Category Archives: parenting

Kids with Attitudes are the So Fun: Random Conversations

New hair cut

Hairdresser having just cut and blown it out. It’s not bad, right?

The other day I got a haircut. Ry (my 10yo daughter) got in the car and simply said, “hair cut.” In a robotic, I see you got one, so I’m making an effort, but this conversation shall go no further, because I’m pretty much a teenager already, kinda way.

Me: Human child. (I said robotically, pointing out the obvious, in kind.)
She picked up her iTouch and disengaged.

Me: What, you don’t like it?

Ry: Nope, I hate it. *looks back at iTouch*

Me: I always tell you not to say mean stuff.

Ry: Yeah, you also  tell me if I don’t have something nice to say, not to say anything at all, which is what I was trying to do. (There was no, “duh” at the end, but it was implied.)

Touche.

Me: For your information, my hair hates you too. (I said in an effort to have a convo one of the other personalities in my little “Sybil,” which they all become somewhere around 3 years old.)

Ry: Whatever.
Then I made a crying sound. (Oh, I will not relent.)

Ry: Really Mom?

Me: It’s not me … it’s Hair. You don’t care that Hair is sad?  Well, my hair will never talk to you again.

Ry:  K (She said, in the way I imagine Miley talked to Billy Ray when he would threaten to take away her allowance if she didn’t clean your room. Actually, that conversation may have been the other way around, but you get the point.)

Me: What what did you say?

Ry:  Nothing momm…

Me: Shhhh shhh, I can’t hear Hair, she’s whispering… (Oh, I know how to play this game) … No, I don’t know what happens when a curling iron, a flat iron, and a crimping iron walk into a blowdry bar??? *huge laughter and knee slapping*

Ry: (laughing too)  Stop Mom, you’re so weird.

Me: You’re right, that is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard. *laughter laughter*

Ry: Mom?

Me: Are you serious hair? Did they arrest her?

Ry: Mom?

Me: Yeah, I know a bail bondsman.

Ry: Mom, please stop.

NEVER… I’m on a roll.

Me: Who said, that? Oh Ry, you’re still in the car? I totally forgot, I was son enthralled by Hair… She’s hilarious. I’m sorry, hairlarious. Hair just told me to say that.

Ry: That was so corny.

Me: Hair, knows.  She was being ironic by saying something corny because you will never get to see the true depth of her humor.

Ry: Mom, you’re ruining my brain.

Me: Fine no more hair talk.

Ry: No, keep doing it.

Do I Win Neurotic Mom of the Year or Would This Make You Insane Too?

Yes, I have problems sitting on the “sick side” of the pediatrician’s office. Yes, I assume the person before me at every restaurant, arcade, amusement park, and grocery store shopping cart has picked their nose and wiped it somewhere within reach. Yes, I’ve experienced the catch 22 where I want all tables wiped down before I’m seated, but have also convinced myself that the germs spread from those over used rags are far worse than the left over food residue that currently contaminates the space.

I’m neurotic. I get it, but am I the only one?

I think not. After talking to a few friends about poultry, my worst phobia, I realize that I’m a member of a very large crowd. A very large, very disturbed crowd.

Neurotic MomThen I met the Bubble attraction, Continue reading

My Daughter’s New Year’s Resolutions – I’m So Proud

IMG_7212 To ring in the New Year I asked my children what their New Years Resolutions would be and Ry’s was three things: 1. Get more of those comfy sweats made of that stuffed animal like material. 2. Play with dolls more. 3. Be more charitable.

I’m not quite sure if she totally understands the whole New Years Resolutions thing, as the first two seemed a bit more self-serving, but the third more than made up for any lack of understanding. In fact, hearing her utter the third, gave me chills. You see, over the holidays, Continue reading

Top 12 Resolutions for 2015 – For People With No Willpower Whatsoever

12 Resolutions ANYONE Can Keep For 2014 - Even those with no willpower whatsoeverI’m so tired of looking back at the resolutions of the past year and realizing they lasted no longer than a week, which is why this year, my resolutions for 2015 are way less ambitious.

1. Gain Weight

I’m going to quit all good eating habits ASAP. I vow to add carbs to my diet with reckless abandon. I’ll start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I’ll stuff food into my mouth with such fervor it’ll make other diners uncomfortable to watch. I also vow Continue reading

It’s All Bully Talk and No Action

IMG_7070

The title sounds like something you would see on Pinterest — in “4 easy steps to beat bullies,” but it’s not. It’s not easy for our kids to combat bullying or even understand it. As a child of the 80’s, “bully” wasn’t the buzz word it is today. We all got bullied to some degree. We were teased and made fun of over the smallest things, from clothes, to acne, to not developing fast enough or too fast, to how you pronounced a single word. Teachers generally ignored it or wrote it off as part of the growing up process and left the dirty work to after school specials and “One to Grow On.”

(Well, unless you were the bully, which we now know was probably Continue reading

Getting Back at the In-Laws – a Thanksgiving Tradition

happythanksgiving 2Let’s face it, sometimes in-laws can drive us crazy.  Mine love to whisper in front of me in a rather loud rendition of a whisper… (among other things).

