Oh, I had both those Barbies and the youngest brother Jimmy. WTF was wrong with me?
About a week ago I turned 40 …
I was telling a friend that I’d totally trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30 year old hipster who wears black rimmed glasses (yet has no prescription). Then I wouldn’t have to admit that I spent most Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or somehow Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Island where Shari was the puppet. (What, I’m the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)
No, I wouldn’t know a ton of things about pop culture, big hair, or bad TV, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:
1. I wouldn’t recall the Facts of Life before Edna’s Edibles burned down and Cloris Leachman moved in. I’d say, “Who’s Mrs. Garrett?” and “Tootie on roller-skates, really? I don’t think so.”
2. I wouldn’t know what it would be like to get up to change the channel on the television set or how to adjust bunny ears. (For those non Gen Xers, “bunny ears” is not a reference to making a stupid finger gesture behind someone’s head in a picture.)
3. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to use my allowance to buy the Beastie Boys License to Ill album (as in LP), and play it on my awesome record player with mono AND stereo … nor would I understand how speakers were sometimes used as makeshift bedside tables.
4. I certainly wouldn’t have learned most of what I know about grammar, science, math, and history from School House Rock. To this day, I can tell you who invented the cotton gin, why 3 is a magic number, and how our nervous system is like a telegraph line. I’m also fairly certain the Great American Melting Pot is an actual stew made by the Statue of Liberty.
5. Nor would I know what a Yuckmouth is, what to do when I hanker for a hunk a cheese. or not to drown my food in ketchup or mayo or goo.
6. I wouldn’t have diligently listened to Casey Kasem counting down the weekly hits while hoping Bananarama, Debbie Gibson, or The Bangles would take the number one spot (and not have been ashamed to admit it).
7. I wouldn’t know the joy of waking up at 6AM on Saturday morning to catch The Super Friends and wishing there would be a storyline that included one of the random heroes or villains. You know like, Apache Chief, Plastic Man, Mxyzptlk, or Bizarro?
Did anyone else think she was hooking up with Aquaman?
8. Plus, I don’t know that I would have made it through adolescence without “One to Grow On” or “After School Specials.” Frankly without the likes of Mr. T, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields, or Punky Brewster telling me not to steal or cheat or throw up after meals – I don’t know that I would’ve turned out OK.
9. I wouldn’t know from Corey Apple, Adam Bomb, or Sy Clops.
10. I wouldn’t know the excitement over getting a brand new Bother Word processor (you could type an entire sentence at a time, I kid you not – goodbye white-out). Plus, I’d never have learned the joy that is loading and reloading … and reloading a dot matrix printer.
11. I would have never annoyingly used the phrases and terms: “Where’s the beef,” “Barf me out,” “You’re so gay,” “No Duy,” “Tubular,” “Faced” (as in, “You got faced”), or like the word “like” every like other word in like a sentence. (All to my mother’s dismay)
12. I wouldn’t have been able to watch (while pretending to be asleep) Eddie Murphy sing “Unce, tice, fee times a mady,” or teach me the word “scum bucket.” I wouldn’t know why Mr. Bill screamed “Oh No,” or why it is better to look good than to feel good.
13. I probably wouldn’t have owned 20 pairs of EGs, that we all know were beyond perfection with a pair of simple Keds, or awesome Reebok hightops, or fancied up with a glorious pair of shoe boots!
14. I wouldn’t have attempted to do the flash dance quick-toe-tap and hair swing while wearing legwarmers and a splatter painted, off the shoulder sweatshirt for my 4th grade talent show. (Oh, if I could erase that day!!! Alas, I cannot – years of therapy says so.)
15. And those references to winding cassette tapes with a pencil that you see on Facebook – I’d see them as meaningless graphic designs to be silk-screened onto a tee shirt.
Shit, did I age myself saying silk-screened?
I meant iron-on.
No?
Glitter decal?
Still no?
Acid washed? Stone washed? Distressed?
Getting better?
Organic? Composted? Made from hemp… green coffee… some material that wicks sweat?
Fine. I can’t fool myself or anyone else, and when I look back at all the crap I got to enjoy, I kinda don’t want to. So, I’ll embrace it!
Gen Xers are like totally awesome…
Happy 40th to ME!
PS Am I the only one who remembers this shit??? Test me: What wouldn’t you remember?
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OOOH! I used to use my cassette recorder to tape songs off “Solid Gold”….heck yeah……
Wow, I never even thought of that. I would tape stuff off Mtv, but solid gold? Impressive. PS my favorite solid gold dancer was the old lady puppet. Do you know her name???? That’s a good trivia question.
You don’t mean Madame, do you?
I’m 22, and I’ll go one up on the rabbit ear antennas. Ever wrap the ends in tinfoil to improve the reception? The only problem arises when the cat decides to chew on the antennas- an unfortunately all-too common occurrence in my home.
Yes, well foil and also standing by the tv holding the ears in a position so that everyone could watch. Well, everyone but you, as you were stuck holding them in the right position!
CLICK-CLACKS! Those horrors that used to give me a permanent, PAINFUL lump on the side of my forearm. They eventually started selling arm-guards for them but I never had one. I just lived with a lump (that the huge, marble balls would CONTINUALLY bang into) but I got REALLY good at those things. If it were a 1980s Olympic sport, I would’ve been there!
Wow O totally forgot about those. They were fun and painful… what about Chinese jump rope, and jacks they were less painful.
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I just had a conversation with my kids about #2 – they were dumbfounded at the concept of turning the tv on and of by getting up and having only 6 channels that you manually changed too and you had to watch tv real time!
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I remember all these things and more. I am the official “font of useless knowledge” and the 70s and 80s are stuck in my head. I can sing the song Donny and Marie sang at the end of each episode. I can only SING the preamble to the constitution. I know who Electro Woman and Dyna Girl are, had the “Happy Family” complete with house, had Holly Hobbie colorforms and leg warmers. I watched “Emergency,” had a Shawn Cassidy album (vinyl, of course!), and came of age wearing neon and hair that defied gravity. I love your website!!
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I am 36 this year, and all of these things made sense. My submissions are as follows:
Those circle things you pulled through your oversize T shirt side into.
Side Ponytails
Shell clips for your hair. One on each side if you were in the know.
Watching Helen Hunt jump out of a 2nd story window because she was on the PCP.
Snorks – The poor man’s smurf
Greatest American Hero – Walked down the aisle to that song.
Scrunchies. I still miss those. So much better for the hair than the newer one’s.
Tales from the Darkside.
Good times…
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