Jenny From the Blog presents . . . . The Suburban Jungle

You would probably assume that because I’m a writer, my husband gets a beautiful heartfelt card for every holiday.  Actually, I’m like most of you – going at the last minute to look at the slim pickins and buy some cheesy cards that cost $5 bucks a pop and do little more than add to deforestation.

Unless your husband likes fishing or fixing things you’re shit out of luck from the get go. The funny cards are too queer, though the Far Side always gives me a giggle.  I’ve noticed that my husband and I have this weird tendency to rebuy the same card for each other on our respective holidays year after year.

The Father’s day card has a cat couple and it goes something like this:

“Sometimes I’m stubborn when I don’t get my way,

Sometimes I’m bossy and have too much to say.

Blah blah blah, buuuuut I really love you! Have a great Father’s day.”

That’s the general gist anyway. It’s basically an apology for being a sucky annoying wife 364 days a year. The card might as well say:

“Sometimes I’m a big fat wench, when you look at me the wrong way.

Other times I’m a bratty bitch, when I don’t like what you say.

Often I’m an evil nag, I’m so frustrated I could spit.

I don’t listen when you speak because I’m daydreaming of Brad Pitt.

I pretty much act like I hate you almost every day of the year,

Buuut I really totally Love You, though I rarely make it clear.”

The mother’s day version is similar – a cat couple is fighting and the guy cat’s like, “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn, but we always find our way.” Then the cats are driving and he’s lost and he won’t ask for directions and she’s looking back at the kitties shrugging her shoulders.

Then they’re watching a sports game and the Mom cat’s running in circles around the house with the kitties while the Dad cat’s ignoring her and he’s all, “Sometimes I get wrapped up in other things, but I always spend the commercials with you guys.”

Then the Dad cat’s looking at the price tag of a really expensive pair of Jimmy Mew’s that the Mom cat is at the register paying for because she feels she’s earned them. The Dad cat hisses, “We don’t always see eye to eye, but we always compensate.” In the next picture he is cutting up her credit card and throwing the pieces in the air like confetti.

Then the Mom cat is taking the kitties to live with some calico she met in the alley. The Dad cat shows his claws, but since he is domesticated and therefore declawed he just feels like a pussy.

Then the dad cat is paying off some thug mafia cat and says, “We always work it out, ‘cause making up is the best part!”

Or something like that. Mother’s day was a few months ago so I may have embellished a bit, but you get the picture. It’s an apology for being a crappy, inattentive, stubborn, annoying husband, buuut it’s okay cause we get to make up after I have your calico trash cat castrated.

So this year, I picked up one of those cards and was about to buy it.  Then I thought, I don’t need to apologize for arguing or nagging, that’s what couples do… even one’s who are in love. Yes, my husband is stubborn and I am a nag, but we love each other. I don’t want to make light of my annoying ways through a rhyming apology that is only cute because of cat personification. We’ve been married a decade, he knows I am a bitch and he is thankful I’m cute and cuddly.

So, I got a card that was perfect. Yes, it had cats, but the message was that he’s a great Dad cat and my kids and I are lucky to have him.

Does he do things that are annoying? Daily. Frustrating? Hourly. Does he snore and fart in his sleep? Yep. Does he leave crumbs on the counter and forget to change lightbulbs? Uh ha. Is he a fabulous dad?  Absolutely.

Is he there for me when I need him? Always.

That might not have been a quality I dreamed my husband would have on my wedding day, but a decade in, it’s the one I am most thankful for.

So to my husband, I hope you enjoyed your day. I love you! To all the other Dad’s, mine especially, I hope you have a fabulous Father’s day and that there are spouses and children out there that appreciate all you do.

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