series down. We have an inherent connection to the characters and may not even know it.
PS- if you know anyone reading the book feel free to share it with them.