OK, without going into too much medical mumbo-jumbo, I’m supposed to have a new healthy diet, which includes cutting out most carbohydrates. Not fruits and veggies, but Starchy Carbs – like pasta, cereal, rice, baked goods, potatoes, and grains (YES, even if they’re made with yummy grains and oats and the gluten that comes with them).  And Sugary Carbs — like desserts, sodas, juices, and sweets.

So, I shall explain what I’ve learned about these carbs and why they are so truly “sucky” and unhealthy (unless you do a ton of anaerobic activity), in this little vignette where the carbs are the hot guy from high school/college who you so desperately wanted (Be Warned: I’m a Gen Xer so my references may be dated). 

It starts like this: First, you see the hot guy (donut, multigrain bagel, bbq potato chip, bowl of whole wheat spaghetti) and you think, Oooooh you’re cute, I totally want you. Your heart beats a bit faster and you do your best to impress. Now, I realize no one needs to impress a donut to eat it, though I will admit there are times I tell the donut how I’ve worked out earlier that day, in hopes that it doesn’t think I’m a gluttonous slob.

Hot Guy is up for a little conversation – you take a bite. (I mean of the donut, not the guy — this is a comparison remember?) You love your little tête-à-tête and you want more, you crave more, your body can’t get enough (Oh that’s because carbohydrates raise insulin, which then lowers blood sugar, which causes a craving for more food.)  So you talk a little more to Hot Guy and you trade digits! (Trust me the donut’s already got your number).

SCORE, you’re on a high (your adrenal glands are pumping out adrenaline and cortisol and you feel chipper and awake). You can’t wait to get a ring on your new Panasonic speakerphone with something called “speed dial” and a 20 number memory!!! You’d like to call him, but you’re gonna have a little will power here because you know how to play it cool (this is your attempt to diet/eat healthy). You use the excess energy to plan tomorrow’s outfit, because you don’t know which lipstick will go best with the UNITS outfit you’re going to piece together and pair with matching EGs.   You’re thinking Silver City Pink.  No no, Frosted Brownie.

Every time you take a call or have a date, you feel this high and a craving for more, but then there’s also this weird crushing feeling you get after you’ve been separated too long. (The post-carb letdown phenomenon, or the “crash”).  Does he still like me? I love him, everyone loves him… he’s great. He can even pull off Z Cavaricci’s better than Slater on Saved by the Bell.  You’re thinking, Ugh, that makes me Jessie, I like Jessie, but I wish I was Kelly. Jessie’s a bit too straight laced for me. I bet Elizabeth Berkley, the actress who plays her, is such a prude in real life.

You get depressed, feel sluggish, listless… it’s been a while since you’ve spoken. The last time you saw him, you gave him the mate to your silver hoop earring to wear in his left ear … and you don’t even know how it looks yet! You call again in desperation, you can’t quit him and you don’t know when you’ve gone too far. (After eating a lot of carbs free radicals, the atoms that attack cells and age you, assault the neurons that regulate when you’re full, so your body can’t tell when you’re done. AWESOME!) You desperately, ask to see him tonight.

You’re sitting at Bennigans, or Fridays, or Ruby Tuesday, or some other fancy place he took you to and all you can think is, “How does he get his mullet so feathery?” You inhale his Calvin Klein Obsession for Men as quickly as you inhale your Ultimate Nachos. Oh, you’re so into him. Next thing you know your stirrup pants are bunched up in the back seat of his Nissan 300zx and you’re fucked… You slutty carb whore, you. (Insulin was released to help allow carbs into cells where they’re converted into glycogen: the fuel stored to be used during activity, but your cell’s storage was already full or nearly full and the excess became fat! YAY!)

Now Hot Guy doesn’t take your calls or answer the door, even though you he’s home because you did a drive-by! (Over time you can become insulin resistant, which means the cells don’t open for the glycogen when the insulin comes a knockin’.)

You’re thinking, Ugh, was it the Frosted Brownie? Should I have worn Farlows, should I have thrown in more Caddy Shack quotes? (Did I really need to eat the Oreo, bag of chips … half a bread basket?)

