Last week, I went on a girls weekend to the Canyon Ranch to celebrate my 40th birthday. Not that I feel that particular birthday needs a lot of attention, but it seemed like a great excuse to spend savings that should be going towards Botox, anti-aging creams and um, groceries. As you can imagine, we were a rowdy crew, 7 girls on South Beach blowing lines and partying with the Kardashians. Oh, I mean blowing off our reservations at trendy restaurants and sitting around in our robes talking about all the things that could kill you.
Yes, that was the talk of much of the weekend. One of us would suggest an idea to make life easier, to make ourselves look younger, or to make our homes look better — and another one of us would slam it back with an explanation of why this idea was horrible and potentially lethal.
It got so bad, we began to sarcastically disparage every suggestion like: “You’re going for a walk on the beach? Beaches are toxic, if you don’t come back I get dibs on your stuff.” “You want appetizers before the main course? Be careful, I hear appetizers are linked to rickets.” “Champagne are you sure? Drinking champagne will totally make your arms to fall off.”
I know, you’re jealous, as we sound like a bunch of fun loving, young, hip mamas grabbing life by the horns. Duh, YOLO, right? The warnings below are real, just don’t quote me on the effects.
Be careful, reading this list may cause you to notice the irony in being conscientious and it will also give you smallpox…
- Don’t get new carpets — they have toxins like petroleum, and VOCs which can cause you to lose arguments with your spouse.
- Write everything by hand — laser printers emit particles that promote lung disease and may give you “the clap”.
- Never write anything by hand it causes carpal tunnel syndrome and makes your teeth crooked.
- Don’t use fabric softener, it’s toxic and makes you crave bubble baths and long walks on the beach.
- Avoid all bottles with BPA they interfere with your hormones and your ability to solve complex math equations.
- Don’t eat anything off your kids plates, you’ll get heart disease and a toy prize.
- Ladies, must work-out one hour per day after 35 or you’ll gain a pound per year and lose at Bunco.
- Non-stick pans will kill your bird and give you bird flu.
- Don’t drink OJ unless you squeeze it yourself, it’s been irradiated. I don’t know what that does but it will probably turn you into a super villain whose Achilles heel is juice boxes.
- Don’t wear lipstick, it contains lead which is toxic and probably causes rickets.
- Don’t eat things from a can they have carcinogenic BPAs which will make you want to impersonate Ethel Merman.
- Don’t eat things from a farm they have pesticides which will give you diarrhea and x-ray vision.
- Don’t eat things from a store they have preservatives which will make you sick and make your dog hate you.
- Just don’t eat period! But don’t drink either, that’s been linked to liver disease, obesity and beer goggles.
- Don’t get near any of these things, they’re said to be carcinogenic and may give you soap opera style amnesia: Sharpies, plastic-ware with the numbers 3, 4, and 7, microwaved Styrofoam or plastic containers, and pretty much anything you can buy, smell, eat, or see.
- Don’t be healthy, fish oil probably has heavy metals, which means Ozzy Osbourne will come to your house and bite off your head.
- Have a date night once a week or your marriage will fail and you’ll become a cannibal.
- I took one out because I heard that reading lists that go to 19 can be lethal. You’re welcome.
Well, I guess the bottom line is, don’t do ANYTHING.
And whatever you do, don’t stress over this list or anything else for that matter, because stress is linked to like every bad thing out there from wrinkles to heart attacks to an inability to figure out the tip after dinner.
Orrrr, screw it and go skydiving it’s pretty much as risky lying in your bedroom and getting sucked in by a sinkhole.
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