Last Sunday, as we drove home after a long baseball tournament in a heavy downpour, my kids suggested we continue this tedious day and go see a movie. Frankly, my eyes were closing just thinking about my cozy bed and if I wasn’t the one driving, I think I would’ve passed out cold.
Me: “Um, sorry guys that’s a great idea, but they don’t show movies after 8PM on Sundays. Maybe tomorrow.”
Yes, I’m always quick to throw out a creative, well placed lie. my daughter paused for a quick sec to access the statement, and confident in its validity, went back to whatever she was playing my iPhone. My son went back to his phone too. After a short pause, he said, “Yes, they do, there’s an 8:25.”
Damn you interwebs from ruining the only sanity saver I had left!
I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Moms lie! We do — and frankly a fast thinking fib can be the difference between a good night’s sleep and being sent to padded room. You see, mothers are a brilliantly dishonest bunch. And deception is one of the strongest tools in our arsenal (well, until your children figure out how to look things up on Google, that is).
Of course we fabricate things in different ways. There are the universal lies, which I laid out in my lists of “Momisms”, and there are the bold faced lies that are incredibly creative and will most definitely get us in trouble down the road. Though we’re willing to take that risk for a small reprieve in the moment!
Here are some bold faced lies moms tell their kids to save sanity, furniture, face, time, and money…Some are mine plus, the top lies from my Facebook Fans, who are clearly unscrupulous (and I love that about them).
1. They don’t give you ketchup at drive-thrus.
2. The lunch lady calls me when you don’t eat your sandwich.
3. The cat is allergic to Moon Sand, so we can’t have any in the house — for her safety.
4. What you didn’t get money from the Tooth Fairy last night? That’s because she doesn’t work the 3rd Tuesday of every month. I should have told your. I’m sure she’ll come tonight.
5. If you don’t bathe, you’ll get a ticket. They have dogs that can sniff out dirty children.
6. Every time you cough and don’t cover your mouth, somewhere, a butterfly dies.
7. Harry Styles hates girls who don’t listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss.
8. The restaurant I’m going to with Daddy doesn’t allow kids or we would totally take you … I think the waiters say inappropriate things.
9. Animals want to be eaten, it give them such joy to be chosen as your food. Here’s some chicken … go ahead make it happy.
10. Unicorns ARE real, but you only see one when you’re being really good. What, you haven’t seen any? Well, you have to be even better.
11. And of course the most universal (and ironic) Mom Lie: I’m your mother, I wouldn’t lie to you.
(Now for my corrupt, immoral FB fans …)
12. They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy. – Teresa
13. Babies come from the Internet. And that baby sister you wanted is on back-order. – Jennifer
14. Chuck E. Cheese’s is only for birthday parties; you have to be invited to one to go there. – Colleen
15. All grocery stores have a baby jail in the basement; they’ll lock you up if you don’t behave. – Desiree
16. The smoke detectors have cameras in them. How else could I have known you haven’t been reading your chapter book? – Kimberlie
17. No, this isn’t a brownie. It’s a breakfast bar and it has lots of protein and fiber and even spinach in it. Do you want one? – Foxy
18. There are no cartoons on at night because that’s when the characters sleep. – Laura
19. I always tell my 4-year-old son that signs in stores say things they really don’t. Like no running, no touching, no talking. I’m so screwed when he learns to read! – Susan
20. The stuffed animals will be lonely for their friends if we take them out of the store. – Kim
21. The ice cream man only plays that song when they’re out of ice cream. – Eva
Please take a sec to Join me on Facebook and to share this with all your deceitful, corrupt friends — AKA every mom you know!
OTHER FUN PIECES:
Spill: What lies have you told?