You realize, as awesome as Hot Guy seemed, he was bad for you all along … Carbohydrates will cause you to gain weight, screw up your immune system, cause inflammation in your body which ages your organs and skin, and mess with your hormones and health the same way Hot Guy would’ve left you at the prom to hook up with a girl named Jennifer, or Kelly, or worse HEATHER!

Well, screw Heather, and Hot Guy, and carbs.

THE END!

Go ahead, share this with other woman, it could save their lives… well at the very least their virginity (OK, probably not that either).

I know, you’re like, bring on the water works.  I mean with a title like that there’s bound to be a sentimental, emotionally charged poem to follow, right?  Well, you’ll have to see, but (Spoiler Alert), probably not .  Not all of us have perfect marriages.  Frankly, most of us don’t and I kinda think that’s OK.  There’s some value in being a sometimes sucky wife –  just ask my hubby…

I’m like many of you – going at the last minute to buy some cheesy cards that cost $5 bucks a pop and do little more than add to deforestation. I avoid the overly-sweet ones with watercolor painting on the front because my marriage isn’t perfect and the sentiments in those cards don’t quite reflect my feelings. So, I go with humor.

In fact, I’ve noticed that my husband and I have this weird tendency to re-buy the same multi-fold-out cards for each other on our respective holidays year after year.

The Father’s day card has a cat couple and it goes something like this:

“Sometimes I’m bratty when I don’t get my way,

Sometimes I’m bossy and have too much to say.

Blah blah blah, buuuuut I really love you! Have a great Father’s day.”

That’s the general gist anyway. It’s basically an apology for being a naggy and annoying.

The Mother’s day version is similar – a cat couple is fighting and the male cat’s all, “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn, but we always find our way.”

Then the cat couple is driving and the dad cat is lost and he won’t ask for directions and Mom’s looking back at the kittens, shrugging her shoulders, while on the phone (probably calling her lawyer).

Then they’re watching a sports game and the mom cat’s running in circles around the house with the kitties in tow while the dad cat’s ignoring her and he’s all, “Sometimes I get wrapped up in other things, but I always spend the commercials with you guys.”

Then the dad cat’s looking at the price tag of a really expensive pair of Jimmy Mews that the mom cat is at the register paying for because she feels she’s earned them.  (Which she clearly has, because the male is portrayed as a cat schmuck who never asks for directions and only pays attention to the family during the commercials.)

The dad cat looks at the Jimmy Mews and hisses, “We don’t always see eye to eye, but we always compensate.” In the next picture I think he’s cutting up her credit card and throwing the pieces in the air like confetti.

Then the mom cat is taking the kitties to go stay with her family and the a male is drunk and trying to get with some young calico he met in the alley.  But, the calico wants money for services rendered and the dad cat gets a beat down and then he slinks back to the cat-in-laws and he’s all “We always work it out, ‘cause making up is the best part!”

Or something like that … I’m paraphrasing.

Look, Mother’s day was a few months ago, so I may have embellished a bit, but you get the picture. It’s an apology for being a crappy, inattentive, stubborn, annoying husband, buuut it’s okay ’cause they make up in the end.

So this year, I picked up one of those cards and was about to buy it.  Then I thought, I don’t need to apologize for arguing or nagging, that’s what couples do sometimes … even one’s who are in love. Yes, my husband is stubborn and I am bitchy, but we love each other. I don’t want to make light of my annoying ways through a rhyming apology that is only cute because of cat personification. We’ve been married quite a while, he knows my flaws and he’s thankful that I’m cute and cuddly.

So, I got a card that was perfect. Yes, it had cats, but the message was that he’s a great dad cat and my kids and I are lucky to have him.

Does he do things that are annoying?

Daily.

Frustrating?

Hourly.

Does he leave crumbs on the counter and forget to change light bulbs?

Uh ha.

Is he a fabulous dad? 

Without question!

Is he there for me when I need him?

Always.

That might not have been a quality I dreamed my husband would have on my wedding day, but now, it’s the one I am most thankful for.

To all the other Husbands and Dads, mine especially, I hope you have a fabulous Father’s day and that there are spouses and children out there that appreciate all you do.

