Category Archives: parenting

First Child vs Second Child – 10 Things Parents Do Differently

1st Child vs 2nd Child: 10 Ways Things Are Different #humor #parenting #funny #list #siblingsWhen I had my first child, I wanted to do everything by the book. I was so nervous that the tiniest misstep would somehow break the baby. In fact, one of my first pieces was about how shocked I was that they just let me leave the hospital with this infant.

What were they thinking?

I had no clue what to do with him. In fact, the only requirements were that I show them my car seat and make the obligatory poop, which I later found out wasn’t even TRULY obligatory. (I had to do more to get a library card! Not that my library asked me to poop before giving me a card because that would be suspect… though I did anyway — for good measure). Anyhoo…

I was determined to rise to the challenge — All toys were sanitized before they came within 10ft of my child. People were sanitized too, they were also grilled as to when they were last sick, if they knew proper baby handling techniques, the date of their last TB test and if they were taking any meds that would prohibit them from operating heavy machinery (well, if that can’t drive a crane, they certainly can’t hold my baby).

Then came child number two, and I raced to get her home … it’s amazing how much changes between your first and second. You can blame it on the lack of time needed to be as anal, ahem, meticulous as you were with the first, or maybe it’s simply a gain in experience and confidence, but the differences are undeniable. Do any of these first child vs second child differences sound a wee bit familiar…

1) First Child: “Oh, no First dropped a teething toy/pacifier. I need to go home and sterilize that puppy even if First cries the whole way back… it’s too unsanitary.

Second Child: “Look Second dropped her teething toy/pacifier. Is there any hair on it? No? Good.” *huffs on with mouth, wipes on pant leg and gives back to child*

2) First Child: Is only allowed to watch super educational videos (so we thought) like Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby – and you watch with First and follow along with a pointer while clapping and humming, like they demonstrate in the videos.

Second Child: Whatever First is watching should be fine. “Oh, it’s Annoying Orange? OK, then I’m sure there’s some value in that. Fruit is really healthy.” Then you smartly excuse yourself from the room as this may be your only free time all day and the last thing you want to do with it is watch some ear screeching orange do things your child will imitate for the rest of the year.

3) First Child: “I can’t use these wipes straight from the bag. They’ll need to sit in the wipe warmer to reach the optimal temperature for First’s precious bottom.”

Second Child: “I can’t use these wipes from the wipe warmer. Then Second will scream when we use cold ones … We should throw that addictive thing away before Second knows its powers.”

4. First Child: “I will breastfeed until that kid gets teeth, and on a perfect schedule in the comfort of my home while I rock in our glider to the tunes of Raffi.”

Second Child: “This cafe looks like a great place to whip out my bosom, to the tune of people dining and gawking … well screw them, do they not have the National Geographic Channel?”

5) First Child: You’re signed up for Mommy and Me and Kinder Music and Gymboree and Baby Sign Language and Baby Massage and Youthful Yoga because they are all stimulating and wonderful for their mental and physical growth.

Second Child: You’re not wasting your money on most of that stuff, the park is awesome!

6) First Child: You keep an awesome baby book with every detail of First’s days.  What else do you have to do but marvel at your creation and log First’s every milestone and experience?

Second Child: You pick that book up every 6 months and try to mentally back track. “Crap, when did you start walking? Rolling? Eating solid food?” Sadly, your memory is shot and that first year is mostly a blur, so you write in rough estimates. “Second took first steps somewhere between 8 and 14 months. It was amazing, I think.”

7) First Child: (While staring at every blip on the baby monitor) “Oh G-d First’s been crying for 2 minutes straight!!!! I can’t Ferberize this baby, it’s cruel and horrible, I must go to First.

SecondChild: “Oh is that crying? I had the monitor off — Real Housewives Reunion is on.”

8) First Child: Having first child’s swing/exersaucer/play-mat is just adorable mixed in with our adult furniture.

Second Child: All of our adult furniture is hard to find, mixed in with all the exersaucers/swings/bouncers/toys/dolls and play-mats.

9) First Child: “You’d like to babysit my precious little darling? Well, I’ll need to do an interview get 5 references and do a lengthy background check. Leave me your SSN and resume.”

Second Child: “You want to babysit my adorable yet rambunctious kids and you’re free Saturdays? Do you have references? Great, no need to give me their numbers, I’m sure they’d say nice things.”

