Recently I wrote a post for my column at TheStir about common Momisms and how they can get you into big trouble. You know Momisms, those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity, or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we’re trying to go with it? Since that column seemed to resonate, I thought I’d add a handy decoder to translate what we say –> what we MEAN.
Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it’ll ruin it for the rest of us!
Maybe –> Probably not
We’ll see –> NEVER
Let’s play the quiet game. –> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.
I love the outfit you put together. –> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.
Where did you hear that? –> Your information is completely false.
One day you’ll thank me. –> Hopefully, you’ll forget this ever happened.
Can mommy have some privacy in the bathroom? –> Mommy needs a glass of wine.
Mommy needs a glass of wine. –> Mommy needs a shot of tequila.
Do you think that’s a good idea? –> That’s the worst idea EVER!
Uh-huh –> I have no earthly idea what you’re talking about.
Wow, that’s great sweetie! –> I still have no idea what you just said, but you sounded excited so I went with it.
Really? Really? –> WTF is wrong with you?
Because I said so. –> I’m losing this battle and this is my last resort (or I’m tired of explaining stuff).
You are the best. –> Millennium mom speak meaning anything from you really are the best to you are thoroughly average.
Just a sec. or In a minute –> I’m not stopping what I’m doing or moving from this position until you scream for me again.
Your forehead is cold as ice. –> Get up, Get dressed, Get the f*&^ to school.
Go ask Dad –> His turn to be the bad guy – mwahahaha.
The dog loves you the most. –> I will guilt you into feeding/walking that dog.
Yes, you do sound like Beyonce. –> Please let my child have other talents.
I love you –> There is nothing on Earth I could love more!
OK, print this and keep it in your purse for a quick reference. In case you wanna say something and don’t know quite how to put it.
I know you have some doozies … what are your favorite Momisms?
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SO SPOT ON!!! Great post, Jenny!
Jeni recently posted..Treadmills and Tantrums: Stories from the Gym
Thanks Love!
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loved ! even translates into Aussie
mothering must be a universal thing 
Le BHCH recently posted..City Skirt Love
I imagine you say all the same stuff and end it with g’day. I’m right aren’t I? I’m very worldly, you know.
I am completely with you on “let’s play the quiet game”, but I think I may have just given up at some point and actually said “please stop, my ears are bleeding”. Neither worked well for me.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..I Will Admit Occasionally, I’m An Asshole
Neither usually work… that’s the fun of parenting. PS look at the blogroll… YAY!
This is a great post! Thanks for the chuckle. Momisms have intrigued me for a long time. I just spent a year collecting more than 200 unique momisms from folks in nearly every state in the U.S., and some from Canada for a book, “Mother Knows Better – Sense and Nonsense from American Moms.” It will be available before Mother’s Day. Moms really do say some pretty crazy things. Thanks.
That’s amazing. Good luck I’m sure it’ll be a hit. I can only imagine some of the crap we resort to. At the very least it’s a sign of brilliance and creativity, no?
I am so glad that I am not the only one who realizes I am saying “un huh” and “that’s great” when I have no idea what they just said! Then a few minutes later as bits and pieces of the conversation sink in, I’m like–No, wait a minute! What did you say? You can’t do that!
And they scream…But you said!!!!!……..
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Well, that’s the worst… when it comes back to bite you. As I said in the post that lead to this one, “I’ve inadvertently promised my daughter a play date with Victoria Justice, and an addition of stairs to our one story home. UM, oops!
My seven-year-old daughter now has highlights b/c of my saying yes and not paying attention to what I was okaying!
as do I, as do I
So true! And I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Thank you!
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That is always my goal … to make people fall off furniture.
Oh my gosh. HILARIOUS!!! Some of these I use on the adults I know!
Punky Coletta recently posted..Um. I’m not sure what to call this. Maybe, ‘Snow Penis?’
It they work, why not?
Love this! My little one is 4 and I’m nodding and laughing after every one. She can already come at me with arguments that make total sense (sometimes) and I worry about how that’s going to go when she’s older!
Lindsey, you and I are totally screwed! I already find myself being like, um good point, but … and I can’t think of a freakin’ but.
They work. I shall not be judged. *wink*
If it ain’t broke …
My momism that I use almost daily is “next time” meaning I hope you forget before the next time or I hope you’re not with me the next time! I’m just to tired to say no and then explain why I said no.
Yes, we love “next time,” and by we, I mean my hubby and I. It’s kinda brilliant as it leaves them with the slightest bit of hope, false hope.
Wow! That’s amazing. Any secrets?
Yes, one time when I was little I stole a piece of gum from a bin at RiteAid.
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Hilarious – I say every single one of these. But probably the one I say the most is: “Oh My God – Seriously!”
and “Come on..” as in – you did NOT just do that after I…..
It’s our own code and all moms speak it!
So excited, I need to stop hyperventilating first! Okay, here goes: “Stop making faces, your face is going to freeze like that!” Um, my parents totally lied about that one. But I did have a “kid just like me,” so that part came true.
Carpool Goddess recently posted..What The Heck Was I Thinking: A Fauxmoir
See saying all those things finally paid off!!! YOU WON! So what if your kids are in therapy for years to come, it was worth it!
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