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Kacy Duke, the cofounder of Equinox and trainer to celebs like: Denzel, Bruce Willis, Julianne Moore, Mary J. Blige, Lenny Kravitz and Kirsten Dunst (to name a few), sat down with me via satellite to discuss fitness for Gen Xers and how it effects skin and aging.

I started by confessing that the first thing to go from my day is my workout… (Look, the next thing to go is my shower, so it’s not like my day involves drinking Margs by the pool), which is why I asked how  she motivates busy Gen Xers like myself… and Julianne Moore? (What, like we’re not similar?) What we should do if we only had 15 minutes a day and how exercise can help with anti-aging.

The skincare through fitness tips included  the Simple Sense Skincare Tool - a diagnostic tool that provides personalized steps and advice for mapping out a holistic skincare routine which includes all natural products, fitness, and other healthy lifestyle advice (I did this, it was really cool.)

Then we talked about Denzel and his abs!!! and she invited me to visit her and the Simple Advisory Board, but she meant on-line. Foiled again. 

This post was sponsored, but frankly, I enjoyed asking a famous trainer how to apply her knowledge to real people.

I’m not going to lie to you all and tell you that I was always punctual, but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, lunches, parties, and appointments. As was made apparent in my “20 Momisms Translated” post, we moms have a lot in common… why should this be any different?

Back in the day, I was late because of normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95. When my kids were babies, it was explosive diarrhea, Exorcist-style spit-ups, and tantrums that all seemed to happen within moments of us leaving.

Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, it’s excuses like this:

Sorry I’m late but …

1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she put it, her socks “hate her.”

2. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.

3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.

4. My kids were fighting over who got which seat.

5. My daughter’s fingernail hurt.

6. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply say goodbye, so we had to roll off the fur, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.

7. Both my children had to make a last-minute poop.

8. It seemed like a good time for them to ask where babies come from.

9. There was a wardrobe malfunction that led to wet underwear and a much-needed last-minute bath.

10. My son skinned his knee walking to the car.

11. My kids got suddenly parched, which led to drinks, which led to snacks. So we’re here to meet you for lunch, but frankly no one is hungry.

12. No one heard me say “it’s time to go,” even though I said it 20 times … at various volumes.

13. My daughter decided this would be a good time to have a meltdown over something that happened hours ago. Did I say hours? I meant days.

14. My kids were fighting over who the dog loves more.

15. My son remembered that he forgot to do some homework.

16. It seemed like a good time to ask about puberty.

17. I couldn’t find my phone … it was in my hand.

18. My son got a fever on the way to the car.

19. My daughter got a horrible headache. When I told her there would be video games where we were going, her headache went away.

20. My dog, who just went out, decided to pee on the floor.

21. My son found the pee … with his foot.

22. My kids were fighting over what radio station to listen to.

23. I couldn’t find one of my kids, he was waiting in the car.

24. It seemed like a good time to ask about homosexuality.

25. My daughter changed 13 times until she felt she was wearing something that said, “I’m fashionable, but not so chic that I can’t meet someone for fro yo.”

26. My son was in the middle of a video game.

27. My kids bumped heads getting into the car.

28. My daughter was in the middle of an episode of “insert Disney/Nick show here _____.”

29. My son’s gums hurt.

30. My kids were fighting over whose tongue is longer.

31. My daughter decided that an old cut needed to be re-cleaned and bandaged. We couldn’t find the cut as it had basically healed, so we cleaned and bandaged where we thought it used to be.

32. I couldn’t find my glasses, they were on my head.

33. My daughter wanted to draw this picture for you. You better love it!

34. A stuffed animal that we haven’t slept with or seen in months was noticed to be missing as we exited the house. Lost signs needed to be made, the milk carton people were alerted, and we ransacked our home to find it.

35. My son fell out of the car while getting into the car.

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On my way back from Monday’s trip to Whole Foods (where I almost punched someone in the throat), I was in my car thinking about my highly inflated purchases, and wondering how much of my food’s airfare I had paid for.

My grapes were imported from from Chile, my oranges from South Africa, and my avocados from Argentina.

Then it dawned on me, my fruit is worldlier than I am!  So, I thought we could kill some time (while stuck in traffic) by discussing travel, good hotels, and sightseeing.