But on Thanksgiving I get them back, or should I say, “I give it back” and isn’t that the point of Thanksgiving … the giving? Yes, it’s a Thanksgiving tradition.

You see, I’m a poultry-phobe.  I fear fowl, and when cooking it, I’m usually convinced that poultry is simply a bunch of salmonella clumped together in the shape of wings, breasts, turkeys etc.  You know, like the way meat was shaped for the McRib? In fact, whenever I see a picture on Facebook where someone has stupidly stuck an entire raw turkey on their head (and I’ve seen a few), I assume they are going to die. Continue reading

Men Can’t FInd A Thing Which is Why They Need Crotch Radar

Below, is a story that started on my Facebook Fan Page this week. Frankly, I’m not sure how it went where it did or how we all sunk to this level, but we did … and it was fun.

man can't find things

Thursday is my free morning – by that I mean my husband works from home — and because he loves me — he makes the kids’ lunches and breakfast, so that I can get an extra hour of sleep. However, it never quite works out that way… He often wakes me to ask what the kids eat (though he’s been doing this every thursday for years), or what fruit to serve with breakfast or something like this …

Mark: We don’t have any bread, what should I make the kids for lunch?

Me, groggy and annoyed to be asked this question: Yes, we do have bread, so make a sandwich.

Mark: No we don’t, I looked.

Me: Well, we did last night and I bet it’s not gone. Are you gonna make me get up to show you.

Mark: Yeah, I am because it’s not there. Continue reading

Women Can Be Such Bitches|But Sometimes People Deserve It

woman-frustratedFun fact: This is an old post that I took down because I got so much flack for being such a horrible wife. Now, 3 years later, I’m over 40 and frankly don’t care if you people think I’m a horrible wife. Also, if I’m being honest, we all have our meltdowns and our horrible wife moments, if you don’t than you probably shouldn’t be at this particular site. PS you know who really thought this post was funny, my husband.

Hubby: “Jenny are you busy?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m writing.” Continue reading

My Husband is Cocky Stubborn and Relentless |What’s Wrong with Yours

We all have those little things that irk us about our spouses.  Some women tell me that their husbands are too involved in every little decision around the house, making buying a new chair harder than getting your toddler to try broccoli.  Some women tell me their spouse’s are so tight with money that they can’t buy a ribbed tank without a budget discussion.  Well, neither of those are Mark.  For the most part he’s hands off when it comes to decisions and purchases (yay for me).  No, mine is an obstinate man with a desire to do everything in the easiest quickest way… with little remorse to boot.

Yesterday while dropping my son at a friend’s house he decided to tailgate the guy in front of him to get through the guard gate.  G-d forbid he waits in the line like an average Joe.  No, he has places to go and people to see.  BTW I,  (nagging wife) have warned him that this habit would end in damage to his car.  To which he has assured me the gates will stay open for him.  I mean don’t they know who he is?!?  Hello? Continue reading

Lice – Breaking Down the Sanity of Our Society – One Mother at a Time

lice ecardLast weekend was my first time dealing with lice. I say first time, not because I’m expecting more, but to justify the level of manic lunacy that ensued. Look, I’m not proud of the series of events that unfolded or how I handled them, but I bet I’m not the only mom who’s lost sanity over those little buggers.

Being the neurotic person that I am, I spent the first twenty minutes trying to convince the mom who found said lice that she was certifiable and that no child of mine would EVER bring such an unseemly infestation into my home. Her child had lice the week before and she explained that she noticed my daughter itching her head, which she thought warranted further investigation. Then “the mom” all but put a nit (lice egg sac) in my cornea and I still claimed not to see it.

Crap, it’s 7PM on a Saturday night, my daughter is now crying over her lost sleepover. And I’m pretty sure there’s no place or person available to rob me blind and comb out the lice/rid my house of them, in return! 

This is when I made the shift from being your run of the mill mildly annoying naggy wife to a “we will get a fucking divorce if you don’t listen to my insane rantings and follow my orders to a T” wife. Continue reading

My Organs Are Spoiled Brats

Funny-And-Creative-Toilet-SignsThis post is gonna have to be filed under: Brilliant ideas I have to make life easier for everyone! or maybe my Norma Rae moment. Wait, did you not get that reference? How about Network? “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

No?

So, we’ve all discussed my bladder issues (you may recall the Momfession video where I outed myself) … Anyhoo, I was with my doc the other day and she asked if I ever hold it when I have to pee.

Me: You mean like Michael Jackson style or with my mind?

Doc: I guess, if I have to pick between those choices, I’d say with your mind? Continue reading

We CAN All Just Get Along – Ask a 9 Year Old

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?The most amazing thing about a child’s imagination is that anything is possible. Even the most intelligent, imaginative adult can’t grasp the sheer power of that one ability. We tend to lose sight of how much we can add with our minds by expecting everything to be realistic and tangible.

As a child, my Barbies could be on a ski trip — barreling down a steep mountain. They didn’t need to be bundled up in coats and boots, they didn’t need skis … hell, I had a Ken that didn’t have a head for at least 6 months before he got replaced. Continue reading