10) First Child:  You think you can never ever love anything as much as this little being. Part of you feels bad for the second child before he or she arrives.

Second Child: You realize you can actually love more than one person so deeply and you’re in awe of how true that statement is.

Do ya feel me???

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I Love that My Daughter Loves Barbies

That’s my confession. Barbie hasn’t fiendishly ruined my daughter’s self image — quite the opposite — she’s helped her learn to solve problems, to be accepting, to stretch her imagination, and to have compassion.I love that my daughter loves Barbies #barbieproject #humor #sweet #mom #barbie #play

As a card carrying Gen-Xer, I had an obsession with Barbies. I played with them until I was nearly 14, which I try not to admit in public because at that age, your Barbies are basically having make-out sessions that lead to awkward Barbie hookups, which is both ironic and also impossible – hello, has anyone seen Ken’s crotchal region? 

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8 Cutting Edge Gen X Items That Our Kids Would Find Archaic – Remember When?

8 Things That Were Cutting Edge to Gen Xers That our Children Would Totally Laugh At #generationx #humor #nostalgia #rememberwhen #momhumor #atari #80sREMEMBER WHEN? Here are a couple of “modern” Gen X items that our kids would totally make fun of today… (Warning: waxing poetic about these things will only make you feel old, uncool, and out of touch)
I’m what they call a video store brat (and by they, I mean, me). In the 80s and 90s my dad owned a chain of video stores. We rented tapes for Betamax and VCRs, we had “state-of-the-art” video game systems and their games for sale and we had a room that was heavily secured with a retina scanner (I mean a black curtain on a shower rod). We were cutting-edge.

 

My job (for a buck an hour, plus the freedom it gave my parent to work the store with little guilt), was to demo the games for customers looking to buy them. Yep, I got paid to play Super Breakout, Asteroids, Pitfall, Kaboom, Adventure, Circus Atari, Super Mario (the original) … I had the awesomest job, like, ever.When I tell my kids about it, they just laugh. Atari and Coleco, and Nintendo are so arcane, the idea of wanting to play something where your man is not much more than a blip on a screen seems more like punishment than playtime.
“Guys, did you hear me, I got paid to play video games, do you not think I’m like the coolest mom?”

“Nah.”

“What do you mean, nah? I had to take a picture of my Missile Command score and send it in, it was so high.  I was working with advanced technology — the stuff sci-fi is made of.”

“Mom, you’re cool, OK? *gives telling wink to sister, as if to say, Ugh Mom is so not cool*

But Gen Xers are cool, we were there at the beginning of the digital revolution, we were there for the start of something, something big, but the technology that was totally groundbreaking then, is totally embarrassing now. Here are a few…

1. Joysticks – I’m thankful they aren’t around anymore, as I prefer my kids get their carpal tunnel syndrome the modern way … through texting.

2. Fotomats – “Wait, you used to be able to print and hold actual pictures in the olden days? Why?” said some child somewhere. “Yep, and we used to walk our pictures over to Instagram and Facebook way back then … it took much longer to post a status update,” said I, in response.

3. Dial up internet - Our kids will never know the joy of hearing that screeching sound and knowing in a short 15 minutes they’ll be connected to a world of weird people waiting in chat rooms. PS – If it takes 20 seconds for something to load, my kids start to cry.

4. Floppy disks – It only took like 37 of them to save a single program, now my kids download 37 programs, ahem, apps in the amount of time it takes to get called in to see the dentist.

5. Answering machines – I guess voice mail is similar enough. Though your kids will never know the joy of running home to see if that little light is blinking or the defeat when you realize there wasn’t a message from (insert important crush here), or the panic when the tape ran out or got eaten by the machine before you got to hear all your messages (that was worth crying over).

6. The cassette tapes that replaced our awesome 45s, LPs, and 8-tracks and the CDs that replaced our awesome cassette tapes – My kids think CDs would make good coasters.  I think that’s a sign that they don’t understand the point of a coaster.

7. Microfiche or what I like to call retro-Google – What a time suck that was, now you can just say what you’re looking up into your phone and it will magically appear, well, after you repeat it multiple times to Siri, or Robin, or Scott Baio or whoever your personal phone assistant is (I hear Scott’s hard up for work – funny, I thought I’d marry him one day, now I’m just hoping he’ll direct me to the closest Starbucks).