The grapes were extremely friendly. Well, they were seedless, so what do you expect? They went on to warn me about their country.

“Ay dios mio, jou don want to go to Chile. It may mean cold en Ingles, but esta muy caliente . Also, jou should remember to wash us bueno. We may be organic, but jou have no idea how much bug poop jour eating.”

“Wow that was overly informational, Grapes. I’m glad we spoke.”

The oranges were not so pleasant. One cantankerous orange spoke from my biodegradable sack (made of recycled hemp or some such product) and said, “You call yourself a conservationist!?”

“What do you mean, of course I am. I go to Whole Foods and buy overpriced organic foods and bring them home in paper bags and reusable sacks.”

“You live in Florida freakin’ Florida … and you just bought oranges from South Africa! How do you sleep at night?”

“Well, I will have you know, whenever I see an empty plastic bottle I throw it in my SUV and drive it to a collection site, even if that site is miles out of the way. You can’t say I don’t do my share.”

“Yeah? And I bet you leave your car running while you drop it off.”

“Of course I do, it’s super hot in Florida.”

“Waster!”

“Orange”

I know, not so creative, but it’s hard to think of a good comeback to fruit.

“It appears the history of unrest in your country has caused you to become bitter. In addition, I don’t appreciate your tone, Orange. Sheesh, I was just trying to make polite conversation. That is the last time I talk to produce!”

I closed the bag and blasted the AC, to drown out his yelling, but my conscience felt a weird twinge.  I couldn’t put my finger on it though, maybe tonight, when I meditate to the sound of running water (that sound is so calming), I’ll see if I can figure it out.

PS I never figured out what that twinge was about, but I did get revenge on that annoying and overly insightful orange. First, I sliced him in half, then I squeezed him to a pulp. Next, I peeled off his skin and ate his carcass.  I made his friends watch, and then set them free, so they could send a message to other sour citrus.  (What, it worked for Keyser Söze.)

PPS I said that would be the last time I talked to produce, but I lied.

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Be Awesomer, Don’t let me Preach about Being Green, When I Tool Around in My SUV

On Monday morning you should stay further away from me than that divider bar.

Usually in a checkout line, I know the girl at the register. I know where she is from, what she is doing for the holidays and possibly even her stance on gay marriage. By the time I hit the register at Starbucks, the barista has my coffee sitting on the counter with Jenny from the blog, scribbled on it. I mention this, because I am usually friendly and up for chit chat, witty banter, or a bit of repartee that probably annoys the people behind me in line.

However, as I discovered at Whole Foods on Monday, I have some deep-seated aggression. Apparently, if you are too chipper on a Monday morning, and I am in a rush, I may or may not punch you in the throat (or at the very least, threaten to do so).

All of this started when the jolly man in front of me finished chatting up the patron before him. He then turned to me in a “jovial friend to all” mode and quipped, “Hello, may I put this divider down so that you can place your food on the belt? *chuckle…chuckle* That way our food won’t fight.”

My sarcastic response: “Your food wouldn’t be that stupid… I mean, my food could kick your food’s ass.”

His good spirited response: “Well you did buy a lot of organic. You might be right.”

I guess organic food is stronger than the over-processed unnatural stuff, who knew?

Then in a surprise twist, I said this: “If my food doesn’t do the job, I will take you down myself.”

I know, I wasn’t expecting it either.  I’ve never even pulled someone’s hair let alone considered “taking someone down.”

The man was also not expecting said response and looked at me in way that said I’m not only horrified by your cruel attitude, but I am saddened that my attempts at small talk were foiled.

Yes, as a witty banterer myself, I know that part of the joy is simply hearing yourself talk and feeling that you’ve somehow made someone’s day better.  It’s true.  Witty banterers are also uncontrollable narcissists.

Translation: Less talky more swipey, okay there buddy?

It’s Monday, I’m in a rush, and worst of all I am about to spend $159.55 on oranges, an avocado, a piece of Chilean sea bass, a bag of nuts, and 3 grapes.I have every right to be bitter and impatient.

It gets worse… See what happened on the ride home HERE>