Me and about 200,000 other people had this brilliant idea to spend Spring Break at Walt Disney World. Sure, we could’ve done something more relaxing — like sky diving, but we chose this destination because we like lines. Love lines. Love the way that by simply roping off lines into a maze like snake shape so one could walk nearly a mile without ever leaving a room.
OK, lines make me insane, I can truly only half pay attention to anyone as I’m busily trying to assess how fast we’re moving and how much time we have left. While standing in the first line of the day, my daughter asked who played Mickey Mouse. “I don’t know. I guess Walt Disney was the first Mickey, but not anymore, he’s dead.” Maybe I should’ve thought out my response because my daughter’s reaction was to scream, O M G, MICKEY MOUSE IS DEAD??!! There are no rules in Disney about what you can and cannot say, but I’m gonna guess if there were that would literally top the chart. Holy crap. I’ve never seen so many chipper little happy faces fall into frowns and tears so quickly, as moms struggled to do damage control while intermittently giving me the stink eye.
Sadly, it went down hill from there. I began to suffer what I call “line dementia,” that’s when crazy shit comes out of your mouth simply to fill time and to mess with your children for your personal amusement — it’s somewhat of a survival tactic. Of course, it doesn’t help when you’re about to hurl after going on the ride from hell: AKA The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party ride. (Do not let those cute cups and saucers fool you.) Regardless of why one suffers this affliction, be warned that your amusement may cause future therapy for your children. Eh, screw it, I mean you are in an “amusement” park, right?
Waiting for Pirates of the Caribbean:
11yo Son: Mom, what is with all the turkey legs? People eating them look like cavemen.
8yo Daughter: I feel really bad for those turkeys.
Me: How do you think the turkey’s feel? You know, without any legs?
8yo Daughter: Huh?
11yo Son: Mom, they don’t just take the legs.
Me: Yes, they do. I can picture them now on tiny little turkey crutches.
8yo Daughter: Well, at least they can fly.
Me: No, I think turkeys are flightless birds because they’re really heavy.
8yo Daughter: That sucks.
Me: Well, maybe without the weight of their legs they can get off the ground.
8yo Daughter: Yeah, and then they’d be able to fly like they probably wanted to all along.
(Future therapy averted … silver lining found … ready to board boat)
Waiting for The Haunted Mansion:
11yo Son: (Referring to the people who’s job it is the continuously walk forwards and sometimes backward on the treadmill like pathways) Those people must walk like a gazillion miles a day. I wonder if they like they’re jobs.
Me: I know, and they don’t even get paid to do it.
11yo Son: What do you mean?
Me: They’re on weight loss programs they do it because they can’t afford a gym and this is free … if you’re willing to wear the costume and remind people to keep their arms in the ride at all times.
8yo Daughter: Look at that skinny guy, I bet he’s been working here a long time.
Waiting for the Reflections of Earth fireworks display to start at Epcot:
Me: You know tomorrow we’re going to the Animal Kingdom?
11yo Son: What’s it like?
Me: I don’t know, I’ve never been, but be prepared for lunch.
11yo Son: Why what’s lunch?
Me: You have to hunt for it.
11yo Son: No you don’t.
Me: Yes, you do, right mom (turn to my mother who is in the middle of a game of Bejeweled Blitz.)
My Mom: Huh? Yeah, that’s right.
Me: It’s the “Circle of Life Experience,” I signed us up for it like 6 months ago … it’s really hard to get into.
My Mom: (Now paying attention) It cost a fortune so we’re not cancelling.
11yo Son: (to 8yo and freaking out a bit) You know we have to hunt for our lunch tomorrow?
8yo Daughter: No we don’t.
11yo: Yes we do … I’m having fish!!!
(I love when one of them inadvertently takes over for me.)
8yo Daughter: I don’t like fish. I wanted a burger.
Me: Well, you’ll have to hunt a deer, that’s the only meat option.
8yo Daughter: A deer?
Me: Yep, like Bambi.
8yo Daughter: (now crying) Nooooo, I don’t want to kill a deer.
I know, too far, right? Don’t worry, I set them straight we all had sundaes and Bambi is as safe as Walt ever wanted her to be. He clearly didn’t feel the same about her mother.
At Animal Kingdom walking a trail in fake Asia:
Me: Up ahead there are Asian tigers
11yo Son: Why Asian tigers?
Me: We’re in Asia, so they’re Asian tigers … you know, verses African tigers?
11yo Son: Wait, the Asian tigers are going to fight the African tigers?
(I didn’t even do that on purpose, but I guess the word verses was somewhat confusing, so I went with it.)
Me: Yep, they will fight in an arena and it’s a character experience. A guy dressed as Simba will stand at a counter taking your bets.
11yo Son: That is so cool! Are we doing that?
Me: Nope, I had reservations but gave them up when you said you were too old for characters.
I know, sick right, and yet I feel you’ve probably had a bout of this dementia as well, sometimes insanity makes one feel more sane. What’s the most ridiculous thing you ever told your kids for your amusement.
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