8. Video stores – Where someone like me could make a living — well, make enough to buy a bubblegum flavored ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. (Please tell me there are still Baskin-Robbins’?)

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  • 8 Things That Were Cutting Edge to Gen Xers That our Children Would Totally Laugh At #generationx #humor #nostalgia #rememberwhen #momhumor #atari #80s
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24 Stupid Things Mommy Brain Has Made Us Do – It’s Not Our Fault, People

24 Stupid Things Mommy Brain Has Made Moms Do.... #funny #momhumor #guilty #parenting #momnesiaThis is what I’ve realized as I’ve aged… Though I have an uncanny ability to remember theme songs to sitcoms and John Hughes movies, verbatim, I have no ability to remember where I left my keys, the names of people I see on a daily basis, what pending appointments I have, or why I just walked into this room?! I’ve also realized one can get hair on their pinky toes, WTF is that?

SO, in the name of “Full Disclosure About Utterly Stupid Shit I’ve Done,” I give you my momnesia moments -  Just don’t judge me, as I’m not the only numskull … My awesome  Facebook Followers added some… (they will one day keep me company in a padded room). Or we can all blame Mommy Brain together.

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The Difference Between Men and Women- Just Ask Your Pimp

The following convo highlights the difference between men and women. 

So, I got this new Jord watch which I’m kind of obsessed because it’s wood and I love wood jewelry and everyone that’s seen it has complimented it and marveled at the fact that it’s wood.

Mark was like, “You realize this is the first time in years when your watch has had the actual time?”

Me: Yeah, it’s weird.

Mark: What’s weird is that you wear watches that don’t work.

Me: They work, they just need batteries or they have to be shaken like once a day – and I find that tedious, plus I use my phone for the time.

Mark: So why do you even wear a watch if it has no function?

Me: It does… A. My wrist would feel funny without one and B. It completes my outfits.

Mark: So you’re not wearing it to perform its intended function, you’re wearing it because it would look funny without it?

Me: Yep, do you really think I enjoy wearing heels everyday and sinking into the playground sand? No, I wear them because I’ve found I look stumpy in flats (cankles) and also towering over people makes me feel superior.

Mark: Well we both no your bras have no real function, but you wear them.

Me: Ha, that was really witty, 12 year old boy.

Mark: Guys just don’t think the same way. There are no men who would wear things that don’t serve a function.

Me: Really, what about pimps? Continue reading

20 Ridiculous Things Your Kids Will Complain About on Your Disney Vacation

20 Insane Things Your Children Will Complain About On Your Disney Vacation #humor #disney #momhumor #funny #list #top10 @Jenny From The BlogA few years ago, on the way home from our Disney vacation, Ry begged for just one more ride … on the luggage cart. “Please mom, it’s my favorite,” she whined. Ohhh the irony. That is why I had to write this…

What I marvel at, (aside from the throngs of people chomping on those Neanderthal looking turkey legs), is the fact that my kids can find things to cry and complain about almost constantly in the place where dreams come true. Continue reading

The Gen X Road Trip: As Kids vs With Our Kids

The Gen X Road Trip: As Kids vs WIth Our Kids ( #humor #funny #nostalgia #rememberwhen #80s #genX ) @Jenny From The BlogYou guys know how I’m a slightly obsessed, nostalgic Gen Xer? Seriously, things were so different when we were kids.  Take the road trip … Sure, there are  similarities — we elbowed our siblings, rolled our eyes at our parents as they blared their oldies, and asked “How much farther now?” more times than the Smurfs on their way to visit Father Time. (How many of you were with me for that reference?) And yes, my kids have to go to the bathroom the second we hit the highway, the same way we did, but that may be where the similarities end. Here’s proof:

AS KIDS: Wow, were our games complex. There was I SpyMake the Trucker Honk His HornThe License Plate GameGHOSTMad Libs, those Yes & Know invisible ink pads, and the most desperate game of all: the Wave Game, which was played in desperate times and consisted of you and your siblings waving at people in passing cars and then fighting over who got the most waves back. (It was hard to really tell who they were waving at, but you were always convinced it was you, which made keeping score tricky.) And of course there was my Dad’s favorite, The Quiet Game, which earned you a whole nickel (no it wasn’t wooden, I’m not that old). Continue reading