For years I’ve tried to keep up with the celebrity mommas, but maybe it’s time to call it quits. Here are some of the trends celeb parents have started thus far. Yes, I’ve logged them for you.
Let’s go back to the simpler days, when “with child” became the new “in rehab.” Oh, how I enjoyed that shift in trends, I was able to finally stop popping Adderall like Smarties… and start a family.
Next, the paparazzi traded the “crotch shot” for the “baby bump” — another adjustment I was willing to make. I loved being on baby bump watch with Access Hollywood and Us Weekly, even if I was looking at false alarms of bloated actresses who had just downed some salty Chinese take-out. Look, anything’s better than staring at LiLo’s firecrotch… again. Plus, let’s just say my Brazilian waxing bills were through the roof, as I never knew when someone would snap a surprise pic of my undercarriage while I provocatively exited a cab.
Then of course, celebs threw us for a loop by naming their kids things like Kyd and Ocean. I imagined taking my kids to Mommy and Me with Kingston and Egypt, Gymborie with Brooklyn and Apple, and who could leave out baby massage with Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspektor? My son was originally named Jake, but we quickly changed it to Beaf Bolonee to gain entrance into this exclusive celebrity baby club.
About the same time, “Adopted” from far away became the new “biological?” Who didn’t embraced this movement? Angie, Madonna, Sandra, Charlize, Meg, Mariska, Mary-Louise, Katherine — all on board. Which was nice, for obvious reasons. Though at times it felt that people were trying to see who could adopt from the poorest country. For that reason, British orphans have been completely off limits for over a decade.
That’s why my husband and I, always on trend, adopted our other son, “Son” (which is pronounced “sun”), from a small 4th world country called Kytictyntannia. It’s hard to spell as it’s usually pronounced in a clicking language, though it can also be said with a bongo, but since no one in Kytictyntannia can afford a bongo, it’s rarely said that way. The two people living there fought over religious beliefs often and tried daily to convert each other. We adopted the youngest of the two residents. He was 47 at the time. WE WIN!
And most recently, it appears that “REALLY?” is the new “Parenting.” I just read that Mayim Bialik AKA Blossom, wakes up 4 to 6 times per night to breast feed her 3 1/2 year old toddler. Seriously? Does he not have molars? Does he not need sleep? Blossom’s also famous for wearing her children, Alicia Silverstone’s now famous for bird feeding her son, and January Jones, for eating her placenta, I just don’t know how to follow these new trends. I may just have to throw in the towel — and after all that hard work keeping up, not to mention that I now have a 10 year old I call Beaf and a 47 year old to support.
Maybe, it’s just enough to do something that makes people say “REALLY?” Yes, from now on, I’ll give birth naturally into a pool at a Canyon Ranch (or somewhere else with a healthy connotation and a great spa).
After eating my afterbirth, Survivor style, I’ll immediately breast feed my newborns and stop when they write a compelling dissertations on why I should stop breast feeding. I’ll not only pre-chew their food, I’ll eat it and then tell them how it tastes in vivid detail. This is an example of teaching descriptive language and senses, which is of course, priceless. I’ll wear my children to black tie political events, only. And I’ll sleep with them in a massive sling that’ll be worn by a giant.
Phew… missing a the newest Hollywood trend, averted. BTW, someone should tell Alicia, when you name your son Bear, it’s ironic to pre-chew his food. But, what do I know about irony?