Do you Have a Move-a-Body Friend?

At a conference I attended earlier this year I heard the amazing Brene Brown, give a speech about, move-a-body-friends, (MABFs): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and dispose of a body, no questions asked.

At first I thought, well, who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task? Next I thought, who will I have to “off” to test that my supposed “Move a Body” friends will follow through?  Then it dawned on me, Brene was simply speaking metaphorically, and I put down the knife.

I didn’t stop there, I mean, I did put down the knife, but I thought I’d check with one of my besties to see if she would move a body for me, or at least share one of those “Best Friend” charms with me.

Me: Hey.

Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up

Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?

MABF: Wait, say that again?

Me: Would you move a body for me?

MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?

Me: Yep.

MABF: How did it die?

Me: Does that matter?

MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose?  Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident.

How quickly we assume it’s the husband?

Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.

MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?

Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.

MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to kill someone with a plastic container? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.

Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!

MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.

Me: I just told you I’d beat him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved.  Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long.  I want you to know I’m starting to rethink our friendship.

MABF: Why do we have to move it?  Couldn’t we just say it was self defense?

Me: Fine, but in that scenario you’d have to rough me up to make it look real.

MABF: Yeah, I could do that.

Me: I feel like you answered that so effortlessly and yet, the rest of this pow-wow isn’t going the way I’d hoped.

MABF: Look, I wouldn’t rule the whole disposal thing out, I’d just have to know a little more.

Me: Is that your way of saying you’d be up for the conversation?

MABF: Would it go like this, “Hey Tracey, what did you get at Saks yesterday?  What are you making for dinner?  What should I do with the body in my kitchen?”

Me: Yes … but frankly, I wouldn’t care what you’re making for dinner.

MABF: Then sure why not? Would you have extra bagels?

Me: Yep.

MABF: I’m in. So, what are you doing for breakfast, I’m hungry.

As it turns out, I do have an MABF; a meticulous, crafty one, who’s willing to beat me up, if necessary. I’m so lucky!

What crazy stuff have you done for your  MABFs? I’m making a list for next week’s article.

I’ll start — I’ve jumped in a pool in a beautiful silk dress because an MABF jumped in at the end of her 40th birthday party in a fun attempt to reclaim youth or maybe she was just super drunk, but I thought she shouldn’t be in there celebrating alone.

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30 thoughts on “Do you Have a Move-a-Body Friend?

  1. Kiran@Masalachica

    You know, I don’t know if I have a Move a Body Friend. That makes me really sad. I have good friends, sure. They would help me if I was sick. Come comfort me if someone in my family passed. Take care of my kids if I wasn’t able to.

    But NOT one of them would ever move a stinking body for me.

    And that hurts. That really, really hurts.

    You are so blessed. I would avoid the cream cheese container and go straight for the heavy lamp in my living room. Uggh and I hate the sounds my husband makes when he eats.

    But I won’t do anything because I don’t have a friend who would move his body.

    fuck.
    Kiran@Masalachica recently posted…Facebook Rules!My Profile

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    1. Jenny from the blog Post author

      I feel like this is something you should show them, so that they realize they may be called upon and that others would be willing to do such things for besties. A little guilt between friends never hurts. Frankly, it’s the fear of it being “there body” that keeps my friends in line!!! PS loved the comment and the one you left over at ScaryMommy on my 40 Things Moms Should have or Know by 40!

      Reply
  2. Tray

    I love that I am your MABF-as you are mine!! BTW-I do appreciate you jumping in the pool in your silk dress for me!!

    Reply
  3. Kelly

    You’ve given me a lot to think about here…. do I have one of these friends? Hmmm

    Craziest thing I’ve done for a friend would have to be drove 3 states away when a BF broke up with her to do “Kelly Live in Concert” for her with a boy bashing song…wish I could remember what song, but I remember acting it out in her dorm room… I guess I’m just thankful youtube wasn’t around in those days.
    Kelly recently posted…Weathering Frakenstorm to Say Goodbye to GrandmaMy Profile

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  4. Barry

    You get to a certain age and you’re lucky to be able to lift the body, much less move it. That being said, you can count on me if you really needed someone. I hope it wouldn’t be your husband, he’s my favorite son-in-law. You say, “he’s my only son in law”. Don’t diminish my relationship with him, he’s still my favorite.

    Reply
  5. Gofil

    This is a great post, some of us are blessed with more than one MABF, I have two MABF’S and since I am getting really old now it’s gonna take both of them too help me take care of the bodies. It’s been a long running joke for us as to who do you call at 2am, I’m glad to see that more people have noticed a need for that quality of a friend. Remember it takes two to bury a body safely
    G

    Reply
  6. Dana

    So I’m all for the MABF but if you can’t find one, maybe step it down a notch and see if you can find a PYCHF. This would be a “pluck your chin hairs friend.” Depending on how sharp and persistent those little fuckers are, those jobs are hard to fill.

    Reply
  7. Bari

    MABF… I’m impressed. I’m really glad you have such tight friendships. I jut pray it isn’t my body you want to move.

    Reply
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  10. Kitt Crescendo

    I’m actually lucky enough to have a couple of friends like this. My oldest gal pal and I pretended to share her boyfriend back in high school for reasons that, looking back, kind of seem foolish. The other friend is former military…and a lot of those stories happened while he was serving so I’ve promised him I’d take those secrets to the grave…
    Kitt Crescendo recently posted…Awkward Emergencies And Other Hilarious MomentsMy Profile

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  16. Stephanie Jones

    This post is hilarious and definitely got me thinking. I have 2 no questions asked MAB besties. The other two would take some convincing and bribing. lol I myself am a MABF, maybe too much because as an analytical Virgo I would be constructing the perfect cover up story as we move said body. It’s important for everyone to have a friend of this caliber.

    Reply
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